Pornstar 101: Choosing Your Porn Name

One of the biggest decisions you will ever make is choosing your porn name. Whether you're actually going into porn, or you got drunk at a friend's kegger and your waxing hypothetical about your career as "Mike Magnum", everyone has a porn name. To date, their are over 10 billion porn names in existence*. Jason Crystal is responsible for approximately 20% of them**. But how do you choose yours? With this handy-dandy guide. I suggest printing out and keeping it in your wallet or purse at all times. Why? Because your mom.

#1: Don't Use Any Method Involving A Pet's Name
I know the standard method involves your first pet's name plus the street you grew up on, but this is impractical. For starters, if you grew up in New York City, you're gonna end up with a goddamn number. I don't care how big a fan you are of Seinfeld, Seven is a dumb name. And even if you grew up anywhere else, you're still going to end up with a crappy name. Christ, I would have ended up as Kahlua Windmill, which sounds like the most depraved sex act ever.

#2: Keep It Simple...But Not Too Simple

Like any good title, you want it to be short, grab interest, but not give too much away. For example, "Dick Steel" is vaguely sexual, and of course, SHORT. Believe me, no one by the name of "Frederick-Charleston Szczygielski" will ever win a Grabby. Too much work to engrave, really. On the flip-side, "Cum Penissucker" is way too dirty, and you can kiss any chance of ever appearing on The Wendy Williams Show goodbye.

#3: Are You Latino? You Must Name Yourself Ricky Martinez Did you know there are, like, four gay porn stars named Ricky Martinez? Seriously? Come on, there are like an infinite amount of other names you could have picked here. His music isn't even that good anyway. Although considering the original Ricky Martin just came out, chances are they're all feeling pretty vindicated right now.

#4: Pick One Name, Then Stick With It

There's a reason why you're parents only ever gave you one full name: Because there's no reason for you to have a second. mind you, if something comes up and you're forced to change it, totally acceptable. But going back and forth between two names? Annoying. Going back and forth between 19? Grounds for chemical castration.

#5: Middle Names = Fucking Awesome
Middle names are a severely underrated aspect of the porn name. The porn middle name gives you the perfect opportunity to finally say that danger really IS your middle name.

#6: Pick A Name That Corresponds To Your Look
Think of it as advertising: if you're a twink, get a name that sounds youthful. If you're one of those super-giganto muscle bears, use a tough sounding name. Seriously, if you're a bodybuilder by the name of Tracy Young or something, be prepared for weird looks.

#7: Unless You're A Girl, No Pretentious Misspellings Allowed
I have no idea why, but for female pornstars there's this weird thing where every name has to be spelled in a weird way with added, useless double letters and X's thrown in. This doesn't work with men. Just spell your name like a normal person; you'll thank me later.

#8: No Single Names

Unless you're Cher, Madonna or Jewel (and if you are, I'm terribly sorry), just pick a last name. ANY last name. I think you need to earn an assload of money before you can walk around with only name.

#9: Google It

Think of picking your porn name like buying a house or getting a boyfriend: You're going to want to get some history before you make a commitment. It may seem perfect now, but you're face is going to be sooooooo red when you find out you're sharing a porn name with someone who raped and killed a dozen 12-year-old girls in the name of Xenu.

#10: STEVE HOLT!
If you name yourself "STEVE HOLT!", you win at life.

*Completely made up statistic. **Actual statistic.

8 Fictional Characters Who Are Surprisingly Shitty At Their Job

#8 - Mills Lane (Celebrity Deathmatch)

Actually, Mills Lane is a damn fine referee, but let's face it: Is there really a point officiating over a fight where someone is going to end up in a body bag anyway? For the most part, all he really does is stand in the corner in order to keep A-List blood off of him.


#7 - Nancy Botwin (Weeds)

You know, for a weed dealer, Nancy doesn't actually deal that much weed. Actually, the only time we see her doing any dealing, she's getting busted. Not only that, but most of her actual victories are because of other people, and she usually ends up completely blowing them anyway.

#6 - Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

Apparently wisest and most powerful wizard in the series, Dumbledore is kind of a gigantic dumbass for the most part. Despite being the most accomplished man out there, instead of becoming what is essentially wizard president, he decides to become the principal of a school where 1/4 of the students go on to commit mass genocide. And he also got killed by one of his employees, although that was just some double-double-cross or something. Point is, you can't spell Dumbledore without "Dumb".

#5 - Gregory House (House)

House is a doctor, and by "Doctor", I mean he physically and verbally abuses his patients, throws out wild accusations, pops pills and generally acts like a dick to everyone and everything until the disease is halted at the last minute. For the most part, this usually involves a shit load of illegal or unethical practices, but hey, living patients. Woooooo!

#4 - Dora The Explorer (Dora The Explorer)

Ugh, yes, this bitch. She doesn't so much "explore" as she does "walk around, stare vacantly at the screen, and encourage your children to scream like banshee hellbeasts from the deepest pits of the inferno." Hey Dora, wanna find that tree or whatever the fuck it is you're after? Fucking look behind you, you stupid prostitot.

#3 - Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

For those of you wondering what exactly the fuck Lara does, she's an archaeologist. Yes, really. Which strikes me as odd really since she's perfectly happy to smash various fossilized pots and vases for the little trinkets inside, also she can get her hands on ONE little piece of shiny bullshit. Congratulations on breaking millions of dollars worth of priceless artifacts.

#2 - The entire cast of CSI (CSI: Pretty Much Any of Them)

I'm surprised these people actually manage to get anything accomplished since none of them even know what exactly their job entails. In the show, not only does the CSI team investigate the location, but they apparently perform all the functions of pretty much the entire judicial system as well. Not only that, but forensic evidence becomes some sort of hyper-accurate method where a murder can be tracked down by a cigarette butt and a wad of gum under someone's shoe. Sure, whatever you say.

#1 - The Staff of Seattle Grace Hospital (Grey's Anatomy)

To be honest, the CSIs probably would have taken this one if it weren't for the fact that the doctors of Grey's Anatomy regularly kill their patients through illegal and immoral practices. Seriously, I may not be an expert, but I somehow think letting a patient die so you can score some organ harvesting might be against the Hippocratic Oath. Or at the very least, result in a greater punishment than a verbal thrashing.

Suck It Saturday

Remember No Whining Wednesday? Well, consider today the opposite day: Suck It Saturday. It's the end of the week, so from now on, Saturday is the new day to air out all of your grievances and start the new week! So here are something that can suck it:

#1: People Who Don't Understand "Personal Space"


Here's the thing: If I stretch my arms out to my sides and whip them around and they touch you? You are too damn close. If it's a really crowded room or we're in an elevator or something, then okay, whatever. Totally cool with that. However, if it's a big-ass room, and I don't know you, and you're close enough for me to smell what you had for breakfast (which, as far as I can tell, was a steaming bowl of poo) I'm automatically filing you under "P" for "Probably a serial rapist".

#2: People Who Order A Ton Of Food Then Barely Eat It And Throw It Out Instead

Did you know people invented doggie bags for a reason? Yeah, it's so that you don't make your waiter throw out a shitload of perfectly good food. So help me Godtopus, next person who makes me throw out a gigantic slab of meat will be tied up, forced to watch a homeless person eat the food, and then I'll probably bitch slap them a couple times for being a total dickhole.

#3: Bloody Caesars

So apparently, this is some sort of Canadian thing, so I might need to back this one up a bit: A Bloody Caesar is exactly the same thing as a Bloody Mary, only instead of Tomato Juice, it's CLAMato Juice. As in WHY ARE YOU PAYING TO DRINK CLAM JUICE?! Seriously, do you know how gross that is? Gag. Oh, and they take damn near forever to make because they have a bajillion ingredients. They're totally annoying.

#4: People Who Have No Sense Of Humour

I'm sure this comes as a huge shock to you, but did you know I do this thing where I make fun of people? I know, I'm as shocked as you are. Well apparently this doesn't go over all that well sometimes, which strikes me as odd because they seem to have this belief that I'm not allowed to make fun of certain things. Here's the thing: I make fun of things because it's funny. If I don't make fun of something, it's not because I like it; it's because it's not funny. So yeah, if I make fun of you? It's because you did something funny. That's all it is.

#5: Owl City

If you've never had the (Dis)pleasure of experiencing Owl City, don't Google them. For your own safety, don't. Imagine what The Postal Service would sound like if instead Ben Gibbard they got that whiney emo kid from your Intro to College English Class who thinks his poetry is amazing when it really just makes him sound like a huge pussy. Read these lyrics and try not to start clawing at your computer monitor:

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

One thing you should know about this is that a grown man is singing this. And people love it. Ugh.

Anyway, that's what I think can suck it. Feel free to spread the hate and come up with things that you think can totally suck it.

Cannonball Read Entry #18: Pride And Prejudice And Zombies - Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith

[Ed. Note: Today's Cannonball Read Entry is dedicated to CBR co-founder Amanda "Alabama Pink" Amos, who a year ago lost her fight with Leukemia.]

It's a truth universally acknowledged that Jane Austen books are actually pretty boring. Unless you're a high school student or a middle-aged housewife in a book club, chances are you probably wouldn't need to read an Austen novel by choice.

It's not that Austen was necessarily a bad writer; actually, she was a pretty damn good one. Plus, she actually wrote for pleasure rather than profit, making her one of the first known example's of a true artist. That being said, her books just haven't aged well. The communication between characters is unbearably proper, the standards of feminism too antiquated and anachronistic. In short, it was a well prepared but ultimately bland serving; it just needed a little kick.

Enter Grahame-Smith and a legion of zombies.

The first rule of parody is that if you want a good spoof, you have to be in love with the subject matter, and it shows: the pieces that are Austen's and those of Grahame-Smith blend together so seemlessly that, if it weren't for the talk of ninjas and beheadings, it would be damn near impossible to accurately tell where one person's narrative ended and the other's began. There's a tender loving care to the story, so that the basic tone, style and sensibilities of the original are still ever-present, with the zombies playing an integrated, if somewhat jarring, part of the story.

For the most part, the plot remains the same: It's still the story of the five Bennet sisters trying to find a man before they're inevitably kicked out of their home due to inheritance law. Only now the London of past happens to be over-run by zombies, and the Bennet sisters aren't so much refined, dainty flowers as they are kick-ass wushu warriors with as much bloodlust in their systems as estrogen.

To be honest with you, the original Pride and Prejudice, though lacking in a gripping story, did offer a glimpse of a sort of feminism refreshing for its time, even if it doesn't really hold up to modern standards. For the most part, Austen was probably something of a ye olde Diablo Cody, in that she was an amazing writer who just needed a good story. The zombie bits are probably the better parts of the book, if only because they marry Austen's classic prose with a story-line that's far more appealing.

In short, for those of you who want to read Pride and Prejudice? You're better off just going with "and Zombies" addendumed version. Although considering that zombies are pretty much a pinnacle of the Pajiban way, I might be a tad biased.

View Askew

In large part, Kevin Smith has become something more of an idea than an actual person; In 1994, he released Clerks, a movie with a budget that Hollywood considers to be pocket change. And it was fucking fantastic. The movie wore its indie badge on its sleeve, was adored by critics, and became a cult classic. Even with the post-production budget multiplying the movie's budget almost tenfold, it still managed to gross almost 14 times its investment.

He became the force outside of the machine; the person who, for a lot of people, manifested the idea that you could work outside of the system and still be able to turn a profit while maintaining critical success by making movies for people who actually appreciate the art of film, rather than simply those who had $20 on them and needed to waste two hours of their life.

And then he released Cop Out and took a big steaming dump over everything he worked for.

Actually, it wouldn't be fair to say that it was simply the release of Cop Out that did him in. Despite massive critical acclaim, Smith never managed to earn over $30 million at the box office. After a while, that probably starts to get annoying. So he decided to do a studio movie. I'm not about to jump on the high horse and start calling him out for it. I mean at this point, the guy's been building up god will for about seventeen years. Hell, after this long, most people (including myself) were more than happy to give him a free pass.

Naturally, the movie sucked. It's not like people were standing at the sidelines, foaming at the mouth to see him fail. Simply put, it was a tired formula, stale jokes with stilted delivery, terrible acting (unless it begins with "30" and ends with "Rock", don't put Tracy Morgan in it) and overall, it was just a huge letdown. Some people were calling it the moment that Kevin Smith officially sold out, but it wasn't.

That would come later.

Here's the thing about Kevin Smith's anti-critic rant: it, along with Cop Out, managed to alienate everyone who had elevated him to his status. The film itself was a swift kick in the balls to those who looked to him as proof that you could beat the system, and his rant was his way of implying zero-accountability. He didn't make a bad movie, you're just too elitist to appreciate a dumb movie.

And here's where the bullshit detector starts to blip a little. There are plenty of brainless movies that were perfectly enjoyable. Hell, I even made a list out of it. The only thing is, they didn't just settle for being brainless. They evened it out by actually being funny. You didn't.

Now, as for the comments about critics...If anything, considering that they're getting a free-screening, not to mention various other free swag, they'd probably be more inclined to go easier on you. Bad reviews rarely, if ever, result in a huge loss in revenue. But good reviews can, and usually do, result in a sort of longevity. Think about it: Alvin and the Chipmunks made tons of money. Will people remember it through the ages? No. But a movie like Juno, which earned critical success, which lead to commercial success, will be remembered far longer.

But when it comes down to it, it's not a matter of Kevin Smith versus his critics. Rather, it's a matter of Kevin Smith versus his fans. Critics are meant to be objective in their subjectivity (if such a thing exists), in that they can't let personal opinion cloud their judgment. Their job is to deconstruct a movie from a purely artistic standpoint. In this sense, they're quite fickle: They can love one movie from a certain writer/director/actor, only to hate the next one, and vice-versa. It's a matter of being a professional. But fans don't have to be professional. They're just along for the ride.

Here's the thing: If I'm paying $20 to go see a movie (this is factoring in the absolute ass-raping that occurs while trying to get a Hefty Bag full of popcorn and five liters of Diet Pepsi), it had better be a goo fucking movie. If I'm not thoroughly entertained, you better goddamn believe someone is losing their head.

But that's what happened: he made a movie that appealed to the lowest common factor, and he pulled the "elitist" flag that so many use when trying to avoid personal responsibility. The absolute worst thing you can do is pretend there's nothing wrong when something is, and let's face it, there's something wrong with this picture. He made a crappy, and people called him out on it. You can pull out every excuse in the book you want, but getting mad at critics for calling something like it is is like taking a dump in the middle of someone's living room then getting angry when they ask you to stop.

But all in all, the worst part is that, as a symbol, Kevin Smith is no more. Hey, I'm looking forward to Red State as much as the next guy, but at this point, Kevin Smith has pretty much stomped out the idea that someone can operate outside of the standard while maintaining critical adoration and artistic credibility. But hey, he finally made $45 million, right? Hope it was all worth it.

The Penis Mightier

So guess who just finished writing his first book ever?

Yeah. So after months of writing and blocks and random discombobulation and such, I finally finished writing it. As in holy shit, I just wrote a fucking book. Suck on THAT, everyone who said I would never amount to anything! Especially YOU, Mr. Donovan. You're a dick.

Okay, so technically, "Finished" might be jumping the gun a little bit. I still have to actually edit the damn thing (which I am really not looking forward too because UGH, more work) and then I have to send it to agents and get it published and blah and blah and blah...So, ummmm, I guess it's really only partially finished then, huh? Well whatever, I wrote a rough draft of a freaking book. That calls for some celebratory drinking, right? Well whatever, I'm gonna drink anyway.

Anyway, gonna go ahead and jump right over the gun here. I decided to dedicate the book to the following people:

#1: To Mama and Papa Feist. Not their actual names. For just loving me no matter what, and because if I don't they will hunt me down and beat me with sticks. Seriously, they said so.

#2: To Clyde. I loved you more than you could ever know. And you returned the favour. For this, I'm forever grateful to you.

#3: To the good folk over at Pajiba. There's a good chance you people are completely insane, but that's what I like about you. Thanks for being awesome.

#4: To all the single ladies. Now put your hands up.

Okay that last one might just be a joke. But still, I wrote a goddamn book. Sweet.

Suck It, Lady Gaga

Alright, so by now you know my opinions on Lady Gaga's Telephone video (The tl;dr version: It sucked,) but to prove that I'm not completely heartless, here's Pomplamoose's cover of Telephone. Believe me when I say that it is easily the most adorable cover song you will ever hear. If your ovaries don't explode and your heart doesn't cave in on itself, then obviously there is something seriously wrong with you.

A Very Gary Busey Day

Today was actually kinda fucking weird.

First thing in the morning, I got a really nasty comment on Litely Salted (since been deleted. Thanks Stace!) that pretty much went above and beyond the usual nastiness we get on there to the point of it being a personal attack. To be honest, it was kinda obvious from the writing style (not to mention the IP Address) who wrote it, but whatever, I'm not about to be bullied into a fight over something like that.

Anyway, next came the shocker that I won Eloquent Eloquence over on Pajiba, which came with the addendum that I had to take a picture of myself humping a screen that prominently featured Gary Busey's face.

Even in context, this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
But I did it anyway. The results earned some pretty rave reviews I must say, which is kinda weird because A) it wasn't really the best picture of me, and B) it featured Gary Busey. Actually, Gary Busey seemed pretty gung ho about it. He was giving the camera a big Chiclet smile and a thumbs up and everything.

And then everyone got all pissy over the definition of "Skank" when Stacey called the chick that Sandra Bullock's husband is banging a skank. The only problem: She was a porn star. To be honest, I know Stacey by now; she's totally down with the porn stars. Hell, she hired me, didn't she? Anyway, I agree with her that the girl and Jesse James are both skanks, not because she does porn or anything, but because they had a fucking affair. Affair = skank. It's like science and shit.

Anyway, whatevs. Weird day I guess. I'm going to be. Cheers.

Hung Geekster Porn Star

Fun fact: Only three of the four words The Sword used above actually describe me. Guess which!

But yeah, look everyone! I was on The Sword and stuff! How fucking awesome is that? (The answer to this is SO GODDAMN AWESOME.) Actually, it was up on Friday, but since nobody told me, and also because it was St. Patrick's Day weekend which meant drinking to a near-comatose state, I only found out today. Anyway, point being, this is fucking rad as hell, and I'm totally honoured right now. And for the record: The Sword described me as a full-fledged Porn Star. THE FUCKING SWORD. So anybody who says I'm not a porn star is obviously a lying liar who tells lies, and they can totally kiss my Chrissy Behind (it's fine most of the time.)

Anyhoodle, thanks!

Oh, and for the record: Brita Filters? Naaaaaaaah. I like my men like I like my alcohol: cheap, poorly filtered and quite possibly poisonous.

The Art Of Gaming

I really don't talk about this often enough, but I'm something of a huge gamer. Mind you, this is the 21st Century: Saying you play video games is pretty much like saying that you enjoy wearing pants or that you don't stone a woman every time she has her period. But that's beside the point.

Despite massive mainstream success, both commercially and critically, gaming tends to be seen as something of a lesser art form. Despite the media of film, television and music being composed of about 90% pure, unadulterated shit, these have all been accepted by mainstream audiences whole-heartedly. Video games however are still usually seen as being quarantined to a niche market, presumably one compromised of geeks, nerds, social lepers and various other schmucks stuck in a case of arrested development.

But the thing is, if we're basing it solely on a purely innovative standpoint, gaming is by far the most evolved form of art available today. Not only that, but it continues to evolve in a way that film, television and music can and will never be able to emulate.

In simple terms, it means that in the space of 38 years, gaming has evolved so rapidly that past titles, though still classic, are obsolete by today's standards. Compare this to film: In 1972, The Godfather was released, and is widely seen as one of the greatest films of all time; Comparing this to 2010, Hurt Locker just (deservedly) won Best Picture, and despite being a perfectly good movie, really doesn't compare.

Contrast this to gaming: In 1972, Pong was released, and people fucking shit themselves because they could make a little rectangle go up and down to keep a little square from flying off the screen into non-existance. Fast-forward to 2010: We have games with full on physics engines, graphics that have gone from little white blocks to almost life-like human models, and an even greater level of difficulty.

Unlike films, gaming is based on the skill that there audience brings into it. The highest level of functioning that you need in order to properly enjoy a movie to it's full potential is the ability to see and the ability to hear. That's it. Gaming, on the other hand, not only requires a greater set of reflexes and hand-eye coordination than the previous generation. It's an art form that actually requires you to be able to grow with it and vice-versa.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of shit games. And there are games that really only serve as to rehash well-trodden territory. Take, for instance, The New Super Mario Bros. on the Wii. It's not a bad game by any stretch of the imagination. Will I ever buy it? No. Why? For the simple reason that Super Mario Bros. Wii represents artistic stagnation; I mean Christ, Super Mario Galaxy had you running around entire goddamn planets and universes using an engine meant to replicate gravity. It recreated gravity and instead you're going to go back 25 years to "Go left and jump until you get to the end"?

If we're going to pinpoint the exact moment where gaming (in my mind at least) could be considered an art form, it would have to be with the release of Portal back in 2007. It was original, the humour was whip smart, and the entire thing ran off a physics engine so finely detailed it could have been written by God himself. It was the moment where gaming became art; a rapidly shifting and changing form of art that grew with it's audience. One that looked back on its past for the sole purpose of expanding on it rather than ripping it off. One whose value could accurately be measured by its audience, rather than the other way around. If art is meant to be a living, breathing thing, meant to evolve through time, than Gaming is as close to that definition as possible.