Sunday, November 30, 2008

This Is What I Do. I Drop Truth Bombs.

Alrighty, sorry about the totally sporadic updating as of late. But thankfully, we now have internet at the new house finally works! I mean sure, the fucker had to come on like the last day I was at Mom's house, but hey, never look a gift horse in the mouth. And thank you all for the comments. I read them all, and I always appreciate your thoughts.

Since it's almost December, we put the Chritmas Tree up yesterday. And by "We", I mean "me". Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, I loved it. I love Christmas, and if that means spending three hours decorating a fake tree, so be it. Next up: anatomically correct gingerbread cookies! Any excuse to pipe icing schlongs on to baked goods, really.

And in the spirit of Christmas, I went to see Four Christmases. Yes, I'm fully aware what Dustin said about it, but I love Christmas movies. And Dustin was right, it did suck. I mean, they're all competent actors, but the script was just so fucking boring and trite, it pained me.

It wasn't so much funny as it was kinda terrifying. Not so much "killer with a bloody knife" scary, more of a "This is what your life will look like" kind of scary. I'm really not looking forward to the day where I will have to bring a boyfriend back home, really.

Finally, I find this pretty fucking amazing. Imagine taking all those annoying mainstream songs you hear about fifty-bajillion times mashed together, and you get Dj Earworm. Seriously, even if you hate all of these songs, this will get your musical rocks off.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Dead Rock 'n Roll, Remodel, Everything's Been Done

Continuing with List week, here are the ten best cover songs ever

10. Marylin Manson - This Is Halloween

9. Yael Naim - Toxic

8. She & Him - Swing Low Sweet Chariot

7. The Cliks - Cry Me A River

6. Lauryn Hill - Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

5. Johnny Cash - Hurt

4. Lily Allen - Mr. Blue Sky

3. Elvis Costello - Gloomy Sunday

2. Feist - Inside & Out

1. Cat Power - I Found A Reason

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Suck It, Paul Haggis

Ten "Great" Movies That Really Kinda Sucked

10. The Lord Of The Rings

Yes, I'm aware that the battles were "Epic", but that doesn't excuse the amout of suck thrown into the script, now does it?

9. Shakespeare In Love

If only for Gwenyth Platrow's completely ass-backward win. What the crap?

8. Titanic

True Story: My Dad went to see this movie, fell asleep an hour in, then woke up an hour later. When he realised the boat was still above water, he screamed "SINK ALREADY!".

7. The Last Samurai

Do you honestly expect me to buy Tom Cruise as an ancient Japanese Warrior? Please. At most, I can see him as the last butt-pira...Hmmm, it appears I've been served a subpoena. Son of a nutsack.

6. Passion Of The Christ

I know I'm going to get angry Godwads telling me off for this one, but really: Where the crap is the message in all this? Yes, Jesus suffered, but he did a whole bunch of other stuff too. Does "Love your neighbour" ring any bells? Also, Mel Gibson is a fucking nutjob.

5. Oliver!

Fact: Movies based on musicals always suck.
Also Fact: Movies with unnecessary punctuation are equally terrible.

4. Ordinary People

Oh, the tragic lives of self-entitled WASPs. Cry me a freakin' river.

3. Napoleon Dynamite

Oh, where to begin...Unsympathetic characters, thread-bare plot, emotionless performances, the inundation of this load of crap into popular culture, the fact that Jon Heder apparently can't say "Damn", but calling someone a retard is a-okay...Honestly, I could go on about the movie and all those involved in it ALL DAY LONG.

2. Scarface

This is mostly just a big FUCK YOU to all those on MTV Cribs who had a lifesize portrait of Al Pacino in their house and thought their shit didn't stink. Congratulations, you're idolizing a psychotic coke addict. Dumbass.

1. Crashed

How the Brokeback Mountain lose to this? A hamfisted attempt at analyzing prejudice that reinforced more stereotypes than it actually shattered. And what, there are no gays in LA? Choke on a bag of shit, Paul Haggis, ya fuckin' schmuck.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

100 Posts, Motherfuckers!

It's official! This is my 100th post here at Notes On Bar Napkins! My thanks to everyone who has read this lil piece of something, and a HUGE thank you to my followers, and everyone who followed me since the beginning!

Now, for today's list, The Top Ten Movies To Watch Drunk!

10. Kill Bill

9. Pulp Fiction

8. Thelma And Louise

7. Final Destination

6. Old School

5. Almost Famous

4. Donnie Darko

3. Swingers

2. Fight Club

1. Wall-E

And as a final celebration, here's something to ogle. Cheers, everyone!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dear Diary, My Teenage Angst Bullshit Now Has A Body Count

I've got ten mintues until I have a phys ed. test (yeah, I know, they have tests?), so here's a quick rundown of my ten favourite teen movies ever

10. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

9. Superbad

8. Scream

7. Sixteen Candles

6. Mean Girls

5. Pretty In Pink

4. The Breakfast Club

3. Juno

2. Ferris Bueller's Day off

1. Heathers

Monday, November 24, 2008

It's List Week!

Well, we've finally unpacked the small mountain of boxes which has built up in our house, but surprise! Still no internet. I'm starting to show symptoms of withdrawal here, people, I shit you not. So for the next lil while, I'll be blogging from my college library. Awesome. And since I can't do anything to big in here, I hereby declare this week to be LIST WEEK! WOOOOOO!

So for starters, let's count down the Top Five Guilty Pleasure Artists

5. Britney Spears

Oh come on, she's making a comeback! And I love Womanizer. Love it love it love it.

4. Nelly Furtado

In all fairness, a lot of other people do consider her a legtimately good artist. And I love Maneater, because it makes me dance like an idiot.

3. Rihanna

Rihanna is ear-crack. Every song she's ever made is stuck in my head. Ella, ella...

2. Kylie Minogue

I know, I'm officially a gay stereotype. But I loved X. I listene to it for a full month without getting tired, and it's STILL on my iPod.

1. Pink

There is not a single thing I don't like about Pink. Her new album? Amazing, as are all her other albums. Bite me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Want A Man To Stick It Out, And Make A Home From A Rented House

Well, it's official: We've moved into our new house. Yay for us! It really is a beautiful house...I think. I can't really see it under the small mountain of boxes we've buried it under. Oh well, I'm sure once we have everything sorted out, I'll be able to appreciate all the various shades of beige my mother has decided to paint it.

And what better way to commemorate then by having an impromptu tectonic dance off?* For those of you not entirely sure, tectonic is a form of dancing that looks like the illegitimate crack-baby of the macarena and vogue. I can honestly say I've never seen a douchier form of dance. Literal douche kits aren't as douchey as the tectonic. The worst part about all of this? Both my brother and my cousin are apparently very good at it. Behold, the douchosity.

See what I mean? Well, both my brother and my cousin decided to have some sort of douche-off amid the cardboard orgy that is our future living room. For those wondering who won, there are no winners in a tectonic dance off, only embarassed relatives.

*The answer to this is FUCKING ANYTHING ELSE. Just in case you were wondering

Friday, November 21, 2008

Today's News As Math Problems

See if you can figure them all out. Remembe to show all your work.

1. [(Parent's Divorce)-(Two Christmases)] x (Your Dog Died) - (Lee Pace's Eyebrows) + (Obvious Pun Involving Demise) / (There Is No God)

A. Pushing Daisies Cancelled

2. (The Nightmare Before Christmas) + (Buttons) + [(Teri Hatcher)-(Teri Hatcher's Twiggy Frame)] - (Pretentious Twilight Emos)^(Sheer Brilliance)

A. The Trailer for Neil Gaiman's Coraline, which I've watched 27 times today. Seriously? Cannot even fucking wait.

3. (Guyliner) + (Lipsyncing) x (Ill-advised breeding) - (Pubic Hair) / [(New York City)^(Disney Character)] - (Darwinism)

A. Bronx Mowgli Wentz

4. (British Royalty) + (Full Bladder) - (Port-a-Potty) / (Bad Decision making) + (Peace Sign)^[(Meat) + (2 Veg)]

A. Prince William's Penis

5. [(Conjoined Twins) - (Food)] x (Full House) + 4(Black Eye) / (Your Grandma's Curtains) + ( many Ribs)

A. Mary Kate Olsen and Mischa Barton

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Withdrawal In 3, 2, 1...

Alright, so, it's totally official: We are moving out of our old house and heading up the street for a fresh new hell in two days. Awesome. For those who need to catch up, this means sharing a room with Jonathan, living with my mom's boyfriend, as well as his mom, and living right next door to my first crush (which, coincidently, did not end well at all, really). And the cherry on top? NO INTERNET FOR A WEEK.

This is beyond bad for me. I mean my Godtopus, I am borderline addicted to the internet. Well, maybe not borderline, but whatever. Do you have any idea what I'm like without it? Here's a basic example.

Yup. I go just a weeeeeeee bit crazy. So for the next week, I'll be updating entirely from my College Library. Swell.

That's all for now!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Yet Another Five Freebies List

Seems like everybody has their own Five Freebies list going. Marra, Sofia, Figgy...Anyways, since I need to do a quick update today in my school library, and I won't be home tonight, here are a list of my five freebies, and my five team-switchers. Also, i'm not using porn stars, for the sake of spacing, and because really, it's a given that I would give them a freebie any day.

5 Freebies

5. Jon Stewart

I love him. He's just so adorable, I want to dunk him in my coffee!

4. Anderson Cooper

Oh Anderson Cooper. You make CNN watchable! Even the parts where you started using holograms for some dumb fucking reason.

3. Hugh Jackman

Honestly? It's all about the Wolverine. I'm sure he has some other roles, but who cares?

2. Cheyenne Jackson

He's hot, out, and he's going to be in the new musical from the South Park Guys. Me wantee!

1. Dwayne Johnson

I don't care what Meaux says, he is the fucking sex! What can I say, I go all verklempt for the muscle guys. Sorry Meaux!

5 Team-Switchers

5. Christina Applegate

Oh Veronica Corningstone, you had me at "Jazz Flute is for little fairy boys".

4. Ellen Page

Awwww, she's so tiny! She was totally amazing in Juno, and you have to admit, she had the best power evs in X-Men.

3. Anne Hathaway

I love Anne Hathaway. Love love love love her. I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but I loved The Devil Wears Prada.

2. Tina Fey

Even if I wasn't still on my 30 Rock Bender, I'd totally wanna be all over that in an entirely hypothetical way.

1. Feist

You knew this one was coming. Feist is my indie godesse of awesomeness, and I even took my name from her (P.S., thanks for not suing!). I want your babies, Feist!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

You're Not Made Of Tuesday!

Okay, totally random post today. Mostly because I have no energy to crap out another list. Terribly sorry. And for the record Stacey, Zac Efron is apparently very popular with both the teenybopper girls and the gays. This both confuses and saddens me, since he has the sex appeal of a pair of salt and pepper shakers that your grandmother owns.

Now, first off, I don't want to alarm anyone, but we learned something completely new in Calculus today and...well...I actually completely understood what the fuck she was talking about. EVERYBODY PANIC!

Seriously? What the crap? I feel like the entire universe is collapsing on itself. I mean, I suck at Cal, I suck it HARD. How the fuck am I actually doing well at something? This is just strange and confusing.

On another happy note, my CD drive on my laptop, after weeks of shaking, poking, praying, hitting, beating, inappropriate touching, curbing, kicking, punching, biting, teabagging, begging, scratching, pleading and headbutting, finally works again! No idea why I'm telling you this, just figured I might as well.

And also, some more good news. I'm trying desperately to move out of my parents house right now, since me and my mother are currently engaged in some sort of domestic cold war with one another, and it's getting kind of embarrassing now that I'm actually starting to develop a social life, and I have to explain that I live with my mother. Thankfully, my cousin has her own place, and since we seem to function on the same wavelength, I'm going over tomorrow, and if I manage to show her how helpful I can be, I may just be able to come in as a roommate. In due time people. If worse comes to worse, I'll just put an ad on Craigslist or something for anybody looking for a roommate.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pretty Hate Machine: The 10 Stupidest Sex Symbols

10. Will Smith

Okay, so granted, if you've seen I, Robot (which I REALLY don't recommend), you'd know he has a pretty good body. But my Godtopus, that face. He literally looks like a caricature of himself, doesn't he? Have you seen those ears? Does he get HBO on those fuckers?

9. Pamela Anderson

I remember reading somewhere that if you were to create a life-size Barbie Doll, she would have the tater-tots of a grown woman, the waist of child, and the hips of a teenager. That's pretty much what Pamela Anderson has turned into: some sort of Frankenstein mashup of women. It's not a good look for her, to be honest.

8. Mick Jagger

I don't CARE how good you think the Rolling Stones are, Mick Jagger looks like a baseball mitt on top of a broom with a pair of Hot Lips glued to it. If this thought turns you on, please start taking whatever the doctor perscribed you.

7. Kate Moss

Remember a few years ago when no one gave two shits about Kate Moss? She was just another forgotten super model, and no one had to hear about her whiney, skinny self. Then she did a line of coke, and then everyone cared about her again, and I realised how much the skinny lil wench with the car-headlight eyes.

6. Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart is pretty much the earlier version of Clay Aiken, only minus the gayness. Seriously, the guy looked like the baby of a porcupine and a Vegas Show girl. Yet still, women and like-minded men from all over wanted to get up in that. Why that is, is completely beyond me.

5. Zac Efron

Okay, this one may be more about my fear of mannequines than anything else, really. I mean hey, if you want to get your rocks off by fucking a piece of waxy plastic, by all means, go right the fuck ahead.

4. Shia Laboeuf

Why? Why do people find him attrative? His head looks like an egg! He has the facial scruff of a teenager who glued pubes to his face on a dare! He made Transformers for Godtopus' sake. TRANSFORMERS! A movie that featured robots running around a garden for twenty minutes while Shia's parents lectured him about masturbation! How do you guys get off on that?

3. Tila Tequila

Fuck Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila uses the tears of slaughtered baby orphans to lube her vagina, which bites off the penises of all men who enter her. And every year, a virgin girl born on the first day of spring must be sacrificed, or else Tila Tequila's Vagina will rampage through the streets, leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake.

2. Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is everything that is wrong with society. There is nothing more to be said about this sad lil taint on humanity. Moving on.

1. Prince

Why on EARTH could anybody find the delusional, egotistical piece of overrated fluff to be sexy? The man looks like he can be blown away by a light wind, and he dresses like a Pride Parade exploded on him. He also changed his name to a symbol, sued fans who used his music in a video about their newborn baby, and makes overrated music. But hey, is you want to fuck some tiny lil ego machine, go right ahead. I'm not stopping you.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Boozehound Audiophile

I think I did a drinking list last week, but I don't care. I just got back from work and I'm far too lazy to come up with anything "creative" or "not totally fucking stupid". That's just how I roll. Also, I like making mixtapes. For any occasion really. I made one a while back for Zombie Forecast, and I have to admit I liked it. So here's a mixtape for when you need to get your drink on (and subsequently, your hangover).

A-Side: Relapse

Sam Roberts: Brother Down
Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Phenomena
Kate Nash: Shit Song
Classified: Cazual Drinking
TV On The Radio: Wolf Like Me
Erykah Badu: Honey
Sleater-Kinney: Entertain
M.I.A.: Bingo
Santogold: L.E.S. Artistes
Liz Phair: Flower
Peaches: Hit It Hard
Modest Mouse: Float On
LCD Soundsystem: Tribulations
The Go! Team: Huddle Formation
Be Your Own Pet: Bog
Against Me!: Thrash Unreal
The Killers: Read My Mind
Metric: Raw Sugar
Sam Sparro: 21st Century Life
Queens Of The Stone Age: Sick, Sick, Sick
Amanda Palmer: Oasis

B-Side: Rehab

Wilco: Jesus, Etc.
Jay Brannan: Half-Boyfriend
Feist: Gatekeeper
Cat Power: Lived In Bars
Stars: The Big Fight
Ingrid Michaelson: The Way I Am
Corinne Bailey Rae: Trouble Sleeping
Regina Spektor: Better
Sia: Biscuit
Esthero: Everday Is A Holiday (With You)
She & Him: I Thought I Saw Your Face Today
City And Colour: The Death Of Me
Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins: The Big Guns
St. Vincent: Marry Me
Joanna Newsom: Sprout and The Bean
Broken Social Scene: Swimmers
Amy Millan: Baby I
Fiona Apple: Extraordinary Machine
Radiohead: House Of Cards
The Arcade Fire: Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)
Elliot Smith: Son Of Sam

There you go. Play Side-A for when it goes, and Side-B for when it comes out. Lather, Rinse Repeat.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I'm A Pretty Impossible Person To Deal With

My Dad is gone for the weekend, down to some beach in Florida with the girlfriend he cheated on his old girlfriend with (whom, coincidentally, he cheated on his old-old girlfriend with). So I've been home alone all weekend. This really is the first time I've ever had a house to myself, and I have to say, it's a double edged sword. It's fun to have my own freedom, but I just kinda wish I had someone to share said freedom with. I mean, what good is ordering a pizza and eating it in a hot tub if you're the only one?

Okay, moving right along here. My tattoo, though wonderfully sexy and (as many of you have called it) badass as it may be, itches like a badmothershutyourmouth. Right now, I just got out of the shower, so not only is it scabbing, it's also wet scabbing. I feel wonderfully sexy right now.

Oh, did I also mention that I have four assigments due this week? I got one each for Macro, Psych, Business and Phys Ed. Yes, even Phys Ed. Who the crap gives out assigments in Phys Ed? Fuck that shit. I've decided to put all of them off until the last minute. I think I might actually skip my Macro class on Monday. I mean, why bother? She never takes attendance, and it's at 8:30 in the fucking morning. Why the fuck not, huh?

Yes, I am slightly drunk right now. That is neither here nor there.

Anyways, one shiny little silver lining to my alcohol induced cloud of gloom? Last night I ordered a pepperoni pan pizza, a bottle of diet Pepsi, and watched a Scream Marathon until three in the morning, when I fell asleep. Not really sure why, but that alone made me happier than I've been since school started.

Anyways, see y'all later!


When back to my Mother's house last night, and we had a bt of a blowup. Apparently, she thinks I was lying about why I was at Dad's house (to look after the dog), and that I went there because I find her and the rest of the family to be emotionally and physically exhausting. Unfortunately for her, I actually really do. I probably shouldn't have said this to her face, nor should I have called her Manipulative or controlling. Unfortunayely, since I really didn't want to go to Dad's since someone else is housesitting there, I sprent the night sleeping in my car. Awesome. Anybody need a roommate?

Friday, November 14, 2008

So It’s All Come Down To This…A Dungeon…And Dragons!

As much as I love them, there’s a definite double-edged sword when it comes to writing comedy. It goes as such: You can either be funny, or you can have depth. There’s very rarely a middle ground to this scenario. There have been wonderful examples on both sides of the spectrum (Borat on one side, Juno on the other). The only exceptions to this rule seem to be found primarily on TV: 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and the subject of this review, Futurama.

The good news is that Bender’s Game is pretty much leaps and bounds better than the previous outing. The bad news? For the most part, Bender’s Game falls victim to the Humour/Depth spectrum.

Okay, might as well give you some background information. While The Planet Express Crew deals with an energy crisis and rising Dark Matter prices, Bender starts playing Dungeons and Dragons, to the point where he becomes delusional, attacking buses with swords and stealing Dark Matter from Nibbler’s litterbox. Eventually, The Crew confronts Mom, the person in charge of Dark Matter distribution, and for some vaguely explained reason, they end up in the world of Dungeons and Dragons.

In all honesty, the plot is the weakest point in an other wise strong comedy. Since the movie is basically four episodes put together, they seem to work better taken individually rather than as a whole. The real problem with it is the continuity. All four plots are held together about as loosely as Liz Lemon’s bra. However, it holds something just as impressive.

This is where the Humour/Depth spectrum comes in. By far, Bender’s Game is the funniest of the three movies. It’s both a love letter and a send-up of geek culture. My only problem with this is that the D&D sub-culture is so big, there are jokes that make you feel like you’re on the outside looking in. But thankfully, the best jokes are the most accessible ones. If the episode of the Scary Door that Leela watches doesn’t make you laugh, there’s a good chance you have no soul.

If you want to boil it down, Bender’s Game is essentially the greatest piece of nerd service ever put to celluloid. What it lacks in a consistent story line, it makes up with classic Futurama charm and wit. And if the teaser for the final movie is any indication, the writers may be giving it the final send off.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

An Open Letter To Elizabeth Hasselbeck

YOU CRAZY FUCKING BITCH, ARE YOU HIGH? I'm sorry, so just because the majority agrees with something, that makes it alright? What, just because you managed to get voted off of Survivor, you think you are capable of forming a well-thought and articulate opinion? Bitch, please. My Godtopus, even Sherri Shepherd is smarter than you, and she said she wasn't sure if the earth is flat (though in all fairness, she's gotten better)! Fuck you, you ignorant bitch.

Choke on a bag of shit,

Jeremy Feist

(Yes, I know, two open letters in a row. I just got back from work and my tattoo hurts. Sue me.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

An Open Letter To Katy Perry

Dear Katy,

Seriously? Just stop. Pretty please?

I'm not saying you're a bad person. Really, I'm not. Obviously, you've gotten all that "God-hates-fags-bible-thumping" bullshit out of your system, so obviously you're doing something right. It's just that, well, you're kind of a gigantic idiot.

I mean really, there are a lot of women out there who are truly bisexual. These are the women who actually go out there and fall in love with other women. And it's not just some dumb fucking ploy to sell a couple records, it's because people fall in love and it's sad and beautiful and terrifying and wonderful. It's kind of a clusterfuck, really.

All your song does is say that girls only kiss girls because they want attention, or because they want to make their boyfriends happy. This is the part where I call bullshit, and say that you are a dumb fucking idiot who couldn't find your own ass with two hands and a map.

You may be wondering why the hell I'm only going off on you now, when you're crappy album has been out for something along the lines of four months. Well, the answer is this:

Oh fuck off, are you serious? What the hell do you think you're doing on the cover? Since when do we reward stupidity and the trivialization of gay culture with idolization? Cheyenne Jackson I get, Sam Sparro I get, Gene Robinson I get, but I mean really, Katy Perry? That's like lining up a row of Oscars, the dumping a steaming turd right beside them.

So in conclusion, you have no idea what you're doing, and you're only making an idiot of yourself and the gay community. Please stop doing everything.


Jeremy Feist

P.S. Your cupcake purse was stupid. STUPID!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You Have 7 Days. Fail, And Face Erasure.

Yup, I got me my second tattoo yesterday, and oh, how I love it so! It took a good 45 minutes, and it went numb after a while, but hey, totally worth it. Mind you, it's not as impressive as Erik's or boo's, but it's mine and I love it.

Also, mini-contest! Free BJ to whoever can figure out where I got the tattoo from. (Hint: Look at the post's title)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

My Own Personal Ten Commandments For Drinking

1. Thou Shalt Hide All The Phones

I have a bad habit of drunk dialing. And I mean real bad. It usually involves someone with whom I've done the horizontal tango and never called me back, and it usually follows the process of righteous anger, hysterical crying, and the declaration that I am so much better off without the stupid asshat. Therefore, all phones must be hidden, and cell phones must be left with trusted parties.

2. Thou Shalt Take Off Your Clothes

This is pretty much a given. Getting drunk is a perfectly logical excuse for getting naked. The sooner, the better really. Clothes are a barrier between you and your true naked self. They have to come off.

3. You Will Lipsync Every Song That Comes On, And Fail Miserably

One of the strangest effects of alcohol is that it leads me to believe that (A) I'm not a completely awful singer, and (B) that I know the words to every song. This is a deadly, though oddly fun, combination. And the best part is, anything can be used as a microphone. Beerbottles, hairbrushes, dildos, you name it, there's a chance I've sung an off-key version of "Bleeding Love" into it.

4. Thou Shalt Constantly Be Hugging Something

I have this weird habit of hugging things when I'm drunk. Throw pillows are usually a good one, because no one actually cares about them, and they're roughly the size of your torso. I also have a thing for clinging to people, which is both a sign of friskiness as well as a desperate bid not to fall on the floor.

5. Thou Shalt Find Jeremy Hall

See that fucker right there? Find him, and hold on for dear life. He will be the little floaty ring in a sea of alcohol. And if you play your cards right, you might even get to first base with him. (Hint: he seems to have a thing for skinny, neurotic white boys who can't hold their liquor, slur their words and stumble around like they have an inner ear infection)

6. Thou Shalt Tip $20, No Matter How Much You Actually Bought

This is more a matter of decency then anything. What can I say? I was brought up in a restauraunt, people who don't tip well deserve to be kicked in the balls until they turn into ovaries.

7. Thou Shalt Take Blurry-Ass Pictures That Look Like Crap

Obviously, there's no way in hell I'm gonna remember anything, so the next best thing is to get pictures so I can figure out why there's a mysterious rash on my fun stuff. Further more, all of these pics should look like movie stills from Cloverfield.

8. Thou Shalt Not Break The Seal

Honestly, as soon as I pee once, I'm in there every fifteen minutes, really. You pee once, your never coming out of there ever again. This one pretty much applies to everyone: Don't break the fucking seal.

9. Thou Shalt Get Drunk As Hell Early, Then Keep The Levels Up With Shots All Night

I'm not what most people would call a "social" person, and I've been known to "assault" people for being jerk, assholes, or if I just haven't had coffee that day. So getting drunk is usually a sure fire way to make me sociabale. And the drinking of shots spaced out through the evenning makes sure that I keep my level of drunkness steady.

10. Thou Shalt Know When To Hit The Sack

There comes a time when enough is enough, and falling asleep is a must. At this point, it's best to call a cab, get on a bus, and get home before I completely pass out. It's always good to know your limit, even if it's not terribly high.

Safe Drinking, bitches!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I'm Wearing My Lazypants Today, So Here Are Some Videos!

I'm gonna level with you here: I've been trying to make sure that I crank out a new blog post everyday, and so far I'm doing pretty well. But today, the weather outside was just Godtopus-awful, so I spent the entire day in bed, watching Donnie Darko and going through the Bonus Features of 30 Rock, my trusty laptop by my side. As of late, the DVD drive seems to be stuck, so I've taken to shaking my laptop in order to punish the little people inside. I'll work on that later. For now, here are some videos you should see.

First up is the trailer for the upcoming Straight to DVD movie adaptation for Dead Like Me. As much as the news of more Dead Like Me makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, really? a DVD movie? That's it? Even Jessica Simpson can crank out one out for theatres. And oh, how Reggie has grown.

Oh, you know me, I love me some Dr. Tran. Let this be a lesson to you all: Don't fuck with the shaved ice babies, or else Godtopus will kill you with his penis. And don't even get me started on what Godtopussy will do to you.

I'm pretty much obligated to post anything by Feist, so here's her new video for Honey Honey, chock full of puppet-y goodness! Hint hint, Meaux darling.

Since I've been cracked out on a 30 Rock bender for the last three days, enjoy this clip of the cast belting "Midnight Train to Georgia". Glerg.

And finally, a look at what Teen Wolf would have been like if it was 100% more honest. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky, scary...AW, DAMMIT, IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD NOW.

Friday, November 7, 2008

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Ennui To Bring You This Important Announcement

I passed my fucking Cal test! Yay!

For those of you who can't see it, that's a 61.7% there on the sheet. This is awesome for two reasons. A)This is the first Cal test that I didn't fail, and B)there is now a decent chance that I won't totally fail Cal. Theoretically, anyways. Basically, thanks to the Quebec government, if someone gets over 50% in Cal but is still failing, their term mark will be considered null and void, and the mark you get on your finals will be considered your total.

This means I have two options right now:

1. Now that I have some momentum, get the mark up over 60%, and actually start trying.

2. Coast with a mark between 50 and 60, then just study the crap out of my finals.

Right now, I'm leaning towards the latter. But for now, I'm busy doing my naked happy dance. In case you're wondering, no, this isn't a cute euphamism for masturbation, this is simply a dance I do when I'm happy and naked.

And on a completely random note, I finally got off my lazy ass and gave Pierre his b-day present. In all fairness, he was off in New York last week, so it's not like I'm gonna drive all the way down to New York to give him a gift. Anyways, I went against my "No Gift Certificats" rule and bought him one, if only because he lacks any trace of subtelty when it comes to stuff like this, and pretty much blatantly said that he wanted one. The only problem with this is that the woman writing it out asked for his name. His REAL name. Which I don't know. So I just gave her his stage name.

Yup, I'm an idiot. That is all.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Good Christian Love

First off, I'd like to thank Julie, Meaux, David, Sarah, and Rusty for leaving some love yesterday. Thanks to a steady diet of booze and the second season of 30 Rock on DVD, I'm either feeling slightly better, or just wonderfully numb right now. Just think: How many gay marriages were there in California? What's going to happen to all of them? Thanks to 52% of people in California trying to "save" marriage, we may very well have created a legal black whole, a state of chaos. Isn't it nice how they were all yammering about how we were destroying marriage, and they turn around and destroy more marriages than we ever have (that would be zero)?

Awesome. Really. Fucking awesome.

I would like to take this opportunity to wipe my hands of mainstream Christianity. How am I supposed to believe in a God who hates his creation? I'm officially converting to The Holy Church of the Sacred Godtopus.

How about a religion with some real love, huh?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm Trying Not To Fall Apart

Obama got elected! Yay! Truly this means that the US is finally over their prodominant bigotry, right?

Oh wait, yeah, they completely removed basic human rights from LGBT folks in four fucking states. I almost completely fucking forgot about that part. Gee, isn't that FUNNY?





You know what? No. I'm gonna keep on fighting. I'm not gonna let some stupid, ignorant, hateful people win. Because that would mean I amdit defeat. That would be saying that I was wrong for wanting me and my people to be treated the same way you guys are.

And I would rather fucking die than say that.

I would like tho thank Sarah so much right now, because she took the time to write me and tell me how sorry she was. I'm currently stuck in my school library, trying very hard not scream and cry and break shit, and she helped me calm down and she let me know that maybe everything hasn't gone completely shit.

Since Barack has won, I've got a little proposal for him, since it's pretty much the only proposal I'm allowed to make in the States now. You built your campaign on Change and Hope and all that shit. Well, we believe you and we voted for you, now pay up. How about some change, huh? HOW ABOUT SOME FUCKING HOPE HERE? You're the first black president, and that's great, really. I'm glad to see that at least in certain areas, America seems to be moving in the right direction here. Now maybe you can be the first President with balls, and start helping legalize gay marriage. It's not gonna be overnight, and it's not gonna be easy, but you promised us change.

Put up or shut up.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Dedicate This Post To Everyone Else Who's Failing The Living Fuck Out Of Cal

So, two months into my courses, and only one more month to go. And did I mention I'm currently holding up a 43 average in Calculus 1? Woohoo! Schoolin' done taught me real good-like! Ugh, reason #417 why I give you full permission to shoot me in the face if I ever refer to High School as "the best years of my life".

Anyways, that mark only comes from the one test we did so far, so there's a silver lining to all of this. Two, actually. The first is that I have a test tomorrow, and I'm feeling cautiously optimistic that I won't completely fail. Second is that, worst case scenario, if I get between 50 and 60% in the term, they automatically discount my term mark and count my exam mark as my final grade. So at least I have that going for me.

So this is for the Cal failers up in this bitch. Wooooo! REPRESENT!

In life-that-isn't-school news, the move continues on. Right now, we're working on painting all the walls to something that isn't eggshell white. Unfortunately, my mother the interior designer is big on earth tones, which sounds nice on paper, but roughly translates into "Beige, Beige, and more Beige...Oh, I'm sorry, TAUPE". God forbid we should add a little colour to the mundanity that is our new house.

Though I can't really complain. My father is on the other end of the spectrum, and believes that each room should be painted in the gaudiest shade of primary colour available and arranged so that one room pretty much clusterfucks with the one next to it. The result is one large eye-fuck, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Lastly, I'd like to say hi to my new follower, Sandman. Hi!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

"Hi, I'm A Mac..." "...And I'm A Gay Porn Star"

Having read Brisco's review (which can only be described as sheer motherfucking brilliance), I went to go see Zack and Miri Make A Porno. And OH MY GOD I honestly haven't laughed that hard since, well, pretty much ever. I've seen pretty much every Apatow movie that matters, and all I can say is that Kevin Smith pretty much one-ups him in every possible way.

I think pretty much the best part of the entire movie comes in the form Brandon Routh and Justin Long. I know, Superman and the Mac Guy. Let that sink in for a minute. To be fair, they play a gay couple, and Justin plays a gay porn star. So, he kinda has that going for him. If you stay after the credits, there's even a lil bit about them afterwards.

Though there was this strange niggling thought at the back of my mind. The brashness, the cheekbones, the fact that he acted, produced and distributes his own gay porn...About halfway through their scene, I finally realised what was dancing around in my brain parts and nearly choked on my Reece's Pieces:

Justin Long was doing a near flawless portrayal of Michael Lucas (save for the accent).

I swear to God, look at the two pictures below, and note the eery similarity.

Seriously, how weird is that?

Oh, the weirdness of it all...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Movin' On Up...

Alrighty, so today we started trying to move our many boxes of crap out of the basement and into the new house, where, presumably, they will sit in their boxes, unused and unloved. Oh, the ennui of it all.

Can't say a whole lot happened. I woke up at 8:30 in the fucking morning, after spending an entire night handing fistfuls of, *ahem*, "fun-sized" (a term I use loosely) candies out to kids. We loaded the entire contents of our basement into out cars, brought it up the street, and threw it in the garage. And then I had to wait in a completely empty house until the guys came for with out washer/dryer. I spent four friggin hours waiting for them to show up, which isn't too bad considering that I brought the second season of 30 Rock with me. Tina Fey, on the off chance your out there reading this piece of shit, I love you, and I want to have your babies.

Doe that make sense? No, it doesn't. But I want it.

I also got to meet my kinda-sorta-unofficial-stepcousins for the first time, and they are TOTS adorable. Seriously, they're like six and four years old, and oh are they ever cute.

And in case your wondering, no Andrew. I was kind of forced to stay in the house for the entire day, and even then, I really wasn't exactly in the mood to go through the whole "Oh, I'm so heartbroken and emo WAHHHHHHHH" bit again. Maybe sometime next week, when I have the time/money/emotional strength for this shit.

Bah. Bah I say. For now, I just finished watching a live performance from Feist on Bravo, and now I'm going t go running for a lil bit. I just bought albums from Girl Talk, Pink and Sam Sparro, and I also downloaded a crapton of free music from Erik's blog, so thank Godtopus, I now have a pretty solid exercise playlist. My legs are going to hate me after this, but seriously, who needs legs anyways?