Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Top 8 Worst Video Game Couples


Chell and The Weighted Companion Cube (Portal)
The Lovers: For those of you who never played Portal (THERE IS NO REASON FOR NOT PLAYING PORTAL, GODDAMMIT), Chell is basically your female protagonist, as well as the only human character present in the game. Her only real help comes from The Companion Cube, a little box with hearts on it. Naturally, this has started some sort of debate about how the box symbolized male companionship, because you can never just have a strong female character without it being a political statement, can you?

Why It Wouldn't Work
: Well, aside the fact that it's a fucking box, there is that whole "Pushing it into a pit of lava and incinerating it" thing. If your marriage vows include a segment on not setting your spouse on fire, you might want to reconsider the relationship.

James and Mary Sunderland (Silent Hill 2)

The Lovers: James and Mary were the perfect couple. Happy life, totally in love, but then Mary became terminally ill and James had no choice but to euthanize her. Kind of a bummer really.

Why It Wouldn't Work: Mary doesn't really stay dead...sort of. Instead, she sends him a letter after she dies, thereby leading him into a demonic helltown fueled by his own guilt, despair, and oppressed sexuality. Also, there are some hot, slutty nurses that try to kill you.
If the thought of that still gives you a boner, you might want to seek mental help.

Sora and Kairi (Kingdom Hearts Series)
The Lovers: The stars of everyone's favourite "What in the fuckedy fuck?" Crossover series Kingdom Hearts, it's a story of boy meets girl, boy and girl are separated when the world explodes, girl loses heart, boy stabs himself to give girl his heart, boy and girl are separated again, then boy and girl finally unite after spending countless hours on that fucking Gummi Ship.

Why It Wouldn't Work: Who the fuck are we kidding here? Sora and Rikku are totally gay for each other. Supergay. Seriously, even after she grows boobies in the second game, he STILL has a raging boner for Rikku. And if it turns out they're not gay (Which I doubt, since my Gaydar is accurate to within 1/8th of an Elton John) he probably fucked the Little Mermaid of something.

Link And Zelda (Legend of Zelda Series)
The Lovers: He's a young boy chosen by the Triforce to banish Hyrule of evil. She's a Princess ruling over the land. He has a sword. She has royal blood. How could they possibly fuck this up?

Why It Wouldn't Work:
Well, let's take a look at how they first met, shall we? After he falls asleep for seven years so that he can save her ass from a giant pig demon, you'd think she would at least give him a thank you hummer, right? (Or am I the only one who hands out blowjobs as a way of saying thanks?) Wrong. Instead, she sends him back in time, in a move that has been described as "The Biggest Cock-Block Ever".

Toad and Toadette (Mario Series)
The Lovers: In theory, this should totally work; they have all the same friends, they play the same crappy sports, both have heads that sort of look like my penis...It should be a match made in heaven, right?

Why It Wouldn't Work: Not so much. While there is only one Toadette, Toad represents an entire legion of mushroom headed men. This leads to a sort of Smurf scenario, where there in only one girl for an entire town, leading to a city-wide pandemic of blue balls. Tiny, tiny blue balls. Good luck getting that image out of your head.

Mr. And Ms. Pac-Man (Pac-Man Series)
The Lovers: If you don't know who Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man are, click the little red X in the corner of your screen, turn off the computer, and go outside. This blog is not for you.

Why It Wouldn't Work
: Hate to break it to you, Homeskillet, but Ms. Pac-Man is just Pac-Man in drag. While promotional images depict them as a couple, the reality is that this is either (A) A really creepy form of masturbation, or (B) something that will rip a hole in the space time continuum.

Yoshi and Birdo (Mario Series)
The Lovers: Yoshi is pretty much everyone's favourite little dino ever, and Birdo is the first Transgendered video game character ever. Surely the sheer power of their awesome should make this work.

Why It Wouldn't Work: I'm still trying to wrap my head around how that would work. While Yoshi is apparently a guy, he lays eggs, while Birdo shoots eggs out of her mouth, which would indicate that she has a vagina for a face. But wait, if their reproductive organs are up there, then....Oh God, I just threw up a bit.

Sonic and Elise (Sonic The Hedgehog)

The Lovers: Sonic is the spiky blue thing from Sega that runs really fast and seems to be harbouring a secret addiction to cocaine and/or painkillers. And Elise is just some chick who showed up in one of his shitty games for some reason.

Why It Wouldn't Work: If you pause the following video at the right spot, you can pinpoint the exact moment (1:40) when Sonic the Hedgehog went from "Totally Rad" to "Gross and Bestial".



jim said...

while playing mario kart double dash we used to call yoshi's woman blowjob lips... failing that we'd call stars roofies and the big black thing on a chain that dragged u round, ass grapes.

Alex said...

Ummm Sora is a dude, Rikku is a chick...sooooo no gay.

Mj88 said...

Riku with 1 K is the male friend from KH, and istotally gay for Sora.
Rikku with two, from final fantasy is a chick.

George said...

I totally agree about the homosexual overtones of Sora and Riku's rela- tionship, however, a lot of Japanese things these days seem to have gay overtones, just look at Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII.

However, I disagree about Zelda being a cockblocker. Have you played Twilight Princess? Link, Zelda, and Midna had to have had a threesome at the end of the game.