Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Vacation, Episode 1: Taking Flight (Part 1)

Hey y'all! I'm currently blogging from sunny DR, drinking a Jack and Coke and trying to get a tan so that I no longer look like I grew up in Chernobyl. So, I guess an update is called for, isn't it?

So, Sunday I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, Made my way over to the car with my bags, and slept for 15 minutes in the car there. So We got to the airport, go over to check our bags, and realise that all the books I had bought for the trip were still in THE FUCKING CAR.

Thankfully, our plane was delayed for an hour and a half, so I called my brother to come back with the car so I could get my books. A little petty, yes, but hey, If I didn't bring a distraction, I could very well have ended up trying to stangle myself with the seatbelt.

One thing you should know about me right now is that I expect the worse in every circumstance. Mostly because experience has taught me that it'll probably happen anyways. So you can expect how well I handled flying 500 miles per hour through the air in a metal tube. The fact that I didn't die in a horrible, firey explosion 40,000 feet in the air I consider to be a huge plus.

Thankfully, the in-flight movie was The Dark Knight, but having recently recieved it on DVD, I was a little tapped out, so I decided instead to finish off my copy of Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates. A bit of a dry read, but informative none the less.

Anyways, my battery is gonna die soon, so I'll post more as I go along. Talk to you later!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Vacations and Movie Quote Quizes

I have to kake this quick, because Matt is ordering me to go to bed. Alright, so tomorrow I'll be jetting off to the Dominican Republic for a week of vacation time. If I can find Wifi down there, I'll try to update, however spordically. However, for the time being, Enjoy this lil old movie quote quiz before Sarah comes along with all the answers. She's very good.

First, the rules
1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. If you guess put down which number the quote is and then the movie it came from.
5. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
6. No cheating, if you don't know any of them then that's just too bad.
7. You don't have to be tagged to play.

And remember: No Google!
Here are the quotes...

#1: No, throw it up. I'm kidding. Yeah, peace. I love peace. I'd be out of a job for peace.
Iron Man - Sarah
#2: Sweetheart, you can't buy the necessities of life with cookies.
Edward Scissorhands - Sarah
#3: I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
The Holy Grail - Sarah
#4: You can't! It's impossible! I'm far too busy, so ask me now before I can become sane.
The Incredibles - Sarah
#5: You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.
V For Vendetta - Sandman
#6: You can tell me the Russian for, "apply your own bloody suntan lotion."
The Dark Knight - Greg
#7: It was in a Cadillac. Miami. Bunny-hopped down the beach. I was a bit pissed. It was hilarious.
Happy Go Lucky - Greg
#8: I hope that donkey doesn't have a heinie troll!
Clerks II - jM
#9: I know better than to argue romance with a French woman.
Big Fish - Sarah
#10: I had a small gadget installed in my brain and I see subtitles under people when they speak.
#11: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
South Park - Sarah
#12: Are you sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked in the shower?
Elf - Lainey
#13: When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other, that not only does God exist, you're doing His will.
Kill Bill - Sandman
#14: Oh, the human mouth is a disgusting place.
Finding Nemo - Sarah
#15: Tell me my dear, can a heart still break once it's stopped beating? Hm?
Corpse Bride - Sarah
#16: WHOOOO! Scorchin’! Like that?
Be Cool - Rusty
#17: These bitches sucking cock and eating ass... then they show up at the buffet and say they're vegan.
#18: You know my fourth rule? Never make a promise you can't keep.
#19: You're gonna cut your dick off for Jesus?
#20: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Sarah

Alright, I'm off. Later, y'all!

Friday, December 26, 2008


Sorry, not much of a post tonight. I've been busy working on a movie quote quiz on facebook. Above is the result of me being fucking lazy and not shaving. Ya like the beard or not? Just let me know.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

SUCK! MY! COCK! And Other Cherished Christmas Memories

Oh, what a wonderfully fucked up Christmas this has been. Hope you enjoy walls of unreadable, impenetrable text!

Well, for starters, I woke up this morning, and umwrapped my present from Mom: a martini shaker, CDs from The Dresden Dolls and Sleater-Kinney, and itunes money. As much as I complain about her, and tell everyone that she has herpes behind her back, but at the end of the day, my mother is fucking AWESOME.

After a two-martini breakfast (which quickly turned into three-martini, and subsequently, a four-, five- and six-martini breakfast), we went over to Dad's house. I hate to say it, but it's best to set your standards low. I love him, but he's living proof that money can't buy you class. He's one of those people that you can pretty much send him the exacts specifics of what you want, and he will STILL completely fuck it up.

Case in point, I ask for an iPhone, since my cell phone is so goddamn old, it will occasionally remark "Meh, it's a living". But he tells me that he can't get the iPhone, since I can't get out of my contract, so he'll get me something similar. And you know what? That's totally fair, that may have been asking for a little too much. So I open my presents, and every single thing I get is clothes. Now, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth, I LOVE clothes, but the only problem with this is that THEY'RE ALL LARGE. Come on, you see me every other week, do I look like a large?I disappear when I turn sideways. I'm a size 28, and he bought me size 35 jeans. Thankfully, he kept the tags, and I'm a hell of a shopper. This is why Godtopus invented Boxing Day. I love shopping anyways, at least this gives me a reason.

After this, we went to my Aunt's house for a big ol' family reunion. Now, I should probably tell you now that taking an irish family and putting them all in a room fully stocked with alcohol is rarely a good idea. Feelings will be hurt, laughs will be had, someone will be shanked with the neck of a broken beer bottle...And that was my elementary school grauation.

One family tradition that takes place when we've all consumed massive amounts of the hooch is the telling of stories we've already told the last hundred times we celebrated this drunken tradition. And occasionally, we will have new ones. For example, while Christmas shopping, my brother and cousin were searching for a parking spot, when some lady (whom shall from here on be known as Crazybitch McGee) decided to walk directly in front of their car, instead of, you know, NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. So they try to go around her, but this apparently pisses her off to no end, so Crazybitch McGee walks up to my cousin's window (he's the one driving) and yells at him. At this point, he turns to her, and point blank, one goddamn foot in front of her face screams (and I quote) "SUCK! MY! COCK!".

Once the telling of drunken, incoherent stories was finished, we moved onto a new tradition, a re-gift exchange, where we take random shit lying around the house and trade them up amongst each other. Apparently, it was supposed to be something cheesy, but I didn't get the message, and gave away my DVD of the first season of The Office. So I lost that, and in exchange, I got a fucking werewolf mask. Weeee.

And in what is easily the most awkward Christmas moment ever, I learned that my cousin also listens to Santogold (best album of the year). So then my uncle starts talking about one of the songs, Unstoppable, so he has me go and get my iPod to play it for them all. So I go from adult to adult, playing some Santogold for them. Have you ever stood two feet away from a muscular, forty year old army man screaming "EH-EH-EH-EH! YOU DON'T LIE!" in a crowded room? I wouldn't reccomend it.

Well, that's how it went. All in all, it's been a weird day, but you know what? I got to spend time with family, and if this makes me sound like a weenie, so be it, but as much as they drive me insane and make me wish that I had been adopted, they really are the people I care most about. I'll lead you out with some Santogold, Unstoppable. Let the visual image above settle in while you watch this.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Godtokkah!

I know Christmas is tomorrow, or more accurately, about 45 minutes from now, but did you know that us Cephalopotheists (which is the fancy term for the followers of Godtopus) have our own end of the year celebration too? No? That's probably because I totally pulled it out of my ass this morning. Well, come next year, this shit will be everywhere. So what the fuck is Godtokkah?

Godtokkah is an eight day long celebration honouring the almighty wisdom of Godtopus. Each day, we light a candle held by one of the tentacles on the Menorahpus. The light of the candles is meant to guide the way for Santopus, who gives gifts to those who have been good by going to see good movies, and sprays ink on the carpets of those who saw stupid, shitty movies.

The kids welcome Santopus by hanging eight stockings from the fire place, one for each day and for each tentacle. They leave out cookies and Whiskey, and sing Carols. One such example (courtesy of heres2u):

Oh the weather outside is frightful

But this movie looks so delightful

I think I just have to go

Fuck the snow, fuck the snow, fuck the snow

But of course, the point of Godtokkah, like all holidays this time of year, is to have time where you don't have to worry about stupid little shit and just be with the people you care about. And who wouldn't like some of that?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Say Hello To (Insert Name Here)!

Yup, say hello to...someone. Christmas hasn't come yet, so he/she/it is hiding out in the laundry room. Not really sure what sex it is. And I took Sarah's advice and sprung for a bigger bowl, and some nice plastic plants. Also? You can't wrap a fish. At least, not a live one anyways.

Monday, December 22, 2008

20 Best Albums of 2008

20. Pink – Funhouse

Okay, so granted, it wasn’t perfect (read: Glitter In The Air was a piece of shit), but when it was good, it was REALLY good. It was a mainstream break up album, but at the same time, it felt a little more awareness and self-effacing than most of its kind.

19. Estelle – Shine

Sadly, in the wave of Brit Neo-Soul, there’s really only been one black female artist. And wouldn’t you know it, she’s also the best. And Duffy, take note: It takes a shit load of talent to sample George Michael and make it work.

18. Sam Sparro – Sam Sparro

Never heard of him? Well, that might be because Sam Sparro put out some of the (literally) gayest music of the year. Imagine The Scissor Sisters times ten. But if songs like the irresistible Black & Gold prove anything, it’s that we know how to make some bitchin’ dance tracks. And it also doesn’t hurt that he’s five kinds of sexy.

(Quick lil' aside, but I just found out that Katy Perry did a cover of Black & Gold. So to Ms. Perry, I say: I will not rest until I personally see to it that you die in a fiery car wreck. Consider this your first and only warning, whore.)

17. Sia – Some People Have Real Problems

It may be missing some of the subtlety and emotional depth of her previous work, but most of Sia’s best work can be found on this album. The lyrics may have taken a back seat, but Sia’s voice itself is fucking brilliant, and more than makes up for some of the more cringe-inducing lyrics.

16. R.E.M. – Accelerate

You would pretty much be justified in calling this a comeback album, especially after 2004’s Around The Sun, which admittedly, sucked the bag big time. Hey, Guns N’ Roses: suck on that, ya Best Buy peddlin’ a-holes!

15. Jenny Lewis – Acid Tongue

Oh, how I loves me the Jenny Lewis...The Rilo Kiley frontwoman’s second solo album continues with Jenny’s signature high-brow country. Oh, and did I mention that there’s a duet with Elvis Costello on the album?
Yup, savour that one for a little while.

14. She & Him – Volume One

Zooey Deschanel’s film career might be going down the shitter, but at least she’ll have her music career to fall back on. A throw back mix of originals and covers, it might be in Deschanel’s best interest to either pick some better movies, or put M. Ward on speed dial.

13. Lil Wayne – Tha Carter III

Oh, what a fucking confusing album this was. In between lyrics about Orville Redenbacher popcorn, martians and periods lies one of the most unique and bizarre acts of clusterfuckery you’ll ever listen to. Also, there’s a decent chance you will never again be able to eat a lollipop.

12. Ra Ra Riot – The Rhumb Line

These guys are probably amongst the new artists of 2008 you’ve never heard of, probably because the reccomendatiosn were drowned out amid the buzz for Vampire Weekend and Black Kids. Actually, they sound a bit like Vampire Weekend, only, you know, better. Also, Dying Is Fine makes me squee on the inside.

11. Lykke Li – Youth Novels

A friend of mine sent me so songs from Lykke Li sometime in the spring, and I thought they were pretty amazing, but not sure how the full album would work out. Well, if I could create a time machine, I would go back in time and kick my own ass for thinking such thoughts. Who else could make a lyric like “For you I keep my legs apart” sound so sweet and innocent?

10. Amanda Palmer – Who Killed Amanda Palmer

The Dresden Dolls singer’s first solo album, produced by Ben Folds, proved just how much ass a girl with armpit hair and no eye brows can kick (answer: a lot). With songs about a woman whose husband dies, only to receive his Torso, and another about school shootings named after an obnoxiously popular video game, very few people would consider putting Amanda Palmer down for a dirt nap.

9. Atmosphere – When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Fun Fact: I bought the Deluxe edition because it came with a book written by Slug. And yes, it was totally worth the five extra bucks. Where Lil Wayne’s work was eclectic, Atmosphere’s lyrics are far more subdued. The album features what are easily the most well written, profound and insightful lyrics you can hope to find this year.

8. Robyn – Robyn

Robyn is the perfect pop album. You cannot and will not find another collection of bubblegum pop that could so much as hope to come close to what Robyn is. I bought it in May, and listened to it for well over three months on an almost endless loop.

7. Nine Inch Nails – The Slip

If Radiohead has taught us anything, it’s that the best music usually costs nothing. Originally a digital release that I snagged for free (Weee! Thanks!), it’s pissed off, angry, and yet so very club-friendly. Oh, and with thanks to Agent Bedhead...

Also, Trent Reznor has GUNS. Seriously, me wantee.

6. Erykah Badu – New Amerykah: Part One (4th World War)

I told a friend about this album, and all he could say is “She’s still around? I thought she retired.” Well, my apologies to him (you know who you are, and there’s a good chance you’re reading this. Hi!), but if the sweet, syrupy, funk-infused album is any indication, Badu won’t be stpping for a while, nor should she. It’s an album infinitely sexy, while still poignant and political.

5. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago

This may just be the fact that I’m currently wang deep in snow, but Bon Iver’s debut, recorded over the course of three months of winter in a cabin, perfectly captures the feeling of winter: a little morose and icy, but with enough moments of warmth and hope to keep you going.

4. Portishead – Third

Okay, so I wasn’t really old enough to fully appreciate Portishead. As in, I spent a portion of the 90’s as a toddler, wearing a diaper and Hooked on Phonics. But still, after playing some catch up with Dummy and Portishead, listening to Hunter made me go all squee on the inside. The stuttering Machine Gun alone made me wish that I had been born a decade earlier. But not really.

3. Sam Roberts – Love At The End Of The World

Funny what a crumbling environment and a new daughter can do to someone. Sam Roberts’ third outing combines the anthemic arena rock he’s famous for with the most insightful lyrics of his career. It’s a spoonful of guitar riffs to help the medicine to go down. Quick aside, but now that he has a kid, does that officially make him a DILF? I think so.

2. TV On The Radio – Dear Science

What the fuck kind of music is TV On The Radio? Beats the fuck out of me, but good luck trying to figure out Dear Science. I know everyone is making a big fuss over how it’s a celebration over the end of the Bush administration, but the best track, Family Tree, a piano-and-string driven dirge about an interracial couple backed by lyrics about the days of lynching and segregation, may very well be the best song of the year.

1. Santogold – Santogold

M.I.A. comparisons be damned, Santogold is the tits. An underappreciated mix of ska, electronica and reggae, the album is stylish and so sexy, there’s a decent chance you’ll either get a boner or moist panties (my apologies to the Pajibettes). If you don’t buy this album by the time I get back from vacation, I will personally come to your house and smother you with a goddamn pillow.

You have been warned.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Oh Joy, Another Year. Hoo-Cock-Sucking-Cunt-Fucking-Ray.

Well, looks like we've only got a little over a week before this disappointment of a year wraps up. But thankfully, I won't be in this cold, barren, God-forsaken country for New Years. I'll be down in The Dominican Republic in a time-share villa for a week with an open sushi and alcohol bar. Which sounds cool, until you realise that I'm down there wit my family. Anyways, since I'm not sure if I'll have wifi down there, I figured I might as well share with y'all my New Year's Resolutions.

- New Motto: You're not the only one who's ever been hurt.

- Stop trying to please and bend over backwards for people who obviously couldn't give two shits about me.

- Learn how to bartend. Seriously, that shit looks like fun.

- Listen to Dustin when he says not to go see a crappy movie, even if it is Christmas. Lesson learned, Rowles, lesson learned.

- Try my hand at my dream job.

- Move out of my parent's house(s). Which is going to be easy since I'm a full time college student.

- Try not to drink a bottle of Drain-O.

- Find a boyfriend. Everyone I know seems to have found one at pretty much the exact same time, so now I'm the odd one out. Oh well, they all seem pretty happy about it, so I might as well give it a try.

- If I'm angry at someone, be it because they break something expensive, refuse to listen to me, or blow me off for some bullshit excuse, tell them that they are, in fact, full of shit.

- If someone does something that really makes them happy, encouage them.

- Make (as Liz Phair put it) shitloads of money.

- Learn how to play the Cello. Not sure why, but I've always had a fondness for Cellos.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Sparkly Vampire Puppets

There; For those of you who haven't seen Twilight yet, I just saved you $10, two hours, and your will to live.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A Youtube Stocking Stuffer

Who has two thumbs, no exams left and only fell on his ass twice today? Me, that's who! Yup, today was my Calculus final, and I don't think I failed! Go me! Yes, I consider the fact that I can rake in something over a 60% a huge friggin' achievement. What can I say? I have low standards for myself. It keeps me from expecting good things to happen.

That's in no way sad.

To celebrate, I'm putting on my lazy pants and kicking up my feet. There's a week left until Christmas, I've finished my shopping, and in a couple weeks, it'll be 2009. Funny, I figured 2008 would be different. But looking back, nope, still stuck in my own life. It's a bittersweet moment really. I'm hopeful that maybe next year will be different, but at the same time, I've been saying that for what, three years? I'm starting to feel like I'm living in a groundhog year, and I'm just gonna keep reliving it over and over again until, what? Where's the the exit sign to follow?

Sorry, that just kinda came out all at once. Not really sure where that came from. But maybe it's better to be hopeful. Better to believe for once that maybe things will change. Alright, stopping with the talking now. Who's ready for some videos?

Okay, I probably could have put Sara Bareilles on my list of guilty pleasures, but to be honest with you, I don't feel guilty about listening to her. And if this video doesn't make you squee a little on the inside, you have no soul.

I don't know how I found this. I started watching Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends during a sick day, figuring it was a stupid kid's show, and holy jeebus was I ever wrong. Either this shit is hysterically funny, or I have the maturity of a five year old. Or both.

Reason #649,025 that I will miss Pushing Daisies once it is unceremoniously taken off the air: Kristin Chenoweth's singing. Remember kids, every time Kristin Chenoweth sings, an angel gets its wings!

Womanizer has finally crossed the threshold from catchy to annoying (this is called the "Umbrella Parallel"), but this cover by Lily Allen makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. H/T to Stacey!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Video Games Turned Me Into A Raving Psycho

The fact that someone actually took the time to do research and said in perfect honesty that there is no direct causality between video games and turning into a murderous asshat makes me happy to no end.

I'm sorry, but I've been playing video games since I was five (Super Mario World...You never forget your first), and since then I've played just about everything that's worth playing. Thus far, I've only ever had one detention, and that was over being late to class. (Actually, they were called JUGs. Judgment Under God. If you ever wondered where God was during Hurrican Katrina, he was in Montreal bringing the fire and brimstone down on a thirteen year old boy who forgot to do his homework.) I have never gone after someone with a wrench, started a fight, or tried to murder someone. But of course, you never hear about people like me, because we're not newsworthy. If anything, you hear about stupid little shit children who run away from home, kill their parents, or decide to shoot up an entire fucking school over video games. So let's go over some of the major problems with the War On Video Games...

1. There Is No Causality Between Violence and Video Games

That's not to say there isn't a correlational effect. Causality implies that, in this situation, Violent behaviour proceeds and is direct influenced and caused by playing Video Games. To date, there is no scientific evidence to support this, unless you count crazy old wasp-y woman screaming on Fox News as Scientific Evidence. In fact, some studies have shown that the opposite is true and that it helps some kids handle emotions and stress (yes, occasionally I fact check. Why? Because I'm just that cool).

2. Prohibition Of Any Product Creates An Underground Market And Exacerbates Abuse

Which is just a fancy way of saying "It's not a problem until you make it a problem". Do you know what Prohibition and Abstinence-Only Education have in common? Other than tyring to destroy my two favourite things in the entire world? They were both ineffective and ultimately increased the behaviour they were trying to extinguish (Alcohol abuse for the former, and unsafe sex for the latter). Basically, if attitudes towards video games continue to err towards the negative, who's to say that it won't have the same effect?

3. Who Says What Is And Isn't Acceptable?

Creating an ethical guideline is like trying to define pornography: You can't really do it, but you know it when you see it. Unfortunately, this is a subjective matter, and when it comes to the prioritization of these, people tend to (for lack of a better term) completely shit the bed on this one (For a better example of this, feel free to check out This Film Is Not Yet Rated). For example, is sex really objectively worse than violence? I always figured that anybody who actually believed that the ending of life (something punishable by law and which very few of us actually do) is better to witness than the act which can create it (which is legal, common and VERY fun) is completely off their shit. But beyond that, who gives a flying shit? It's not real, get over it.

4. It's A Series of Tubes: The Stupid Old People Paradox

Alright, so let's say your laptop is going all sketchy, and you want to get it fixed. Who do you go to: The computer technician, or your well-meaning but confused grandma who tried to douse your iPod with Holy Water? Assuming you still have to brain cells to rub together, you're going with the former. So why are we letting people who have never played a video game and no nothing about them make major decisions regarding them? If we're going to create a coherent and sensical guidelines, can't we at least create a board that actually knows what the fuck they're talking about?

5. Kids Are Stupid, And If You're Crazy Enough To Shoot Up A School, You Don't Need A Video Game To Tell You So

Once you get down to it, you can impose just about every sanction on Video Games short of shipping them back from whence they came, but people will still be stupid, mean and kill each other. In fact, we already have the ERSB, which, if I may say, does a pretty good job of judging the suitability of most games, but that only does so much.

So basically, the problem with the whole War On Video Games is that it's not dealing with the problem. If anything, it's pacifying us while the real problem grows, and THAT's dangerous.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Wherein A Shark Shouts EXTREME!!!

Well, y'all remember that doll I sewed a couple weeks ago for Turk Mason/Melrose? Well, it won me the fan art contest! Go me! So of course, this means free naked people for a month. There are no words to express how awesome this is, although this picture comes pretty close.

Thanks Turk!

Alright, so in other news, I finished all my Christmas Shopping. Which means I've finally figured out what the fuck to get Pierre. I'm so proud of myself for not being such a fucking idiot. I also got something for his pets too, because they are ADORABLE!

Also, feel free to check this shit out. Apparently, Dustin is able to see into the future, and is using it to see the future box office performances of next year's movies. Ummm, Dustin sweetie? Can you look into the future and get me some lotto numbers for the 6/49? Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. And jeans. And a nice, sensibly priced, rent-controlled apartment. With Tivo!

I know, this is kind of a lazy post, but after wading through 20 douchebags, I'm winded. So now it's your turn! Feel free to leave your nominees for the Dishonourable Mentions list. Just pick your top 5 Douchebags and drop them off in the comments. The list will be posted on Sunday, so you've got a little under a week to get them in. Have fun!

Monday, December 15, 2008

The 20 Biggest Douchebags of 2008, Part 2: 10-1

Today, Stacey linked to Part 1, saying: "Damn Jerms, save something for Part II, will ya? Using all the best douchebags in the first half of the list? Rookie mistake." Well, Stacey, never doubt people's ability to be truly, truly awful. Don't believe me? Read on...

10. Katy Perry

Remember that girl at parties who gets drunk, smokes the wrong end of a cigarette, makes out with a poster of Orlando Bloom, then collapses in the drive way in a puddle of her own puke? Give her a recording contract and you have Katy Perry, who spent a good year ripping off Zooey Deschanel's look, spouting off random shit to anyone who would listen and trying way to her hard to be sexy. I'm sure we'll be seeing mor of her next year, when she's pissing on Bettie Page's grave.

9. Elizabeth Hasselbeck

With Rosie gone, the title of "Most Completely and Totally Out Of Their Fucking Skull" went to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and boy did she fulfill her duties. The only thing funnier than how completely off her shit she'll go over anyone disagreeing with her is the fact that her only notable achievement before the show was being kicked off of Survivor.

8. The Hogans

As much as I complain about my family, I thank Godtopus every freaking day that at least I'm not a Hogan. Following son Nick's DUI which landed a friend in hospital, where he's currently brain dead and MISSING HALF OF HIS GODDAMN HEAD. The not completely horrible thing to do would be to do all you can to help the victim's family, but nope. Daddy Hogan said God wanted him in a coma "to make him a better person", Momma Hogan started dating a guy one third her age, and Nick and Brooke went around showing how falsely self-entitled they were. Funny how the entire family combined still has less brain cells than a guy missing half his skull.

7. Sarah Palin & Joe Biden
I was actually pretty optimistic about the elections before these two showed up. Both the Democrats and the Republicans chose what are arguably their best candidates, so I figured after the clusterfuck that was the primaries, we might actually get some civilized campaigning. And then these two showed up, and it all went to hell. Really? You both could have chosen anyone, and you chose the shopaholic, helicopter-hunting Barbie and the guy who couldn't string together a single sentence without shoving his foot so far down his throat he pooped a shoe? You betcha!

6. Prop 8 Supporters

Yeah, in all honesty, 2008 was really not a good year for us. It looked vaguely promising at first with The Supreme Court giving us the okay to marry in California. But of course, people are Douchebags. Enter Prop 8, the first of its kind to actually TAKE AWAY given rights. But it gets worse: in order for it to pass, supporters used every bullshit scare tactic in the book to convince people we were going to rape their children and marry their dogs. And of course, it gets even worse: People bought it. Yup, just goes to show, people really, truly are pretty horrible.

5. Fred Phelps
As head of the First Family of Crazycakes, Fred Phelps and his clan of wacky relatives tried to picket everything from the crazy asshat who beheaded a guy on a bus, to Heath Ledger's funeral. Honestly, they actually ASKED for an invitation, saying that Heath wanted them there. But all in all, you have to give them credit where credit is due. They stripped homophobia of its PC coating and showed it for what it really was: Hate, plain and simple.

4. Sally Kern
I could go on about how this bitch is obviously nutters, how she twice carried a loaded gun into the Oklahoma State Capital Building, and how back-asswards she is about society, but to use fancy lawyer speak, res ipsa loquiter, motherfucker:

"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it's the death knell of this country. I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam — which I think is a big threat, okay? Cause what's happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds...And this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation."
-Sally Kern, Member of Oklahoma House of Representatives, Crazy-ass Cuntnugget

And just to rub it in, here's everyones other favourite lesbian (Cheers, Rachel Maddow!) literally calling her out on it.

3. Eliot Spitzer
Let's get one thing straight: Prostitutes are people too, they're providing a service just like everyone else, and if what they do makes people happy, then it's a legitimate job. However, people who publicly condemn prostitutes, then spend $80,000 worth of tax-payers money are gigantic fucking tools.

2. John Edwards
He probably could have made the list based on expensive, Ken Doll hair cuts and
having the same name as The Biggest Douche In The Universe. But he makes it all the way to number two for this sparkling jem of fucktardedness: He cheated on his wife, who has breast cancer, while he was campaigning to be the president of the United States of America. His excuse: SHE WAS IN REMISSION. Really? Nice job, asshat. Now, are you all ready to see who douched their way to Number 1?

1. Rod Blagojevich
That's right! In the space of a week, Rod Blagojevich has been douched it up harder than any of the assholes above him! He plotted to sell Barack Obama's senate seat! He tried to have the editors of the Chicago Tribune fired! He even tried to extort money from a CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is The Triple Fucking Lindy Of Douchebaggery!

Yes, for showing us how truly, God-awfully, Soul-Rottingly terrible people can be, Rod Blagojevich, you are THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG OF 2008!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The 20 Biggest Douchebags of 2008, Part 1: 20-11

20. ABC

It takes a lot to wrestle the crown of douchebaggery away from Fox, but congrats to ABC on pulling it off! In one year, you've cancelled Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money, kept Private Practice and According To Jim on the air, and fired a cast member on Grey's Anatomy for playing gay. Way to ruin television, jackoffs.

19. Purity Ring Wearers

First off, scientific studies have already shown that abstinence-only programs only increase rates of unsafe-sex, and have very little realistic or healthy impact on attitudes toward sex (Google it if you doubt it). Second, there are few people more self-important and up their own ass than people who wear these. Case in point:

But she's right: it isn't wrong to wear a promise ring. It IS, however, bad to be a pretentious, self-righteous cunt about it. Considering her attitude, I wouldn't be surprised if she remains a virgin until death.

18. Katherine Heigl

Here's to you, Skank Cancer, on another year of rainbow killing, puppy eating, chain smoking and hand biting, ya friggin' dickhead!

17. Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

You gotta hand it to them: never has there been such a strong argument against Darwinism than these two. How neither of them haven't died in a horrific, stupidity-related accident is a mystery on par with The Bermuda Triangle, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.

16. Stephanie Meyers

I'll level with you here: I never read through a single one of these books. I got through twenty pages of Twilight, only to close it back up, throw it in the fireplace, and curl up in the fetal position. I can honestly say that I've never read through such a disastrously written book. And I've read The Da Vinci Code, for eff's sake!

15. Miley Cyrus

Remember that bitchy girl from high school who had her daddy buy her everyting she wanted and fucked anything with two legs and a schlong? Imagine her as a celebrity, and you got Miley Cyrus. So here's to you, Miley, and all your backwoods, nude photo taking, Selina Gomez and Demi Lovato bashing fabulousness!

14. Prioleau Alexander

A while back, Sarah did a review of his book, You Want Fries With That? for Pajiba. Now, the site advertises itself as "Scathing Reviews For Bitchy People", so you have to figure what you're getting into here. So of course, it wasn't exactly glowing. Now, he could have taken the whole thing in stride, been a good sport about it, and taken the review for what it was: subjective opinion meant to express a well-thought out view point. But no, he threw a hissy fit, and Sarah got over 35 calls, in which she was threatened, and told strangled, run over in a humvee, and sodomized with a shotgun. Maybe if you learned to laugh at yourself, you would be able to write better humour.

13. The Ladies of Jezebel, Tracie Egan & Moe Tkacik (And Lizz Winstead)

There's a fine line between being subversive and just being an idiot. Case in point: The Jezebel girls' appearance on Lizz Winstead's Thinkin' and Drinkin', where they extolled these Feminist jems:

Tracie: "...I know it's an irresponsible thing to day, but it's (Pulling Out) The Most Fun Way Not To Get Pregnant"

Or how about this one:

Moe: "I guess third guy, I ever had sex with, date raped me, and I got very mad at him, but I wasn't gonna fucking like turn him in to the police and fucking go through shit..

Lizz interrupts: "Why not, you see that's the problem, why not, I am just curious?"

Moe: Because it was a load of trouble and I had better things to do, like drinking more."

Sex is a part of being a woman, but the way they discuss it makes me think that these girls may be little more than Chauvinists in Women's clothing.

[Update (7:56, December 14th): Alright, thanks to Pants for the second story. What Winstead may have been rather baiting and reprehensible, but fact of the matter is, Moe and Tracie are role models for young women. They should have known better than to wander on stage as drunk as they were (I find a slight buzz usually puts me at ease for debate) and talk about such a weighted topic in such a state. Although to be fair, Winstead knew they were in no position to give a lucid, valid argument. With this information, I've decided to add Lizz Winstead in with them at #13, for inciting a petty, juvenile catfight.]

12. Sean Avery

How can someone so hot be such a douche? I never actually watch hockey (unless The Canadians look like they might win The Cup), but even I know that when they actually have to create a rule over some dick move you pulled on the ice, you've fucked up. And just to top that one, he recently approached some reporters and referred to his ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert as "Sloppy Seconds". As you can see, there's a reason why he's a hockey player and not a writer.

11. Tila Tequila

Jeebus, I really do hate Tila Tequila. It's bad enough that she's worming her way through the interwebs, but I also have to sit through the dreck she shovels onto us on MTV (3 brothers, one TV, do the math). Why anyone would give a fake-bisexual woman her own show in a just universe is beyond me, so I can only conclude that this is, in fact, one fucked up universe.

(Tune in tomorrow for Part 2, where the ten biggest douches of '08 will be revealed!)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Boys Who Like Boys Who Like Joysticks

I was thinking about this one all day at work for some reason. The top 10 video game characters you never thought were gay, but probably are.

5. Zelda

Why You Probably Never Noticed: To put it bluntly, Zelda is in what can only be described as the gayest video game series ever. Seriously, the hero is a blond twink in a tunic! And don't get me started on Tingle.

Know How I Know You're Gay?: In order to talk to Link during Ocarina of Time, she disguises herself as Sheik. Sheik is a guy. She could have disguised herself as a woman, but maybe this is her way of matching her outside with who she is on the inside. You go, man!

4. Captain Falcon

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Come on, he's Captain Falcon! He's the manliest man whoever maned into a man video game! MAAAAAAAAN!

Know How I Know You're Gay?: Two words: Bat Nipples. Yup, that swanky racing gear comes with little circles where his areolas should be. Not to mention the ascot. If my Hanky Code reading is correct, he's a piss queen. And it also doesn't help that he's named after a gay porn studio.

3. Tyson Rios and Elliot Salem

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Because you never played Army of Two. Not that I blame you, that game kinda sucked it hard. Even then, they're just two guys wearing way too much armour and giving each other fist bumps after slaughtering massive amounts of people. Nothing gay about that, right?

Know How I Know You're Gay?: It is. It's REALLY gay. Have you ever seen those Frat boys who are so obviously gay for each other, but they act all macho to hide it? Seriously, they act like a married couple, assuming you gave a married couple guns. Hell, they even parachute in tandum, which really just looks like midair buttsex.

2. Luigi

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Because it's always Mario, Mario, Mario, never Luigi. Seriously, poor guy is like the Jan Brady of Video Games. He's had all of two video games, and one of them was an infotainment game.

Know How I Know You're Gay?: In his first truly legitimate game (infotainment is not, nor will it ever be, entertainment), his main weapon is a freaking vaccuum cleaner. And in Smash Bros, he has a tendency to spontaneously combust, becoming a flaming missile...of FABULOUSNESS! Although I may just be stretching. I want Luigi on our team, dammit!

1. Banjo

Why You Probably Never Noticed: Well for starters, he's a cartoon bear. And it doesn't really help that, thanks to Rare's split with Nintendo, they haven't been in a game in eight years.

Know How I Know You're Gay?: Believe me when I say, the evidence is SUBSTANTIAL. He's a bear, the only thing he wears is a pair of bright yellow short-shorts and a tasteful necklace, and his best friend is a sassy, brightly-coloured bird-girl. And come on, he's a BEAR. If he were real (and, you know, human), he's probably have signed a contract with Raging Stallion by now.

Fucking Salad Wannabe

A couple of quick things tonight. The first is that with Christmas two weeks away, (and me in several hundred dollars worth of debt buying Presents), I've decided to make a Christmas Mix Tape for the blog. If you don't like it, calm down, I'm taking it down after Christmas.

Number 2, I landed the Number 2 spot in Eloquent Eloquence over at Pajiba. Apparently, if I want to win a spiffy free t-shirt, I'm either gonna have to start making more references to 8-bit games, or give Prisco a hummer. Oh well. We're #2! We're #2!

Third, today was my last day of school for this semester. Yay me! I mean, yeah, I have a cal quiz in a week that I'll probably fail, but for now, this calls for Tequila Body Shots!

Finally, from the good people at Cracked, comes this. It made me squee in my pants.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Wherein Rolling Stone Completely Loses Their Shit

Well, it's December, which means it's time for every publication in existence to release a "Best Of" list. Rolling Stone released their list of The Top 50 Albums of '08, and all I can say is...Realy? An entire goddamn year, and this is what you could come up with? Pathetic. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at some glaring instances of stupidity.

2. Tell Tale Signs - Bob Dylan

Before you all come knocking on my door with your torches blazing and your pitchforks aimed at my junk, you might want to consider that this was a collection of Bootlegs. I think Bob Dylan is amazingly talented, but putting Dylan up here would be like putting Liz Phair on for a re-release of Exile In Guyville. I'm not saying it's a bad album, I'm just saying it doesn't belong on a list for 2008.

10. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

Okay, I'm only saying this one last time, and that's it. Would you all PLEASE shut the fuck up about Vampire Weekend already? Congrats, you listen to Vampire Weekend. Wanna talk about how overrated Juno was?

12. Guns N' Roses - Chinese Democracy

This is a classic case of the Rockroaches: Careers that just don't know when to die. The album been delayed for over a decade, and this is what we get? An overly Auto-tuned bit of pop-rock sold exclusively at Best Buy? We deserve better, assholes.

30. Duffy - Rockferry

My apologies to those who like Duffy (I've read some interviews, and she seems like a pretty sweet girl), but I can't be the only one who feels like she's just another european pop-darling cashing in on the Amy Winehouse craze before the crazy beehived bitch ODs, am I? She's charming, but I'm just saying...

39. Taylor Swift - Fearless

I have to admit a fondness for Taylor Swift, considering that she had to date the Gay Jonas Brother, but really? 39th best album of the year? I can line up all the albums I bought this year, and have my Dog sniff them out, and chances are, the one she chooses will probably be ten times better than this one. Wonder how they can fuck this one up any worse?

40. The Jonas Brothers - A Little Bit Longer

...ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? You have an entire year's worth of music, and you choose the emo version of Hanson? Fuck it. You've sold your goddamn soul, Rolling Stone. Enjoy taking it up the ass from Mickey Mouse.

Seriously, in a year which saw releases from Portishead, She & Him, Atmosphere, Sam Roberts, Jenny Lewis, Sam Sparro, Amanda Palmer, Robyn, Sia and Estelle, am I really expected to swallow this?

We can do better than this.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Well Respected Man

Another Meme post I stole from Ms. Lainey!

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

Cheap Talk (Nicely put, Classified)

Didn't I Tell You (I think my iPod just gave me sass)

Jesus, Etc. (...yeah)

Stronger Than Me (Today's been a good day, I guess)

Too Many Questions (What can I say? I'm MYSTEEEERIOUS)

Say Aha (Not much of a motto, huh?)

Rockin' The Suburbs (FUCK YEAH, BITCH!)

Dead Disco (Aww, my first favourite song ever!)

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Still Fighting It (Incredible. even my iPod thinks I'm an idiot)

Demon Seed (Oh come on, that's a little harsh, isn't it?)

Evaporated (Yup. My love life is non-existant)

You Go To My Head (Waaaay too easy)

Higher Learning (Not even close)

What Would Wolves Do? (I shit you not, that's what popped up)

What Am I To You? (Now that's just mean. My iPod is a douchebag)

Electric Bird (Meh, why not. It's a good song)

Poor Places (At least it's Wilco)

The Piano (Well, it's off by a few years, but oddly accurate, huh?)

Ocean (...Beats me)

In Her Music Box (Yeah, not sure about this one either)

Yeah [Pretentious Mix] (Pretentious People? Yeah, that sounds about right)

Like A Drug (Aw, fuck me)

Pull Shapes (What can I say, I'm a terrible dancer!)

Just Like You Imagined (I think there was a switch up on my iPod...)

Polyester Bride (Yup, that makes total sense)

You Really Got A Hold On Me (Apparently so. Thank you Zooey Deschanel!)

Our Hell (Wow, well done iPod)

Hopeless (Aw, fuck me gently with a chainsaw)

All The Old Showstoppers (Too true, too true)

On Repeat (Interpret that as you will)

A Well Respected Man (Wait, I thought I was Hopeless...MAKE UP YOUR MIND, IPOD!!!)

Your Long Journey (Yay! I get to live a long life! Weee!)

Cry Me A River (Fuck me SIDEWAYS with a chainsaw. And for the record, it's the Cliks cover, not the Justing Timberlake one. So suck it)

Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowrie (...What the fuck?)

So What (I'll take that as a yes)

Can't Break (Precisely. Thank you, Atmosphere!)

Our Faces Split The Coast In Half (I think that means "Do something great". Why not?)

Failsafe (Oh crap, does that mean yes? SHIT!)

Ask Myself (How do you expect me to give myself advice?)

Black Mirror (Yup, that's some legacy)

"En Gallop" (Uh-huh, no)

So Sorry (What can I say? It's by Feist. Damn this thing is good)

Entering White Cecilia (Who the crap is Cecilia?)

Bouncing Off Clouds (Hmmm...Your guess is as good as mine)

i'm Still Your Fag (Fuck you, iPod!)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Baking Redux: With Apologies To Sarah

Today I spent seven fucking hours baking gingerbread cookies. And you know what? I loved it. I'm not sure if Gingerbread Cookies are one of those desserts you believe in Sarah, but I hope they are. A lot of people get all weirded out when I bite the heads off of them, but come on, is it any better than slowly snapping off each limb one by one? At least this way you put them out of their misery faster.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Hey! It's Another Christmas Song!

Marra said it best when she wrote: "I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to die when she hears Christmas music about the sweet baby Jesus and bells ringing and some reclusive, obese felon breaking into my house before Thanksgiving Day." She's write. Christmas Music is essentially the siamese twin of Christian Rock: you don't need talent or thought or creativity to be successful at it, since it's just shameless pandering to a group that will buy into just about anything as long as you share similar views. But fear not, for Saviour comes in the form of Stephen Colbert.

The album starts off promisingly with Colbert singing about cashing in on Christmas through music. He's a pretty convincing crooner, and the song could have very well been lifted right out of the sixties, if the lyrics didn't give it away. He chews the scenery in his duet with Jon Stewart, but it's ultimately the latter who steals the show with his flawed but wonderfully charming and earnest singing. And it doesn't hurt that his line about candles made me pee myself a little bit. If this doesn't replace Adam Sandler's auditory clusterfuck as the unofficial anthem of Hannukah, I will personally kick him in the matza balls.

I know most of you cringe at the idea of Toby Keith, but he's surprisingly self-aware on "Have I Got A Present For You", a send up of both PC-obsessed lefties and the Christmas-crazy Right. Sadly, Willie Nelson is the most forgettable of them all, as he settles for a pleasant, but too-easy song about toking with the three wise men. I'm sorry, but really? Haven't we gotten the "Willie does Weed" jokes out of our system?

As you would probably guess, Feist delivers the albums highlight, as an angel singing about how she'll answer your least, once an authorized prayer technician is available. I would have offered the title to John Legend, who offers us an R&B ballad about his sweet, sweet Nutmeg, but Stephen's interjections feel out of place and just a bit grating.

As a certain someone once said, it's not Christmas until you hear Elvis. I'm sure he meant Presley, but since Elvis is freakin' worm food (oh don't give me that crap. Even if he did fake his own death, which he didn't, it's been thirty goddamn years, you can't honestly tell me he's still kicking), Elvis Costello fills the void nicely. His voice is a nice complement to Stephen's, raspy and hard where Stephen's smooth. And the show-stopping collaboration with him and the rest of the cast provides the one and only genuinely emotional track of the album.

So is it a Christmas album? You're goddamn right it is. But honestly, have you seen the scheduled line-up of album releases? Believe me, this will easily be the best album to come out for a long, LONG while.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

On The 25th, I'm Gonna Cover You With My Nutmeg

Okay, quick couple of things here: I just got back from work, so yes, I'm tired, and I smell like meat. It's uncomfortable to say the least. But before that, I went over to my mother's house to help her shop on itunes. She's still pretty young, but beyond email, she's technologically impaired. Anyways, we ended up spending a $50 itunes card on (wait for it) Christmas music. I know, I'm ashamed too, but it was her idea, and I managed to convince her to buy A Colbert Christmas, so it wasn't a total waste. Just partially.

Anyways, I'm stealing today's post from Figgy. It's basically a twenty line poem where you shuffle through your songs and use the first line of each song. Thank you Figs, my love, for this wonderful goddamn idea.

Your Back's Against The Wall
By I Heard A Distant Early Warning

You got them all by the balls
Last night I couldn't even get an answer
Carbon Monoxide, soon I'll go to sleep
How you been feeling

You can see me from this view
Let's go back in time
Dejalo, nuestra cosa
Paint my face in your magazines.

Good girls are pretty
He left no time to regret
Here's the day you hoped would never come
I know you

I'm too foggy today
Don't tell me they all hate me now too
Get so caught up everyday
There's a harvest

Help, I have done it again
Johnny my love
Growin' Up, Brewin' Up
I've been a girl with her skirt pulled high

Well, that's that. Credits below!

The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control
Hedley - 321
Peaches - Boys Wanna Be Her
Keyshia Cole - Last Night
Regina Spektor - Carbon Monoxide
Sia - The Bully
Nicole Atkins - Neptune City
Alicia Keys - Wreckless Love
Rilo Kiley - Dejalo
Powerless (Say What You Want) - Nelly Furtado
Robyn - Who's That Girl
Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars
The All-American Rejects - Night Drive
Norah Jones - Be My Somebody
Pony Up! - The Best Offence
Alicia Keys - Tell You Something
Sarah Bareilles - City
Sia - Breathe Me
Liz Phair - Dance Of The Seven Veils
M.I.A. - Fire, Fire
Pink - God Is A DJ

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Memory Of Our Sacred So And So

Alright, so I started working on getting gifts for everyone in my family and friends. Which is more than a little difficult since last year I got both sets of parents a cappuccino maker, and I got my brothers an Xbox 360, which I saved for MONTHS to afford. This year, however, since I spent all my goddamn money on "my" car, let's just say that everyone will be getting something...smaller.

I started off by going to Chapters to get some books for my mother and her boy-toy. Matt's trying to get me to be more assertive, so I decided to test it out by asking one of the clerks what she might recommend.

It took everything I had not to rip the book out of her hands and beat her with it. If one more person tells me to read Twilight, I swear to Godtopus I'll eat my own ass. And not in the fun way either, I mean I will literally digest pieces of my own ass.

Anyways, I asked her if she had anything that didn't completely suck. We went on one of those little computer kiosks they have littered all over the place and five minutes later, I've got a copy of Diablo Cody's Candy Girl. Now my mother isn't one of those serious readers, although I did lend her The Time Traveller's Wife, and she loved that, so she's not completely beyond help. So i figured, she loved Juno, therefore, she wuld like this, and it would help her out when I, ummm...well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there, really.

I also picked up Men With Balls (Thanks, Dustin!) for Mom's boy-toy. It's about football, although I'm not entirely sure how well he'll take getting a book called "Men With Balls" from his girlfriend's gay son. Mind you, he's very open minded, but he also thought my skull tattoo was a penis, so there's no telling how he'll interpret this one.

I also decided to get my brothers a new fish for Christmas, since Mr. Fish is no longer with us. If you'd like to suggest a name for the fish, fell free to leave it in the comments. Dad isn't exactly the smartest being on two legs, so I figured I would get him Wanted, since it has enough violence and boobage to appease him, and if Dustin's review is any indication, it won't make me wish for forks to become animate and jump into my eyes.

I also decided to get something for Pierre and Matt. I've already figured out what to get for Matt (but i'm not saying anything, because he might be reading this for all I know), but what the fuck am I supposed to get Pierre? Seriously, he has freaking EVERYTHING, what the crap can I get him that doesn't involve taking out a loan? And no, I am not getting him a sex toy. It's too obvious, and I imagine it would be akin to getting someone a toaster as a housewarming gift: It's nice, but there's no thought to it, and you already have like three of them and you would just end up taking it back to the store except then you find out they have a no return policy and you argue with the manager for thirty minutes until he agrees to give you store credit which is TOTAL CRAP because I don't need anything from this crap shack are you high, I mean come on...whoops, kinda let that one get out of hand, huh?

Point is, I have no idea what to get him. You can leave a suggestion for that in the comments too. But no gift cards. The idea of buying a gift card just seems wrong to the shopaholic in me.

Anyways, to lead you out, hears TV On The Radio with Family Tree. Snootches.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I'm So Sick And Tired Of The Shit On The Radio

Since the Grammy nods are up, and for once, they're surprisingly not totally awful. So in honour of the best (relatively speaking), here's the worst of 2008. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Most Annoying Fucking Songs of 2008. May Godtopus have mercy on your soul.

10. Danity Kane - Damaged

I honestly had no idea who these people were until they started playing this dreck ad nauseum on the radio. "Do you have a first aid kit handy?" If I did, I'd probably be using it to stop the bleeding in my ears. On the plus side, two of them have left the group, to which I say, BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

9. Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care

Okay, I've already gone over this one, and I stand by everything I said. Go read Twilight, you whiny emo twats. Oh, Spaghetti Cat, I really do weep for you.

8. David Archuleta - Crush

Oh look, it's Clay Aiken light! I actually didn't bother watching American Idol, but the guy to whom I gave my v-chip, and who, by the way, NEVER CALLED ME BACK, totally did, and he was rooting for him. So it makes me happy to see that he didn't win. Oh, and to said asshole: you have a tiny penis and I faked it. Bitch.

7. Flo Rida - Low

This is pretty much the Soulja Boi of 2008 (Soulja Boi being the Chamillionaire of 2007). Congratulations on helping inundate the market with generic, overproduced hip-hop.

6. Miley Cyrus - 7 Things

"Hmmm, we have a song sung by Hannah Montana about the gay Jonas Brother...How can we douche this thing up a notch?"
"How about we get Brett Ratner to direct the video?"
I wish I was kidding.

5. Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up

Do you honestly not see the irony in a bunch of lipsyncing femme-bots doing a song about the illusion of fame, which was written by someone else? And weren't there six of them before? And didn't they have a contest to add another one? I'm staring to think the girls have turned to cannibalism.

4. Girlicious - Stupid Shit

I was forced to watch this show, since I share a house with three other boys who, unlike me, go shitty for the titty. All I can say, imagine what would happen if The Pussycat Dolls got worse. And they all ate another one of the members, so that there was only four of them. That's the basic concept, really.

3. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake - Four Minutes

Here's a fun fact: If you listen very closely watching the video, you can actually hear Madonna's vajooter creaking like a rusty gate. That's all I'll say about Madonna, because I'm afraid she will beat me to death with her veiny-ass, roided up arms.

2. The Jonas Brothers - The Love Bug

First of all, you're just Hanson with dye jobs and skinny jeans. Second, Fuck you. Third, Fuck you. Fourth, even Miley Cyrus dumped your little bitch asses, and you have to be a special kind of pathetic to get dumped by Hannah Montana. Fifth, Fuck you.

1. Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl

Just die already. A lot of people think you look like Zooey Deschanel, but here's the difference: She's TALENTED, you're not. Let's look at the evidence. The one on top is Zooey Deschanel with She & Him, the bottom is Katy Perry being a Scuzzy lil' Hoebutt. Observe.

Choke on it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Needle Has Landed

I mentioned it last post, but here it is: The Turk Doll! I'm aware that the head is shaped funny, but in my defense, it looked a lot more human before I decided to stuff some cotton in there. Anyways, if you squint a lil and gouge out your eyes, it kiiiiiinda looks like him. Isn't it cute?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

You Got Me Pushing Imaginary Buttons

Sorry, not much of a post today. I've been busy working on a lil something or another for Turk Mason/Melrose. I won't give it away, but here's a lil hint...

Monday, December 1, 2008

It Is The Night With The Christmas Trees And Pie

Okay, so the good folks at Pajiba have released a Gift Guide, which is obviously awesome. Anyways, since it's December, it's time for me to go completely apeshit insane over Christmas, and you know what that means...Wishlists!


I know, they're everywhere. But I don't care, I want one sooooo badly! Honestly, during my breaks, sometimes I'll go down to the Apple Store and just poke the iPhones for half an hour. Hours of entertainment.

Diamonds! Glorious Diamonds!
I know there's a good chance this is physically impossible, but I want a diamond the size of my fist. And I want my name carved in it with a laser. Just for shits and giggles, really.

Soy Joy

You know, it's weird, I never tried Soy Joy, but I have this strange, sudden urge for it. I never tried the stuff, and the idea of Soy candy makes me gag, but I still have this strange, unexplainable desire to eat small wheelbarrow of that shit, and I have no idea why...

Pushing Daisies Back On The Air

Oh, please please please! The world needs more of the Piemaker and Chuck and Emmerson and Olive and Digby! Oh please oh please oh please!

Tickets To The Premiere of Coraline

Oh my GOD you have no friggin' idea how badly I need to see this movie. The Trailer is beautiful. What can I say, I'm a sucker for stop motion animation.

Whiskey Baby Ninja Star T-Shirt (Small)

I have no idea what the fuck a Whiskey Baby Ninja Star is, but who cares? This shirt is five kinds of kickass, and I want it.

So there's my wishlist. So, as a monday mini-div, what are you guys asking for?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

This Is What I Do. I Drop Truth Bombs.

Alrighty, sorry about the totally sporadic updating as of late. But thankfully, we now have internet at the new house finally works! I mean sure, the fucker had to come on like the last day I was at Mom's house, but hey, never look a gift horse in the mouth. And thank you all for the comments. I read them all, and I always appreciate your thoughts.

Since it's almost December, we put the Chritmas Tree up yesterday. And by "We", I mean "me". Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, I loved it. I love Christmas, and if that means spending three hours decorating a fake tree, so be it. Next up: anatomically correct gingerbread cookies! Any excuse to pipe icing schlongs on to baked goods, really.

And in the spirit of Christmas, I went to see Four Christmases. Yes, I'm fully aware what Dustin said about it, but I love Christmas movies. And Dustin was right, it did suck. I mean, they're all competent actors, but the script was just so fucking boring and trite, it pained me.

It wasn't so much funny as it was kinda terrifying. Not so much "killer with a bloody knife" scary, more of a "This is what your life will look like" kind of scary. I'm really not looking forward to the day where I will have to bring a boyfriend back home, really.

Finally, I find this pretty fucking amazing. Imagine taking all those annoying mainstream songs you hear about fifty-bajillion times mashed together, and you get Dj Earworm. Seriously, even if you hate all of these songs, this will get your musical rocks off.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Dead Rock 'n Roll, Remodel, Everything's Been Done

Continuing with List week, here are the ten best cover songs ever

10. Marylin Manson - This Is Halloween

9. Yael Naim - Toxic

8. She & Him - Swing Low Sweet Chariot

7. The Cliks - Cry Me A River

6. Lauryn Hill - Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

5. Johnny Cash - Hurt

4. Lily Allen - Mr. Blue Sky

3. Elvis Costello - Gloomy Sunday

2. Feist - Inside & Out

1. Cat Power - I Found A Reason

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Suck It, Paul Haggis

Ten "Great" Movies That Really Kinda Sucked

10. The Lord Of The Rings

Yes, I'm aware that the battles were "Epic", but that doesn't excuse the amout of suck thrown into the script, now does it?

9. Shakespeare In Love

If only for Gwenyth Platrow's completely ass-backward win. What the crap?

8. Titanic

True Story: My Dad went to see this movie, fell asleep an hour in, then woke up an hour later. When he realised the boat was still above water, he screamed "SINK ALREADY!".

7. The Last Samurai

Do you honestly expect me to buy Tom Cruise as an ancient Japanese Warrior? Please. At most, I can see him as the last butt-pira...Hmmm, it appears I've been served a subpoena. Son of a nutsack.

6. Passion Of The Christ

I know I'm going to get angry Godwads telling me off for this one, but really: Where the crap is the message in all this? Yes, Jesus suffered, but he did a whole bunch of other stuff too. Does "Love your neighbour" ring any bells? Also, Mel Gibson is a fucking nutjob.

5. Oliver!

Fact: Movies based on musicals always suck.
Also Fact: Movies with unnecessary punctuation are equally terrible.

4. Ordinary People

Oh, the tragic lives of self-entitled WASPs. Cry me a freakin' river.

3. Napoleon Dynamite

Oh, where to begin...Unsympathetic characters, thread-bare plot, emotionless performances, the inundation of this load of crap into popular culture, the fact that Jon Heder apparently can't say "Damn", but calling someone a retard is a-okay...Honestly, I could go on about the movie and all those involved in it ALL DAY LONG.

2. Scarface

This is mostly just a big FUCK YOU to all those on MTV Cribs who had a lifesize portrait of Al Pacino in their house and thought their shit didn't stink. Congratulations, you're idolizing a psychotic coke addict. Dumbass.

1. Crashed

How the Brokeback Mountain lose to this? A hamfisted attempt at analyzing prejudice that reinforced more stereotypes than it actually shattered. And what, there are no gays in LA? Choke on a bag of shit, Paul Haggis, ya fuckin' schmuck.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

100 Posts, Motherfuckers!

It's official! This is my 100th post here at Notes On Bar Napkins! My thanks to everyone who has read this lil piece of something, and a HUGE thank you to my followers, and everyone who followed me since the beginning!

Now, for today's list, The Top Ten Movies To Watch Drunk!

10. Kill Bill

9. Pulp Fiction

8. Thelma And Louise

7. Final Destination

6. Old School

5. Almost Famous

4. Donnie Darko

3. Swingers

2. Fight Club

1. Wall-E

And as a final celebration, here's something to ogle. Cheers, everyone!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dear Diary, My Teenage Angst Bullshit Now Has A Body Count

I've got ten mintues until I have a phys ed. test (yeah, I know, they have tests?), so here's a quick rundown of my ten favourite teen movies ever

10. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

9. Superbad

8. Scream

7. Sixteen Candles

6. Mean Girls

5. Pretty In Pink

4. The Breakfast Club

3. Juno

2. Ferris Bueller's Day off

1. Heathers

Monday, November 24, 2008

It's List Week!

Well, we've finally unpacked the small mountain of boxes which has built up in our house, but surprise! Still no internet. I'm starting to show symptoms of withdrawal here, people, I shit you not. So for the next lil while, I'll be blogging from my college library. Awesome. And since I can't do anything to big in here, I hereby declare this week to be LIST WEEK! WOOOOOO!

So for starters, let's count down the Top Five Guilty Pleasure Artists

5. Britney Spears

Oh come on, she's making a comeback! And I love Womanizer. Love it love it love it.

4. Nelly Furtado

In all fairness, a lot of other people do consider her a legtimately good artist. And I love Maneater, because it makes me dance like an idiot.

3. Rihanna

Rihanna is ear-crack. Every song she's ever made is stuck in my head. Ella, ella...

2. Kylie Minogue

I know, I'm officially a gay stereotype. But I loved X. I listene to it for a full month without getting tired, and it's STILL on my iPod.

1. Pink

There is not a single thing I don't like about Pink. Her new album? Amazing, as are all her other albums. Bite me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Want A Man To Stick It Out, And Make A Home From A Rented House

Well, it's official: We've moved into our new house. Yay for us! It really is a beautiful house...I think. I can't really see it under the small mountain of boxes we've buried it under. Oh well, I'm sure once we have everything sorted out, I'll be able to appreciate all the various shades of beige my mother has decided to paint it.

And what better way to commemorate then by having an impromptu tectonic dance off?* For those of you not entirely sure, tectonic is a form of dancing that looks like the illegitimate crack-baby of the macarena and vogue. I can honestly say I've never seen a douchier form of dance. Literal douche kits aren't as douchey as the tectonic. The worst part about all of this? Both my brother and my cousin are apparently very good at it. Behold, the douchosity.

See what I mean? Well, both my brother and my cousin decided to have some sort of douche-off amid the cardboard orgy that is our future living room. For those wondering who won, there are no winners in a tectonic dance off, only embarassed relatives.

*The answer to this is FUCKING ANYTHING ELSE. Just in case you were wondering

Friday, November 21, 2008

Today's News As Math Problems

See if you can figure them all out. Remembe to show all your work.

1. [(Parent's Divorce)-(Two Christmases)] x (Your Dog Died) - (Lee Pace's Eyebrows) + (Obvious Pun Involving Demise) / (There Is No God)

A. Pushing Daisies Cancelled

2. (The Nightmare Before Christmas) + (Buttons) + [(Teri Hatcher)-(Teri Hatcher's Twiggy Frame)] - (Pretentious Twilight Emos)^(Sheer Brilliance)

A. The Trailer for Neil Gaiman's Coraline, which I've watched 27 times today. Seriously? Cannot even fucking wait.

3. (Guyliner) + (Lipsyncing) x (Ill-advised breeding) - (Pubic Hair) / [(New York City)^(Disney Character)] - (Darwinism)

A. Bronx Mowgli Wentz

4. (British Royalty) + (Full Bladder) - (Port-a-Potty) / (Bad Decision making) + (Peace Sign)^[(Meat) + (2 Veg)]

A. Prince William's Penis

5. [(Conjoined Twins) - (Food)] x (Full House) + 4(Black Eye) / (Your Grandma's Curtains) + ( many Ribs)

A. Mary Kate Olsen and Mischa Barton