Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm Going Away For The Weekend... Again.

Yup, two weeks in a row I have to spend my "Me Time" stuck in a small, uncomfortable room with my family. Hoo-fucking-ray. God, I thought I filled my Feel-Good-Family-Moment quota for the year, but nope. Anyways, I'm off to Kingston because my uncle is being promoted from Colonel to Lieutenant, and while I love him and am immensely proud of him, the fact that I have to sleep in an army bunk with my family for two days leaves me looking for something sharp with which to commit seppuku. And while spending my weekend with a bunch of hot guys in uniform souns appealing, you have to remember that (A) my life is more Woody Allen than Falcon Studios (and not the good Woody Allen either. It's more of the bad Scarlet Jo Woody Allen), and (B) cock-blocking is my family's favourite passtime. Anyways, while I'm off wishing that Fleet Week was based on truw events, here's something to tide you over until Saturday.

While I'm not one to toot my own horn, I've published my first piece over at Zombie Forecast, a helpful guide to fortresses during the impending Zombie Apocalypse. (Zombie Forecast)

Get ready to be extremely uncomfortable: Here's fourteen year old Ali Lohan meeting a porn director for an audition. And he has the word "Troll" on his shirt. You do the math. (BWE)

Either Erik Rhodes has a backwards tattoo, or I really am a complete re-re. Although it could just be both. (Slipping Away)

Hayden Pannewhogivesafuck shows us all how much she lover fans. (Galley Slaves)

Here's Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw ripping apart E3. Why? I don't need a fucking reason why. (The Escapist)

That's all for now. See you bitches later.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Good News, Everyone!

As we all know, the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. Today, you you may be safe in your homes, your brain nestled snuggly in your skull, but who knows? Come tomorrow, you may be the unwilling patient of an unnecessary lobotomy. But never fear, because thanks to Sarina, we have started The Zombie Forcast, an organization determined to inform the masses of the rise of the living impaired. And thanks to our Pie Hating Mistress, I'll be a regular contributer. So head on over to Zombie Forecast today. Your Parietal Lobe will thank you for it. And now for some news!

It had to happen eventually: Urlesque's "20 Bloggers On Whom We're Mancrushing". While there are quite a few notable exceptions (*Cough*Dustin Rowles*Cough*Erik Rhodes*Cough*Yours Truly), I have a new crush on Towleroad's Andy Towle. Mmm-mmm. (Urlesque)

Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher fight over who has the worse taste. (WIMB)

Remember kids: when a crazy lady tries to kiss you for attention, just say NO. (Celeb Warship)

Alicia Keys and Jack White are teaming up to record the theme song for the new James Bond movie. Tonights forecast: Raining Grammys, followed by complete apathy of the Grammys. (Star Pulse)

I always knew that Bowser's Minions were either complete re-res, or just far too obedient. I was completely right. (CollegeHumor)

Extraordinary Nutsack

Yup, that is one Extraordinary Nutsnack. Continuing my unwitting world dominance of the Pajiba blogosphere, I somehow managed to slip in a write up over at Bitchtastic literary blog Webster's Is My Bitch. Mind you, I can't quite crack a whip like Stacey can, but I do look pretty cute in a leather collar and matching banana-hammock.

I'm just saying.

And for those of you in Montreal, I'll be down in the Village tonight to see The Cliks and Hunter Valentine. I'll be the skinny one in the ill-fitting ensemble which bares way too much...Hmmm, that doesn't exactly help much, does it?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Fucking Hate Nature. Here's Some News. Choke On It.

Just got back from camping, and all I can say is, whoever thought it was a good idea to live in the woods was obviously a bipolar off his lithium. I could go on all day, but Pride Week is starting up here in Montreal, so I have to make this quick.

Pajiba has a nifty Guide To The Films of Pennsylvania, and guess who's a contributer? ...It's me you fucking idiot. Go read it. (Pajiba)

Saying Dane Cook is an heir to George Carlin is like saying a shit sandwich is an heir to the holy grail. (WIMB)

After the third season, Hannah Montana may be put to bed/smothered with a pillow. (E! Online)

Here's the Official Erik Rhodes "Are You That Gay Guy?" Quiz. It's official: I'm the worst fag ever. Fail. (Slipping Away)

Thank you to Sarina, for this handy colour-coded Zombie Apocalypse Alert System. Yes, I spell coulour with a "u", I'm Canadian, you friggin' re-re. (unscheduled)

Friday, July 25, 2008

He's Leaving, On That Midnight Train VW Rabbit to Georgia Camping!

Well, I'm leaving the country to go camping for the weekend, and I'll be back sometime Monday. Until then, you're just going to have to get your unfunny pseudo-news written by a retarded slut somewhere else. Might I suggest Jezebel? Anyways, to keep y'all satisfied, here's one last News On Bar Napkins before I go.

In more Christian Bale news, his mother and sister may or may not be part-time clowns, and his sister may or may not have called his wife a whore. I cannot make this shit up. WIMB

Anne Hathaway's Diaries are being confiscated by the FBI for evidence against her ex-boyfriend. Let the Princess Diaries jokes start in 3, 2, 1...(Celebitchy)

Marc Jacobs is marrying his boyfriend of seven months in Paris this weekend... And then, just to fuck with all of us, he's going to marry Jason Preston and Erik Rhodes. (PR Inside)

In "This Is Complete Bullshit And The American Justice System Is Five Kinds Of Fucked" News, Lawrence King's 14-year old killer is going to be tried as an adult. Double. You. Tea. Eff. (Towleroad)

Nintendo can fucking suck it. This comic pretty much sums up why. (VG Cats)

And Pajiba has some sexy new shirts. Me Likey! (Pajiba!)

So I'm off, see you guys later! Here's something to keep you occupied...

Meep meep meep!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ooh! It! Feels Good To Be Free!

So I've finally done it: I've finally left my shitty, over-stressing-time-consuming-grindtastic second job, and my GOD do I ever feel good. The guy who owns it is a friend of my dad, so I can't exactly tear into him like I wish I could, but sweet zombie Jesus no amount of money could ever convince to go back there.

The first problem was that there was no training, no job description, but plenty of high standards. It was like throwing a two year old into a pool of sharks and telling him to swim. Every day for three weeks, people would yell vague commands at me and then expect me to fulfill them. And when I didn't get them done withing the ten second time limit, they proceeded to freak the shit out.

To make matters worse, when I DID do something right, it meant free time to relax for two seconds but NO. I was somehow expected to do obscure jobs that I had no idea I was supposed to be doing, and was thus yelled at for doing nothing. My apologies for not being able to read minds. And also, seriously? I have free time because I did my job right. Would you rather I just did my job really slowly, or do you want me to repeatedly wash a pot until you tell me to do something else.

But it was worth it, because I now have $540 in (canadian) cash to spend on Pride Week in Montreal, which ain't too shabby. In honour of my emancipation, enjoy this Rilo Kiley video, which pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

When There Is Nothing Left To Burn, You Must Set News On Bar Napkins On Fire

In destroyed crush news, Christian Bale was arrested after a domestic dispute with his mother and sister. Really? REALLY? (WIMB)

And in other incredibly depressing news, pour a forty out for Golden Girl Estelle Getty. Here's to you, Sofia. (BWE)

Praised be Godtopus! Pajiba releases it's list of the top ten most bangable celebrities, with some bonus Tina Fey shots. (Pajiba!)

And because I just love lists, here's Pitchfork's list of the most overlooked albums of '08 (so far).

Christiano Ronaldo now comes in three delicious flavours, including "Spicy", "Extra Spicy" and "Sweet Holy Jesus, How Are You Not Dead From Melanoma". (Just Jared)

All Aboard The FAILboat

You want to know what irony is? For the past week, I've been hooked on the Fail Blog, laughing at other people's stupidity. Then, this morning, I tried to manually type in my blog, and failed. As it turns out, I'VE BEEN MISSPELLING MY OWN BLOG FOR THE PAST WEEK. In case you haven't noticed by now, no I am not that smart. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go read The New Yorker so I can be a little less retarded. Enjoy this video of mascots who are only slightly more stupid than I am.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Drop Your Socks And Grab Your Mini News On Bar Napkins

Okay, last Dark Knight post until the Oscar nods come up, 'kay? Good. The movie took in $155 Million at the box office, and broke a whole shit load of records. Here's to you, Heath. (PITNB)

T.R. knight gets outgayed by...wait for it...Robin Williams? Really? Ouch. At least T.R. is hotter and his date is cute. (WIMB)

Johnny Rotten attacks Bloc Party's Kele Okereke in a racial fight. For the record, I would call Johhny a washed up has-been, but that would imply he's actually done anything of value in his miserable life. Fuck you Johnny. (Queerty)

Little Kuriboh has made another epsiode of The Abridged Series, and you know what that means! MORE GAY CLOWNS! (YGO: TAS)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

What Was Really Wrong With Wall-E

So for those of you read one of my earlier posts, I saw Wall-E and liked it. Well, actually, I loved it. It's with a double edged sword that I say that the title character had more emotion and empathy than most of the blond, tanned drones that seem to clutter films today. I ended up stumbling onto this article, a guide to all the inane reasons why someone might not like Wall-E. I wasn't surprised in the least. When someone or something receives mainstream attention for artistic merit (see: Feist, Juno), there of course comes along the numerous cynics, drunk on the haterade. And so it was with Wall-E.

I'll be the first to say that while Wall-E was one of the most accurate movies on the subject of love since Eternal Sunshine, the message of environmentalism and over-reliance on technology was a bit heavy handed. But really, you must either have cojones the size of garbage trucks or a brain the size of an M&M to call Wall-E "an assault on modern civilization" (thank you, Gennady Stolyarov II, for the endless dribble of stupid leaking out of your face hole). I mean really, it's a kids movie! Whether you believe in global warming or not, we can all agree that we do have an impact on the planet. Is it really too much to ask that you dispose of garbage and recycle what you can? So the message wasn't what was wrong with Wall-E.

The next group of people to be upset? Fat people. I'll agree with you guys that, yes, fat people are discriminated against for not being able to conform to an unrealistic and unhealthy body image issue, and that some people are genetically coded to be fat (a persons ability to store fat was what actually allowed them to survive the ice age. Suck it, skinny people!). But let's face facts: Massive intake of calories + low output of energy = unhealthy amounts of fat. No matter who you are, if you have more fat than your body is built for, it is unhealthy. Though, as a guy who had a seven-month affair with anorexia, I'm probably not the most knowledgeable on the subject. So that wasn't what ruined Wall-E.

Then there are those who say that Wall-E is hypocritical, because it bashes over marketing while being pimped out like it's raining money. I would like to take this moment to point out the difference between WRITING and MARKETING. Writing is an art form, and for real writers, the purpose is to convey a moral message. Marketing is about taking something people will want, and using it to convey a different message: Buy me. Do you see the difference? Moving on.

Now do you want to know what ruined Wall-E?


If someone overindulges on chocolate, and then proceeds to vomit like Linda Blair after downing a forty of ipecac, which do you blame: the person, or the chocolate? The person, obviously, but in today's world, free of personal responsibility, said person could probably sue the company for forcing him to buy an eat said chocolate. So it is with Wall-E: people binged on the movie, not for it's great writing or profound sentiment, but because of the (admittedly) adorable robot. So obviously, people decide to counteract this, not by telling the people that they should be focusing more on aspects other than the visuals, but by blindly hating a movie because it is popular.

I'm calling bullshit on this one. Where were these people when Norbit rose to the top of the box office? Why is it okay for people to encourage bad film-making, but flocking to a legitimately good movie is seen as taboo? There is absolutely no logic behind this. Though considering the people I was forced to watch the movie with, I may jump on board the bandwagon, if only to tell airheaded patrons to please, PLEASE shut up so I can watch the movie in piece.

So the one thing that ruined Wall-E was all the people who turned the movie into something it was not. As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a good smoke.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Blog Roundup

Another new feature! This is where I go across the blogosphere, check up on the writers, and report back on who's going insane! Is it Dustin Rowles or Erik Rhodes? Read on!

Agent Bedhead is still fairly lucid, even if she is posting about the spice girls.

A Big Congratulations to Ms. Beckyloo who's script is being developed! Way to go, Becks!

Boo's brother finally dumped the dumb tramp he was seeing! Yay!

Sarina isn't dead. It would take a wooden stake and a silver bullet to take that bitch down.

It's TK's last day over at Pajiba, so be sure to go over and thank him for running Pajiba Love while Stacy's been gone.

And speaking of Stacy's absence, the crazy blogger is...(drumroll)...Dustin! Head over to Webster's Is My Bitch for some more crazy! And if you're wondering about Erik? He's gradually getting better. Even though he looks like a roided up Jenny Lewis in drag. *Huggles!*

And The Emmy (Should) Go To...

Well, as you can see from yesterday, the Emmy nods are up, and since this site doesn't have much going for it other than vaguely interesting celebrity stories, I figured I might as well weigh in on the Emmy nods. So without further ado...

Best Drama:
“Boston Legal”
“Mad Men”

I'm gonna have to go with Mad Men on this one. I love me some Dexter, but let's face it, Mad Men is the shit. And Lost? Bitch, Please.

Best Comedy:
“Curb Your Enthusiasm”
“The Office”
“30 Rock”
“Two and a Half Men”

Like you even need to ask. 30 Rock all the way, Em-Effers. I would have liked to have seen Pushing Daisies up here, but maybe next year. Now, would someone please explain to me how Two and a Half Men made the list?

Best Miniseries:
The Andromeda Strain
John Adams
Tin Man

I didn't watch any of these, but judging by the critics, I'm guessing John Adams. Emmy voters love them some period pieces. Although I wouldn't mind a win for Zooey Deschanel's Wizard of Oz reinvention Tin Man.

Best Reality Program:
“Antiques Roadshow”
“Dirty Jobs”
“Extreme Makeover Home Edition”
“My Life on the D-List”

Please, Please, Please, PLEASE give this one to Kathie Griffin's wonderfully funny and oh-so gay My Life on the D-List. Anyone who can feel up Erik Rhodes' tuchus deserves an Emmy. That being said, Extreme Makeover may take this one, because let's face it, they build homes for the needy.

Best Reality Competition:
“American Idol”
“Amazing Race”
“Dancing with the Stars”
“Project Runway”
“Top Chef”

The bottom of the TV barrel. There are really only two shows on the list that can be considered legitimate TV: Project Runway and Top Chef. Either one could win, but while I didn't watch Project Runway, I love me some Jack Mackenroth, so go Runway!

Best Actor — Comedy:
Tony Shalhoub — “Monk”
Steve Carrel — “The Office”
Lee Pace — “Pushing Daises”
Alec Baldwin — “30 Rock”
Charlie Sheen — “Two and a Half Men”

Alec Baldwin will probably win, because Godtopus help me, the man is GENIUS as Jack, but I'm hoping for a Lee Pace win for my favourite show on television, Pushing Daisies.

Best Actress — Comedy:
Julia Louis-Dreyfus — “The New Adventures of the Old Christine”
Christina Applegate — “Samantha Who?”
Tina Fey — “30 Rock”
America Ferrerra — “Ugly Betty”
Mary-Louise Parker — “Weeds”

Tina Fey. Tina Fey. Tina Fey. No competition. NEXT!

Best Actor — Drama:
James Spader — “Boston Legal”
Bryan Cranston — “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall — “Dexter”
Hugh Laurie — “House”
Gabriel Byrne — “In Treatment”
Jon Hamm — “Mad Men”

Expect Jon Hamm to take it home. I love Michael C. Hall, but you just can't beat Jon. And am I the olny one tiring of Hugh Laurie being cranky and american?

Best Actress — Drama:
Sally Field — “Brothers and Sisters”
Kyra Sedgwick — “The Closer”
Glenn Close — Damages”
Mariska Hargitay — “Law and Order: SVU”
Holly Hunter — “Saving Grace”

Aw, fuck it, I'm just gonna guess Glenn Close on this one.

Supporting Actor — Comedy:
Jeremy Piven — “Entourage”
Kevin Dillon — “Entourage”
Neil Patrick Harris — “How I Met Your Mother”
Rainn Wilson — “The Office”
Jon Cryer — “Two and a Half Men”

Please god, give this one to NPR. (Quick question, but have you guys caught Dr. Horrible yet? I think I'm in love!) Rainn Wilson would be fine, too.

Supporting Actress — Comedy:
Kristin Chenoweth — “Pushing Daisies”
Jean Smart — “Samantha Who?”
Amy Poehler — “Saturday Night Live”
Holland Taylor — “Two and a Half Men”
Vanessa Williams — “Ugly Betty”

While I am hoping for Krisitin to win, I'm going to go with Amy Poehler, who had a knock out year on SNL. Did you catch her impression of Christian Siriano? Priceless.

Supporting Actor — Drama:
William Shatner — “Boston Legal”
Ted Danson — “Damages”
Zeljko Ivanek — “Damages”
Michael Emerson — “Lost”
John Slattery — “Mad Men”

Once again, I'm going with Mad Men on this one. What can I say? Always bet on Mad Men.

Supporting Actress — Drama:
Candice Bergen — “Boston Legal”
Rachel Griffiths — “Brothers and Sisters”
Chandra Wilson — “Grey’s Anatomy”
Sandra Oh — “Grey’s Anatomy”
Dianne Wiest — “In Treatment”

Just to rub it in Katherine Heigl's big stupid face, I'm hoping Chandra Wilson wins this one. Or Sandra Oh. Canada REPRESENT!

Best Writing — Drama:
“Battlestar Galactica”
“The Wire”
“Mad Men” (Twice)

While I'm hoping that BSG takes the Emmy home on this one, Mad Men is the safe bet, with TWO nods in the category.

Best Writing — Comedy:
“Flight of the Conchords”
“The Office”
“Pushing Daisies”
“30 Rock” (Twice)

Same story. While I'm going for Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock will probably win. What can I say? Pushing Daisies is the most heart warming, but 30 Rock is by far the funniest.

So those are my bets. Anyone want to up the ante?

P.S. Big thanks to Pajiba, for posting this list over at their site. Kudos for saving me from Carpal Tunnel!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Bite My Shiny Metal News On Bar Napkins.

The Emmy Nods are up, and you know what that means: Betting! Put me down for $500 on Tina Fey! (Pajiba)

Hayden Hayden's new music video is up. I would make a joke about how crappy it is, but come on: She saved Dolphins! Consider this a warning... (WIMB)

Elton John has his own Ben & Jerry's flavour. It tastes like glitter, semen, and fabulousness. (Serious Eats)

Because Reality TV really is the bottom of the barrel, here are some moments so far below, you pretty much have to smash through the bottom and dig up the shit underneath. (Mollygood)

China has banned Bjork, claiming that she is a threat to national security. Oh come on, I liked Volta! It was a good album! (America Blog)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Oh Fuck It. It's A Slow Day. Here's Some News To Shove Down Your Face Hole.

Andy Dick was arrested for being Andy Dick. I mean seriously, why is this man even allowed outside. (Yeeeah!)

Where the fuck is Sarah Jessica Parker's Mole...Yes, it really is THAT slow of a news day. Get off my back. (Socialite Life)

Tori Amos thinks Perez Hilton is intelli...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (WIMB)

Here's some Helen Fucking Mirren bikini shots to perk you up. Seriously, girl has got it going on! I don't even swing that way, and I'd hit that (assuming she had a dark room and a strap-on). (Daily Mail)

Now that you're awake, Here's Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw tearing Alone In The Dark apart. (Escapist)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Feist Counts To Four! Jimmy's Out The Door! Max Knocked To The Floor! It's News On Bar Napkins!

There are no words to describe this: Feist on Sesame Street is irrefutable proof that God exists. And God is good. Very good. (Towleroad)

Today's Celebrity Deathmatch brought to you by Micheal Ian Black and Tucker Max. Go, Michael!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have called it quits after five years. I'm guessing she finally got around to watching The Man Show. (WIMB)

Pierce Brosnan sings like a walrus. I tried to reach him for a comment, but he was off looking for MAH BUKKIT! That is my last lolcat joke ever, okay? I'm not doing that shit ever again, YOU HEAR ME FUCKERS?! (BWE)

Dr. Horrible is out today! Good luck trying to actually watch the damn thing, though. The site's backed up like Bill Clinton's aorta. (Dr. Horrible)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Heigl Whacked! Miley Hacked! Nadal Jacked! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Brangelina has given birth to their fourth set of twins this month! Thank you, Anonymous Source! (WIMB)

McHeigl might get McWhacked from McGrey's for being a McBitch. (E!Online)

Who likes ogling at stolen pictures of Miley Cyrus? You do? Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you, you sick fuck?! (IDLYITW)

Here's some shirtless Rafael Nadal to wash the taste of underage Disney porn out of your mouth...Oh, that sounds wrong. (Just Jared)

Hellboy II took in $36 million at the box office this weekend. I would have gone to see it, but well...You know how Wall-E turned out, don't you? (Pajiba)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Nice List

Bloggers are supposed to be constantly mean and bitchy and catty and they must hate hate HATE everything in order to keep readers coming back. But while I have my moments of snark (make that MANY moments) there are some people I genuinely like. So I created The Nice List, a list of people who can, theoretically, punt a kitten into a mine field and I would look the other way. A quick sampling of the first three.

Stacey Nosek, AKA Litelysalted, AKA The Webster's Dominatrix

Stacey Nosek can do no wrong. For those of you with any taste, you probably know her from Litelysalted, Webster's Is My Bitch, and Pajiba. Not only is she hysterically funny, but she actually reads this crap!

Yeah, I don't know how she does it either.

But for being the whip cracking, pink-car loving, Hottie And The Nottie reviewing super bitch she is, Stacey forever holds a place on The Nice List.

Matthew Rush

I know I shouldn't treat people like pieces of meat, but (lustful, incoherent gargling noises). Okay, got that out of my system.

But yeah, Matthew Rush can steal the Pajiba Murdertank, use to destroy a meadow of bunnies, and I would turn a blind eye. And not just because he is quite frankly THE most physically flawless person on the face of the earth (though it doesn't hurt), but because he is a real, genuine sweetheart, and he cares about his fans. I met him once when he came to Montreal. Ever wonder what it feels like to have everything you've ever hated about your body reinforced? Not anymore, I don't! But in all seriousness, he is just so fucking chill. I luv him so much, I want him to take me behind the middle school and get me pregnant.

Zooey Deschanel

What can I say? She's my favourite actress ever, and living proof that The Nice List works. How so, you ask? Well think about it, the girl has starred in Failure To Launch AND The Happening, and I continue to stand by her. Hell, she made those pieces of crap WATCHABLE. Do you have any idea how much talent it takes to make Failure To Launch watchable?

And when she's not acting, she makes kickass music. I bought her album and M. Ward's album, She & Him's Volume One, back in March. I can say in complete honesty that it is one of my favourite albums of the year, and it pretty much blows Scarlet's ear mauling piece of crap out of the water. And she made Elf. ELF!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Hollywood Has Pretty Much Destroyed My Belief In God. Just Not How You'd Think.

Thanks to my second job, I haven't had five minutes to myself this entire fucking week. I mean, yeah, I'm going to get tons of money, but at this point, The only thing keeping my arms attached to the rest of me is will power and superglue. Thankfully, I managed to catch Wall-E before having to go to job #1 (Fuck you. Wall-E is the shit), and while it was nice to finally have some ME time, the experience has pretty much destroyed my faith in God. No, the movie wasn't some attack on Christianity, like some Psycho-freaking God-wads say they are, it's the people who see movies that kills my belief in a higher power.

First off, we have the old folks who, when given the ability to sit anywhere, ANYWHERE in the goddamn theatre, chose to sit DIRECTLY BEHIND ME. Call me ageist if you want to, I don't care, but they spent the entire time talking. Not just about the movie, but about anything that bothered them in the slightest. Yes, I know, I'm calling the kettle bitchy on this one, but at least my ranting is on the internet and not during a movie.

Then came the nuclear family, with the waspy mom an the waspy dad and the 2.5 brats who will end up in rehab because mommy and daddy don't know how to say "no". And guess where they sat? RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I was like the meat in a "Pray for the sweet icy grip of death" sammich. The little shits screamed and ran around and complained about how they didn't like the candy in their Kiddie-Coronary combo.

At last, the theatre darkened. I figured anyone could be an asshole when it was still lit, but everyone knows a darkened theatre is the universal code for "Shut the fuck up and start shoveling fistfuls of grease down your face holes". Apparently, they didn't get the memo. I had gone through two previews (a part I actually like), while both sides of my hell sandwich continued to talk. I was at that magical stage of frustration where you would like nothing more than to fellate the business end of a .22, when THIS came on.

The children in front of me shrieked with laughter. And not the cute shrieking, either. This was a full on Banshee Shriek of the damned. Their parents tuned the episode out, while I searched desperately for something to staunch the blood flow of my now burst ears. The elderly foursome behind me giggled amongst themselves, remarked what a nice movie it would be, then resumed their non-sequitor discussion.

Up until this point, I refused to move from my seat because a) it would be rude, and b) it would be admitting defeat. But I had enough. Nothing could have kept me in that chair. I grabbed my Diet Pepsi the size of my head, got up, and walked as far away from them as I possibly could. And here's the kicker: they had the nerve, no, the motherfucking GALL to give me the stink eye as I walked away. It was like, "How dare you be annoyed by our incessant talking and general lack of courtesy!".

The movie itself was amazing. It was beautiful, sad, and genuinely well written, even if I thought at times the message was being treated like a blunt object with which to smack around the audience. But the whole thing was just tainted by the common re-res behind me. It's not bad enough that you can't behave in a civilized manner after I fork over $10 for some peace and quiet, but do you have to buy into some bullshit movie about dancing, rapping rat-dogs? I have a friend who has admitted that everytime he sees a chihuahua, he gets the uncontrolable urge to punt the damn thing like a football. I can see why he'd think that.

I'm going to say this once, and only once: When you go to a movie, either shut up, or wait for the DVD to come out. And for the love of Godtopus, have a little self-respect: don't laugh at lowest-common-denominator jokes. You look like a fucking idiot.

Okay, rant's done. It's back to making fun of celebrities.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Erik in Drag! Zombie Mag! Dancing Fag! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Erik Rhodes in drag looks like Bea Arthur, if Bea Arthur was on the superoids and had a bigger penis (That was my first and only "Bea Arthur has a penis" joke). (Slipping Away)

Behold, the only thing about Meet Dave that is remotely funny. At this point, the only way I'll see this shitty movie is if it comes with a written apology, a full refund, and a coupon to kick Eddie Murphy in the fun stuff. (Cracked)

Maggie Gyllenhaal has been photoshopped into a zombie. Braaaaaaaaaaaains. (WIMB)

Lance Bass will be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars, and will be dancing with a male partner. Nice to see Bea Arthur getting some work...AW, GODDAMMIT! (Celebridiot)

When it comes to the futur first ladies, Tim Gunn likes him some Michelle Obama. I would throw in a catchphrase from Project Runway as a joke, but I never actually watched the show. Yes, I am the only gay guy in the world who doesn't watch Project Runway. Blow me. (Queerty)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Sexy Wii! Stolen Weaves! Cute Puppies! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Hey, I'm all for the secon amendment and all (as long as you're responsible), but who in their right fucking mind thought it would be a good idea to give these two fucktards guns? (WIMB)

Marilyn Manson's wig was stolen by a fan. In completely unrelated news, Erik Rhodes was last seen whistling innocently, holding his hands behind his back. (Yeeeah!)

Because I just love T.R. Knight, here's some pictures him and his boyfriend with their dogs. Awww! (Socialite's Life)

And in more Puppy news, The Flaming Lips are giving away FREE PUPPIES. It doesn't get any better than this... (Pitchfork)

Oh wait, it can! Here's a playgirl model doing the Wii Fit hula-hoop game in a thong. (Towleroad)

Shitlist Addition: The Hogans

Yup. All of them. They all make the shitlist. And here's why.

It all starts with Nick, who, back in November, was drag racing with his friends when he smashed into a tree, demolishing his Daddie's car, and oh, what was that other thing? Oh yeah, LEAVING HIS FRIEND BRAIN DEAD WITH A GIGANTIC CHUNK OF HIS HEAD MISSING. And just for shits and giggles, he also had a blood-alcohol level of .055.

Then his Daddie, Hulk Hogan, said that the victim was brain dead because it was God's Plan. Two things here: a) If you're God has a plan that involves having people have chunks of head missing, you're going to the wrong fucking church. And b) this is coming from the guy who had an affair with one of his Daughter's friends. And in case you're wondering, Linda got back at him by having an affair with another one of her daughter's friends.

And Brooke pretty much lands here by association. And for making shitty music. And having a shitty fashion sense. And for standing by her brother's actions. Dumb Bitch.

And so I dub thee, The Inbred Hillbillies, and sentence you to the Shitlist. I hope you all get supercrabs.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Ben! Mason! Halen! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Amy Winehouse Face-Palming someone else makes me face-palm myself. And isn't it ironic, don't you think? (IDLYITW)

Ben Folds announces his new album, and duets with Regina Spektor. You just know Dustin Rowles is rubbing it in on this one. (WIMB)

Ryan Gosling has a gay porn twin! I'm not sure how I missed that one, but I suddenly must have sex with Mason Wyler. (This goes without saying, but NSFW!) (!!omg!!)

Michelle Williams is making a biopic about Heath Ledger so that their daughter Matilda will know more about her daddy...No, I am not going to make a joke about this, what the fuck is wrong with you? (livenews)

A special shout out to boo at The Music Is The Message, who is so metal, she shits pennies. (TMITM)

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My First Commenter Ever! Yay!

It may have taken a month, but I've finally got me a reader! And not just a reader, but a commenter! Wee! Big thanks to Mascdudewriter, for agreeing that Zeb Atlas is overrated! *Huggles!*

Michelle! Jezebel! Bay's Dark Knight Hell! It's News On Bar Napkins!

While I'm happy that my straight-boi crush Michelle Collins made the list of "Twenty Bloggers We Want To See In Bikinis", this raises quite a few questions. Where are Stacey Nosek and Agent Bedhead? How in the fuck did that Jezebel bitch make the list? And where can I send in my application for "Twenty Bloggers We Want To See in a Speedo"? (URLesque)

And speaking of Jezebel...The two prostitards made an appearance on Thinking and Drinking, and proceeded to shove their feet, legs, and most of their abdomen into their mouths. Let the Flame Wars start in three, two, one... (Huffington Post)

Because I simply refuse to shut up about this movie... Behold Micheal Bay's script for The Dark Knight. Epic Fail imminent. (Defamer)

All Amy Winehous needs now is a giant Zig-Zag and she can turn herself into the world's largest joint. (WIMB)

Having already teamed up with Disney, Square Enix ups the "WTF?" ante by making a game with iPod. GET ON THE HYDRA'S BACK! (Gay Gamer)

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Shitlist

Seeing as how the last couple posts have pretty much been flat out news, I decided to add a new feature to the blog: The Shitlist.

That sounds least in comparison to the rest of this textual abomination you call a blog. How does it work?

Thanks for asking. You see, I'm a blogger. Bloggers hate things. But some things annoy me so much that it physically hurts me to type their names. Therefore, when someone pisses me off by being an asshole of O'Reilly-esque proportions, they are added to the shitlist and given a codename befitting their general douchosity. So without further ado, here are the first three additions to The Shitlist

#1: The Succubus, AKA Paris Hilton

You knew this was coming, didn't you? I'm sure that somewhere deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, DEEP down, she's probably a decent person. But let's face it, Paris Hilton is everything that is wrong with the world. She's rich and famous because she allows herself to be a stereotype of a woman. She contributes nothing to society (aside from the occasional VD), yet demands respect from all those around her, despite not even attempting to earn it.

#2: Venom Vag, AKA Tila Tequila

Tila Tequila is, quite literally, a virus. First, she invaded the internet by fake friending everyone on Myspace. That bitch was more popular than Tom, for Fuck's sake. Then she parlayed her fake bisexuality into an MTV "Reality" show, where she pretends to love people for money. I can handle this. But the, she suddenly thinks that she was the reason that California allowed same-sex marriages.


You have got to be kidding me. Has this bitch never heard of the Stonewall Riots? Matthew Shepherd? No, Tila thinks because she pretends to find people attractive, we get our basic human rights. Uh-huh, yeah, no. For being completely out of touch with reality, you're on the shitlist.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Dildos! Sunday Rose! Kylie Minogue! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Know what would have made Wanted even better? James McAvoy's Dildo. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your fantasies. (Now Mag)

Who wants irrefutable proof that God is dead? (BWE)

Congrats to Nicole Kidman for giving birth/a stupid name to daughter Sunday Rose! On a Monday. This makes complete sense. (The Blemish)

Kylie Minogue broke Royal Protocol by shaking hands with Prince Charles. She then proceeded to smash a bottle of vodka over his head and did a kegstand with The Queen. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW SHE ROLLS. (The Daily Mail)

Sunday, July 6, 2008

More News On Bar Napkins

Just when you thought The Dark Knight couldn't get anymore nerdgasmic, they now have REAL WORKING MURDERCYCLES. As in YOU CAN FUCKING RIDE THIS THING IN REAL LIFE. (Gizmodo)

David Beckham once thought Posh was cheating on him. Because apparently, fucking the most physically flawless man in the world gets boring after a while. (ICYDK)

While I'm usually of the belief that no one deserves death, racist, homophobic and pro-AIDS Sena-tard Jesse Helms is dead. HA! Oh, and here's a video of people putting a condom on his house. (Towleroad)

Oh, c'mon, your sunburn isn't that OH SWEET SHITFUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? (College Humor)

And finally, openly gay musician Jay Brannan has an album (wait for it...) OUT on itunes! Oh, the wit! But seriously, here's a video, you should probably check the rest out. (bravehound)

Friday, July 4, 2008

News On Bar Napkins (Or, my first attempt at HTML tags. Epic Fail imminent)

Alright, new feature time! In order to actually get some traffic for this piece of shit I call a blog, I'm opening the gossip floodgates. Sue me. This also means I'm going to have to learn HTML tags I would have learned during those programming classes had I been paying attention instead of reading Erik Rhodes' blog.

Stupid Sexy Erik...grumble...

Remember back when news broke about Heath Ledger's death and Jack Nicholson took the opportunity to be a dill-hole? Heath to Jack: "SUCK IT!" (mYoUvies)

Yay! It worked! Now for more!

Neil Patrick Harris + Nathan Fillion + Musical = Fanfuckingtastic! (Dr. Horrible)

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton + Torture Porn + Musical = Bad Karma (WIMB)

Lily Allen threatens to stop making music if her album flops. Why couldn't this story be about Toby Keith? (Now Mag)

And in serious news, It's a girl for Thomas Beatie, AKA Pregnant Trans Man! (ABC News)