An Open Letter To Sarah Palin

www.nataliedee.com
Dear crazy librarian lady who won't shut the fuck up Sarah Palin,

Hiya! You probably don't know who I am, although I can't really blame you since you probably don't have the mental capacity remember your own name without reading it off the palm of your hand. But I digress. My name is Jeremy Feist, and I'm from Canada, or as you probably call it, "America's Hat". Or "Where all my cheap Valium comes from".

Listen, I know at this point you've pretty much lost any and all pretense of being a serious politician, or of being anything at all that requires some level of competence, self-respect or accomplishment, but here's the thing: there's a difference between "making a point" and "Being a spiteful, vindictive jack-off". Guess which category you fall under? Here's a hint: It's the one that makes you look batshit crazy.

I know you were elected into office, which means that by law you're now obligated to be hypocritical to a fault. That being said, to pinpoint houses of your political enemies using sniper targets and using gun terminology when discussing political strategy when you are consciously aware that a small, albeit crazy faction of your supporters might misconstrue that in a violent light? This is one of those things that you should really consider NEVER doing. I'm not sure what's worse: that you hunt wolves from a fucking helicopter or that we nearly elected to the office of the vice-president someone who's main hobby is murdering things.

And about your staunch opposition to universal health care...Yeah, there actually does exist an America with universal health care. And gay marriage. And a pro-choice stance on abortion. It's called Canada. And so far, we have not followed our Hitler-mustachioed Obama overlords into socialist work factories while the Deathpanels killed our grannies. Actually, we're doing pretty good for ourselves. Actually, as of this writing our dollars are pretty much on par. Maybe a tad over, but who's counting?

I guess the thing that really annoys me about you is that, well, you're just a fucking poison. You're poison to the American political debate. Remember back when Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg address? Well, now we've gotten to the point where you get into a feud with fucking "Family Guy". On your Facebook page. I know not every political speech can be a winner right out of the gate, but I think we can all agree that something has gone very wrong when you're telling your followers to pull over anyone with an Obama bumper sticker and ask the owner of the car "How's that whole Hopey-Changey stuff is working for ya?"

To them I say, "Pretty good so far. How's that whole "4 term governorship" working for ya?"

In conclusion: Please never do anything ever again. For the sake of humanity, PLEASE. Don't.

Fuck you whore My Respects,

Jeremy Feist

P.S. Get over it. It's "Family Guy" for Christ's sake. It stopped being funny after the third season.

An Open Letter To Carrie Prejean

Dear Carrie Prejean,

How are you? Okay, good good, glad to hear it. Alright, listen honey...I know you're not that smart. I mean, let's face it, you're a beauty pageant contestant. Most people in that field are lucky if their IQ isn't in the negatives.

Which is why I'm here to help you. There's obviously a lot of things you don't understand. Like Freedom of Speech, or the definition of "persecution", or where the sun goes at night. I'm gonna try and make these as clear as possible for you.

Alright, Freedom of Speech...that doesn't apply ONLY to you here. Listen, you have every right in the world to say that an entire group of people don't deserve the same rights and privileges as you do because of something you read in a very old book. Honestly, go right ahead. But here's the thing: People are also allowed to say other things too. For example, I can say that you're a talentless butterface with fake, wonky tits. See that? Freedom of Speech.

Now, about that whole "Christians are persecuted" bit? Not quite. If someone disagrees with you, that's not persecution. Now, if they started taking your rights away because of how you thought, THEN it's persecution. So yeah, please don't bitch and moan about how you guys are persecuted. Has anyone ever voted to take away you're right to get married? No? Then shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.

Hopefully, that cleared everything up for you. If you ever need anything else, just take a long walk of a short pier. Thanks doll!

xox, Jeremy Feist

An Open Letter To Elizabeth Hasselbeck

YOU CRAZY FUCKING BITCH, ARE YOU HIGH? I'm sorry, so just because the majority agrees with something, that makes it alright? What, just because you managed to get voted off of Survivor, you think you are capable of forming a well-thought and articulate opinion? Bitch, please. My Godtopus, even Sherri Shepherd is smarter than you, and she said she wasn't sure if the earth is flat (though in all fairness, she's gotten better)! Fuck you, you ignorant bitch.

Choke on a bag of shit,

Jeremy Feist

(Yes, I know, two open letters in a row. I just got back from work and my tattoo hurts. Sue me.)

An Open Letter To Katy Perry

Dear Katy,

Seriously? Just stop. Pretty please?

I'm not saying you're a bad person. Really, I'm not. Obviously, you've gotten all that "God-hates-fags-bible-thumping" bullshit out of your system, so obviously you're doing something right. It's just that, well, you're kind of a gigantic idiot.

I mean really, there are a lot of women out there who are truly bisexual. These are the women who actually go out there and fall in love with other women. And it's not just some dumb fucking ploy to sell a couple records, it's because people fall in love and it's sad and beautiful and terrifying and wonderful. It's kind of a clusterfuck, really.

All your song does is say that girls only kiss girls because they want attention, or because they want to make their boyfriends happy. This is the part where I call bullshit, and say that you are a dumb fucking idiot who couldn't find your own ass with two hands and a map.

You may be wondering why the hell I'm only going off on you now, when you're crappy album has been out for something along the lines of four months. Well, the answer is this:

Oh fuck off, are you serious? What the hell do you think you're doing on the cover? Since when do we reward stupidity and the trivialization of gay culture with idolization? Cheyenne Jackson I get, Sam Sparro I get, Gene Robinson I get, but I mean really, Katy Perry? That's like lining up a row of Oscars, the dumping a steaming turd right beside them.

So in conclusion, you have no idea what you're doing, and you're only making an idiot of yourself and the gay community. Please stop doing everything.

Hugs,

Jeremy Feist

P.S. Your cupcake purse was stupid. STUPID!