Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Top 10 Worst Songs To Strip To

#10 - "Brick" by The Ben Folds Five

A beautiful song, of course, but try maintaining wood while Folds sings about his girlfriend getting a Yuletide abortion. I may be pro-choice, but you gotta admit, that's pretty depressing.

#9 - "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry

I'm gonna be completely honest with you here, Katy Perry actually makes some pretty peel-worthy tracks. That being said, this just does NOT work at a gay strip club. The gender politics of it all are likely to result in the brainsplosions of most strip club patrons.

#8 - "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette

Nothing says "I'm hot, sexy, and I will straight up shank yo' ass" like Alanis Morissette. Dancing to this is the equivalent of running on stage with a knife and a hockey mask and threatening to castrate anyone who won't stick a single in your g-string.

#7 - "Many Moons" by Janelle Monae

Admittedly, this song is actually pretty tits, but you'd have to snort a line of coke the length of an Olympic swimming pool just to keep up with the girl, and the bridge where she lists off everything wrong with the world won't help your odds.

#6 - "Guitar Hero" by Amanda Palmer

There is no possible way to dance to this without sounding like a murderous psychopath. You could probably pull off something from The Dresden Dolls, but good luck trying to dance to a song about school shootings.

#5 - "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse

Actually, this is a pretty good song to strip to, but ONLY WHEN YOU'RE SOBER. Considering you're working at a bar though, this isn't always entirely possible, and taking the stage to this song while completely obliterated will only serve as a reminder of your status as a hot mess.

#4 - "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

I know it's tempting, but NO. Do NOT do the Thriller dance onstage. Is it several kinds of awesome? Fuck yeah. But acting like a zombie does not the sexy times make. Resist that urge!

#3 - Absolutely ANYTHING by Nickelback

Because really, why would you listen to them in the first place? Exactly.

#2 - "I (Who Have Nothing)" by Shirley Bassey

This right here is pretty much an open invitation to have a stalker watch you sleep through your bedroom window while furiously masturbating. And that's the best case scenario. If you really fuck it up, you're probably gonna end up as a corpse under the crawl-space. Good luck with that one!

#1 - "Barbie Girl" by Aqua

Dancing, nay, LISTENING to this one is grounds for having your balls removed. Even those without a Y-chromosome wouldn't listen to this shit. Just back away slowly from 90's eurotrash pop, and no one will get hurt.


Eric said...

Oh, but Jeremy, you forgot "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. Sure, MAYBE it's slightly danceable but that song is depressing. I heard it in a strip club in Washington DC a few years back, which also happened to be the skankiest place I've ever set foot in. Watching semi-attractive girls with c-section scars and blank faces dance to this song was probably one of the most awkward things I've ever seen.

replica said...

the alanis comment. my daughter started to cry because she thought I was in pain I was laughing so hard.

bourgtai said...

"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman also deserves honorable mention.

Jeremy Feist said...

Eric: Oh God, I forgot they even existed. Well then, they make the honorable mentions.

replica: Sorry for making your daughter cry. Whoops! Sorry!

bourgtai: Alright, I'll throw it on with the above.

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