Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Real-Time Review of Brooke Hogan's "Fallin". Here Comes the Rage.

0:00 - Okay, open on a poorly CGI'd version of the Earth and DIE DIE DIE WHAT WON'T YOU DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!...Sorry about that. Unlike certain other celebrities, Brooke Hogan has actually PROVEN herself to be scum, while others, no matter how much they annoy me, seem to at least have some traces of humanity. But nope, The Hogans have proven without a shadow of a doubt that they all deserve to be run over by a flaming truck. Which is why I will have gleeful fun ripping this video apart. Muhahahahahaha!

0:11 - Aaaaaaand we have Brooke HOgan lying around in a bikini. Super. My penis just resigned in protest. I hope your happy with yourself, you syph-infested skankburger.

0:26 - Oh wow is that ever sad: They tried to CGI a bunch of polaroids, and instead it looks like shit. Oh wait, did I say "Sad"? I meant "Hysterically funny because watching Brooke HOgan fail brings light to my days".

0:34 - The earsplitting awfulness continues with the rapper known as Stack$, aka, Yannique Barker. I shit you not. Between his depressingly bad name and having to rap in HOgan's video, this man must have fucked up REAL hard in a previous life.

0:56 - Ooooo, a closeup! This is the part where I would call HOgan a butterface, but let's face it: Bitch is so white trash, it's more like an "I-can't-believe-it's-not-butterface".

1:14 - I know Brooke isn't exactly Shakespeare here (Hell, she's not even Stephenie Meyer), but come on: In the space of on twenty-second chorus, you managed to say "fall" EIGHT FUCKING TIMES. Something tells me the lyrics were written in crayon on the back of a Denny's menu.

1:34 - Oh look, Douchebags McGee is back. Super. Apparently, the reason he's in this video is because he's currently banging this bitch, a process akin to sticking your dick in meat grinder.

1:49 - Waitwaitwaitwaitwait...Did he just say "Let's take an overseas trip on my private jet"? BAHAHAHAHAHAno. You're fucking the daughter of a washed-up wrestler. Chances are you couldn't even afford a Vespa.

2:06 - Oh God, the chorus again...Fuck it, I'm taking a shot of Jack Daniels every time this cunt says any variation of the word "Fall".

2:32 - Apparently, the director decided to pull some weird-ass "Dante's Inferno" deal where we keep delving further and further into the abyss through various CGI'd pictures (The abyss = Brook HOgan's pussy).

2:55 - No joke: I literally just ran out of Jack Daniels. I'm putting myself on suicide watch right now.

3:00 - As if this can't get any worse, here comes Stack$, looking very much like the guy who wears Ed Hardy shirts and slips roofies into your Jungle Juice.

3:14 - Oh God, it's finally over. Fuck waterboarding, this shit is fucking torture. Dick Cheney is probably shitting himself for not thinking of this. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go weep Pandora-style in the corner. If you'd like to kill your remaining braincells, the video is embedded below. Or you could save yourself three minutes and fellate a shotgun. Either/Or really.
Brooke Hogan f/ Stack$ (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

No comments: