Wherein I Shamelessly Steal From Lainey

Thanks for the game Lainey! Yes, I'm totally jacking this from you because I'm terribly lazy like that.

The game is called "I Never", and basically, all you do is list off things you've never done. Let's rock this bitch!

I've Never Been To A High School Dance

Our school used to throw dances all the time, and I never went to ONE of them. I mean, I went to Prom, but in all fairness, I was fairly plastered at the time.

I've Never Had a Boyfriend

Yeah, how depressing is that? I can fuck someone on camera and take off all my clothes in front of an entire room of people, but put me in front of someone I like and my mouth goes all dry and my legs go shakey and I start to stutter and look at my shoes.

I've Never Eaten at Taco Bell

Honestly? Never. I've seen commercials for them I guess, but I've never actually eaten there. I'm not that big on Mexican food to be honest with you.

I've Never Kissed a Girl

I'm sure one day I'd be willing to drink massive amounts of booze and make out with a chick, but right now? Yeah, so far, it's been a no-go.

I've Never Been to a Concert

This really makes no sense considering the insane amount of CDs I have already. But honestly? I've never gone out to see a concert. On the plus side, St. Vincent is playing in Montreal in August, so I'd kinda like her to be my first. That sounded dirty.

I've Never Gotten High

I think I mentioned this in a previous post, but I think the most I've ever done was a hit of weed, and even I'm not big enough of a lightweight to succumb to one hit of the stick stuff.

I've Never Been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah

This one makes me sad. I've always wanted to go to one of these, but I don't think I had a single Jewish friend growing up (though in all fairness, the guy I lost my v-chip to was Jewish, although he was also a dick). Bummer.

I've Never Had a Manhunt Account

The impact of this probably won't hit anyone without a gay bone in their body, but yeah, I've never gotten on and subsequently gotten off, to paraphrase their slogan.

I've Never Used Photoshop

I blame this entirely on the fact that I'm a total retard. So far, I've survived entirely on MS Paint, although I'm not sure if that's impressive or just depressing. It's a toss-up, really. Here's a pretty representative sample of my MS Paint expertise.

You know what? I'm just gonna file this under "Sad".

I've Never Done That Stupid Soulja Boi Dance

You know the one I'm talking about, right? The one where you crank things and Superman hoes? Yeah, never learned how to do that, and to be honest with you, I have no intention of ever learning how to.

Looking Back On The Beginning

With the blog turning a year-old recently, I've been meaning to re-do my first-post again, wherein I list a bunch of totally useless facts about me, and since I have absolutely nothing even remotely interesting to day tonight, I figured I might as well finally get back on it. Anyways, once again, here's a bunch of random, useless shit about me...

1: In high school, my nickname was "Jer Bear", which is kind of ironic considering my body type.

2: Actually, now that I mention it, I am naturally hairy. Like, really hairy. A lot of people look good in fur, but I'm not one of them. Honestly, it looks like someone stapled a welcome mat on my chest. I'm sure one day I'll let it grow, but right now, it just looks weird on me.

3: When I'm having a bad day, I'll sometimes go to the pet store and play with the puppies. It doesn't matter how shitty I feel, puppies make me feel instantly better.


4: I'm 18, and I've STILL never done drugs. I think I once took all of ONE hit of weed, but that was about it. Yeah, I know, I'm totally boring.

5: I fell asleep watching The Matrix, Spider-Man and Lord of the Rings. The last one was in the actual theater.

6: When I was young, I used to play Super Mario World at my cousin's house all the time, which has since bloomed into a prolonged love affair with video games, as well as a deep-seated hatred for Piranha Plants.


7: The first crush I ever had (no, not Andrew, this was before that) resulted in me becoming Anorexic for five months. I still consider it to be the biggest mistake I ever made.

8: My biggest fear is dying alone. I know I'm supposed to believe in the whole "I don't need a man to validate me" thing, but come on...I've never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend! I think I'm due here. Oh, and spiders. I'm also afraid of spiders.

9: I'm not sure why, but back rubs make me sleepy, no matter what I'm doing or where I am.

10: When I was born, my grandmother said I was going to be a writer, which coincidentally, is exactly what I want to be. To be fair, she also said I was going to be quite the ladies man, so Granny is pretty much batting .500 here.

11: I was raised on Shania Twain and The Dixie Chicks, which has since resulted in a certain fondness for crappy country pop. Shut up, I'm allowed to have guilty pleasures.

12: I secretly wish I had a third nipple. I know it sounds weird, but I always thought it would be cool to walk around with extra teats.

13: I'm pretty sure I have OCD, which manifests itself as an obsession with angles and time.

14: I took piano lessons for a while when I was a kid, until I realized that taking lessons to play an instrument sucks all the fun out of it.

15: I share my real last name with a classic silver-screen actor, and almost half the time I introduce myself, they always ask if I'm related to him. I'm not.

16: I went to the same high school as Sam Roberts, and was in the same class as the cousin of one of the members from The Arcade Fire.


17: I secretly have a huge yet totally unfulfilled love of kink. You know...Leather, Whips, Chains, shit like that. I draw the line at leather hats though, because let's face it, leather hats look retarded on anyone.

18: Muscle guys make me go all weak in the knees. I'm sure Freud would say something about how it's just some unresolved daddy issue, but really, pretty biceps are just hot, aren't they?


19: I hate getting excited about anything, as the universe has this funny way of either (A) ensuring it never happens, or (B) killing someone on the day it's supposed to happen. And that's why I never get excited about anything.

20: My absolute BIGGEST pet peeve is being stood up. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. I don't care what you're doing, you could at least have the decency to let me know if your plans change instead of making me hunt you down for some fucking answers, you dick.

21: Second biggest pet peeve: Yes, I get it, I'm a twink. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea here, but stop treating me like a retarded, spoiled teenager. Yeah, you may be bigger than me, but I can still write a 1000-word dissertation on Nietzsche before you could so much as shit out a haiku. Yeah, I'm not huge. If you don't like it, feel free to go suck a fuck.

22: That being said, I occasionally watch Sesame Street. Yeah, I know it's a kids show, but come on...Muppets! It has MUPPETS! Also, how many shows do you know have had Feist, Tina Fey and Ricky Gervais as guest stars? Exactly.

23: I think The Beatles are overrated. Like, REALLY overrated. I know they're supposed to be the greatest band ever and all, but I always thought they were totally boring.

24: As a kid, I believed Bloody Mary actually existed. No, I'm not joking. I couldn't even so much as be in front of a mirror for years.


25: I hate Facebook chat. With a passion. Holy christ, if I wanted to talk to people I haven't seen in six years, I'd go to my grade school reunion.

Well, there it is. You now have a metric fuck-ton of useless shit about me. Spiffy, huh?

V-Day: Choke On It And Die

I probably should have mentioned this, but along with New Years, I also firmly despise Valentine's Day. It also didn't help that today, both my co-workers came in with cards, chocolates and rose petals. Then they asked me what I got for V-Day. Apparently, the desire to walk head-long into on-coming traffic doesn't count as a gift. Who knew?

Well, whatever. I've got a date with a bottle vodka and some old horror movies. Who needs love when you've got enough booze in your system to blind a horse? Anyways, Happy Valentine's Day! I'm going to go all Persona 3 on myself and paint the walls of my house with a festive patina of grey matter. Cheers!

Scruff

Sorry, not much of a post tonight. I've been busy working on a movie quote quiz on facebook. Above is the result of me being fucking lazy and not shaving. Ya like the beard or not? Just let me know.

Wherein A Shark Shouts EXTREME!!!

Well, y'all remember that doll I sewed a couple weeks ago for Turk Mason/Melrose? Well, it won me the fan art contest! Go me! So of course, this means free naked people for a month. There are no words to express how awesome this is, although this picture comes pretty close.



Thanks Turk!

Alright, so in other news, I finished all my Christmas Shopping. Which means I've finally figured out what the fuck to get Pierre. I'm so proud of myself for not being such a fucking idiot. I also got something for his pets too, because they are ADORABLE!

Also, feel free to check this shit out. Apparently, Dustin is able to see into the future, and is using it to see the future box office performances of next year's movies. Ummm, Dustin sweetie? Can you look into the future and get me some lotto numbers for the 6/49? Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. And jeans. And a nice, sensibly priced, rent-controlled apartment. With Tivo!

I know, this is kind of a lazy post, but after wading through 20 douchebags, I'm winded. So now it's your turn! Feel free to leave your nominees for the Dishonourable Mentions list. Just pick your top 5 Douchebags and drop them off in the comments. The list will be posted on Sunday, so you've got a little under a week to get them in. Have fun!

Fucking Salad Wannabe

A couple of quick things tonight. The first is that with Christmas two weeks away, (and me in several hundred dollars worth of debt buying Presents), I've decided to make a Christmas Mix Tape for the blog. If you don't like it, calm down, I'm taking it down after Christmas.

Number 2, I landed the Number 2 spot in Eloquent Eloquence over at Pajiba. Apparently, if I want to win a spiffy free t-shirt, I'm either gonna have to start making more references to 8-bit games, or give Prisco a hummer. Oh well. We're #2! We're #2!

Third, today was my last day of school for this semester. Yay me! I mean, yeah, I have a cal quiz in a week that I'll probably fail, but for now, this calls for Tequila Body Shots!

Finally, from the good people at Cracked, comes this. It made me squee in my pants.

The Needle Has Landed

I mentioned it last post, but here it is: The Turk Doll! I'm aware that the head is shaped funny, but in my defense, it looked a lot more human before I decided to stuff some cotton in there. Anyways, if you squint a lil and gouge out your eyes, it kiiiiiinda looks like him. Isn't it cute?

You Got Me Pushing Imaginary Buttons

Sorry, not much of a post today. I've been busy working on a lil something or another for Turk Mason/Melrose. I won't give it away, but here's a lil hint...

I Dedicate This Post To Everyone Else Who's Failing The Living Fuck Out Of Cal

So, two months into my courses, and only one more month to go. And did I mention I'm currently holding up a 43 average in Calculus 1? Woohoo! Schoolin' done taught me real good-like! Ugh, reason #417 why I give you full permission to shoot me in the face if I ever refer to High School as "the best years of my life".

Anyways, that mark only comes from the one test we did so far, so there's a silver lining to all of this. Two, actually. The first is that I have a test tomorrow, and I'm feeling cautiously optimistic that I won't completely fail. Second is that, worst case scenario, if I get between 50 and 60% in the term, they automatically discount my term mark and count my exam mark as my final grade. So at least I have that going for me.

So this is for the Cal failers up in this bitch. Wooooo! REPRESENT!

In life-that-isn't-school news, the move continues on. Right now, we're working on painting all the walls to something that isn't eggshell white. Unfortunately, my mother the interior designer is big on earth tones, which sounds nice on paper, but roughly translates into "Beige, Beige, and more Beige...Oh, I'm sorry, TAUPE". God forbid we should add a little colour to the mundanity that is our new house.

Though I can't really complain. My father is on the other end of the spectrum, and believes that each room should be painted in the gaudiest shade of primary colour available and arranged so that one room pretty much clusterfucks with the one next to it. The result is one large eye-fuck, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Lastly, I'd like to say hi to my new follower, Sandman. Hi!

Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw...

Well, I caved in and added blogger. I guess it had to happen eventually, huh? This means you can now read about every single meaningless, insignificant event in my dull ass life. Yay?

Oh, and hi to my two new followers, Jamiepants and Julie. Hi guys!

And here's Katy Perry getting a face full of hubris. Eat it bitch!

This made me laugh. Also, plan on reading a severe trashing of the dumb bitch's new video sometime this weekend. I must admit, they're fun to do, even if the videos in question do make me wanna stick forks into my ears. Anyways, until then!

I'm Not Dead

Okay, Labour Day is done. Finished. I had a four day weekend to restress after a week full of school, and guess what? I had to spend it in the woods, away from the internet, cell phones and overpriced coffee. Oh yeah, this is EXACTLY how I wanted to relax. But it's over, and thank Godtopus, there's not gonna be another camping trip until next summer. Woo-fucking-hoo.

Thankfully, I only really have two days of school this week (tomorrow and Wednesday), so yay for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have certain things to attend to. Certain things that you just can't do when you're surrounded by family, on a constant basis, and the only bathroom is a festering hole unmentionable bodily waste. Yes, that thing. Sorry to be lude, but it's been four days, and anybody who's ever gone four days without ANYTHING knows what kind of a situation I'm currently in.

Excuse me.

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

It's Gone, So Long, We've Got Time, All The Time

It's time to start over. Am I finished with Andrew? No. I'll probably never be, but I think I'm happier this way. I guess I'll never be over to get over him, and I'll never be able to say what he meant to me. Mostly because I'm not sure what he meant to me. But I guess that's how loss works: You can onl truly be happy when you can appreciate something for what it was, instead of hating it for what it wasn't. I made a mistake. But I hope that next time, when something like this happens again, I'll stay. Maybe it won't be what I want, but at least no matter what happens, I'll know I had something. More than anything, I wish I could tell him I'm sorry. He was a great person, he really was. I want to say I'm sorry that I ran away from him, and that I'm sorry that one day, I won't be able to remember him. And on the slight, microscopic and completely hopeless chance that he reads this, I hope he forgives me.

The point is, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I can't keep holding onto something like this. I can't say that it'll be like before. I'm going to keep blogging, and baking, and going out and doing stupid things. But now I'll just know a little better.

And just to show you that I haven't turned into a complete emotional mess, and that I still have some fight in me, here's a little something.



I'm back, bitch!

Take Off Your Top And Get Killed By Greg Kinnear.

I'm not proud to admit it, but I just peed myself a lil' bit.

...TOY STORE!

Useless Talent #27: Baking.

On my gradual quest to stop being all mopey, I've baked a cake. Why? Boredom. I'm at the point in the heartbreak cycle where you just do random shit so that you're to busy to think about anything else. So I made a tasty little Mocha Kahlua Cake with a Bailey's Irish Cream Glaze. My younger had a piece, and proceeded to flirt with a poster, try to pick a fight with another poster, then collapsed in a drunken heap.

In case you're wondering, yes, I bake all the time. It's my hobby, and it keeps my chakras aligned. I found a recipe at Joy The Baker, and proceeded to tweak it as I saw fit. It turned out pretty well, but the way she described it, if I don't shit rainbows for at least three days, I will be disappointed. The basic changes involved switching rum with kahlua, and just making a glaze using bailey's instead of more rum.

On a side note, you see the puppy up in the header? Her name is Kahlua. Yes, we named our dog after a liquer. What can I say? We're Irish. And no, Sarina, I will not be making any pies in the near future. Anyways, here's a little pic of it.

Fuck It. Fuck Life. Here Are Some Videos.

I haven't slept in a day and a half. I had to gradually transition from drunk to hangover, and my eyes are killing me. I'm too tired to actually look for some news about Britney or Miley or any of these shouldabortions I keep posting about. So here's a bunch of videos I yanked from youtube.

Here's the trailer to Zack and Miri. God is dead.


MO brought it up yesterday, so here's the trailer for Bender's Game. enjoy life, MO, cause I'm not.


Probably Bastards takes on The Dark Knight. Die.


Here's a spot from Brawndo. A 300 foot pony covered in chainsaws sounds oddly inviting right now.


And finally, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Everyone you love will leave you.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink a bottle of vodka and wish for death. Toodles.

Extraordinary Nutsack

Yup, that is one Extraordinary Nutsnack. Continuing my unwitting world dominance of the Pajiba blogosphere, I somehow managed to slip in a write up over at Bitchtastic literary blog Webster's Is My Bitch. Mind you, I can't quite crack a whip like Stacey can, but I do look pretty cute in a leather collar and matching banana-hammock.

I'm just saying.

And for those of you in Montreal, I'll be down in the Village tonight to see The Cliks and Hunter Valentine. I'll be the skinny one in the ill-fitting ensemble which bares way too much...Hmmm, that doesn't exactly help much, does it?

All Aboard The FAILboat

You want to know what irony is? For the past week, I've been hooked on the Fail Blog, laughing at other people's stupidity. Then, this morning, I tried to manually type in my blog, and failed. As it turns out, I'VE BEEN MISSPELLING MY OWN BLOG FOR THE PAST WEEK. In case you haven't noticed by now, no I am not that smart. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go read The New Yorker so I can be a little less retarded. Enjoy this video of mascots who are only slightly more stupid than I am.

My First Commenter Ever! Yay!

It may have taken a month, but I've finally got me a reader! And not just a reader, but a commenter! Wee! Big thanks to Mascdudewriter, for agreeing that Zeb Atlas is overrated! *Huggles!*

Still working on it...

Well, still working on getting the blog up and running. You'd think it would be easy but no, no it's not. In hindsight, I probably should have been paying attention during my high school programming class instead of going to Pajiba. Meh, who gives a fuck. Anyone know how to get some music going without having to fork over money for hosting sites? I mean seriously, $7 just to play some songs on a blog no one will ever read? Fuck that. So if anyone can lend me some code, and some instructions on what to do with it, you get a free hug.

...Because All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Yup, there is now one more useless blog thrown into the internet. Whoo! To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. What the fuck do I know? Not much. Anyways, just to so I have someting up, here are some completely random things about me.

• My name is Jeremy. I'm sure I have a last name, but last names are overrated.li>
• I have a huge coffee addiction. Which sounds cute until you realise I spend over $1000 a year on coffee.
• I'm gay and no one seems to notice. I could probably ride down the street on a flaming unicorn and no one would say a word.
• I've only ever had sex once. We met on Facebook and he never called me back afterwards. But that's okay because I faked it.
• I also only ever had one kiss. But I was nine years old, and it wasn't so much a kiss as it was me and a girl smashing our faces together.
• I'm 5'9 and 135(ish) and I still think I need to lose weight.
• I am fucking petrified of love or anything that comes close to it.
• I've never read a comic book, though my favourite comic book character is Catwoman, because I always wanted to wear the pants Halle Berry wore, and also because I want to steal a really big diamond.
• The first album I ever bought was Metric's Old World, Underground, Where Are You Now? and it's still my favourite.
• I can't look people in the eyes, and I have no idea why.
• I'm flexible to the point that I can put my foot behind my head and I can... well, let's just say I can do things most guys only wish they could do.
• I hate wearing socks that match.
• I'm a member of The Church of the Holy Godtopus. We're still trying to set it up.
• I can't resist buying things on sale, even though I'll never use them
• I haven't watched or played Pokemon in eight years, and I can still name all 151 off by heart.
• Whenever someone tells me how great The White Stripes are, I secretly think about murdering them in the face.
• I want to work in at least one sexual job in my life because it would piss off my parents.
• I showed up to my prom drunk. My teachers actually liked me better drunk.
• I tend to avoid guys I like and I don't know why.
• Peach is my favourite video game character of all time.