No More Weekend Trips. Ever.

I'm back, bitches! After a total of five hours sitting in a car, wondering where the feeling in my ass went, I finally got back. We ended up staying in some house on a military compound, and since there weren't enough beds, guess who had to sleep on the floor? It's as uncomfortable as it sounds. But that's okay, because I've declared a moratorium on family trips. Anyways, I feel bad for ignoring it for this long, so I'm going all out and adding three two the nice list, and banishing two to the shit list. First the nice, then the shit.

Jon Stewart


I feel absolutely no shame in admitting that I watch the Daily Show religiously (The Colbert Show is great to, but you can't beat Jon). He's not on the list because he's got the sharpest wit on TV, or because he's a fucking genius, or even because the man is super-sexy-cute (admit it. You would let him hit it in a heartbeat). It's because unlike his "real" news counterparts, he's one of the few people who refuses to bullshit his audience. Sure, he bills himself as fake news, but let's face it: it's all fake news, he's just the only one honest about it.

Erik Rhodes


Yup, there are now two gay porn stars on the list. But this is my blog, so feel free to fuck off. Anyways, there are two reasons why Erik makes the list. #1, The man is jaw-droppingly hot. If you disagree, feel free to remove your eyes and hand them in to the closest research lab. #2, I may just have a teensy little addiction to his blog. Just a teensy one. What can I say? It's funny, honest, occasionally sad, and fuck it all if he doesn't have a pretty decent taste in music.

Tina Fey


I think any body who can write a script that is not only hysterically funny, but can actually make Lindsay Lohan seem talented deserves to be on the nice list. At this point, everything Tina touches turns to win: She was the only watchable part of SNL(Not counting Amy Poehler), she wrote and starred in Mean Girls, the only good high school movie of the new millenium, and she's the star of 30 fucking Rock. Even when she made the just okay Baby Mama, critics went easy on her because she was Tina Fey, and she could slice them into bits with her tongue alone. That's just how she rolls.

And now for the shitlist, it's a two-for-one deal!

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, AKA the Realitards


Behold: the physical maifestations of everything that is wrong with TV. Considering the sheer amount of reality TV that MTV has shoved down our gullets, I could have grabbed just about anybody for this, but no. I decided to grab the lowest of the low, from the one show that has consistently proven to be the single worst TV show on TV. Not only is watching "The Hills" like performing a frontal lobotomy on youself with a spoon, but it also stars these two, the reason people hate. For being spoiled, narcissistic, and general ass-hats, Mr. and Mrs. Realitard make the list

I'm Going Away For The Weekend... Again.

Yup, two weeks in a row I have to spend my "Me Time" stuck in a small, uncomfortable room with my family. Hoo-fucking-ray. God, I thought I filled my Feel-Good-Family-Moment quota for the year, but nope. Anyways, I'm off to Kingston because my uncle is being promoted from Colonel to Lieutenant, and while I love him and am immensely proud of him, the fact that I have to sleep in an army bunk with my family for two days leaves me looking for something sharp with which to commit seppuku. And while spending my weekend with a bunch of hot guys in uniform souns appealing, you have to remember that (A) my life is more Woody Allen than Falcon Studios (and not the good Woody Allen either. It's more of the bad Scarlet Jo Woody Allen), and (B) cock-blocking is my family's favourite passtime. Anyways, while I'm off wishing that Fleet Week was based on truw events, here's something to tide you over until Saturday.

While I'm not one to toot my own horn, I've published my first piece over at Zombie Forecast, a helpful guide to fortresses during the impending Zombie Apocalypse. (Zombie Forecast)

Get ready to be extremely uncomfortable: Here's fourteen year old Ali Lohan meeting a porn director for an audition. And he has the word "Troll" on his shirt. You do the math. (BWE)

Either Erik Rhodes has a backwards tattoo, or I really am a complete re-re. Although it could just be both. (Slipping Away)

Hayden Pannewhogivesafuck shows us all how much she lover fans. (Galley Slaves)

Here's Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw ripping apart E3. Why? I don't need a fucking reason why. (The Escapist)

That's all for now. See you bitches later.

I Fucking Hate Nature. Here's Some News. Choke On It.

Just got back from camping, and all I can say is, whoever thought it was a good idea to live in the woods was obviously a bipolar off his lithium. I could go on all day, but Pride Week is starting up here in Montreal, so I have to make this quick.

Pajiba has a nifty Guide To The Films of Pennsylvania, and guess who's a contributer? ...It's me you fucking idiot. Go read it. (Pajiba)

Saying Dane Cook is an heir to George Carlin is like saying a shit sandwich is an heir to the holy grail. (WIMB)

After the third season, Hannah Montana may be put to bed/smothered with a pillow. (E! Online)

Here's the Official Erik Rhodes "Are You That Gay Guy?" Quiz. It's official: I'm the worst fag ever. Fail. (Slipping Away)

Thank you to Sarina, for this handy colour-coded Zombie Apocalypse Alert System. Yes, I spell coulour with a "u", I'm Canadian, you friggin' re-re. (unscheduled)

Erik in Drag! Zombie Mag! Dancing Fag! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Erik Rhodes in drag looks like Bea Arthur, if Bea Arthur was on the superoids and had a bigger penis (That was my first and only "Bea Arthur has a penis" joke). (Slipping Away)

Behold, the only thing about Meet Dave that is remotely funny. At this point, the only way I'll see this shitty movie is if it comes with a written apology, a full refund, and a coupon to kick Eddie Murphy in the fun stuff. (Cracked)

Maggie Gyllenhaal has been photoshopped into a zombie. Braaaaaaaaaaaains. (WIMB)

Lance Bass will be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars, and will be dancing with a male partner. Nice to see Bea Arthur getting some work...AW, GODDAMMIT! (Celebridiot)

When it comes to the futur first ladies, Tim Gunn likes him some Michelle Obama. I would throw in a catchphrase from Project Runway as a joke, but I never actually watched the show. Yes, I am the only gay guy in the world who doesn't watch Project Runway. Blow me. (Queerty)