What The Fuck Is This Shit?

No, seriously? What the fuck is going on in this video? Apparently, some company in Japan made a racing game about a gay porn star (Who WASN'T me, to make matters worse!) and it is...Ummmmm, I'm not even sure how to describe this. There's one guy in his undies riding another like a motorcycle, then he turns into a segway, than they kill some fucking cat/woman thing. Also, a baby pops out of his penis and shoots lasers. Congratulations Japan, you've ruined gay porn AND Mario Kart. You bastards.

How I Lost My Sanity At Ikea

www.marriedtothesea.com

With my impending moving day looming ever precariously over my head like the Sword of Damocles, I realized the time for cheap-ass, poorly-built Swedish furniture was nigh. While Mama Feist has what has been psychologically described as "a raging boner" for Ikea, I've never actually been inside the store, my experiences constructed mostly out of theory and word of mouth (which still makes it more stable than 90% of their coffee tables). Still, I was in desperate need of modest furnishings with incomprehensible names, and so I boarded my bucket of a car and hauled my pasty slacker ass off to Ikea.

What a terrible fucking idea that was.

The moment I entered the store, my ear drums were assaulted with the banshee wails of screaming toddlers, banished to wallow in the pit of plastic balls for all of eternity...or until their parental units were finished loading up on futons and ottomans. Whichever came first, really. Although it was a tad disconcerting to see a daycare center in the middle of a furniture store. Mostly because I'm faily sure I saw the exact same playpen in another unmentionable hell-hole, Chuck E. Cheese.

After getting my mitts one a needlessly large shopping cart, I set out on the first of many quests in Ikea: getting a six-piece dining set. A simple enough task for even the most obnoxious and troglodytic of newlywed yuppies. Although granted, I am not what you would call an "exceptionally bright" person, or even an "adequately intelligent" person. Fuck, even "Hey shit-for-brains" would be something of a stretch. Naturally, I would (and did!) find a way to fuck this up.

The exact details of the trip are shady at best. I could have been in there for five minutes, or for five hours.* My shopping cart and I were bounced back and fourth, from one show room to the next. By the fifth time I found myself staring down a row of affordable TV stands, I was starting to lose my patience.

By the half-hour mark, I was starting to show visible signs of homicidal rage. I hadn't eaten anything that morning, I had a massive Charlie Horse thanks to a septugenarian with a shopping cart full of pots and pans, and the now universal screeching of children was severing the final string holding me from falling into the never ending pit of schizophrenia. I had to find those fucking dishes pronto, homeskillet, else I should end up being the first person to be charged with a Hit-and-Run in a furniture-laden shopping cart.

When I finally managed to procure a hasty dining set, I made my way to the check-out counter, a labyrinthian feat at best. While Ikea had thoughtfully provided you with a path and accompanying signs, I was getting te idea that the last thing Ikea wanted you to do was to actually LEAVE, as the acursed trail lead you through (quite literally) every single department there. The lines themselves were a veritable mile-long marathonin order to get to the actual register. I had the feeling that was what it felt like to work with Sky Net when it became self-aware.

With my kitchen set paid for, I still had the matter of hunger to attend to. Would I dare spring for the inordinately inexpensive hot dogs, or would I wait until home. I decided to wait, as consuming one of these would be the final step in my shameless pandering to the Swedes.

And that's how I lost my mind at Ikea. The story of how I managed to lost my mind in an orgiastic sea of wood, low-prices and incomprehensible Swedish names. While I doubt anyone will ever be able to fully explain the penomenon. Watch this clip and feel the pain as your brain slowly rots out of your ear canals.

*It was actually an hour, but I'm Irish. We tend to cram our stories full of bullshit just to fuck wit you.

...I Have No Words For This

This is the single stupidest or the single greatest video I've ever seen. All I know is, there's a mysterious substance leaking out of my ears right now, and I'm fairly sure it's my now liquefied gray matter.

Behold:


Nothing sums up this video quite like the small asian child at 2:37, who may or may not be the greatest person in the history of forever.

That is all.

Why People with Tourette's Shouldn't Sell Cars

Yes, I know this isn't a real commercial, but fuck you, I kinda wish it was.

Well This Explains A Lot...

Seriously, her obsession with children, her overall unpleasant demeanor, her freaky ass hair...I you think about it, it kinda makes sense, doesn't it?

Thank You, Abstinence-Only Education

No, really, we are ALL fucked. We are fucked very very hard.

(Thanks to Failblog for making me lose all faith in humanity)

Jitters

I'm pretty sure I'm about to puke right now. Don't worry, I'm not sick or anything, I'm just excited. And nervous. I won't go into too many details here, because I want to keep it a secret until it officially happens, but right, all I'll say is that I just agreed to do something pretty big, all things considered. Right now, I'm excited and thrilled and pretty fucking terrified all at once. I'm shaking like a leaf and I'm pretty sure I'm about to puke. Strange how good that feels all things considered. Yay! I think...

Anyways, moving on, I'm still working on bulking up so that I can go from being two-dimensional to three. Or four if you buy into that whole "Time as a dimension" thing. Whatever. Anyways, I had a Weight Training class at eight this morning, so I managed to get a decent workout. Yes, I have a class at 8 in the morning. Why? Because I suck at making schedules, that's why.

Anyways, I managed to do a shitload of bicep dumbbell curls. I felt pretty good about myself until I looked over and saw what appeared to be a small mountain lifting weights beside me. Then I realized that it was an actual fucking person. Who knew?

I didn't actually get his name, mostly because I was afraid that if I got within arms reach of him, he would eat me. Let's just call him "The Physical Manifestation of Everything I Hate About My Body". Or Manny for short. Manny's a nice name.

Anyways, Manny was roughly my height, and about twice as big as I was. He was also doing curls using 60 pound weights, while I was doing 15 pound weights. While he beat me physical strength, I'm pretty sure I totally owned him in the Self-Loathing department. Jeremy: 1, Manny: 0. So suck on that!

Anyways, I am now seriously reconsidering my diet. Sure, my boobies are starting to fill out a little bit, but still, my muscles are still woefully small. If anyone can point me in the direction of some seriously cheap-o roids, it would be gratefully appreciated.

Anyways, to play you out, here's a video I like to call "Witef is Wrong with Japanese People?" Cheers!

Japan Makes Another Super Weird Video - Watch more free videos
Also, Hiya to new follower Figgy!

I'm Good, I'm Gone

Okay, so things started off kinda weird today. Since my first class today is actually online, I had to catch the bus for my *NEW* first class. Anyways, hopped on the bus, found myself a seat, and five seconds later, guess who's sitting in across from me?

Andrew. Yay?

It's never pleasant coming face to face with your past, and it's even less pleasant when you do it literally. Thankfully, I haven't shaved in a couple weeks, so he didn't really recognize me. Anyways, I had to options:

1) Say hi, make friendly small talk, move on with my life

2) Open up my copy of Fluke, hide behind it, pretend I didn't see him

You can pretty much guess which one I went with, huh? The weird thing is, once I got off the bus, I felt pretty good, like I was over all my stupidity. I felt pretty good about myself, really.

Then I tripped on the stairs and face planted.

If my clumsiness is any indication, I guess I'm still not quite over him. But, you know, I'm getting there. I think. I mean, as much as I hope I'll eventually look at him and wonder what I ever saw in him like Stacey said, I don't really want to. I'm not sure what I felt, but at least it was something, and it meant something. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this, who knows? I'll figure it out eventually.

But my clumsiness doesn't end there. About ten minutes later, I was picking up some coffee before class and walking out the front door of the shop when the door closed on one of my bag straps. I immediately snapped whiplashed backwards, smacked the back of my head against the door and managed to embarrass myself not only to those inside, but those outside too. Needless to say, I'm going to Second Cup from now on.

After my first class, I decided to swing by the Apple Store to pick up a new set of ear buds, since the left one decided to conk out on me. This is pretty much the first time I ever went here, so I didn't really know what I was in for. All I can say is, Apple Store employees are some of the most miserable fucking people EVER. At least, the fucker I got. Seriously, I was looking for the ear phones on the big ol' wall of accessories when this guy came over and asked me in the most exhaustive tone ever "Can I HELP you?"

So I just told him I was looking for the ear buds, and he made this big show of pointing them out, and then bringing them over to the register. You'd think with the sheer amount of ennui he put into it, I had just walked in and asked him to build me a custom Mac from scratch using paper clips and tape. Seriously, get over yourself. It's Apple for fuck's sake, let it go.

And just to cap off my day of fuckery most foul, on the way home from class, I got a call from Granny Chick. As the resident baker of the family, I'm the one she goes to when she needs cookies. Anyways, since there really isn't a good way to make this sound not completely crazy, here's the general conversation we had.

Me: Hello?

Granny Chick: Hello, Jeremy! How are you?

Me: Can't complain, you?

GC: Oh I'm fine, thank you. Now, I need you to do me a small favour.

Me: Oh, sure thing. What do ya need?

GC: Oh, you're a good lad, Jeremy. I was wondering if you could make some cookies for my hooker party.

Me: (Momentary pause to process what my 80-year old grandmother just said) I'm sorry, you're what?

GC: My hooker party. I'm having some friends over this weekend, and we're going to be hooking rugs.

Me: Oooooh. Yeah, you probably could have picked your words a little better there, Grandma.

Oh, how I love my 80-year old Hooker Grandma. Anyways, I'll play you out with this fucking awesome video for The New Pornographers' "Mutiny, I Promise You". Cheers!

And He Goes To Med School

Okay, so today was the first day of my second semester at school. I have good news and bad news. Good news so far: One of my classes is online, so I never have to show up, and my English teacher is a firm believer in showing movies. Yay!

The bad news is that I have to take Calculus II, a mandatory course that I'm kinda hoping I don't fail. There's also the matter of my Western Civ course, which is where fun goes to die a slow and incredibly painful death. Thankfully, I had a desk in the back corner, so I just slept for about an hour. Suck on that, higher education!

Anyways, hopefully this semester I won't nearly fail every class I'm taking. All I have to do right now is maintain at least a 60 average until May 12th, and I'm good. Just one more year, just one more year...

Also, HotAndy, if you're reading this, you can suck it! Okay, for those who have no idea what I'm talking about here, HotAndy and I were having an email competition where we had to ask each other how the other was doing. And I almost won, but then he totally tricked me, and now I owe him a beej. Tricky jerkface...Oh well, I'm not exactly complaining here. In honour of him being a tricky, sexy beast, here's The Dresden Dolls with Mandy Goes To Med School.

And in really-super-fucking-cool news, Porn Team, the guys who distribute Pierre's DVDs, just announced their top selling movies, and Pierre's newest release was the highest seller. Apparently, it was the highest selling DVD they had in seven years, which is really cool. Feel free to post any and all words of congrats, praise, and anything that else that will swell his ego on his blog or in the comments below.

And finally, or no real reason at all...PENIS FISH!


Cheers!

Wherein Rolling Stone Completely Loses Their Shit

Well, it's December, which means it's time for every publication in existence to release a "Best Of" list. Rolling Stone released their list of The Top 50 Albums of '08, and all I can say is...Realy? An entire goddamn year, and this is what you could come up with? Pathetic. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at some glaring instances of stupidity.

2. Tell Tale Signs - Bob Dylan

Before you all come knocking on my door with your torches blazing and your pitchforks aimed at my junk, you might want to consider that this was a collection of Bootlegs. I think Bob Dylan is amazingly talented, but putting Dylan up here would be like putting Liz Phair on for a re-release of Exile In Guyville. I'm not saying it's a bad album, I'm just saying it doesn't belong on a list for 2008.

10. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

Okay, I'm only saying this one last time, and that's it. Would you all PLEASE shut the fuck up about Vampire Weekend already? Congrats, you listen to Vampire Weekend. Wanna talk about how overrated Juno was?

12. Guns N' Roses - Chinese Democracy

This is a classic case of the Rockroaches: Careers that just don't know when to die. The album been delayed for over a decade, and this is what we get? An overly Auto-tuned bit of pop-rock sold exclusively at Best Buy? We deserve better, assholes.

30. Duffy - Rockferry

My apologies to those who like Duffy (I've read some interviews, and she seems like a pretty sweet girl), but I can't be the only one who feels like she's just another european pop-darling cashing in on the Amy Winehouse craze before the crazy beehived bitch ODs, am I? She's charming, but I'm just saying...

39. Taylor Swift - Fearless

I have to admit a fondness for Taylor Swift, considering that she had to date the Gay Jonas Brother, but really? 39th best album of the year? I can line up all the albums I bought this year, and have my Dog sniff them out, and chances are, the one she chooses will probably be ten times better than this one. Wonder how they can fuck this one up any worse?

40. The Jonas Brothers - A Little Bit Longer

...ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? You have an entire year's worth of music, and you choose the emo version of Hanson? Fuck it. You've sold your goddamn soul, Rolling Stone. Enjoy taking it up the ass from Mickey Mouse.

Seriously, in a year which saw releases from Portishead, She & Him, Atmosphere, Sam Roberts, Jenny Lewis, Sam Sparro, Amanda Palmer, Robyn, Sia and Estelle, am I really expected to swallow this?

We can do better than this.

Dear Diary, My Teenage Angst Bullshit Now Has A Body Count

I've got ten mintues until I have a phys ed. test (yeah, I know, they have tests?), so here's a quick rundown of my ten favourite teen movies ever

10. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

9. Superbad

8. Scream

7. Sixteen Candles

6. Mean Girls

5. Pretty In Pink

4. The Breakfast Club

3. Juno

2. Ferris Bueller's Day off

1. Heathers

Pretty Hate Machine: The 10 Stupidest Sex Symbols

10. Will Smith

Okay, so granted, if you've seen I, Robot (which I REALLY don't recommend), you'd know he has a pretty good body. But my Godtopus, that face. He literally looks like a caricature of himself, doesn't he? Have you seen those ears? Does he get HBO on those fuckers?

9. Pamela Anderson

I remember reading somewhere that if you were to create a life-size Barbie Doll, she would have the tater-tots of a grown woman, the waist of child, and the hips of a teenager. That's pretty much what Pamela Anderson has turned into: some sort of Frankenstein mashup of women. It's not a good look for her, to be honest.

8. Mick Jagger

I don't CARE how good you think the Rolling Stones are, Mick Jagger looks like a baseball mitt on top of a broom with a pair of Hot Lips glued to it. If this thought turns you on, please start taking whatever the doctor perscribed you.

7. Kate Moss

Remember a few years ago when no one gave two shits about Kate Moss? She was just another forgotten super model, and no one had to hear about her whiney, skinny self. Then she did a line of coke, and then everyone cared about her again, and I realised how much the skinny lil wench with the car-headlight eyes.

6. Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart is pretty much the earlier version of Clay Aiken, only minus the gayness. Seriously, the guy looked like the baby of a porcupine and a Vegas Show girl. Yet still, women and like-minded men from all over wanted to get up in that. Why that is, is completely beyond me.

5. Zac Efron

Okay, this one may be more about my fear of mannequines than anything else, really. I mean hey, if you want to get your rocks off by fucking a piece of waxy plastic, by all means, go right the fuck ahead.

4. Shia Laboeuf

Why? Why do people find him attrative? His head looks like an egg! He has the facial scruff of a teenager who glued pubes to his face on a dare! He made Transformers for Godtopus' sake. TRANSFORMERS! A movie that featured robots running around a garden for twenty minutes while Shia's parents lectured him about masturbation! How do you guys get off on that?

3. Tila Tequila

Fuck Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila uses the tears of slaughtered baby orphans to lube her vagina, which bites off the penises of all men who enter her. And every year, a virgin girl born on the first day of spring must be sacrificed, or else Tila Tequila's Vagina will rampage through the streets, leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake.

2. Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is everything that is wrong with society. There is nothing more to be said about this sad lil taint on humanity. Moving on.

1. Prince

Why on EARTH could anybody find the delusional, egotistical piece of overrated fluff to be sexy? The man looks like he can be blown away by a light wind, and he dresses like a Pride Parade exploded on him. He also changed his name to a symbol, sued fans who used his music in a video about their newborn baby, and makes overrated music. But hey, is you want to fuck some tiny lil ego machine, go right ahead. I'm not stopping you.

"Hi, I'm A Mac..." "...And I'm A Gay Porn Star"

Having read Brisco's review (which can only be described as sheer motherfucking brilliance), I went to go see Zack and Miri Make A Porno. And OH MY GOD I honestly haven't laughed that hard since, well, pretty much ever. I've seen pretty much every Apatow movie that matters, and all I can say is that Kevin Smith pretty much one-ups him in every possible way.

I think pretty much the best part of the entire movie comes in the form Brandon Routh and Justin Long. I know, Superman and the Mac Guy. Let that sink in for a minute. To be fair, they play a gay couple, and Justin plays a gay porn star. So, he kinda has that going for him. If you stay after the credits, there's even a lil bit about them afterwards.

Though there was this strange niggling thought at the back of my mind. The brashness, the cheekbones, the fact that he acted, produced and distributes his own gay porn...About halfway through their scene, I finally realised what was dancing around in my brain parts and nearly choked on my Reece's Pieces:

Justin Long was doing a near flawless portrayal of Michael Lucas (save for the accent).

I swear to God, look at the two pictures below, and note the eery similarity.




Seriously, how weird is that?

Oh, the weirdness of it all...

Shit I Don't Get 2: Electric Boogaloo

Vampire Weekend

Seriously, I can't be the only one who finds these guys to be boring and pretentious, am I? Yes, I bought the album back when it came out last spring, it's been on my iPod since then. I tried to like them, I really did. Christ almighty, with all the hype these guys got, I thought my iPod would explode out of sheer awesome. But no, all I got was a bunch of preppy ivy league kids singing adequite pop-rock songs. Yes, A-Punk was pretty good, but I don't care.

Prop 8

You know, last time I checked, when you wanted to get married, weren't you supposed to ask one person, instead of, oh I don't know, 36, 553, 215 people? Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong here. I mean really, it's 2008 here, there really is no excuse for people being this stupid. No on Prop 8 people. NO ON PROP 8.

Jensalecki Bashing




If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. Choke on it, Dustin.

Paula Deen is Trying to Fucking Kill Us

Alright, confession time: I love watching the Food Channel. I just finished my midterms, which consisted of six tests in the space of two days, so I'm currently watching to unwind a little. And I have to admit a certain fondness for Paula Deen. I love her accent, and she actually seems to enjoy cooking, as opposed to the Everyday Italian girl, who seems intent on pushing Feminism back a good thirty years or so. That being said, PAULA DEEN IS TRYING TO FUCKING KILL US. Seriously, I just watched the bitch instruct her audience on how to make Deep-Fried Macaroni wrapped in Bacon (which sounds both delicious, but will probably land you in the big house for a triple-bypass). Considering her taste in cooking, I figured I'd offer her a couple other recipes to try out in the near future.

Bacon Doughnut Cheeseburger
Fry a burger patty in bacon fat, sandwich in between two Krispy Kreme dougnuts and top the patty with cheese, bacon and a stick of butter. Afterwards, top the doughnut with chocolate sauce, marshmallows and some whipped cream if you're feeling sassy


Oreo and Mayonnaise Omelet
Fry an omelet made of twenty egg yolks in pig lard. Once both sides are grilled, fold over a cup of mayonnaise, a scoop of butter pecan ice cream, and handful of pork rinds. Once rolled, slather it in butter, and cover in crushed oreo cookie pieces.

Fattening Mushy Shit
Mix five pounds of flour, five pounds of sugar and five pounds of butter together. Deep fry, then force feed it to the first person you see. Don't stop until he/she stops breathing.

Instant Death
Fill a large syringe with melted butter, hot fudge, lard, dishwasher detergent, caramel, mayonnaise and five raw eggs. Inject directly into the heart. Bon Fucking Appetite.

A News On Bar Napkins Pile In A Sadness Bowl

First her boyfriend dies, and now she has breast cancer. I'm sorry Tina, but I'm kind of hoping Christina Applegate wins the Best Actress Emmy now. She could use it right now and Godtopus help me, she was pretty good. (WIMB)

Because today isn't horribly depressing enough, Morgan Freeman also got into a serious car accident. (All Your TV)

A gay teenager who was the victim of an anti-gay beating has died after spending eight days in the hospital. Now would be a good time to curl up in the fetal position and wait until death comes. (Towleroad)

"I'm here to kick ass and drink cups of tea...And I'm all out of tea." Here are the top 10 Most Annoyingle British Commercials (Am I the only one who finds the Cheers Lady adorable? Apparenly, yes). (BWE)

Pop Quiz! You have a house fire. Do you:
A) Make sure your family has safely vacated the building
B) Thank those who helped you avoid further disaster
C)Blame the fire on satanists and picket the fire fighters who are trying to save your shit

I'm Going Away For The Weekend... Again.

Yup, two weeks in a row I have to spend my "Me Time" stuck in a small, uncomfortable room with my family. Hoo-fucking-ray. God, I thought I filled my Feel-Good-Family-Moment quota for the year, but nope. Anyways, I'm off to Kingston because my uncle is being promoted from Colonel to Lieutenant, and while I love him and am immensely proud of him, the fact that I have to sleep in an army bunk with my family for two days leaves me looking for something sharp with which to commit seppuku. And while spending my weekend with a bunch of hot guys in uniform souns appealing, you have to remember that (A) my life is more Woody Allen than Falcon Studios (and not the good Woody Allen either. It's more of the bad Scarlet Jo Woody Allen), and (B) cock-blocking is my family's favourite passtime. Anyways, while I'm off wishing that Fleet Week was based on truw events, here's something to tide you over until Saturday.

While I'm not one to toot my own horn, I've published my first piece over at Zombie Forecast, a helpful guide to fortresses during the impending Zombie Apocalypse. (Zombie Forecast)

Get ready to be extremely uncomfortable: Here's fourteen year old Ali Lohan meeting a porn director for an audition. And he has the word "Troll" on his shirt. You do the math. (BWE)

Either Erik Rhodes has a backwards tattoo, or I really am a complete re-re. Although it could just be both. (Slipping Away)

Hayden Pannewhogivesafuck shows us all how much she lover fans. (Galley Slaves)

Here's Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw ripping apart E3. Why? I don't need a fucking reason why. (The Escapist)

That's all for now. See you bitches later.

He's Leaving, On That Midnight Train VW Rabbit to Georgia Camping!

Well, I'm leaving the country to go camping for the weekend, and I'll be back sometime Monday. Until then, you're just going to have to get your unfunny pseudo-news written by a retarded slut somewhere else. Might I suggest Jezebel? Anyways, to keep y'all satisfied, here's one last News On Bar Napkins before I go.

In more Christian Bale news, his mother and sister may or may not be part-time clowns, and his sister may or may not have called his wife a whore. I cannot make this shit up. WIMB

Anne Hathaway's Diaries are being confiscated by the FBI for evidence against her ex-boyfriend. Let the Princess Diaries jokes start in 3, 2, 1...(Celebitchy)

Marc Jacobs is marrying his boyfriend of seven months in Paris this weekend... And then, just to fuck with all of us, he's going to marry Jason Preston and Erik Rhodes. (PR Inside)

In "This Is Complete Bullshit And The American Justice System Is Five Kinds Of Fucked" News, Lawrence King's 14-year old killer is going to be tried as an adult. Double. You. Tea. Eff. (Towleroad)

Nintendo can fucking suck it. This comic pretty much sums up why. (VG Cats)

And Pajiba has some sexy new shirts. Me Likey! (Pajiba!)

So I'm off, see you guys later! Here's something to keep you occupied...



Meep meep meep!

Michelle! Jezebel! Bay's Dark Knight Hell! It's News On Bar Napkins!

While I'm happy that my straight-boi crush Michelle Collins made the list of "Twenty Bloggers We Want To See In Bikinis", this raises quite a few questions. Where are Stacey Nosek and Agent Bedhead? How in the fuck did that Jezebel bitch make the list? And where can I send in my application for "Twenty Bloggers We Want To See in a Speedo"? (URLesque)

And speaking of Jezebel...The two prostitards made an appearance on Thinking and Drinking, and proceeded to shove their feet, legs, and most of their abdomen into their mouths. Let the Flame Wars start in three, two, one... (Huffington Post)

Because I simply refuse to shut up about this movie... Behold Micheal Bay's script for The Dark Knight. Epic Fail imminent. (Defamer)

All Amy Winehous needs now is a giant Zig-Zag and she can turn herself into the world's largest joint. (WIMB)

Having already teamed up with Disney, Square Enix ups the "WTF?" ante by making a game with iPod. GET ON THE HYDRA'S BACK! (Gay Gamer)

Dildos! Sunday Rose! Kylie Minogue! It's News On Bar Napkins!

Know what would have made Wanted even better? James McAvoy's Dildo. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your fantasies. (Now Mag)

Who wants irrefutable proof that God is dead? (BWE)

Congrats to Nicole Kidman for giving birth/a stupid name to daughter Sunday Rose! On a Monday. This makes complete sense. (The Blemish)

Kylie Minogue broke Royal Protocol by shaking hands with Prince Charles. She then proceeded to smash a bottle of vodka over his head and did a kegstand with The Queen. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW SHE ROLLS. (The Daily Mail)