The Top 10 Totally Tits Summer Titles

Terminator Salvation

Sure, Christian Bale acted like a total tool on set and may or may not hunt someone down with a flaming chainsaw should they ever look at him funny, but let’s face it: This movie is going to be balls out awesome, no matter what you thought of the first three Terminators.

Up

If Dreamworks were the ones trying to pull this off, this would probably turn into some unbearable schlock smarmy sidekicks and pop-culture references. But thanks to Pixar, the entire thing looks absolutely adorable. I’m currently taking bets on whether or not I will cry like a little bitch while watching this.

Drag Me to Hell

With one terrifying swoop, Sam Raimi instantly makes me forget the travesty that was Spider-Man 3, and it’s weird-ass dancing emo Spidey. I have to say, Justin Long is slowly growing on me. Between his pitch-perfect performance in Zack and Miri Make a Porno and this, he really is starting to redeem himself for all those annoying Mac vs. PC commercials.

Away We Go

To be completely honest with you, I didn’t really know that much about this one before this morning. But now that I do, I can’t wait to see it. And not because it so far looks like the only June release that won’t make me claw my eyes out. Honestly, after this one, it’s pretty much a dry spell.

Brüno

Oh fuck off, Hollywood. This is how you repay me for a month-long shitfest? By releasing three probably-good movies at the same time? Fuck you. That being said, I will totally end up going to see this. Yes, I know it’s just Borat but with a different accent and a gay-twist, but I just never get tired of watching people try to explain their irrational hatred.

Humpday

Not only is this already getting a pretty decent amount of buzz, but, well, it’s
kinda up my alley, so to speak. It’s basically about two straight guys who dare each other to make a gay porn movie. For the record though, I still proudly hold my title as the world’s least likely gay porn star.

(500) Days of Summer

I’m already putting this down as my favourite movie of 2009. I don’t care if it’s two months away and we’re not even halfway done with the year, I still have high expectations for this one. It stars two of my favourite stars and has a pretty bitchin’ soundtrack if you would believe the trailer. I want this and I want it BAD.

Final Destination: Death Trip

For the record? Yes, I am fully aware that this is going to suck like a fucking hoover. But I also know that it’s going to be balls out awesome and full of chunky, bloody gore. And it’s in 3-D, and I’m a big advocate of bringing horror flicks into the third dimension. Expect to see me in the theatre with a pair of glasses, some popcorn and a shit-eating grin on my face.

The Time Traveller’s Wife

I read the book a while back and was completely obliterated by the end. I mean absolutely fucking wrecked as shit. Teary, weepy...the works. Which is why I’m going to go see this. The casting of the two leads is absolutely perfect, and from what I can tell from the trailer, they managed to nail down the tone of the book.

Inglourious Basterds

There really is no better way to end the summer movie season than by seeing Tarantino in all his gorey, violent glory. Actually, the whole things looks a bit like Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction set in Nazi Germany, so I have pretty high hopes about the whole deal.