Sunday, September 28, 2008

You're So Gay, and You Don't Even Like Boys

Last night I watched Top Gun for the first time. Don't judge me bitch, I was at work, and my coworker brought the DVD and the player. It was all his idea, not mine, so bite me. Anyways, it wasn't a terrible movie, but it was... oh, how should I put it... Oh yeah.


Yes, even by my gay, gay standards, this movie was gay. So to measure the gay magnitude (fagnitude, if you will) of this movie, I have created a list to measure this new level of gayness.

So to sum it up, Top Gun is gayer than:

- A Flaming Rainbow

- A Unicorn made of dildos

- Penis shaped mints

- Clay Aiken (My apologies to Stacey Nosek's Mom)

- Dustin's man crush on Ryan Reynolds (but not by much)

- The sane half of The Folsom Street Fair

- The 90's

- All six seasons of Sex and the City, except for the fourth one.

- Erik Rhodes in Drag

- Republicans (Look in your heart; you know it to be true)

- Lap Dogs

- Elton John's Glasses

- Brokeback Mountain (Both the story AND the movie)

- Assless chaps

- Matthew Rush's sexy, sexy goodness *salivate*

- Matthew Lush's unsexy, unsexy badness *shudder*

- A cosmopolitan bender

- A Queer as Folk marathon

- The Tony Awards

- Pierre Fitch in a Pink Pony Carriage...Oh wait...fuck.

- Leather hats

- Perez Hilton in Pink Pumps

- Madonna's dried up old cooter

- Gay sex

- The Isle of Lesbos

- Pride Flag Banana Hammocks

- Actual gay people

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

One (Afternoon and About Half a) Night with Pierre Fitch

On Sunday, the cutest and most annoyingly perfect gay couple ever, RobandMatt, came down for the weekend and got to stay the weekend with Pierre. Anyways, I told them I'd meet with them on Sunday, and then found out they were bringing Pierre along. So anyways, first we met for some brunch, which looked Delicious. I say "looked" because I really only had a cup of coffee. And before you ask, no, I am not back on the Rexy Train, I just ate before I met them. And I really did want that cup of coffee. Thanks to school, I need about three just to get me through the day.

After that, we went down to Old Montreal for a horse carriage ride. This sounds innocent enough, but unfortunately, Pierre's heading down to Folsom on Friday, so he decided it would be fun to scar me for life by showing me THIS.

(Warning: There are some things you just can't unsee. This is one of them)

Pierre is one of the nicest people I've ever met, but seriously? Why? WHY?!?!

So imagine going around in a horse carriage ride with THAT looming over your head.

And yes, that carriage is pink. You gonna start something? And I just realised this, but there's some ass-hat in the background hording in on our pic. Douchewaffle.

Afterwards, we went over to Pierre's house to watch some crappy Canadian TV and some more psychological scarring (Seriously, thanks a whole freaking bunch Pierre, ya big sexy jerkface). I also got to meet his dogs, Candy and Daphnee who are THE CUTEST THINGS EVER! Oh my God, I loved them. And his cat too. I'm usually not a cat person, but this one was just absolutely adorable.

We checked out some more youtube vids of people with weird tattoos and piercings, with Matt, Rob and Pierre switching between hysterical bouts of laughter to almost blowing chunks, while I watched between my fingers. We went out to eat again, took a couple pics for M&R's facebook, and then did a lil dry humping.

This is easily the greatest moment of my life right here. (and in case you're wondering, Pierre's on top, Rob's in the middle, and that's me on the bottom. I fucking LOVE my life right now.)

So yeah, that was how Sunday went. It was pretty cool, because Pierre is so nice, that after a while, I almost forgot that (A) he was a porn star, and (B) I was a mere pedestrian. Although there were the occasional reminders (Cindy, P's cat, seems to enjoy napping on copies of his DVD, One Night With Pierre Fitch).

Anyways, Happy Fifth Anniversary to MattandRob. You two are so cute together, you make me hate the world a little less. And Pierre, thank you for one of the best Sundays I've had in a while (Read: since classes started). And also, thank you for not suing for blatantly stealing pictures from your blog. Consider it retribution for the psychological damage you caused by showing me leather ponies.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

Oh My God, I Have A Follower. Kickass!

It's currently quarter to 11, I've had my morning breakfast of nasty fucking choco protein shake that tastes like someone downed an enitre can of ovaltine mix and then ouked it back up, and I'm watching the first season of Arrested Development, which I've FINALLY picked up (next up, Donnie Darko. I got me some catching up to do). Anyways, decided to do a quick blog post when holy-banana-shit-fucking-jeebus-on-a-cracker, I see that I have a follower. And it's Rusty! Oh what a nice morning this has been, aside from the fact that I drank a "2 Girls, 1 Cup" tasting protein abortion.

Anyways, you can find a link to Rusty's Ventures in the blog roll to the side (She's in between Pierre Fitch and James, which is pretty much every gay man's dream). Also, Meaux is blogging now too! Yay! Once again, you can find her there too at Meaux's Happy Apathy. And also, jm has her own blog too! It's called Windows Up, Volume Down, and if you don't read it I'll chew off your ankles. Everyone's blogging now, how cool is this?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Behold My Complete Lack of an Ass!

Warning: This is yet ANOTHER Pierre Fitch post. What can I say? He's very sweet and he treats me well. Anyways, It's a long and confusing story, so I'm just going to cut to the end:

He gave me a pair of his undies.

...Yup. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.

I kinda feel like one of those creepy Japanese business men who buy used schoolgirl panties. I'm serious, they really do that down there. Kinda weird, but hey, it's not like I can point fingers here. I took some pics in them, just for comparison, but other than that, what do you do with signed undies? Do you frame them? Not sure, but I'll just try to figure out what to do with them.

Anyways, here's a side by side for you to compare:

Quick Question, but who wore them better, me or Pierre? Leave your vote in the comments, and be honest (Unless you're voting for Pierre. In that case, just lie and vote for me).

And also, now would be a good time to remind you that I'm running around in my undies this Saturday, and that I only need $125 to reach my goal. And if that's not enough for you...

Wow, I really have no ass. I have a void where my ass should be. I have one tiny, tiny ass, but it's mine and I love it. So start paying up bitches! Just follow the link here.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

If Nobody Listens, Then Who's Gonna Hear? (The Top 10 Canadian Artists You've Probably Never Heard Of)

10. Hot Hot Heat

Okay, well you've probably heard of these guys. They're the guys responsible for two great albums, Make Up The Breakdown and Elevator, and one kinda-really-only-okay album, Happiness Ltd. These guys would be higher on the list, if it wasn't for that last album.

9. Pony Up!

Sure they've only got one album under their belt (2006's Make Love to the Judges with Your Eyes), but to be fair, it's a pretty strong start. And if you don't like The Truth About Cats and Dogs, congratulations! You're dead to me.

8. Classified

A rapper from Halifax? Sure, why the fuck not. To be honest, he isn't that bad, actually. Despite some lyrics that border on completely dumb-fucked, he's really good.

7. Alexisonfire

If you a fan of screamo, you're probably (or at least should be) well acquainted with Alexisonfire. Blame it on my high concentration of emo friends (I'm the perky one. I'm a shitty emo!), but they've grown on me. This is what you listen to when you're about to punch someone's face in.

6. City And Colour

...AKA, Dallas Green, the actual singing part of Alexisonfire. Despite what you might think, no this one isn't another screamo. It's like the male version of Feist, if you want to know. Folky, guitar driven rock. Need I say more?

5. Bif Naked

Oh my god, remember Bif Naked? Hand to god, the best kept secret of the 90's. I mean c'mon, she had tattoos and guitars and banshee death wails for Christs sakes, how the hell did everyone forget her and gibe the Spice Girls a comeback tour?

4. Magneta Lane

If you watch the L Word, you've probably heard their song, The Constant Lover. And if not, it's about time you did. and while you're at it, you should pick up a copy of Dancing With Daggers. Why? Because you just should.

3. Esthero

I have absolutely no problem with saying that Wikked Lil' Grrrls is one of my favourite albums. How it didn't get higher reviews is beyond me. Seriosuly, did everyone sniff glue before they heard it? What the crap. Anyways, if you haven't picked up one of her albums yet, now would be an excellent time to fix that.

2. Emily Haines

Okay, I know. You've heard of Broken Social Scene. You've heard of Metric. But have you heard her solo project? Knives Don't Have Your Back is, to the best of my knowledge, one of the best albums ever made. The entire album is piano driven, the vocals haunting echoes, and the lyrics poetic. You're nothing without this album.

1. Sam Roberts

You know what Sam Roberts is? It's whiskey drinking, hockey playing, pot smoking, poutine eating, Mountie loving, Keg Standing, Gay Marrying, Tim Hortons eating, Much Music watching, "eh" saying, Healthcare socializing, Molson chugging, Stanley Cup yearning Canadian Music. It also doesn't hurt that he went to the same school as me. Go out and buy all his albums or I'll come to your house and kick you in the shins.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Hellooooooooo, Nurse!

A sure sign that school is destroying your social life: Last week, I spent an hour talking to Matt about The Animaniacs. Remember the Animaniacs? Fuck I loved that show. I haven't seen it in years, but thanks to the magic of youtube, I've benn on a bender ever since.

What can I say? I love a good anvil gag.

Monday, September 8, 2008

You Forgot It In People

Now, I'm well aware that there's a high concentration of gay porn stars on my blog. And yes, I'm guessing that some of you don't exactly approve of it. I'm okay with that. That's not what pisses me off. What pisses me off is when people see porn stars as only objects. Look, I've met porn stars. They're some of the nicest people I know. They're incredibly sweet people, and it kills me when people start bashing them for the sole reason that OH MY GOD they're naked on camera. Look, I know it's not for everyone, but fact of the matter is, what a person does for a living doesn't make them any less of a human being.

What sets me off is shit like this. Basically, Kurt Wild, another gay porn star, was recognized and fired from his job at Subway for his work.

Something smells like bullshit here.

Why are people so goddamn stupid? Yes, he did gay porn. Get over it. For god's sake, he's the father of three kids (Surprise! He's straight), are you really going punish him for caring for his family? What he does isn't illegal, it's not hurting anyone, and he keeps it prvate. It's not like he was offering DVDs with the combos (though I kinda wish they did. Though it'd be hard to pick between those and the Macadamia Nut Cookies). Furthermore, would he have been fired if he was in straight porn? Probably not, no.

Fact of the matter is, people are people, no matter the clothing. If you don't like gay porn, don't watch it. Just try to remember that beneath the bad dialogue and bottle-tans, gay porn stars are people. Sexy, sexy people.

Just to end things off, here are some gay porn stars including (Sigh...) Matthew Rush (Sigh...).

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Are We Breakin' Up? Is There Trouble Between You and I?

Before I go the article, I'd just like to remind everyone that the cancer walk is coming up, and unless y'all start ponying up here, I'm not taking anything off. And then no one gets the sexy pictures. Is that what you want? Then head over Here and pledge, if you please. I only need $150 more dollars, then I'm taking it all off for you guys. Well, almost all of it. The undies are staying on.

Now, for what the post is actually about. One of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend of two year yesterday, and of course, she was miserable. She's past the sharp pain stage (a fairly quick stage, actually), and she's at the heavy pain stage, where it feels like your hearts been ripped out and replaced with a dumbell. Anyways, I sent her my breakup cure, which I'm hoping helped a bit, and I've decided to throw one up here too. So here it is, your guide to fixing a broken heart.

1: Music

You need weepy ass songs. You need lots and lots of weepy ass songs, actually. And not just one of those lame lil top 40 pieces of shit where they say "Baby" every five words, I mean the real shit. Here's a quick playlist you'll need.

Billie Holiday: Gloomy Sunday
Kate Nash: The Nicest Thing
A Fine Frenzy: Almost Lover
Broken Social Scene: Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl
Sia: Breathe Me
Nicole Atkins: The Way It Is
Fiona Apple: Never Is A Promise
Regina Spektor: Somedays
Stars: Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Modest Mouse: Little Motels
Feist: The Park
Imogen Heap: Hide And Seek
Alanis Morissette: Tapes
Emily Haines: Winning
Rilo Kiley: Does He Love You?
She & Him: Take It Back

2. Movies

Your gonna need a tear-jerker or two in there also. Obviously, you're going to want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind somewhere in there. While the Notebook has pretty much bought itself a seat in the chick flick hall of fame, you might as well add it in there for Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. And if you want something to perk you up a bit, go fr Futurama's Bender's Big Score, a movie both hysterically funny, but with surprising amounts of heart. And of course, if you need something that'll get your mind off what's-his-name, I might suggest Destination London or One Night with Pierre Fitch.

3. Books

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Please. It is physically impossible to read with a broken heart. Moving on.

4. Drinks

90% of your time during the healing process will be in a drunken stupor. While I swear by Vodka (liquid heartache), I've had suggestions of Boozehound's French .75 (Thanks, MO), either red or white wine (Thanks, Rusty), Tequila (Thanks, Sarah), Gin and Fresca, and even a Nyquil (Thanks, David!). Whatever floats your boat really.

5. Friends

No one ever got through a heart break alone. Surround yourself with them. True friends won't mind picking you up, dusting you off, and (in my case) mopping thrown up Vodka off the floor. So thanks to everyone who left some love while I got over mine.

That's about it. If I forgot anything, leave it in the comments. Happy Healing!

Monday, September 1, 2008

I'm Not Dead

Okay, Labour Day is done. Finished. I had a four day weekend to restress after a week full of school, and guess what? I had to spend it in the woods, away from the internet, cell phones and overpriced coffee. Oh yeah, this is EXACTLY how I wanted to relax. But it's over, and thank Godtopus, there's not gonna be another camping trip until next summer. Woo-fucking-hoo.

Thankfully, I only really have two days of school this week (tomorrow and Wednesday), so yay for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have certain things to attend to. Certain things that you just can't do when you're surrounded by family, on a constant basis, and the only bathroom is a festering hole unmentionable bodily waste. Yes, that thing. Sorry to be lude, but it's been four days, and anybody who's ever gone four days without ANYTHING knows what kind of a situation I'm currently in.

Excuse me.

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die