Live-Snark of The 2009 MTV Movie Awards. Kill Yourself.

9:00 – Okay, barely a minute into this and Andy Samberg is already covered in shit. I’m not hopeful about any of this.

9:03 – And now he’s naked. Okay, I feel slightly better. Slightly. And there’s Justin Timberlake. Hooray?

9:06 – Oh God, they just broke out with a fucking Lolcats. Can I just kill myself now? But Jonah Hill’s expression just fucking killed me.

9:09 – Andy Samberg just made fun of Addiction. Is it wrong that I laughed hysterically about it?

9:11 – Ashley Tisdale just won the award for Breakthrough Female Performance while Anna Faris had a seizure onstage. Okay, so far I’m one for one on my predictions. Hooray for assuming the worst of American Media!

9:14 – Michael Bay is onstage to plus the new Transformers movie. I have absolutely no doubt that this movie will suck like a hoover.

9:22 – Shia Laboeuf continued the pattern of douche-tardedness by announcing the Best Fight Award. The two gay vampires just one for slapping each other around. I am now two for two! Come on guys, keep living up to my lowest expectations of you!

9:28 – Eminem just performed a couple of his songs, and I use the term “performed” in its loosest sense here, since the fucker lip-synced the whole thing. For fuck’s sake, it’s RAP for Christ’s sake. It’s not like you need five-octave vocal range.

9:36 – Andy Samberg and Will Ferrel did a song about guys who walk away from explosions. Much like everything else tonight, it was cripplingly unfunny. Surprise!

9:39 – Jonah Hill and Vanessa Hudgens presented the award for Breakthrough Male Performance to Jimmy Neutron Robert Pattinson. And quick tangent here: What is it with pairing shlubby guys with hot girls? Why does it never work in reverse? I call bullshit.

9:46 – Sacha Baron Cohen just made Eminem give him surprise Rimjob. This is without a doubt the single most redeeming act I have ever seen. Also, they announced an award or something. I think Brent Corrigan won it or something, I wasn’t really listening. Oh well, so ends my winning streak. CURSE YOU, CORRIGAN!!!

9:58 – Ryan Reynolds and the winner of the Kentucky Derby just presented the award for Best Kiss to (Wait for it...) TWILIGHT! OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ROBERT PATTINSON IS SO HOT AND DREAMY LOLZ ROFLMAO!!!! Also, did Ryan Reynolds just say he’ll start kissing guys now? Yay! Dustin is probably doing cartwheels as we speak.

10:02 – I just watched Forrest Whittaker sing Dick-In-A-Box. This is without a doubt the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Also, Leann Rimes singing about Cumming in her pants? Priceless.

10:06 – Damn, that’s two I missed...How does Amy Poehler pissing in a sink beat out a small child jumping into a puddle of shit?

10:09 – Did Miley Cyrus just beat out Bruce Springsteen for Best Song and subsequently receive an award from Lil Wayne? Yes, yes she did. How’s THAT for a “WTF?” moment?

10:18 – Oh look, the new Twilight movie. Kill yourself. Also, does anyone else think that Kristen Stewart looks massively, insanely high right now? Bitch looks like she just ate an entire tray of pot brownies.

10: 29 – Oooookay then...They just gave Ben Stiller a lifetime achievement award? Really? WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO ENCOURAGE HIM? Other things duly noted: Kiefer Sutherland is actually hysterically funny and I love him, and I am becoming increasingly convinced that Zac Efron and Brent Corrigan are the same person. Seriously, has anyone ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Back me up here, Dewayne.

10:38 – Awwww, Abigail Breslin looking all tiny and adorable...She warms the cockles of my heart she does. Anyways, Pothead takes the award for Best Female Performance and acts like a total klutz, which I actually find kinda endearing, mostly because I do shit like that all the time. Should I ever be blessed enough to win an award, I’m pretty sure I’ll accidently nail Steve Cruz in the teeth with it. Improbable? Yes, but I’m such a spazz I will somehow find a way to embarrass myself on that level. Anyways, I actually kinda love her right now. Don’t fucking judge me.

10:53 - Okay, so Dustin totally just called this one, but Will Ferrell and Danny McBride are onstage to plug Land of the Lost. Which strikes me as odd, because the only reason to see this would be for Anna Friel. Oh Chuck...Anyways, Jim Carrey won the award for Best Comedic Performance. Sure the movie sucked, but he did star in Eternal Sunshine, so he’s still riding on some goodwill from that one. Also, he wants people to overturn Prop 8. Word.

11:00 - Okay, Denzel Washington is here to pimp out his daughter/present the award for Best Movie to The Dark Knight.

...Wait, WHAT? TWILIGHT? THEY GAVE IT TO TWILIGHT? OH FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW. This is fucking Crash all over again. Well, just goes to show you, you’ll never go wrong by assuming the absolute worst in people. Fuck life, you can all pretty much just go kill yourselves now. Life is meaningless. Thanks a bunch, Stephenie Meyers!