A Real-Time Review of Heidi Montag's "Black Out". Choke On It and Die.

0:05 - Oh look, five seconds in and we already have a grainy shot of the back of Heidi's head. If you want to know what a Heidi/Spender sex tape would look like, just loop this for about fifteen minutes and you'll have a pretty good idea.

0:08 - MY EARS! OH GOD, FROM WHENCE DOES THIS HORRIBLE SCREECHING COME FROM?
OH GOD KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

0:18 - Let's see...Bikini? Check. Beach? Check. Writhing? Check. Isn't this just a rehashing of her video for Higher, only with the auto-tune set to make her hit different notes?

0:21 - Okay, I think I found the only audible part of the song that will be repeated until I pray to lose my hearing. "WA-OH. WA-OH."

0:36 - Okay no, seriously, this is just her first video set in colour. And I mean really, Heidi and Spencer are richer than God. Do you honestly expect me to believe that this is the most they could afford?

0:44 - Actually, I take that back. It appears they've invested in some, *ahem* liquid assets, if you get what I mean...I mean Heidi has big fake tits to draw attention away from her horse face.

0:54 - Okay, I'm starting to think Heidi has only three dance moves: Stroking her hair, shoving her tits into the camera and shaking her head like a two-year old who doesn't want to go to bed.

1:00 - Between the back-of-the-head shot and Heidi's propensity for crawling around on all fours, I'm guessing Spencer is hitting it doggy-style. That way, he can imagine he's fucking Ryan Seacrest.

1:17 - Oh look, Heidi's using a rope as a phallic symbol. But if she wants something a little more representative of the guy porking her, shouldn't she go for a shoelace or something?

1:28 - And I was right. If that bitch say "WA-OH" one more fucking time, I will cut a bitch.

1:42 - Seriously, why do you feel the need to keep brushing your hair? Is it because it's the only part of your body that hasn't been waxed in a Ken Doll-like sheen?

2:07 - Oh Heidi, I know you obviously don't sing a word of this song, but would it kill you at least TRY lip-syncing? Seriously, you look like Mr. Ed after a jar of Skippy's peanut butter.

2:35 - Who the hell decided that close-ups of Heidi's face would be a good idea? Fun Fact: Heidi's face is the exact same shape as California, and considering the amount of plastic surgery she's had, about as likely to fall off during an earthquake.

3:05 - Some of you may be wondering how I've managed to get through nearly the entire video without mentioning Heidi's singing. Simply put, the whole thing is so auto-tuned and over-produced that it turns into white noise. This couldn't be any more bland if they served it on white bread and covered it in mayonnaise.

3:10 - Oh look, a gratuitous ass-shot! At least it would be if the bitch actually had an ass.

3:27 - Aaaaaand it's over. My God was that ever tedious. There's only so many things you can say about three and a half minutes of Heidi Montag gyrating on a beach in a catatonic state. Fuck you, you worthless ho-bag. For your own judgment, here is the terrible, terrible video. I wouldn't watch it if I were you.