Sunday, May 31, 2009

Live-Snark of The 2009 MTV Movie Awards. Kill Yourself.

9:00 – Okay, barely a minute into this and Andy Samberg is already covered in shit. I’m not hopeful about any of this.

9:03 – And now he’s naked. Okay, I feel slightly better. Slightly. And there’s Justin Timberlake. Hooray?

9:06 – Oh God, they just broke out with a fucking Lolcats. Can I just kill myself now? But Jonah Hill’s expression just fucking killed me.

9:09 – Andy Samberg just made fun of Addiction. Is it wrong that I laughed hysterically about it?

9:11 – Ashley Tisdale just won the award for Breakthrough Female Performance while Anna Faris had a seizure onstage. Okay, so far I’m one for one on my predictions. Hooray for assuming the worst of American Media!

9:14 – Michael Bay is onstage to plus the new Transformers movie. I have absolutely no doubt that this movie will suck like a hoover.

9:22 – Shia Laboeuf continued the pattern of douche-tardedness by announcing the Best Fight Award. The two gay vampires just one for slapping each other around. I am now two for two! Come on guys, keep living up to my lowest expectations of you!

9:28 – Eminem just performed a couple of his songs, and I use the term “performed” in its loosest sense here, since the fucker lip-synced the whole thing. For fuck’s sake, it’s RAP for Christ’s sake. It’s not like you need five-octave vocal range.

9:36 – Andy Samberg and Will Ferrel did a song about guys who walk away from explosions. Much like everything else tonight, it was cripplingly unfunny. Surprise!

9:39 – Jonah Hill and Vanessa Hudgens presented the award for Breakthrough Male Performance to Jimmy Neutron Robert Pattinson. And quick tangent here: What is it with pairing shlubby guys with hot girls? Why does it never work in reverse? I call bullshit.

9:46 – Sacha Baron Cohen just made Eminem give him surprise Rimjob. This is without a doubt the single most redeeming act I have ever seen. Also, they announced an award or something. I think Brent Corrigan won it or something, I wasn’t really listening. Oh well, so ends my winning streak. CURSE YOU, CORRIGAN!!!

9:58 – Ryan Reynolds and the winner of the Kentucky Derby just presented the award for Best Kiss to (Wait for it...) TWILIGHT! OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ROBERT PATTINSON IS SO HOT AND DREAMY LOLZ ROFLMAO!!!! Also, did Ryan Reynolds just say he’ll start kissing guys now? Yay! Dustin is probably doing cartwheels as we speak.

10:02 – I just watched Forrest Whittaker sing Dick-In-A-Box. This is without a doubt the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Also, Leann Rimes singing about Cumming in her pants? Priceless.

10:06 – Damn, that’s two I missed...How does Amy Poehler pissing in a sink beat out a small child jumping into a puddle of shit?

10:09 – Did Miley Cyrus just beat out Bruce Springsteen for Best Song and subsequently receive an award from Lil Wayne? Yes, yes she did. How’s THAT for a “WTF?” moment?

10:18 – Oh look, the new Twilight movie. Kill yourself. Also, does anyone else think that Kristen Stewart looks massively, insanely high right now? Bitch looks like she just ate an entire tray of pot brownies.

10: 29 – Oooookay then...They just gave Ben Stiller a lifetime achievement award? Really? WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO ENCOURAGE HIM? Other things duly noted: Kiefer Sutherland is actually hysterically funny and I love him, and I am becoming increasingly convinced that Zac Efron and Brent Corrigan are the same person. Seriously, has anyone ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Back me up here, Dewayne.

10:38 – Awwww, Abigail Breslin looking all tiny and adorable...She warms the cockles of my heart she does. Anyways, Pothead takes the award for Best Female Performance and acts like a total klutz, which I actually find kinda endearing, mostly because I do shit like that all the time. Should I ever be blessed enough to win an award, I’m pretty sure I’ll accidently nail Steve Cruz in the teeth with it. Improbable? Yes, but I’m such a spazz I will somehow find a way to embarrass myself on that level. Anyways, I actually kinda love her right now. Don’t fucking judge me.

10:53 - Okay, so Dustin totally just called this one, but Will Ferrell and Danny McBride are onstage to plug Land of the Lost. Which strikes me as odd, because the only reason to see this would be for Anna Friel. Oh Chuck...Anyways, Jim Carrey won the award for Best Comedic Performance. Sure the movie sucked, but he did star in Eternal Sunshine, so he’s still riding on some goodwill from that one. Also, he wants people to overturn Prop 8. Word.

11:00 - Okay, Denzel Washington is here to pimp out his daughter/present the award for Best Movie to The Dark Knight.

...Wait, WHAT? TWILIGHT? THEY GAVE IT TO TWILIGHT? OH FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW. This is fucking Crash all over again. Well, just goes to show you, you’ll never go wrong by assuming the absolute worst in people. Fuck life, you can all pretty much just go kill yourselves now. Life is meaningless. Thanks a bunch, Stephenie Meyers!

Friday, May 29, 2009

The Happy Puppy of NSFW-ness

Okay, so as most of you have noticed, I'm still trying to figure out how to balance NSFW/SFW content on the blog, and I think I may have found the answer. Courtesy of Stacey, who provided me with the original pic, I give you...The Happy Puppy of NSFW-ness!
Adorable, ain't he? If you see the Puppy, it means that everything after it is gonna be full of gay sex.

On a completely unrelated topic, after work at the restaurant, I occasionally swing by Starbucks for one of those doofy-ass Frappuccinos. In all fairness, it's only because I hate myself. Anyhoodle, whenever I go, I always see the same douchebag froth-slave, who apparently think that treating you with thinly-veiled contempt entitles him to a tip. And so Godtopus help you should you deny him a tip, 'cause fucker will give you a look like he's trying shoot eye-lasers through your face. Anyways, I decided to shut the pretentious little shit down today. He was wearing those earrings that turn your lobes into stretchy spaghetti-O's, so after denying him a tip for doing the bare minimum amount of work required, we had this conversation.

Froth-Slave: (Poorly-disguised hatred) Was the service to your liking?

Me: When you take out your earrings, your earlobes look like vaginas, don't they?

FS: (Trying to will my head to explode)

Me: That's what I thought.

Anyways, to play you out, here's a song about the now infamous "Three Wolf Moon" T-Shirt. Enjoy!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ten Reasons Why Life is Fucking Awesome
Yeah, I know, kinda shamelessly ripped this off from Pants, but hey, I think things are pretty fucking awesome to, ya know! So without further ado...

#1: Hot Showers

It could be first thing in the fucking morning when you're so tired you can't even roll your ass out of bed, or after a long day where you smell like ass and death, but a hot shower is an instant pick me up, no matter what.

#2: My Dog, Kahlua

Every morning, she jumps up on my bed and begins to lick me like I'm made of Snausages and Steak 'Ems. Gross? A little. But adorable. Very, very adorable.

#3: Jack Daniels

Jack Daniels + Coke = Happy Juice! A few of these and I get a little...let's just call it "Friendly".

#4: 30 Rock

Tina Fey just has that innate ability to turn awkward, klutzy happenings and twist them in a way that will literally make you piss yourself laughing.

#5: Penis
'Nuff said.

#6: Horror Movies

Hey, sometimes you just need to be scared shitless. Granted, most horror flicks are kinda totally shite, but when they're good, they are GOOOOOD.

#7: Feist

...By which I mean the singer. I love her. Love love love love her. She has a voice that will completely wreck your shit and her music is a motherfucking force of nature.

#8: The Daily Show

The last thing I watch before bed, Jon Stewart is like some sort of bullshit-seeking missile, and he will fucking destroy you if you start acting like a stupid dickface.

#9: Writing

I wouldn't be doing this (almost) every day if I didn't totally love writing. It's my therapy, and if other people like it too, all the better.

#10: Awesome Fucking Friends

Of course, I have my friends in real life, and my internet friends, all of whom have seen me through some super batshit insane times. I love all of you more than you'll eve know. Thank you all for making life so motherfucking awesome.

You're a Gaycist, Mr. Grinch

Fun fact: All of these are actually sex toys. I have absolutely no proof to back that statement up, but I'm willing to bet there is at least one person out there who would gladly use all of these...aside from Wolf Hudson. Oh I kid, I kid.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Gossip Blog Intern/Gay Porn Star

Well, just finished my first day as an intern at Webster's is my Bitch. I never would have thought Gossip Blogging would be this hard. But you know what? It was fun. A lot of work, but fun. Such is the fabulous life of an intern...I feel like Ben Andrews in that one Lucas flick, only without the hotness or the superhuge dong.

It's times like these I'm thankful that celebrities are so very stupid. God help me. could you imagine if they all just sat around doing nothing all day? Like I did today? I'd be out of a job. *Shudder*

Although the California Supreme Court did vote to uphold Prop 8 today, which still strikes me as shitballs retarded and completely unethical and unconstitutional. Aren't the rights of the minority safe from a public vote by the majority unless it is meant to intervene for their own protection? And before you step in with a snide-ass remark, NO, that exception most certainly does not apply to this. Glurg...

But whatever, it ain't over 'til we're dead, and the people we're fighting have a LOT less time than we do. On the plus side, all those who were married in the window before Prop 8 at least are still married, so let's just celebrate the existences of those marriages while working for more.

Anyways, for now I have to rest my wrists. All that typing is gonna give me Carpal Tunnel one of these days, I tells ya...Later!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Where's an Escape Pod When You Need One?

Alright, so last night was the MBL party up here in Montreal, and surprise! I managed to get completely shitfaced in all of fifteen minutes. Yay? I my defense, I have the alcohol limit of a twelve-year old, so I can pretty much get buzzed off fumes alone. First person to suggest AA gets a size-ten flip-flop through the teeth.

Anyways, today I told my Mom about getting my own place, only to be met with a resounding "NO". Which kinda sucks, because I was actually really looking forward to moving out. Yes, I know it's weird that I can do porn but I can't will myself to move out, although I think it might have something to do with the fact that I can do skin flicks incognito, while moving out is somewhat harder to hide. Balls.

What makes matters worse is that once again she's giving me the whole "Stay in school, move out when you graduate, blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit". It's not that I don't appreciate where she's coming from here, as she just wants the best from me, but I always figured the one person who knew what is best for me would be, well, me? I know school is important and all, but out of the seven classes I took this semester, only two of them had ANYTHING to do with business, and they were both...Oh, how should I put this...Oh yeah, COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS. I know she's just looking out for me, but if I go back next semester (which is a BIG if right now), I'd just rather it be because I wanted to, rather than it being because someone else told me too.

I know eventually I'm going to have to tell her what exactly it is I'm doing right now, but I figured it would probably be once I got my own place, so as to avoid the inevitable screaming and/or throwing of decorative objects. For now, I guess I'm stuck here, but gimme a little bit and I'll see if I can finally get my ass outta here.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Five Current Guilt Pleasures

#5: 3OH!3 - Don't Trust Me

My God this song is just shitballs stupid. Catchy as hell, but it sounds like it was written by a post-op lobotomy patient. Have you listened to the lyrics? "Tell your boyfriend if he says hes got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him." I just puked in my mouth typing that out. And the Helen Keller shout out? Really? Niiiiiice...

#4: Kelly Clarkson - I Do Not Hook Up

On the long list of pop chicks, Kelly Clarkson is one of the few that actually doesn't make me wanna do horrible, horrible things involving a lawnmower. But still, if it qualifies for the Billboard Top 40 or whatever, it's a guilty pleasure.

#3: Taylor Swift - Love Story

You know what? I was raised on Country Music, so I'm just gonna blame my parents for liking this. I am not taking the fall for this shit...

#2: Kid Cudi - Day 'n Night

This song is fucking EVERYWHERE. And it's disturbingly not that bad. But until he releases and album and proves otherwise that he's not total shit, I'm keeping this tucked away in the Guilty Pleasures category.

#1: Jason Mraz - Lucky feat. Colbie Callait

Because I hate myself, that's why. WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Cunning Linguists

God bless you, local news channels...Without your special brand of zero self-awareness, we would never get hear this gleeful little double entendre about muff diving. Happy 69th birthday, cunnilingus!

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Perfect Gift for Someone Too Retarded to Use a Blanket!

Perfect for reading a book, eating a snack, and looking like you have completely lost your shit. Call now and get a tinfoil hat!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Jeremy Feist is my Bitch

Two little bits of good news for you guys here: First off, remember back when I first started this piece of shit, it was basically used as a cheap-o gossip dump? Well, ever since Dustin completely lost his shit a little while back (Sorry dude, you kinda did), Stace has been working away on Webster's is my Bitch all by her lonesome. However, after getting home last night and fishing twenties out of my cheap-ass pair of American Apparel undies, I found an email from Stacey asking me to jump aboard. Naturally, I said yes. Starting next week, I'll be doing some occasional work for Webster's Is My Bitch, which I think makes me the world's first gay porn star/stripper/waiter/proffesional gossip blogger. Unless I'm horribly mistaken. Eat it, Perez! In all seriousness, I'm honoured, and I look forward to carrying on Dustin's tradition of posting shirtless pics of Ryan Reynolds. Like this.
Mmmmmmmmmm...That is some man-pretty right there.

Now where was I? Oh, yeah, the second thing, right...Anyways, right now I'm working on moving into my own place (FINALLY), and so far I think I might have found a good place. It's a little small (Studio apartment, go fig), but it's pretty cheap, in a good area, and all the kitchen appliances are included, which makes me VERY happy. Goddammit, I need me a good fucking kitchen! And since it's pretty small, I don't have to worry about dropping a couple thousand to have the place furnished, which allows me to invest my hard-earned cash in more important things, like finally fulfilling my dream of building a Scrooge McDuck money pool.
Awwwwww yeeeeeah, boyyyyyyyyyyy!

To be honest with you, the whole thing is both exciting and pants-shittingly terrifying. On the one hand, after spending the first eighteen years of my life trying to please everyone around me (and having zero fun), it's exciting to see my life and my career taking off. On the other hand, I have no idea where my life is taking me right now, and I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna end up. But whatever, I'm not gonna sit around being all mopey like "Waaaaaaah, I'm uncertain about the general direction of my life. Pity me!" It's a little scary yes, but I might as well give it my best, and if it doesn't work out? So be it. At least I actually did something instead of lying around bitching about my life while somewhere in Sri Lanka, three doctors are forced to care for 300,000 people. Sometimes it helps to keep your problems in perspective.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Real-Time Review of Brooke Hogan's "Fallin". Here Comes the Rage.

0:00 - Okay, open on a poorly CGI'd version of the Earth and DIE DIE DIE WHAT WON'T YOU DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!...Sorry about that. Unlike certain other celebrities, Brooke Hogan has actually PROVEN herself to be scum, while others, no matter how much they annoy me, seem to at least have some traces of humanity. But nope, The Hogans have proven without a shadow of a doubt that they all deserve to be run over by a flaming truck. Which is why I will have gleeful fun ripping this video apart. Muhahahahahaha!

0:11 - Aaaaaaand we have Brooke HOgan lying around in a bikini. Super. My penis just resigned in protest. I hope your happy with yourself, you syph-infested skankburger.

0:26 - Oh wow is that ever sad: They tried to CGI a bunch of polaroids, and instead it looks like shit. Oh wait, did I say "Sad"? I meant "Hysterically funny because watching Brooke HOgan fail brings light to my days".

0:34 - The earsplitting awfulness continues with the rapper known as Stack$, aka, Yannique Barker. I shit you not. Between his depressingly bad name and having to rap in HOgan's video, this man must have fucked up REAL hard in a previous life.

0:56 - Ooooo, a closeup! This is the part where I would call HOgan a butterface, but let's face it: Bitch is so white trash, it's more like an "I-can't-believe-it's-not-butterface".

1:14 - I know Brooke isn't exactly Shakespeare here (Hell, she's not even Stephenie Meyer), but come on: In the space of on twenty-second chorus, you managed to say "fall" EIGHT FUCKING TIMES. Something tells me the lyrics were written in crayon on the back of a Denny's menu.

1:34 - Oh look, Douchebags McGee is back. Super. Apparently, the reason he's in this video is because he's currently banging this bitch, a process akin to sticking your dick in meat grinder.

1:49 - Waitwaitwaitwaitwait...Did he just say "Let's take an overseas trip on my private jet"? BAHAHAHAHAHAno. You're fucking the daughter of a washed-up wrestler. Chances are you couldn't even afford a Vespa.

2:06 - Oh God, the chorus again...Fuck it, I'm taking a shot of Jack Daniels every time this cunt says any variation of the word "Fall".

2:32 - Apparently, the director decided to pull some weird-ass "Dante's Inferno" deal where we keep delving further and further into the abyss through various CGI'd pictures (The abyss = Brook HOgan's pussy).

2:55 - No joke: I literally just ran out of Jack Daniels. I'm putting myself on suicide watch right now.

3:00 - As if this can't get any worse, here comes Stack$, looking very much like the guy who wears Ed Hardy shirts and slips roofies into your Jungle Juice.

3:14 - Oh God, it's finally over. Fuck waterboarding, this shit is fucking torture. Dick Cheney is probably shitting himself for not thinking of this. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go weep Pandora-style in the corner. If you'd like to kill your remaining braincells, the video is embedded below. Or you could save yourself three minutes and fellate a shotgun. Either/Or really.
Brooke Hogan f/ Stack$ (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

Monday, May 18, 2009


Well, looks like Bruce got the press pack from my scene with JP out. My thanks to Ian and Jeremy, who did a great job with the editing, but sadly, there's not enough photoshop in the world to make me look less white than I am. Oh well. Anyways, the pics are after the blurb, and in case you're wondering, YES, this is NSFW, unless your work is porn. You can see the actual video over at Videoboys, but for now, pictures!

Yes, we know that JP Jackson is mostly straight but we wanted to find out what sorts of circumstances compel him to bend. So first he told us what he likes in a guy, so we roped in Jeremy Feist to fill those requirements. Then we got JP to demonstrate to us what he likes to do with a guy once he has a young, skinny boy in his clutches.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Who's Ready For Some Random, Spur of the Moment Porn?

I know as a porn star there really shouldn't be too much that surprises me at this point, but I have to say, yesterday was...something.

I was at Adonis, hustling $15 cock teases from guys in their fifties when my cell went off, marking the first (and probably only) scenario in which Feist's "Mushaboom" will be heard in a strip club. Since I was already on duty, I chose to ignore it. Then the fucker went off again, so I grabbed my inordinately expensive Jack and Coke and hurried my pasty slacker ass upstairs into the break room. What happened next was step one of the weirdness.

"Hey Jeremy, this is Pierre. Listen, we're shooting a scene and the bottom didn't show up. Wanna shoot a scene for Julien?"

Even through the overly loud Lady Gaga track playing below, the shitty reception and a pounding headache, I could tell Pierre's demeanor had gone from the usual cucumber cool to red hot chili pepper, and I had the distinct feeling that if I declined, his head might explode. While the idea of seeing Pierre go all scanners was sorely tempting (you have to admit, that would be kinda cool), I realized that (A) They really needed a model, (B) I needed the money, and (C) it is damn near impossible to scrub gray matter out of a carpet. "Sure, let me just see if I can get out of my shift."

"Don't worry about it. Just give him a twenty and say it's an emergency or something." (Which, to be fair, it sort of was.) Ten minutes and one poorly-translated, hastily-thrown-together excuse later, I was in Julien's apartment. While Julien fiddled with the lights and Nico (the model that actually DID show up) grabbed a cig, Pierre brought me into the bathroom to show me the finer points of...let's just call it cleansing.

Unlike me, it appeared Julien had invested in a spiffy little shower hook-up that allowed you to to get the job done in pretty much record time, as opposed to me, who just grabs a removable showerhead and goes to town. Unfortunately, Pierre showed me one setting that looked like it could be used to either put out a fire or control an angry mob. I probably would have shit my pants if I was actually wearing any.

Ten very awkward minutes later, I was on someone else's bed doing the nasty with a straight guy for the second time in the space of a week (I may or may not have given myself a high-five for the roll I was on). While the entire thing went off with minimal hitches, Nico did have a thing for spanking, which resulted in stop-light red hand marks on my ass, which Pierre found hysterically funny. Not to worry, I've made a mental note to stock up on things I can make fun of him with. Pierre, if you're reading this, consider yourself fairly warned.

Anyways, all in all? Not a bad night. I made exponentially more with Julien than I would have at Adonis for even less work. Not to bad, considering I was thrown in their at the last minute, so fuck yeah! Anyways, to play you out for today, here's Feist with The Park. Cheers!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Top 10 Totally Tits Summer Titles

Terminator Salvation

Sure, Christian Bale acted like a total tool on set and may or may not hunt someone down with a flaming chainsaw should they ever look at him funny, but let’s face it: This movie is going to be balls out awesome, no matter what you thought of the first three Terminators.


If Dreamworks were the ones trying to pull this off, this would probably turn into some unbearable schlock smarmy sidekicks and pop-culture references. But thanks to Pixar, the entire thing looks absolutely adorable. I’m currently taking bets on whether or not I will cry like a little bitch while watching this.

Drag Me to Hell

With one terrifying swoop, Sam Raimi instantly makes me forget the travesty that was Spider-Man 3, and it’s weird-ass dancing emo Spidey. I have to say, Justin Long is slowly growing on me. Between his pitch-perfect performance in Zack and Miri Make a Porno and this, he really is starting to redeem himself for all those annoying Mac vs. PC commercials.

Away We Go

To be completely honest with you, I didn’t really know that much about this one before this morning. But now that I do, I can’t wait to see it. And not because it so far looks like the only June release that won’t make me claw my eyes out. Honestly, after this one, it’s pretty much a dry spell.


Oh fuck off, Hollywood. This is how you repay me for a month-long shitfest? By releasing three probably-good movies at the same time? Fuck you. That being said, I will totally end up going to see this. Yes, I know it’s just Borat but with a different accent and a gay-twist, but I just never get tired of watching people try to explain their irrational hatred.


Not only is this already getting a pretty decent amount of buzz, but, well, it’s
kinda up my alley, so to speak. It’s basically about two straight guys who dare each other to make a gay porn movie. For the record though, I still proudly hold my title as the world’s least likely gay porn star.

(500) Days of Summer

I’m already putting this down as my favourite movie of 2009. I don’t care if it’s two months away and we’re not even halfway done with the year, I still have high expectations for this one. It stars two of my favourite stars and has a pretty bitchin’ soundtrack if you would believe the trailer. I want this and I want it BAD.

Final Destination: Death Trip

For the record? Yes, I am fully aware that this is going to suck like a fucking hoover. But I also know that it’s going to be balls out awesome and full of chunky, bloody gore. And it’s in 3-D, and I’m a big advocate of bringing horror flicks into the third dimension. Expect to see me in the theatre with a pair of glasses, some popcorn and a shit-eating grin on my face.

The Time Traveller’s Wife

I read the book a while back and was completely obliterated by the end. I mean absolutely fucking wrecked as shit. Teary, weepy...the works. Which is why I’m going to go see this. The casting of the two leads is absolutely perfect, and from what I can tell from the trailer, they managed to nail down the tone of the book.

Inglourious Basterds

There really is no better way to end the summer movie season than by seeing Tarantino in all his gorey, violent glory. Actually, the whole things looks a bit like Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction set in Nazi Germany, so I have pretty high hopes about the whole deal.

Friday, May 15, 2009

...I'll Be In My Bunk

So, my scene with JP Jackson has already hit the tubes. I know, I'm really quite surprised by how quickly we managed to bring it all together. Granted, JP and I managed to get the scene done in about an hour and a half (with pee breaks, natch), and I know Ian, Bruce and Jeremy managed to give it the George Lucas treatment in record time, so all in all, we are just professional as fuck all up in this bitch. None can compare to our professionalism. So don't bother trying. Anyhoodle, you can gawk at my skinny, pasty ass over at Videoboys. The Hi-Res pics will be up as soon as Bruce sends out the press pack, but for now, just try to stay cool, Cucumbers.

For now, here's the always hysterically funny Joel McHale providing one of the most accurate and insightful takes on Adam Lambert's sexuality. If I actually watched American Idol, I'm sure I'd give two shits, but still, this cracked my shit up.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Top 10 Worst Songs To Strip To

#10 - "Brick" by The Ben Folds Five

A beautiful song, of course, but try maintaining wood while Folds sings about his girlfriend getting a Yuletide abortion. I may be pro-choice, but you gotta admit, that's pretty depressing.

#9 - "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry

I'm gonna be completely honest with you here, Katy Perry actually makes some pretty peel-worthy tracks. That being said, this just does NOT work at a gay strip club. The gender politics of it all are likely to result in the brainsplosions of most strip club patrons.

#8 - "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette

Nothing says "I'm hot, sexy, and I will straight up shank yo' ass" like Alanis Morissette. Dancing to this is the equivalent of running on stage with a knife and a hockey mask and threatening to castrate anyone who won't stick a single in your g-string.

#7 - "Many Moons" by Janelle Monae

Admittedly, this song is actually pretty tits, but you'd have to snort a line of coke the length of an Olympic swimming pool just to keep up with the girl, and the bridge where she lists off everything wrong with the world won't help your odds.

#6 - "Guitar Hero" by Amanda Palmer

There is no possible way to dance to this without sounding like a murderous psychopath. You could probably pull off something from The Dresden Dolls, but good luck trying to dance to a song about school shootings.

#5 - "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse

Actually, this is a pretty good song to strip to, but ONLY WHEN YOU'RE SOBER. Considering you're working at a bar though, this isn't always entirely possible, and taking the stage to this song while completely obliterated will only serve as a reminder of your status as a hot mess.

#4 - "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

I know it's tempting, but NO. Do NOT do the Thriller dance onstage. Is it several kinds of awesome? Fuck yeah. But acting like a zombie does not the sexy times make. Resist that urge!

#3 - Absolutely ANYTHING by Nickelback

Because really, why would you listen to them in the first place? Exactly.

#2 - "I (Who Have Nothing)" by Shirley Bassey

This right here is pretty much an open invitation to have a stalker watch you sleep through your bedroom window while furiously masturbating. And that's the best case scenario. If you really fuck it up, you're probably gonna end up as a corpse under the crawl-space. Good luck with that one!

#1 - "Barbie Girl" by Aqua

Dancing, nay, LISTENING to this one is grounds for having your balls removed. Even those without a Y-chromosome wouldn't listen to this shit. Just back away slowly from 90's eurotrash pop, and no one will get hurt.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Real-Time Review of Heidi Montag's "Black Out". Choke On It and Die.

0:05 - Oh look, five seconds in and we already have a grainy shot of the back of Heidi's head. If you want to know what a Heidi/Spender sex tape would look like, just loop this for about fifteen minutes and you'll have a pretty good idea.


0:18 - Let's see...Bikini? Check. Beach? Check. Writhing? Check. Isn't this just a rehashing of her video for Higher, only with the auto-tune set to make her hit different notes?

0:21 - Okay, I think I found the only audible part of the song that will be repeated until I pray to lose my hearing. "WA-OH. WA-OH."

0:36 - Okay no, seriously, this is just her first video set in colour. And I mean really, Heidi and Spencer are richer than God. Do you honestly expect me to believe that this is the most they could afford?

0:44 - Actually, I take that back. It appears they've invested in some, *ahem* liquid assets, if you get what I mean...I mean Heidi has big fake tits to draw attention away from her horse face.

0:54 - Okay, I'm starting to think Heidi has only three dance moves: Stroking her hair, shoving her tits into the camera and shaking her head like a two-year old who doesn't want to go to bed.

1:00 - Between the back-of-the-head shot and Heidi's propensity for crawling around on all fours, I'm guessing Spencer is hitting it doggy-style. That way, he can imagine he's fucking Ryan Seacrest.

1:17 - Oh look, Heidi's using a rope as a phallic symbol. But if she wants something a little more representative of the guy porking her, shouldn't she go for a shoelace or something?

1:28 - And I was right. If that bitch say "WA-OH" one more fucking time, I will cut a bitch.

1:42 - Seriously, why do you feel the need to keep brushing your hair? Is it because it's the only part of your body that hasn't been waxed in a Ken Doll-like sheen?

2:07 - Oh Heidi, I know you obviously don't sing a word of this song, but would it kill you at least TRY lip-syncing? Seriously, you look like Mr. Ed after a jar of Skippy's peanut butter.

2:35 - Who the hell decided that close-ups of Heidi's face would be a good idea? Fun Fact: Heidi's face is the exact same shape as California, and considering the amount of plastic surgery she's had, about as likely to fall off during an earthquake.

3:05 - Some of you may be wondering how I've managed to get through nearly the entire video without mentioning Heidi's singing. Simply put, the whole thing is so auto-tuned and over-produced that it turns into white noise. This couldn't be any more bland if they served it on white bread and covered it in mayonnaise.

3:10 - Oh look, a gratuitous ass-shot! At least it would be if the bitch actually had an ass.

3:27 - Aaaaaand it's over. My God was that ever tedious. There's only so many things you can say about three and a half minutes of Heidi Montag gyrating on a beach in a catatonic state. Fuck you, you worthless ho-bag. For your own judgment, here is the terrible, terrible video. I wouldn't watch it if I were you.

Monday, May 11, 2009

When I Say NSFW, I Mean NSFW

Okay, so it's come to my attention that some of the Pajibans didn't really think I meant it when I said that some of the content was pretty much not safe for work. Well, if you're reading this, take it from me, THIS IS REALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Unless your work involves porn, in which case, pull up a chair and rest your feet, 'cause this shit is probably right up your alley here.

Last night was my second scene with Videoboys, as well my first time with a straight guy, JP Jackson. To be honest with you, it felt a bit like I was walking on eggshells. JP is roughly twice my size, and I had the strange feeling that if I were to pull some shit that didn't fly with him, he would break me. I mean he was a really nice guy, but then again, the guy was so jacked he probably could have eaten me whole.

No, that wasn't a sexual euphemism.

(Courtesy of Julien Cox. Honestly, you need to check his shit out!)

Anyways, we did the photo shoot first, and it was at that point that I realized just how much my body sucks. The guy is built like a brick shithouse and looks like he just flew back from a week-long vacation to Brazil. I on the other hand look like I just came out of a fall-out shelter with a bad stomach flu. It was like putting a steak next to a wet noodle. If anybody has some cheap-o 'roids on them, that would be just tits.

After a short break for Ian and Bruce to set up the camera, we returned and did a quick interview. This was my first muscle guy, so I think we touched on that, and I might have even made a shout-out of sorts to Sarah (the name was withheld for privacy reasons, but still, who loves ya baby?). It was at that point that Bruce gave us the setting of the scene: JP brought me back to his hotel room to use as his sex toy, and now he was gonna use me any which way he saw fit. The scenario couldn't have been any better if Bruce said I was doing body shots of Jack Daniels off of him.*

I have to say, the actual fucking was far easier this time around, which I attribute entirely to Jeremy. Honestly, at this point you can pretty much run a bullet train up there. That being said, guy was packing some serious heat. Honestly, I think I may need to give my tush a vacation or something.

Not only was the sex great, I think we managed to squeeze in a shit-ton of positions to boot. By my count, I think we hit about 4 1/2, the half being a strange cross between doggy-style and sideways bonin'. Honestly, for a straight guy he REALLY knows how to fuck. I think it one point, we stopped for a quick break and I just kinda lied on the bed in a sort of demi-coital bliss. I have no idea why, but I tend to get a little sleepy after someone fucks me. Some people take Nyquil, I take eight inches. Way better than any pill on the market, huh?

Anyways, after the scene, we signed paper work, and I played a little with Videoboys' offical dog, Buster. The poor little guy recently got shaved, so he's been a little testy. Honestly, one minute he's all sad and shivery, the next moment he's on you like you're made of Steak 'Ums. Something is wrong with all the dogs I meet these days. Between Kahlua's PMS and Buster's mood swings, I'm starting to wonder if the canine population of Montreal needs a hug and an extra dose of Lithium.

So, that's how the scene went. The scene should hopefully be up in a couple weeks or so. For now, here's St. Vincent with Actor Out Of Work.

*Hmmm...actually, that's not a bad idea. Bruce, Ian, take note.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I Heart You, Trent Reznor. I Heart You So Fucking Hard.

There are many reasons why I absolutely fucking love Trent Reznor. His music is fucking balls to the wall, his writing is equal parts smart, funny and self-deprecating without being all pretentious and annoying, and because he's fucking jacked as hell and if given the opportunity, I would do horrible, nasty, unspeakable things with him. "I want to fuck you like an animal" doesn't even begin to describe it. Check out and you'll get a pretty decent idea of how my id works in his presence.

But all that aside, this right here pretty much takes the cake for me right now (via Pitchfork)

"I'm not Prince or Rivers Cuomo who brags about having hundreds of great songs. And to that I would say, Prince, if you have a hundred great songs or a thousand, how about picking a few and putting them on your record that you've put out because your last several have sucked. Same for you, Rivers. I say that constructively, you know. I might be happy and engaged, but I can still be a prick."

-Trent Reznor

God help me, I think I just had a Schadengasm. Mostly because for me, Prince and Weezer have always been two artists who I've always found to be annoyingly overrated. Weezer hasn't released anything even remotely close to listenable in years, and Price? No dude. Just no. And he looks like a fucking chick.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go celebrate Mother's Day. Best wishes to all the MILFs out there!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Get Ready To Do Your Happy Dance

Alright, massive amounts of good news is about to come your way people, so let's get this shit started.

First up, the last day of classes is fast approaching. Pretty soon, I'll be out of here, working on getting my still-in-the-works Z-List Porn career off the ground.

Second, as has been announced, I'll be heading down to Sonoma, California in June to do a live show for Turk's site. I gotta say, the fact that I'm already heading down to work in the US is super-fucking-tits. As of yet, an official date hasn't been set, but hey, whatevs, this is still pretty fucking cool.

Next on the docket, I woke up this morning, went to my gym class, then went on to Twitter to check some shit out. And then I found this:

I have absolutely no shame in saying that my jaw fucking dropped in the middle of class. Once again: This shit is totally the tits! Seriously, Eddie Fucking Stone is starting up a brand new site, and he wants me of all people to shoot for it. I have no idea why he would want me, but Godtopus help me, I'm flattered.

Last item to get all excited and happy about? Bruce has set up another scene for me on Videoboys for this Sunday with JP Jackson. Hot fucking damn!

Yeah, needless to say, I'm doing fucking cartwheels right now.

Anyways, if experience has taught me anything, it's that something very, very, VERY bad is going to happen soon, but fuck it. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the fact that good things seem to be happening.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

An Open Letter To Carrie Prejean

Dear Carrie Prejean,

How are you? Okay, good good, glad to hear it. Alright, listen honey...I know you're not that smart. I mean, let's face it, you're a beauty pageant contestant. Most people in that field are lucky if their IQ isn't in the negatives.

Which is why I'm here to help you. There's obviously a lot of things you don't understand. Like Freedom of Speech, or the definition of "persecution", or where the sun goes at night. I'm gonna try and make these as clear as possible for you.

Alright, Freedom of Speech...that doesn't apply ONLY to you here. Listen, you have every right in the world to say that an entire group of people don't deserve the same rights and privileges as you do because of something you read in a very old book. Honestly, go right ahead. But here's the thing: People are also allowed to say other things too. For example, I can say that you're a talentless butterface with fake, wonky tits. See that? Freedom of Speech.

Now, about that whole "Christians are persecuted" bit? Not quite. If someone disagrees with you, that's not persecution. Now, if they started taking your rights away because of how you thought, THEN it's persecution. So yeah, please don't bitch and moan about how you guys are persecuted. Has anyone ever voted to take away you're right to get married? No? Then shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.

Hopefully, that cleared everything up for you. If you ever need anything else, just take a long walk of a short pier. Thanks doll!

xox, Jeremy Feist

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Who's Ready For Some Hot Jeremy-On-Jeremy Mindfucking?

Yes, the press package has been released. Here it is: The fabled Jeremy-on-Jeremy sex scene. Anyways, here's the blurb and some nice little NSFW pics. Consider yourself warned. You can check the whole thing out by clicking the link and heading to Videoboys.

Introducing eager bottom boy Jeremy Feist. He is almost a virgin and looking for some direction in life. Enter Jeremy Roddick, power top with years of experience breaking in virgin ass. Mr. Roddick volunteered to be Mr. Feist's "personal trainer" once he saw his ass. And when the bottom boy saw who would be training him he was both excited and scared. Would he be able to take it all?* Would the trainer be gentle and patient with him?** Would he be able to walk home?*** Watch and see.

*Yes, I did, and I'm very proud of myself
**Yes, he was a perfect gentleman and absolute fucking blast to work with.
***No, but it was still totally worth it. Ian even loaned me a wheelchair.

Monday, May 4, 2009

If The Mood Should Hit Ya

Once again, my apologies for lack of updating in this bitch. I swear, I'm gonna learn how to balance stripping and blogging. Eventually. For now, I'm a little busy with the last week of school rush that seems to happen this time of year.

Anyways, it's been a pretty productive weekend as far as the stripping goes. Needless to say, my technique has improved greatly, although to be fair, Stephen Hawking dances better than I do, so that's not exactly saying much. It also doesn't help that on Saturday, I had to work the floor with Pierre. Don't get me wrong, Pierre is a shitload of fun, but let's face it: Katy Perry has a better chance of being struck by lightning while winning an Oscar than I have of out-sexying Pierre. You ever tried following up Pierre Fitch on a stripper pole? It's like trying to follow up Foie Gras with a shit sandwich.

Anyways, he has introduced to some seriously cool people. For instance: Julien. You probably can't appreciate this, since I don't have a video on hand, but sweet holy jeebus can the guy ever dance. Seriously. He is to pole dancing what Jimi Hendrix was to Guitar-Playing/Passing out and choking to death on your own vomit. It's pretty fucking amazing. It's like watching Cirque Du Soleil, only less gay.

But the best was that he introduced me to Rene. Rene happens to be hot, funny, smart, and SANE. Oh, and his dick is fucking gigantic. Meeting someone like this in a strip club is like going down to the Sonic and seeing The Loch Ness Monster sucking down a Blue Coconut Slush. And the best part? He actually finds me attractive. ME.

Come to think of it, I might wanna reevaluate that sane part.

Anyways, for now, I'm gonna try not to get too excited. I won't go into details, but if past experience has taught me nothing, it's that get excited about stuff tends to lead to everything getting all fucked up. So for now, trying not to freak out with glee, which is VERY hard to do right now.

To play you out, here's Esthero with "If Tha Mood", which I'll be stripping to on Wednesday. Cheers!

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Only Five Times Where Auto-Tune Is Acceptable

So, the good news is, my first hardcore scene is up with Jeremy Roddick on Videoboys. More on that when the press packet comes out though. For now, here are the only five moments where Auto-Tune is acceptable.

#1: Imogen Heap's "Hide And Seek"

#2: Bon Iver's "Woods"

#3-5: Auto-Tune The News