The Meatless Life

Today marks my last day as an omnivore. This was my last meal as a meat-eating man. Yes, out of all the meals I could have possibly had, I had a fucking Double Big Mac. Literally ANY meal, and I went with that one.

To be honest, I'll miss them a little bit; Clyde and I had a thing for Big Macs. Admittedly, they actually kinda totally suck, but that's beside the point. The point is, he can't have Big Macs anymore, and to be honest, if he can't have Big Macs, why should I? What's the point of even having Big Macs if you can't share them with the one person you want to the most?

So, yeah. No more Big Macs for me. Hell, no more meat for me. Well, I should probably clarify that a little: No more meat that isn't alive and attached to another man. Fair compromise.

...Although I still don't see how fish isn't considered meat...

Lazy People Eating Veggies

www.nataliedee.com
As you all know, I'm lazy as fuck. Really, really, REALLY lazy. Just an absolute lazy sack of shit really. Not that I want to be, but when it comes down to it, being lazy is just super easy and I love shit that's super easy.

My basic "Productive v. Lazy" routine goes as such: I'll look around the apartment, notice that I can no longer see the carpeting under the laundry, and the productive part of my brain goes something like "Hey, there's shit all over the floor. What say we do some laundry, vacuum a little, then grab a protein shake and head to the gym? Gotta stay healthy!"

And then parts of my brain wired to be a lazy sonuvabitch kick in, with something along the lines of "Fuck that shit, that sounds like actual work. I say we jack off to an Erik Rhodes movie for about half an hour, then we watch some Patton Oswalt and eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's "Cherry Garcia"."

Guess which one I usually side with?

To be fair, though, I'm not completely lazy, I'm just tired sometimes. Lately, I've been working every single fucking day with little to no days off in between, which has left me with absolutely ZERO energy. On the plus side, I do have, as my Dad once so eloquently put it, "Figgedy-Fat Pockets".

As you can see, we try to keep Dad away from the public as much as humanly possible.

But yeah, fat pockets and a serious lack of energy aside, I ended up making the KFC Double Down last night from scratch during one of my rabid productive spells. All I can say is: I'm going vegetarian.

I know that seems kinda drastic, but think of it this way: When you eat a sandwich made entirely out of meat products, there's really no way to go but down, isn't there? I figured I might as well quit while I'm ahead. Naturally, by swearing off meat products all together. Not to mention the fact that I was overall pretty disgusted with myself as a human being. Jesus wept; It was good and all, but eating the Double Down made me want to self-immolate myself in shame.

Anyway, come next week I'll be swearing off meat forever. Except for fish. Apparently, fish doesn't count as meat or something. I dunno. I'm confused. Point is, so long meat, I'm going vegetarian.