Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Some More Shit I Don't Get

How Bruno Gets An NC-17 While Straight Flicks Get An R

Hate to break it to anyone who thinks otherwise, but I have yet to encounter a legitimate argument as to how being gay is sinful. So far, they've all boiled down to "Well, I think gay sex is icky", which is pretty much on the same mental level of a kindergartner. So to the MPAA I say: Get the fuck off your high horse already. Basically, you're saying a movie can feature someone unloading enough lead into someone to write a textbook, but two dudes consummating their love for each other? Holy shit, everybody panic! Get over yourselves. Gay guys have been fucking each other in the ass since the dawn of time, and so far, the earth is still turning. Although to be fair, the sight of Tyler Saint in the theater may or may not incite me to catapult myself at the screen.

...Yeah, can you tell I don't have a shred of dignity to my name?

Nicolas Cage's Career

After a while, you start asking yourself how people have yet to notice that they've become a walking punchline. I'm sure he's done some pretty decent movies in the past (see: Adaptation), but now all his movies revolve around him running around with bad hair, and occasionally, punching women while dressed like a bear.
(Thanks to Cracked for being awesome)
Yup, that's right: Nicolas Cage has become a Lolcat. Get out while you still can!

Why People Don't Watch Their Goddamn Popcorn While It's Still In The Microwave

Dude, burnt popcorn is fucking DISGUSTING. It takes two friggin' minutes for it to pop, so just stand by it so that your snack doesn't turn into a fucking pile of charred suckness. No one wants to smell your nasty-ass, nasal-rapingly bad popcorn.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Awwwww Snap, It's Lily Allen Cutewatch '09!

Okay, so super-bestie/accomplice in snark Sarah is handling duties over at yeeeah! this week, and you know what that means: Lily Allen Cutewatch '09 is ON motherfucker. So in her honour, and because I'm ridonkulously lazy, here are the ten cutest pictures of Lily Allen.

10. Lily Eats Her Fist

9. Lily's "O" Face

8. Lily's Head Is Attacked By Cotton Candy

7. Lily's Poor Little Dog Has A Cast

6. Lily Has Bunny Ears

5. Lily Is Sick

4. Lily Wants You To STFU

3. Lily's Dog Doesn't Wanna Walk

2. Lily Has A Shiny Vagina

1. Lily In A Ducksuit

And finally, because I think Lily Allen is a very adorable kind of insane, here's the video for her latest single, Not Fair. Cheers!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Kill, Fuck or Marry: I'm Over It, Don't Ask Edition

Hey all! Sorry for last night, it's just been a bad week that I thought was going to be a good week. But whatever. Shit happens, and if you don't let it go, you wind becoming one of those annoying ass suburban emo kids who complain about their lives on livejournal. Yeah, I know, I pretty much just fired a cannon in my little glass house, but you didn't come here for that, you came here to discuss which celebrities you would do unspeakable things to. So without further ado, the rules, bitch!

1. You're given a list of three people
2. You have to choose who to kill, who to fuck and who to marry.
3. Suicide is not an option.
4. You have to do it for both the men AND the women. It's purely hypothetical, so quit being such a pussy.
5. If you need help making up your mind, you can click on the name to see a pic.

Patrick Dempsey, Michael C. Hall, or Simon Baker?

Beyoncé, Alicia Keys or Leona Lewis?

John Cena, Sean Avery or Eli Manning?

Eva Green, Freida Pinto or Penelope Cruz?

Diesel Washington, Chris Rockway or Roman Ragazzi?

Norah Jones, Sara Bareilles or Ingrid Michaelson?

Tom Ford, Marc Jacobs or Jack Mackenroth?

Leave your answers in the comments!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

False Hope

I honestly don't know why I bother getting excited about anything anymore. At this point, it just seems like whenever I get even remotely excited about anything, something really bad happens. It never fails.

I just wish someone would prove me wrong.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


It's been something along the lines of 13 hours since I realized that Amanda has passed, and I still just can't understand why. I mean, she had a husband and a three-year old son, here, you know? He was gonna grow up and go to school and play and laugh and read books and now he doesn't have the sweet, kind, caring mother he deserves to experience it all with him. All I can say is, thank God for Mr. Pink, who I know will go above and beyond to make sure that everyday of his life will be worth it. And I know Amanda is probably up there right now, keeping a watchful eye over them both, while occasionally knocking back a dry martini with Cary Grant.

I think this is the most fitting song to say goodbye to the warrior with. Godspeed, Alabamapink.


I can't believe it. She can't be gone. It's not fair, okay? It's not fucking fair. To her Husband and Son, I'm sorry.

I can't believe she's gone.

R.I.P. Amanda "Alabamapink" Amos.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

So Tired...

Just wrapped up this weeks Eloquent Eloquence for the almighty overlords at Pajiba. So very tired. Therefore, there won't be much in the way of posting tonight. For now, you can either wait until tomorrow and check out the EE round-up, or you can also head over to The Zombie Forecast to check on how we might all potentially die from a menace that doesn't actually exist. Which kinda makes it sound like I'm writing for Fox News. Oh well, here's a random video I pulled out of my ass. Don't fuck with me! I'm on the Penny! I've got nothing to lose!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

More Tests, Less Peeing

Soooo tomorrow I have tests up the motherfreakin' wazoo. One for Marketing, one for Western Civ (at least I think it's tomorrow) and one fore English on The Sorrows of Young Werther, a book that made a bunch of German guys dress up in supergay clothes and commit suicide. I think my English teacher is trying to tell me something. Anyhoodle, as long as it doesn't require peeing in a cup, I'll be fine. For now, enjoy the musical styling of Sara Bareilles performing gravity on The Late Late SHow with Craig Ferguson, which I've been belting out karaoke style in a was-once-full-but-now-mysteriously-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Cheers!

Monday, March 23, 2009

On Getting Tested

So today I spent the day at the clinic getting tested for every conceivable STI I could think of. I'm not exactly a veteran when it comes to this, so it was more or less a day of taking various stabs in the dark.

After reading through various seven-year old copies of O Magazine, I got called in and took the mandatory questionnaire to see how risky I was. I'm glad to report, I'm what is classified as Low-Risk. For the record, I've never had bareback sex or taken any drugs (cigarettes don't count), so this was kind of a given. Still, hooray for condoms (And on a related note: Choke on it, Barebackers)!

First up was the urine test for syphilis and chlamydia. I've never actually had to take a urine test before, since I've never exactly been a very active person in any way, shape or form, so as you would expect, I fucked that up royally. I won't go into details, but let's just say I'm really not too great when it comes to taking one.

Next was the HIV blood test. I'm not exactly one of those people that's scared off by needles, but yeah, can't say I'm too thrilled by them either. All I can say is, WOW that's a lot of blood that comes out of you in so short a time.

After that it was off for a physical where I first found out that you could get chlamydia in the mouth. I mean, yes, I knew you could get herpes up there, but the clap? Jeebus H. I also found out that they make condoms specifically for this purpose, a product I can't really say I've ever seen before. While I'm a big believer in protected sex, I have to say, it seems a little...excessive. Mind you, there is no way in hell I'd ever let some guy fire one off in my mouth, but still, I would be lying if I said I won't think twice about oral next time.

With this new revelation handy, I decided to take what is referred to as a "Throat Culture". Basically, they grab a swab an dab it around the back of your throat. Kind unpleasant in a very "Okay, feel like I'm gonna puke" sorta way, but I was just a tiny bit freaked about that little ol' nugget of info.

Anyways, now begins the waiting period of two to three weeks while I wait for the results. I mean, I feel really healthy and all, but still, you never know. Anyways, just gonna shut up now before my neurosis goes into overdrive and I go all hypochondriac. For now, here's a super bitchin' mashup of the top 25 songs of 2008. Cheers!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Kill, Fuck Or Marry: End Of Movie Week Edition

Ahhhh, it was fun while it lasted. Thanks to Sarah, AVB, Rusty and Marra for working the roundtables with me, but now it's time to get back to what I do best: Inane rambling, lists, and Sunday KFMs.

1. You're given a list of three people
2. You have to choose who to kill, who to fuck and who to marry.
3. Suicide is not an option.
4. You have to do it for both the men AND the women. It's purely hypothetical, so quit being such a pussy.
5. If you need help making up your mind, you can click on the name to see a pic.

Seth Rogen, Jason Segel or Adam Sandler?

Liz Phair, Lisa Loeb or Esthero?

Zac Efron, Shia Laboeuf or Daniel Radcliffe?

Alexis Dziena, Olivia Thirlby or Emma Stone?

Ricky Sinz, Logan McCree, or Manuel DeBoxer?

Rashida Jones, Anna Farris or Thora Birch?

Jason Bateman, Aaron Eckhart or Josh Brolin?

Leave your answers in the comments!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Movie Week Review #5

The Movie: I Love You, Man

My Guest Tonight: Marra Alane

Jeremy: How is that in a week which involved The Rock and gay surfers, this was still the gayest movie of them all?

Marra: I don't know, but goddamn, it was awesomely gay. In fact, that's what I imagine straight guys to be like when they hang out - a bottle of tequila away from fucking each other. And I wouldn't mind watching Jason Seigel and Paul Rudd go at it, either.

And did this movie remind you of You, Me, and Dupree at all? I feel like the plot was sort of the same, except funny and the female lead didn't make me want to murder myself. Like I said before, I was fully prepared to put this movie in the category of 'Pineapple Express', but it was actually pretty funny. Formulaic in the way these Apatowian movies are starting to get, but funny none the less.

Jeremy: To be honest with you? I never actually saw You, Me and Dupree, and I have absolutely no desire to see it either. Mostly because I just really want to throat-punch Kate Hudson.

I mean, of course it was going to be formulaic. I love his movies, but for the most part, bromance movies are pretty much the guy version of the chick flick. It's pretty much the same actors cast in the same roles doing the same shit over and over. But you know what? I love them! They're great! I think for the most part, they're a more accurate portrayal of love and marriage. One of the biggest themes of I Love You, Man is how there IS a difference between your best friend and your girlfriend, and that for either of these relationships to work, you have to be able to identify what that difference is, and sometimes you have to find a balance between the two.

Marra: You're lucky you haven't seen it. It's terrible. But it's similar in the way that Matt Dillon's character is kind of a responsible tool and Owen's character is a lovable man child who's run out of friends. That's pretty much where the similarities end, as YMD is boring and stupid and ILYM is funny and smart.

True, there's something to be said for bromance comedies having the 'right' formula. Yeah, they're all basically about the same thing - growing up - but somehow they lack all the contrivances and bullshit that romcoms have, which is probably why I love them so much. I feel like, even as a woman, these movies are a more realistic portrayal of my own relationships with my friends and significant others than a romantic comedy would ever be.

And can we talk for a second about Jason Seigel, and how he's starting to replace Seth Rogen as the man of my dreams? He was just brilliant in this movie. Hilarious, immature, but also strangely vulnerable - it literally broke my heart to see all of his friends grow up and leave him behind. And Paul Rudd was so good too - I hate that guy, who has no friends of his own except through his girlfriend, but he was so hilariously uncool, and even though he basically played every character he's been the past few years, for some reason it felt fresh and funny.

Jeremy: I have to admit, I've been in love with Jason Seigel ever since he dangled his dong in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I think he was pretty much perfect for the role, because he's hot while still having a vulnerable, emotional side to him. He's like a big ol' teddy bear with whom I would do various unspeakable acts. Paul Rudd was amazing to, but I still think Andy Smaberg and J.K. Simmons were the scene stealers. I love seeing the J.K. get work, mostly because he's funny as hell and he looks like a basset hound. And I LOOOOOOVE basset hounds. Andy Samberg was just hysterical as the straightest gay guy ever. I don't actually watch SNL, but I thought it was nice that he could be hysterically funny without resorting to some half-assed gay minstrel show. Although to be fair, Andy does have a serious case of CSL (Cock-Sucking Lips).

One thing that surprised me was that, for the most part, bromance movies tend to have a greater emotional depth than chick-flicks. In ILYM, the movie revolves around Peter and Sydney growing up and learning to be independent while at the same time learning to bond with eachother in a no bullshit sort of way. Whereas romantic comedies are "Oh sure, I may be happy and financially independent, but that doesn't mean anything unless I have a man in my life to validate my existence!".

Marra: Down south of the border, we call those DSLs. And your right, emotional depth is what separates the chick flick from the bromance. And there were a ton of scene stealers. Every other guy I felt like, "oh yeah! I know him!" Like the Texas hold ’em guy.

Jeremy: Dick, cock, same dif, really. Point is, they're fun to have around. Anyways, one thing I didn't really like about the movie was how generic it was. I mean yeah, I liked it a lot, but at the same time I almost completely forgot about it a couple hours later. Although maybe that's just 'cause I have a supershitty memory. Meh. Maybe it had something to do with how much they focused on the bit characters. Most of them felt like a single joke stretched out a little too far.

Anyways, All in all? I really did like it. The performances were great, Paul Rudd and Jason Seigel make me happy in the pants, the script was hilarious, but it focused a little too much on one-joke characters sometimes. But you know what? It had depth to it, and that's what counts the most.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Movie Weel Review #4

The Movie: Shelter

My Guest Tonight: Genny (Also Rusty) of Rusty's Ventures

Jeremy: Are you as surprised as I was that a gay movie featuring hot, wet, shirtless guys was actually good?

Rusty: It was definitely more subtle and thoughtful than I thought it would be, although that didn't stop my brother (who watched it with me) and I from making a slew of surfing+Brokeback Mountain jokes. (Brokeback Ripcurl, Brokeback Longboard, Brokeback Breaking Point, you get the idea.)

Although I did find the plot a little formulaic as far as romantic dramas go; individual finds out how to love them self through the love of another person. And I called the ending at about mid-way through the movie.

Jeremy: Believe me, Rusty, when it comes to gay movies, that's about the best you can hope for. It's a niche market, so you basically boil it down to basics and apply it to a culture. Thus, the gay movie.

But as far as they go, this one I actually didn't mind too much. You're right, it was subtle, but I kinda felt like the pacing was a little off. It was like, introspection! Surfing Montage! Introspection! Surfing Montage! It felt a bit like they were trying too hard to even out the interaction between characters with shots of sexy, wet guys on surf boards. Oh, and you forgot "Hanging ten inches"!

Rusty: I thought the pacing was weird and heavy on the montages, but my biggest problem with it was lack of character development. I felt Zach was reasonably fleshed out as someone who feels trapped by the responsibilities he's taken on, but the other guy (who's name I could never remember so I just started referring to him as "Budget Brad Pitt") just felt empty to me. Like, ok, he's this successful gay writer who's the older brother of Zach's friend, but why does he do so much for Zach? Why does he send the application, why does he let Zach move in with him after what seemed like a few weeks of dating? Why does he agree to let Zach's nephew stay with them? I thought the movie could've gone a very interesting place by exploring the relationship from Budget Brad Pitt's side a little more and explaining why he had this immediate and deep connection to someone who couldn't be open about their relationship.

Also I thought the reactions of the other characters to Zach's new found sexuality (although it's never spelled out if he's actually gay or bisexual, but since this is officially gay cinema I guess we can assume he's gay) were pretty rosy. I mean, I don't know any girl so tolerant as to be that understanding about being dumped for a man. And while his sister threw around a lot of intolerant language, it seemed like it was out of habit more than hate. Even his best friend was surprisingly OK with his previously straight best friend sleeping with his older brother.

Jeremy: It is a little weird how much BBP does for Zach, but at the same time, I do feel a little bad for him. He seems to be the only thing holding his family together at this point, so it's not like he can really get up and walk away, can he? Although you're right, I don't care how much money you have, letting your boyfriend move in with his six-year old nephew? The sex better be fucking MIND BLOWING.

And you're right. For the most part, the coming out is a little too easy. I mean really, gay, straight, bi, whatever, your best friend dating your older brother? That's kinda weird. I think they could have handled that a bit better. But I felt that the moments where they were alone together were really where the script worked best. It was one of those movies that was actually weighed down by the supporting cast. Zach and BBP had such a great chemistry that when anyone else came into it, it just felt a little stilted. Although the scene where the brother shows up and Zach has to run out of the house was pretty well done.

Rusty: Right, obviously his sister is worthless and just makes a string of pretty bad decisions (like, I don't know, dating a guy who doesn't like kids when you have a kid.) and I can see how he didn't want his nephew to suffer for having the bad luck to have been born to someone clearly incapable of competently raising a child.. I think it was a good gesture of him to stay to try and give the kid a better life, but I also think that it's had to make a child feel good about themselves if that child can tell you resent them because they represent a future you had to give up for them.

And I do think more time could have been spent on the relationship. Zach went from freaked the fuck out after that first drunken kiss to practically jumping BBP the next night, and then being seemingly happy with their relationship afterwards before freaking the fuck out again. I would have liked if there was a little more discussion of him adjusting to the new relationship dynamics, or at least a little awkwardness at the idea of dating a guy. Even if he was attracted to guys there's at least some new techniques to work out if that was the first guy he had ever slept with.

I also felt like characters kind of drifted in and out without any particular rhyme or reason.. Best friend leaves, best friend comes back, girlfriend drifts around like some kind of mopey ghost until at the right moment she comforts Zach and lends an understanding shoulder for him to cry on. But, again, it was only a 90 minute movie and I'm gonna guess that 40 minutes of that was given over to surfing montages, which means there should have been significantly more shirtless scenes in my opinion.

Jeremy: I think this is like the second movie of the week that would have been made exponentially better with more shirtlessness. Anyhoodle, it definitely feels like the secondary characters could have either been fleshed out better or just cut completely. But you're right; they had to cram a sexual awakening and a relationship into a 90 minute made for TV movie. A GAY made of TV movie at that. I think it turned out far better than most other movies of this kind. It's one of the gay communities biggest secrets: Gay movies suck, but as long as they keep throwing us cameos by Matthew Rush and Michael Lucas, we'll fork over the cash and look the other way. I'm looking at YOU, Another Gay Movie!

But you know what? Shelter really was actually pretty good. Who knows, maybe it's gotten to the point where I'm so jaded by the lack of meaningful indie gay cinema that I'll take what I can get. It wasn't exactly Brokeback or Milk, but hey, at least it was meaningful gay cinema.
Rusty: The big thing people forget about equality is that it's not about being spectacular or above and beyond the norm, but about being the norm. This was, frankly, a normal drama about a person learning to love themselves through the love of someone else, and dozens of those go to theater every year. The fact that those dozens of movies happen to feature heterosexual couples is the only real difference, they're not better quality.

And as good as Brokeback was, I really can't see watching it more than once because it just hurts so much. This movie makes a good rainy day movie and sometimes that's all you really want.

Jeremy: I guess that's what equality is all about: Being just as good as everyone else. We're here, we're queer, get adequate!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Movie Week Review #3

The Movie: Ghost World

My Guest Tonight: Anna von Beaverplatz

Jeremy: Anyways, let's start this bitch off so you can see Lost.

How is it that ScarJo got the career and Thora Birch got shit all? The girl was AMAZING.

AVB: I love Thora Birch here as I loved her in American Beauty.. I may have also seen her in The Smokers (although I think I might be thinking of Jawbreaker) and I definitely rented The Hole, which was utterly god-awful, largely because it starred her. I don't know if I can think of it as a shame, though, only because I think it had to do with Thora being more... careful about what she chooses to do than ScarJo, the "hot girl".

Anyway, I love Thora in Ghost World because she takes this essentially unlikable girl and manages to make her (at least a little) a sympathetic character. Enid is too cool for school, both literally and figuratively, but because she's utterly terrified of growing up, so she puts on this hipster facade. Thora gives Enid such a great personality... she gives her all these great little moments where you can see the facade is there to fool herself as much as it is anyone else, and it's not working. There's a moment in the diner when she, Rebecca, and Josh go to watch Seymour get stood up by his "blonde in yellow dress" and he orders a milkshake; she says, "Oh my god, he just ordered a giant glass of milk!" Josh looks at her and snarks, "That's a vanilla milkshake." The look she gets on her face at that moment is so perfect; she realizes she's not fooling her friends, and in turn, in that moment, she can't fool herself. Enid doesn't know how to be a grownup, or even a reasonable facsimile of one; she mimics other's behaviors, but doesn't feel it.. Thora does a beautiful job of conveying that sense of Otherness, of not being comfortable, of being a ghost.

Oops, sorry! That's my pretentious film student side coming out a bit.

Jeremy: Oh don't worry, your film school cred is perfect compliment to my "I have no fucking idea what I'm doing" bit.

I loved Enid, and I thought Thora handed a wonderful portrayal. She's a bit of a bitch, but you love her because for all her snark and wit, she's still trying to figure out where the fuck her life is going. She spends the entire movie watching other people live their lives instead of focusing on hers, so I think it's only fitting that the movie ends with her boarding a bus, having absolutely no idea where she's going.

Steve Buscemi was absolutely incredible to. He's such a loser, and I mean that in that in the best possible way. On the surface, he seems like one of those guys who keeps corpses in the crawlspace of his house, but the more you get into his character, the more you can't help but pull for him.

AVB: Exactly: They're kind of in the same boat. Neither of them has any clue how to go about this life thing. He copes by obsessively collecting stuff; he says as he shows her his record room, "Can't connect with people, so you fill your life with stuff." I loved him in this movie so much. He's like a great character actor: he's in everything and he's always awesome. Like Walken, but a good actor. And I totally agree re: pulling for him. He is, in my mind at least, the most sympathetic character in the film. I related to him much more easily than I did to Enid, who reacted to her surroundings in a very childish way.
Perhaps it's my advanced age; I'm past double Enid's, and around Seymour's, so probably I just understand his desire to find some way to fit in with my surroundings, since I know I'll always feel out of place.. I think that's kind of the point, really- she reacts childishly because she's still just coming off of being a child. I think that's why she tells Seymour how great it would be to just "go off to some random place and disappear".. Doesn't each of us at some point want to run away, and don't we all imagine things would be different if we did? We would somehow be more ...real? More adult? More able to find someone who is like us, who gets us?

Jeremy: I think everyone secretly feels out of place, and that everyone feels like running away and becoming a new person. Not becoming someone else, but more like becoming the person you've always seen yourself as, instead of the person you've become. I think that's more or less what it means to grow up: it's like becoming the person you want to be.

When I picked up Ghost World, a lot of people told me some totally bogus bullshit along the lines of "Oh, if you loved Napoleon Dynamite, you'll love this movie". Which kind of worried me because Napoleon Dynamite was pretty much one of the biggest pieces of shit I had ever seen. If anything, what they should have said was "If you hated Napoleon Dynamite, you are going to fucking love the shit out of this movie". Ghost World was like the Anti-Dynamite. Instead of focusing on bullshit hipster dialogue, it focused on character development and watching as Enid and Seymour grow up and figure out where their life was going. I also doesn't hurt that the dialogue was pure genius. The characters in Ghost World were by far quirkier than Dynamite's, but they were also much better developed. I mean, we can go on and on about how psychologically fucked Enid is, and all we have to go on with Napoleon is "Oh look, he says 'Gosh' and eats Tater Tots. Die."

AVB: Bahahahah! Well, don't fake internet break up with me, but I'm in the minority of people who enjoyed Napolean Dynamite. I saw it as a kind of takeoff on the whole John Hughes milieu, but instead of having all these uber-hip suburbanite kids, it was peopled with their rural/dullard counterparts. I enjoyed the hell out of it in that sense. However, I canNOT even FATHOM how somebody could compare the two in any way, shape, or form. Those people should be murdered to death. Ghost World is an amazing film, and you're absolutely right about the dialogue: genius.

You know, I almost forgot to mention how much I loved Illeana Douglas as the art teacher. She is another actor that I love to see pop up in things. I think she's terrific. And too funny that Teri Garr shows up, uncredited no less.

I love the music, too, the piano-and-strings stuff really made it feel even more lonely. And I totally adore the opening scene, with the Indian movie! I want to watch that movie now, too! And the old blues stuff is great. I love that scene in the bar with "Blueshammer" and how just disgusted Seymour gets. "We're gonna give you some deep delta blues!" Ugh. I was disgusted right along with him.

Jeremy: Oh God, you actually LIKED Napoleon Dynamite? I think we need to take a fake internet break, sug. I just hated it because it focused more on stupid catch phrases than it did on characters or plot.

Although the Art Teacher? Loved her. She was a nice critique on how you could take a shit on a paper plate, but as long as you slapped some heavy-handed message on it, it's ART.

Anyways, back on topic, (since I know Lost starts soon and I wanna rap this up before it comes on). One of the things I loved about the movie was that it was just so bare bones. It's a small movie that takes place in a small town, and it doesn't try to hide the mundanity of the setting. What makes this a great movie is that it never takes the focus off what really matters here, which is the characters. They're complete social inepts, but it's all about them finally coming to grips with the fact that yes, they are adults now, and one of the parts of being an adult is figuring out what exactly the fuck that means to you. In that respect, Ghost World is the quintessential coming of age story, whether your a recent high school graduate or a forty-year old with a bitchin' record collection and no social life. Anything you want to add before you run off to catch Lost?

AVB: I'm going to totally agree with you on the mundane small town setting. That is almost a character in itself, and works to underscore the whole feeling of "oh, god, what am I going to do with my life?" that everyone has at some point. I like that they deal with that in different ways, with Seymour going to therapy to learn to be comfortable in his own skin, and Enid running away to try to find someplace she's comfortable in hers.

Anything I want to add? Honey, I could write a 20-page paper about this movie. But, Lost is coming on soon, so I'll just reiterate that I love this movie. I love movies that make me feel lonely, because they also make me remember that other people feel the same way, which makes me feel less lonely. I'm a woman of contradictions, what can I say? Hence my love for both good movies and utter crap. I like to think it makes me a well-rounded individual. Rather than a crazy person with no taste.

Jeremy: We'll work on the 20-page paper next movie week! Thanks for your time, AVB!

AVB: Aw, thanks for inviting me! I had fun. I know I'm no Sarah Larson, but I hope you did too!

We Interrupt Movie Week To Bring You This Important Announcement


Yes, as of today, the gays have taken a page out of Stacey Nosek's book and have made Webster's THEIR bitch by changing the definiton of "Marriage" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary! Do you have any idea what that means? Left is right, up is down, dogs and cats living together, it's chaos I tells you! MAYHEM! Surely God will wipe us off the face of the earth!


Wait a minute...we're all still here! Nothing bad happened! I'm starting to think that all these anti-gay marriage advocates are just a bunch fear mongering bigots blaming the bible for their prejudices. Hmmmmm...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Movie Week Review #2

Today's Flick: Dead Like Me: Life After Death

Why the fuck do all my favourite TV series end up as DVD movies? Futurama gave birth to four of them (three of which I would prefer to think never existed), and Arrested Development is even getting the Big Screen treatment. Like any good show, Dead Like Me recently was given new life* as a straight-to-DVD movie. But was it any good?

Short Story: Yeah, it’s pretty good. (Suck it, Lainey and Cameron!)

Long Story: It takes a pretty ballsy leap from its source material to create a movie that’s on par with the series itself, without leaning so heavily on fan service that they start working the balls with one hand while cranking the shaft with the other.
If anything, any hope of fan service is pretty much taken into a back alley, beaten to within an inch of its life and left face down in a gutter within the first five minutes as Der Waffel Haus is burnt to the ground and the group finds out that Rube, their old boss, has moved on to the afterlife. Instead, they get saddled with a smarmy ass business man who begins fucking up their reaps while spoiling them senseless. Rules are broken, people die in cartoony ways...you get the drift.

Change is one of the biggest themes of the movie, and ultimately, it’s both Life After Death’s greatest strength and its biggest weakness.

My biggest problem with ¾ of Futurama’s DVD predecessors was that it just didn’t feel like it was part of the series. It tried too hard to fit in with the rest of it, it ended up turning into what can almost be described as a self-aware parody of what Futurama was. Life After Death feels more like a final goodbye to the audience, rather than some crappy drawn out “Oh look! We still got it! Let us back on the air, you assholes!”

Granted, it wasn’t exactly perfect. For the most part, it felt like the writers were trying to squeeze ten pounds of sugar into a five pound bag. Sure, what’s there is plenty good, but it’s just too much trying to be crammed into it. The result is that the story doesn’t feel like it’s as fleshed out as it should be.

One other problem? Not-Daisy. For some ass-backwards reason, they couldn’t sang the original actress who portrayed Daisy, so apparently they decided “Oh, let’s just throw some other blond bitch in there. Nobody’ll notice!”

We do. Compared with the rest of the cast, she’s painfully wooden in her delivery, and even the character herself doesn’t serve much of a purpose in the movie, other than looking pretty and acting slutty. And on a side note to Mandy Patinkin, what the fuck man? You get kicked off of Criminal Minds, and now this? You must have really shit the bed on this one, huh?

But all in all, Life After Death does justice to the series. It’s less of a rip-off of the old series, and more like a new direction for something great. It’s different, yes, but I would still take it over some eager to please fan-service that most people would shit out for the masses. It’s refreshing as hell, really, and we could really use a little more of it.

Oh, and did I mention Mason slices someone up with a fucking Chainsaw? Hells yeah.

*HA! I hate myself.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Movie Week Review #1

The Movie: Race To Witch Mountain

My Guest Tonight: Sarah Larson, of www.anglesearoad.com

Jeremy: Alrighty, so first things first: We can both pretty much agree that the only reason to see this is because The Rock, right?

Sarah: Well, that's certainly what I thought before I actually went to see it. I didn't know who else was in it, except that little blonde girl from The Bridge to Terabithia movie and that other one where she runs around dirty and heralding the apocalypse or whatever. But aaaanyway, I thought this movie was actually pretty cute. Maybe this is because I went in with expectations in the negative integers and was pleasantly surprised by the cheesy goofiness, or maybe it was because I was forced to drag three tiny tots along with me and ANYTHING is better than listening to them bicker over whose bag has more goddamn popcorn in it.

Jeremy: For the most part? It was just...okay? I know that's kind of a boring term here, but that's all it really was. I mean, Johnson's previous kiddie flick, The Game Plan, actually had a genuine warmth to it. This one was pretty much a kiddie-fied Bourne Identity.

Sarah: I never saw The Game Plan. I did, however, see Escape to Witch Mountain when I was, like, six or seven. This movie? Much better. Or funnier, at the very least. I mean, c'mon... Julius Caesar was the government henchman! That's funny! Also, I know this won't mean anything to you because you're only like fifteen and a half years old, but that Natty Gann bit was great. And Dwayne Johnson pulls off that charming smart-mouth humour very well, and Carla Gugino is very pretty.

Jeremy: Fuck you! I am totally legal, jerkface! But yes, Dwayne Johnson oozes charisma out of every pore of his sexy-ass body. Seriously, I may or may not have screamed out "MY GINY TICKLES!" in front of a bunch of nine-year olds. They were less than pleased. Fucking Mickey Mouse...Carla Gugino gave a decent performance, but she just didn't make much of an impact. She just seemed more like the written-in love interest/foil to Dwayne.

Sarah: Dude... it's a Witch Mountain movie. It ain't s'posed to blow yer mind or nuthin'. Frankly, we're damn lucky we got man-pretty and pretty-pretty, plus funny and charming to boot. Have you SEEN the original? I never liked that movie. Even in first grade, I could recognise a hot mess when I saw one. This movie didn't make me think or really impress me in any way whatsoever, but it was painlessly amusing, which is a lot to be thankful for when you're talking about a movie designed for tiny tots. The three kids I was forced to take with me really, REALLY loved it. The oldest girl did, however, have the following critique to offer: "It was really fun, but it was a little long. I think they could've trimmed it down some." She is eight years old. I think she should be immediately made head of at least one major movie studio.

But whatever. Clearly, the most important thing going on in the entire movie was Dwayne Johnson standing around, or sitting around, or walking around, or especially when they showed his ass crawling into that tunnel. He's always been pretty hot, but he's much hotter now that he doesn't wrestle anymore so he's not so bulky and veiny and hulking. I'd let him do a litany of dirty things to me.

Jeremy: I know it was a kid's movie, but then again, so was Coraline, and that movie rocked me so hard I needed a post-coital cig. This one? Entertaining, sure, but it was just so freaking forgettable.

The car chase was really well put together, but for most of the action sequences, the camera was moving around like the guy was filming with one hand and jacking off to The Rock with the other. Not that I can blame him. I mean holy shit, I want to tie The Rock down Lilliputian-style and ride him like a fucking mechanical bull. But still, for an action movie? There really wasn't that much action.

Sarah: Well, they can't all be Coraline. I'm not exactly sure why they can't all be Coraline, but that's just one of the many things wrong with the world. Maybe being around a horde of children since 6am made me numb and complacent in the face of a blissful dark room where they sat still for two hours, but I was just grateful it was mildly entertaining and not something that made my headache worse.

And I disagree with EVERYTHING going on in your second paragraph, crazypants. I would never tie The Rock down, Lilliputian-style or otherwise, because I wouldn't want to limit my options. I'd rather he remain unbound and free to express the full range of his creativity all over my person (preferably repeatedly). Oh, and Race to Witch Mountain? Not really an action movie. It never counts as a real action movie when it's made for second graders. Plus, one of the writers also had a hand in Live
Free or Die Hard, so clearly he wouldn't know a real action movie if it punched him in the face.

Jeremy: Hmmmm...touche. But then again, what did you expect? Anyways, for a kiddie movie, you have to admit, there was quite a bit of action in it. I mean, it had a car chase, it had Dwayne Johnson fighting an alien thing that looked like it had a chode for a head...Although it can't really be called an action flick if The Rock doesn't bother removing his shirt for the entire friggin' movie. Although staring directly at Johnson's bum while he was crawling around a pipe? Hells yeah, bitch! Is it weird that everything we have to say about the movie revolves arond how much we want to totally bang The Rock?

The kids did a pretty good job too, I suppose. Then again, it doesn't exactly take much to talk in robotic exposition while looking blonde and confused. But it's hard to hate on them because when they finally do start showing some range at the end of the movie, they're pretty good. And poor Cheech. How exactly does the guy go from stoner symbol too Cameo in a Disney Movie? Is Jiminey Cricket his dealer or something?

Sarah: Ugh. FINE. I suppose there was a good bit of action, considering that it WAS made for second graders. But since none of the action involved decapitation or gutting people, and The Rock never took off that stupid grey t-shirt, it was not the kind of action in which I was particularly interested. I liked the goofy/lame-o bits better. And no, it is not weird that everything we have to say revolves around how much we want to totally bang The Rock. It would be weird as hell if everything we had to say didn't revolve around that.

And I like that AnnaSophia Robb girl, in spite of her stupid dumb name. I had never heard of that Ludwig kid before, but he didn't make me hope for his character's gory death or anything. He did seem to somewhat favour a squinty-ish, sort of constipated countenance, but there was no actual facial scrunching going on so it didn't bug me too awful much.

Jeremy: I think that was the biggest problem with the movie. It was just too...vague, really. It tried to be an action movie, but it was too soft. It tried to be a kid's movie, but it was too violent. I suppose if you can watch it without trying to lump it into a genre, you can probably better appreciate it for what it is. Although admittedly, it definitely could have used a Dwayne Johnson nude scene. Or at least more shots of his ass.

So all in all? It's a passable popcorn flick. Take the kids to see it. They'll love it, and you'll get an hour and a half of silence while you blow The Rock with your eyes. Don't have kids? Wait until it comes out on DVD or HD-DVD or Netflix or however the fuck you people watch movies nowadays. But hey, it's all worth it for The Rock.

Sarah: Mmm. Blow The Rock with my eyes. I see The Game Plan is on Netflix's insty-watch doodad... it was decent, you say? Did shirtlessness happen? I think I really need to get The Rundown on DVD. And all I have to say about that upcoming Tooth Fairy movie is that it had goddamn better have some nakedness in it. Elementary school kids are very sophisticated these days! They play with Bratz dolls! They can take it! And I need it.

Jeremy: Indeed, kids these days? Whores. Big Whores. Anyways, thanks for your time Sarah! Enjoy fantasizing about The Rock's...thing that rhymes with "rock".

Sarah: Whores, indeed. Especially those fourth grade sluts. Thanks Jeremy! Now if you will excuse me, I'll be in my bunk.

...thinking about a sock.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Kill, Fuck Or Marry: Lack Of Freakin' Sleep Edition

I think I got all of three hours of sleep last night for absolutely no discernible reason. Glurg, I do not function well at all without sleep. Gets me feelin' all stab-ey and such. Anyways, here's a new KFM to make it all better.

1. You're given a list of three people
2. You have to choose who to kill, who to fuck and who to marry.
3. Suicide is not an option.
4. You have to do it for both the men AND the women. It's purely hypothetical, so quit being such a pussy.
5. If you need help making up your mind, you can click on the name to see a pic.

Pharrell Williams, Sean “Slug” Daily or Sam Sparro?

Halle Berry, Gwyneth Paltrow or Winona Ryder?

Taylor Kitsch, Ian Somerhalder or Milo Ventimiglia?

Reese Witherspoon, Kirsten Dunst or Charlize Theron?

Jeremy Hall, Jason Ridge or Brent Everett?

Pink, Jemina Pearl or Brodie Dalle?

James Franco, Neil Patrick Harris or Russel Brand?

Leave your results in the comments.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

My Name is Anne, I've Got A Plan

Okay, so I promised that this week I would get back to regular blogging, and I aim to please. As such, I've decided this week will be Review Week, as the Pajiban Leaders have ventured off to the Holy Land know as SXSW, while the unworthy are left on the weekend hijack thread. Also because I'm on Spring Break, so I have way too much free time on my hands. Anyways, the list of movies up for review this week are...

Monday: Race To Witch Mountain

Tuesday: Dead Like Me: Life After Death

Wednesday: Ghost World

Thursday: Shelter

Friday: I Love You Man

Of course, this is open to change, depending on my mood and such. But why am I telling you all this? Simple. For those of you interested in doing a roundtable discussion on any of these movies with me, you can sign up by following these totally easy steps!

1: Watch the movie (Kind of a no-brainer, huh?)

2: Send me an email at notesonbarnapkins@hotmail.com, or by reaching me on Twitter.

3: Leave your email or whatever way you want to go about this bitch, as well as the movie you want to talk about.

Basically, you and me will have a back and forth, blah blah blah, the roundtable review for the movie will be posted at the appropriate date with full credits to you. Interested yet? Anyways, sign up now!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Oh Shut Up. Baby Animals Are AWESOME.

Little Baby Animals doing adorable things is as Pajiban as whiskey and David Beckham's golden balls (read: his ass). Anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist and must be shot point blank in the face.

Also, I'm super lazy this week. Like REALLY lazy. I'll get back to regular blogging next week. For now: The Cuteness.

And now that I have your attention, Quebec is currently being called the Puppy Mill Capital of Canada, which pisses me off to no end. Seriously, the stuff some people do to these poor little guys is sickening. I'm not asking you to run out and start throwing buckets of red paint at people, just watch the video and learn a little bit about the conditions they're in here.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Crying Sound

Good evening, people wandering aimlessly through the blagonets!

Not exactly a whole lot to go on about today. I got back tests and whatnot from all my courses so far, and as of today, I'm doing surprisingly well. Considering that I thought "Not totally failing" would count as "Doing Well", I think I exceeded expectations here. The marks thus far

Cal II Test: 78.3%

Research Methods Assignment: 87.5%

Western Civ Test: 84%

English Test: 83.33%

Marketing Test: 77.1%

So as you can see, not bad.

Also, I just finished watching the episode of Buffy called "Body". For those of you who need a reminder...


Buffy's Mom Dies

All I can say is, holy crap did that ever kill me. I'm kind of a hot mess right now, tears and all. Stupid Buffy, making me cry and such. Crap.

Anyways, that's all for tonight. To play you out, here's The Yeah Yeah Yeahs new video for Zero. Cheers!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm Lazy. Here's Something Shiny To Play With In The Meantime

Hey all! Apparently, if the comments are any indication, y'all love yourselves some Becks. So while I work on updating the Jukebox, here's a gratuitous photo-dump of Becks in all his semi-naked glory. Cheers!

And of course, the blessed pic that set many a Pajiban Panties ablaze...

Monday, March 9, 2009

The 10 Dumbest Celebrity Tattoos

#10 - Francois Sagat, Scalp

While there are about a million and one really stupid porn tattoos out there, I’m really only going with this one because it looks it probably hurt like a BIIIIIITCH. It would probably be a little higher up on the list if it wasn’t for the fact that when my hairline starts receding, I’m probably gonna be the first in line for a full scalp tattoo. Hey, when it comes to baldness, there is no way in hell I’m going gentle into that good night.

#9 - Amy Winehouse, Daddy's Girl

I have to admit, Ii actually kinda like Amy’s tattoos, but when you have to start drawing bras onto your tattoos for a live telecast, that’s where I draw the line. And I mean really, Daddy’s Girl? Those are some issues I don’t even wanna go into.

#8 - David Beckham, Brooklyn

IF you can pry your eyes away from Beckham’s super happy fun land for all of two seconds, you might notice the fact that he tattooed his sons name OVER HIS ASS. Is it hotter than sweet holy fuck? Yes, yes it is, but having your son’s name six inches from your asshole is fucking WEIRD.

#7 - Pete Wentz, The Nightmare Sleeve

Fun fact of the day: Pete Wentz is such a complete fucking tool, that he even makes a sleve tattoo inspired by The Ngithmare Before Christmas look insanely douchetastic. So yeah, fuck you Pete Wentz for ruining The Nightmare Before Christmas. Asshole.

#6 - Steve-O, Steve-O

What’s dumber than getting a tattoo of a celebrity? A celebrity getting a tattoo on himself. Steve-O is practically a spring of stupid fucking ink, but the self-portrait on his back makes me want to punch him in the throat until he stops breathing.

#5 - Jessica Alba, Ass Bow

Ladies and gentlemen, Alba’s Ass! It slices, it dices, and it now comes wrapped up with a bow for your viewing pleasure! Supplies are limited, so call now! Alba’s Ass! Have you got yours today?

#4 - Brody Jenner, Jenner

In case you’re wondering, no, that’s not a symbol of narcissism on Brodie Jenner’s side. That was actually drawn on in case he ever forgot his name. Eh? EH? Cuuuuuuuuuz he’s stupid! Thank you, I’m here all week.

#3 - Boy George, Scalp Clusterfuck

What better way to convince the jury at your trial that you are completely innocent of kidnapping and beating a rentboy than by showing up with a clusterfuck of tattoos on your head? Yeah, that’s really gonna sell your defense. Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you go ahead and eat a baby while you’re on the stand? That’ll REALLY show ‘em! (Edit: Whoops! Sorry, when I was writing the article, I couldn't access the pic, so I was going on memory here. Thank Tamatha for the catch! Seriously, open mouth, insert big stupid foot.)

#2 - Mike Tyson, Face

It’s a tattoo. That takes up half his fucking face. ‘Nuff said.

#1 - Tila Tequila, Skankiest Tattoo In The World

Tila Tequila is everything that is wrong with the world today. Need proof? Check out her stupid fucking heart tattoo, which pretty much looks like an amalgamation of every single slut tattoo ever put to ink. My God, she literally looks you can buy her for $49.99 at your local porn shop, then take her home and inflate the bitch.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Kill, Fuck Or Marry: Day Light Savings Time Edition

There's really nothing special about this DSL edition, I just figured that since I'm now on my sixth KFM, I need to start tagging on real names instead of shitty little numbers. Anyways, rules and names!

1. You're given a list of three people
2. You have to choose who to kill, who to fuck and who to marry.
3. Suicide is not an option.
4. You have to do it for both the men AND the women. It's purely hypothetical, so quit being such a pussy.
5. If you need help making up your mind, you can click on the name to see a pic.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Channing Tatum or Chris Pine?

Portia de Rossi, Jenna Fischer or Amy Poehler?

Hugh Jackman, Javier Bardem or Jeffrey Dean Morgan?

Samantha Bee, Katie Couric or Rachel Maddow?

Roman Heart, Cameron Marhsall or Josh Vaughn?

Duffy, Santigold or M.I.A.?

Paul Rudd, John Krasinski or Jason Mewes?

Leave your answers in the comments!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Spay and Neuter Your Idiots!

You know what I hate the most about annoying kids? Their parents.

I know, I know, it's unfair to blame the parents for everything. Some responsibility should go to the kids, too, seeing as how you sometimes have to call a spade a spade, or in this case, an annoying little shit an annoying little shit.

The beautiful part of working in a restaurant is that there is no end to the amount of crazy we see. I have two theories as to why this is. The first is that crazy people are drawn to monotonous environments in the hopes of absorbing it via osmosis. The second is that said monotony, when used as a backdrop, only emphasized the level of one's banaramabatshitinsanity. Of course, both of them could be right, but let's not go crazycakes here.

Anyways, point is, annoying kids flock to us like Anne Coulter's vagina to anyone who will further her career*. Case in point, today we had a group of kids who decided that the lobby, where we have customers wait while we set up their table, was a very good place to play full-contact tag. And before you ask, their parents were sitting on the sidelines doing a whole mess o' nothing.

Parents of unruly kids usually fall into one of three camps:

1) Parents who think their precious little snowflakes are simply the bees knees, despite the fact the only areas they excel in are "False sense of entitlement" and "Amount of chins".

2) The Nanny 911 crowd, who act like they will be mercilessly curb-stomped by a group of tiny little hoodlums should they ever say no.

3) The Fuckits, who have given up on raising their children and have resigned themselves to work, smoke, and wait for the sweet, icy embrace of the abyss. Or their kids moving out. Whichever comes first, really.

I'm not asking for your kids to be the fucking Von Trapp family here, but for fuck's sake, would it kill you to get your kids to sit still and not shriek for five minutes?

While I managed to get the kids to calm down by asking them not to run around in a packed lobby (A feat which apparently AMAZED their parents), their have been some goddamn horror stories. The worst I heard thus far was a five year old who actually ran around the kitchen, while his father (who was part of group one) got all pissy at the floor manager for having the gall to ask him to be a competent parent. Needless to say, the kid eventually ran into one of the waiters while he was carrying coffee, and the little shit recieved a Double Venti painuccino in the face. Of course, the father got pissed at us, but hey, if someone tells you not to jump in the tub with a working hairdryer, don't be pissed when your doing the electric jitterbug during bathtime.

The point I'm trying to make is, childish people should not have children. So please, do everything in your power to ensure that stupid people never, ever, EVER procreate. Thank you.


Thursday, March 5, 2009

Saturday Morning Watchmen Cartoon? FUCK YEAH!

I ended up reading Watchmen in it's entirety today. My eyes are sore as hell, but my God was it worth it. As such, here's one last post for the night: The Saturday Morning Watchmen Cartoon.

But Will There Be Cake?

Today is "Post Music On Your Blog Day", as decreed by my IIB, Lord Thundercox, so in the holiday spirit, I'm posting music on my blog. Score!

Imogen Heap - Headlock

The Go! Team - Milk Crisis

Annie - I Know UR Girlfriend Hates ME

Neko Case - People Got A Lotta Nerve

Feist & Ben Gibbard - Train Song

New Found Glory - Kiss Me

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dude? Don't Be A Douche

You know you've made it in the Blagonets when you've got anonymous trolls posting on your blog. And yesterday, I totally scored my first! Awesome!

Which brings me to the subject of tonights post: The ever elusive troll. While some trolls can be successfully integrated into society by turning them into a harmlessly lovable member (See: Pookie), most tend to wander the internet with the sole purpose of just douchin' it up.

But maybe Anonymous has a point. You are all paying good money to read this, so I really should make it worth your hard-earned cash. Oh wait, that's right, it's free! Well, if you're all legally mandated to come here, I suppose it is my civil duty to make it worth your while. Oh wait, that's right, no one is forcing you at gunpoint to come here are they?

I know my blog isn't exactly Tina Fey material here, but come on, if you don't like something on the internet, there's a little red X in the upper right hand corner of your screen. Click it instead of being a whiny pussy and posting anonymous comments on some shitty backwoods blog. Or better yet, go back to googling images of dragons fucking cars or whatever weird shit it takes to get you off.

Point is, the internet is goddamn infinite. Complaining about one dinky little music player is like being offered a cookie and then bitch slapping them because they don't have the correct dough-to-chip ratio. If you don't like something, to quote my IIB, gee tee eff oh. Point is, dude? Don't be a douche.

And by the way, I fucking LOVE my music. As a matter of fact, here's some more music. Die.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Hells Yeah, Bitch!

I picked up the new Neko Case CD today, which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's been following my on Twitter, considering that I've been pimping it out like it's going out of style. Thankfully, I was not disappointed. I won't even bother reviewing it. Look at the artwork for the album above. That shit speaks for itself.

I also got the compilation album from Dark Was The Night. If you haven't picked it up yet, you have a week to get it before I hunt you down and murder you in the face. Not only is it amazing, bit it also goes to benefit the Red Hot Foundation, which helps those with HIV/AIDS. Pick it up, or you have no heart and/or taste.

And finally, am I the only one who had no idea that the new Dead Like Me movie dropped today? I have it under fairly good authority (*coughCameronMarshallCough*) that it's not that bad, even if Rube is gone and the actress who played Daisy is out of the picture. Still, it wouldn't hurt going out and picking it up, would it?

Monday, March 2, 2009

Why I Refuse To Let My Mother Anywhere Near Blogger

Aside from the fact that my blog is filled with enough self-hatred, booze-driven rants and gay porn stars to give the poor bitch an aneurysm, there's also this pleasant exchange we had after I got home from kickboxing.

Mom: Did you accept Kahlua as a friend on Facebook?

Me: You created a Facebook page for our dog?

Mom: Yup. So did you accept her or not?

Me: Oh dear God, I think you just launched a new generation of cyberspinsters.

Mom: Fuck off.

Me: Spinster 2.0. Spinster Vista.

Mom: I get it. Ha. Funny. Now go take a shower, you smell like ass.

I'm afraid to ponder what kind of fuckery this new wave of tech-savvy spinsters will inflict upon us. I'm going to assume it involves Twitter.

Also, Lord Thundercox, if you're reading this, marry me. I'm sorry, but you KFM answers yesterday made me laugh hysterically in the middle of school. It also doesn't help that our sex would be fucking earth-shattering, and that Thundercox is a bitchin' last name. Word.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Kill, Fuck Or Marry #5

Happy freakin' Sunday, everyone! It's way too early for me to be up, but whatevs, I'm awake, so it's time for another Kill, Fuck Or Marry. Aaaaaaaand go.

1. You're given a list three people
2. You have to choose who to kill, who to fuck and who to marry.
3. Suicide is not an option.
4. You have to do it for both the men AND the women. It's purely hypothetical, so quit being such a pussy.
5. If you need help making up your mind, you can click on the name to see a pic.

Daniel Craig, Gerard Butler or Matt Damon?

Emily Haines, Jenny Lewis or Karen O?

Matthew Rush, Francois Sagat or Tyler Saint?

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt or Rosario Dawson?

James Marsters, David Boreanaz, Nicholas Brendon?

Ellen Pompeo, Kristin Chenoweth or Mary-Louise Parker?

Sydney Crosby, Andy Roddick or Derek Jeter?

As always, leave your answers in the comments. Get crackin', crackers.