Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Pajiba Love: Not Just A Gay Sex Position

Alright, so a few new developments:
Yeah, that's me with a cupcake on my head for no reason.

#1: I've been hired to write on yet another site. The best part about it? It's Pajiba. Seriously, considering that this is the blog that pretty much convinced me to get into blogging, this is all kinds of fucking amazing. I'm on as the writer for Pajiba Love alongside Stacey, so for those of you wondering, yes, she's still there too! That being said, if you ever have a neat little link or a funny video, or if you need me to rig an online competition for you, I'm your guy. And of course you can also check me out on popbytes too. I'm pretty sure I already said that, but what the fuck ever, it bears repeating.

#2: So the shooting part of my new site begins FRIDAY. Which is technically tomorrow, give or take, so yeah, EXCITEMENT! To be honest, scheduling as been a bit of a hassle, what with changes of plans, raising money, finding equipment...But whatever, it's finally happening! Thankfully, I managed to tack a second one on too, this one in partnership with another site which means it's free bitches. Huge load off my mind.

#3: The Toronto move is moving along...sort of. I have two places I'll be looking at this weekend, and they're both in nice neighbourhoods, so chances are I'll be grabbing at least one of them. And even better: I'll be marching along in the Pride parade on Sunday along with the Pride Marshalls, Mandy Goodhandy and Todd Klinck. And for those of you who are saying they don't deserve it or are in any way trying to detract from this: Please line up and bite the fattest part of my dick.

#4: There actually is no number four. I just typed it and then was too lazy to backspace it. It's probably more work to write all of this rather than just deleting it, but shut up your face. So instead, here's a music video dedicated to someone. All I'll say is: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Cannonball Read Entry #29: Candy Girl - Diablo Cody

Back in 2007, a little movie called "Juno" came out to adoration of indie movie lovers everywhere. It was a well-written coming of age tale about a girl who grows up amidst an unplanned pregnancy and learns that yes Virginia, there is a Great Love. Hell, even Dan Carlson titled his review of it "I Didn’t Think I’d Find You Perfect In So Many Ways". Hell, if that's not a sparkling recommendation, I don't know what is.

But then Juno made the ultimate mistake in indie cinema: it became successful. The success of Juno was like blood in the water for prentious hipster snobs everywhere, who descended upon the movie and all those involved of the white-hot wrath that can only be fueled by Caffeine-Free Skinny Chai Tea Lattes, ironic facial hair and Apple products. Diablo Cody was a sell-out, the character of Juno was unrealistic, and the dialogue was "too quirky". What they didn't seem to realize was that Cody was simply good at her job, Juno's non-adherence to the traditional teenage model was what made her reliable in the first place, and that most people will never in their lives pen anything nearly as flawless as Juno.

In many ways, Cody's memoir, Candy Girl, confirms all of this. A veteran of north-western titty-emporiums, Cody's book goes into detail about her various stints as a stripper among the strip clubs in a small, white bread town. This is offset by her burgeoning romance with her eventual husband Johnny and her relationship with his daughter.

I'm sure this must come as a shock to you, but I found the entire thing to be absolutely brilliant. No lying here: Candy Girl was what inspired me to originally step into the world sex-for-cash. Say what you will, but in my mind Diablo was living breathing proof that someone could proudly wear the badge of a sex-worker and be accepted by mainstream society. Hell, they gave her an Oscar. A fucking Oscar dude.

For those concerned with whether or not Cody's uniquely floral speech pattern, well you better believe it's on, homeskillet. But much like Juno's preggo eggos, the cutesy quirks are meant to move the story along and establish her voice and personality, rather than a useless device meant to be clever for clever's sake.

Furthermore, the way she portrays her gig is never derogatory or judgmental; the way she sees it, it's just another job. Mind you, one with more money and less clothes, but a job nonetheless. Her departure from the game has nothing to do with a descent into drugs/booze/sex, but rather, a simple realization that she's just done with it. It's not for her anymore, so she's moving on.

If you're going to write off Juno or Candy Girl for anything, you're going to have to do a lot better than saying it's unrealistic. Or quirky. Or cutesy. Because guess what? All the best stories are.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Fool Me Twice

I recently decided to trust someone again I shouldn't have trusted. Guess how well that went?

I won't name names, mostly because I'm pretty sure that's exactly the sort of thing he wants. But here's what happened: He lied to me, and I (under the assumption he actually cared about me) believed him. Fast forward two days: My best friend will barely talk to me and I'm getting insulting emails. Why? Because I believed you.

So yeah, this? Right here? Consider this the last time I let you fuck up my life. You want to run around harping on everyone else because you think the world owes you something? Fine. You want to bitch me out everytime you feel jealous that I'm getting attention from other guys? Fine. You want me to feel bad about myself because I have my own ideas and thoughts? Also fine. But you and me? Through. Done. Not happening ever again. You've hurt a lot of people and I'm the one stuck with the blame here.

Right now, I feel stupid for trusting you, I'm getting shit from anyone over it, and where are you in all of this? Whatever dude. I'm just sick of you attacking everyone. I can't believe I let your negativity into my life and now I'm stuck apologizing for you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: bye.

Monday, June 21, 2010

If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

There's a reason I don't get into public feuds with people: I hate fighting. It's never been my strong suit. I've spent most of my life going as far out of my way as possible to avoid conflict, but apparently not far enough.

I have a bad habit of letting people into my life who, while well meaning, usually bring enough baggage with them to crash a fucking plane. I like to believe in the best in people, but it's a little hard when they're trying to make me believe the worst in people. Lately, I've been hearing shit from everyone about everyone else, and right now, the only thing I can believe is that everyone hates everyone and I have little to no fucking clue as to what's going on anymore.

So yeah, lesson learned: Stay away from other people's fighting an feuding and all that other bullshit. Let's face it: At this point, I have 99 problems; 100 if you count the bitch. Why do I need to start bringing in other people's problems into my life? Christ, I can't even solve my own problems, what the hell makes you think I can solve yours? I know it sounds selfish, but hey, when what you're sharing is negativity, then yes, hooray for selfishness. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's time I start moving away from other people's problems and start focusing on my own shit. Personal responsibility is a bitch, isn't it?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Pros & Cons: Finding A Boyfriend

  • Walk around the city and see things you've never noticed before
  • Makes a terrible job feel much better
  • Cooks homefries in the morning
  • Laughs at the same things I laugh at
  • Makes me feel safe
  • Calls me "Feisty" and it sounds charming instead of annoying
  • Always encourages me
  • Comes home with Big Macs and we eat them in bed
  • Washes my back for me
  • Makes me smile when no one else will
  • Makes me feel beautiful when nothing else will
  • I love him
  • He's dead
  • I still miss Clyde.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Shit That Irritates Me For No Reason

Ever get annoyed by something really, really tiny and think "Wait, that's nothing. Why am I getting so pissed off over something like this?" But then you tell someone else about your minute pet peeve and they're like "Wait, you hate that too? I thought I was the only one!" Anyway, here are a couple of those things that apply to me.

Groups Of People Who Walk Really Slowly In Front Of You On The Sidewalk

I've never really measured how wide the sidewalk is in the city, mostly because I have a life and also because I'm way too lazy to do it. That being said, there is absolutely no fucking reason why two old people need to take up the entire length of a sidewalk. This logic also applies to the gaggle of dumbass teenage girls who keep stopping for no reason. I am late for work bitches; move your asses!

People Who Stand At The Register Fucking Around With Their Wallets

You know when you're at Starbucks and the bitch in front of you finishes buying her skinny non-fat mocha chai latte (with extra foam), and then when it comes time to pay, she whips out a purse that can adequately fit three bowling balls and still have enough room to store a fully-assembled Ikea bookshelf? And then she upends the contents of her purse onto the counter, and then has to put it all back in afterwards? HATE. THAT. Seriously, just grab your purse, move over to the left a bit, THEN work on your stupid purse.

People Who Try Think There's A Difference Between House And Electro

The only difference between these two is that House makes me want to jab forks in my ears; Electro makes me want to stick knives in them. That's it.

People Who Keep Sending Me Those "Free iPad!" Events on Facebook

I'm sure this must come as something of a huge shock to you, but no, Apple will not give you a free iPad for clicking on a button. The only thing sadder is the fact that people fall for this shit and then send them to me. If you fall under this category, please unplug your modem and step away from the computer; you are officially to stupid to use the internet.


Oh isn't that cute, you think your Macs are creative and that people who use them are free-thinking individuals! You know, sort of like the billions of other people who have exactly the same product. Good for you. The only difference between you and Windows is that you guys just happen to have a competent marketing team.

That's all for now. There's probably more, but that's all I can think of.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Cannonball Read Entry #28: Dharma Punx - Noah Levine

I'm not a fan of organized religion, and God only knows I've never tried to pretend that I am. Sure I believe in the existence of a higher power that I refer to as God for the sake of simplicity, but I just think that the term itself, "Organized religion", is at best an oxymoron. I have yet to meet any two people that have exactly the same religious beliefs and share the exact same ideas. Organizing them seems arbitrary at best and completely impossible at worst.

But I can also acknowledge the fact that for some people, organized religion gives them a purpose, and let's face it: a life without purpose is wasted. The magnitude of that purpose is neither here nor there; it's the fact that you have a purpose, something to live for, that matters.

Such is the case with Noah Levine's Dharma Punx, a book that chronicles his journey from a drugged-out, self-destructive punk rocker to a Bhuddist teacher. Admittedly, the concept of the memoir wherein our hero turns his life around with the help of religion is a bit played out, but that's a discussion for another time.

Noah is the product of a broken home, an abusive stepdad, and various other trappings of white suburbia. And like most kids, he turns to punk rock and self-destruction as a means of rebellion. Fast forward a couple of years and Noah is a homeless drug-addict stuck in a padded cell to keep him from going Gallagher on his cranium.

Thankfully, in comes Bhudda to provide a moral compass to the wayward Noah. For those of you expecting a half-assed religious conversion were Noah slaps the "Bhuddist" tag on himself and calls it a day will probably be surprised with how in depth he actually goes with it. He travels abroad, sees the Dalai Lama, begins an experiment where he lives as if he only has one year left...You get the point.

This may be the strangest distinction I've ever made when it comes to literature, but bear with me: From the perspective of Noah Levine as the human, it's an extraordinary tale. I'm not going to try and take away from his triumphs and accomplishments, especially when you consider how quickly he managed to turn that ship around. However, from the perspective of his story as a book, his writing doesn't feel strong enough to properly convey his story. At times, moments of beauty feel just overly-sentimental, while at others it barely separates his story from the countless other stories on the bookshelf. Yes, his story is inspirational and truly remarkable, but so is everyone else's on that bookshelf. Everyone overcomes adversity in their lives in order to become a better person; all I'm saying is, if you're going to capitalize off of it by writing a book, you have to make sure you're writing makes it stick out from the pack.

Ultimately, that's the problem: It's a great story, and I'm very happy for his accomplishments, but at the same time...Well, everyone has a story. You just have to be able to tell it well.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

10 Best Dumb TV Characters

It's easy to write a dumb character: It's essentially like writing a normal character, only you don't have to bother with a personality or any semblance of intelligence. A good dumb character, however, is damn near impossible. Why? Because it's hard to make a blank slate likable. But when you do, it's pure fucking comedy GOLD. For the sake of qualifications and so that you guys don't end up sending me the obligatory "YOU FORGOT THIS PERSON GRAAAAAAAH!" comments, in order to make the list, the character must be on TV, must be purposefully written dumb, and have to be both funny and at least likable on a personal level. Also, I eliminated any character that was on a show comprised entirely of stupid people (i.e. The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park, etc.) And now, in absolutely no particular order whatsoever...

Hank Yarbo (Corner Gas)
Sample Dumb: "(Re: The riddle about where you bury survivors) OHHHHH! The *survivors* ... Bury one on each side.

T (United States of Tara)
Sample Dumb: I'm here because she went all CSI on your pubic patch you call a backpack and found those kill pills I got you.

Brittany (Glee)
Sample Dumb: Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

Philip J. Fry (Futurama)
Sample Dumb: He wasn't an astronaut, he was a sitcom actor. And he was only using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.

Cerie Xerox (30 Rock)
Sample Dumb: These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power!

Anya Jenkins (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
Sample Dumb: I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped, and frankly it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.

Valerie Cherish (The Comeback)
Sample Dumb: You see puppies, I see Korean barbeque!

Buster Bluth
(Arrested Development)
Sample Dumb: No mother, I can blow myself. You've interfered for the last time.

Michael Scott
(The Office)
Sample Dumb: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

Meatwad (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Sample Dumb: I don't have any real dolls, I prefer to use my infinite imagination... cause I ain't got no damn money.

Monday, June 14, 2010

We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Life

So as it turns out, I'm perfectly capable of hauling ass when need be. Blessedly, it's not exactly like the ass in question is all that heavy, but that's neither here nor there.

So what have I been doing? Well, first thing's first, I've been trying to sell my car. I tend not to pimp myself out too much here, mostly because I find self-promotion, at least for myself, a little weird. But hey, if you're in the Montreal area and you want to get your hands on a beautiful blue 2002 Pontiac Sunfire for the low, low price of $3800, you know where to find me.

See what I said about it being weird?

And now the interesting part: Why am I selling my car? Well, here's the thing: I'm starting up my own porn site. I know, right? And as it turns out, you need money in order to make the money in order to make more money. Isn't it nice to see that I managed to retain some of the information I learned in business class? Anyway, I decided that if I need a buttload of money, I might as well sell the car. Sure cars are nice, but having my on site would be nicer.

For the time being however, I've been working on scheduling scenes and finding models and blah and blah and blah. Did you know that there's more to porn then just beautiful people having sex? As it turns it's an actual job, wherein you're responsible for setting up dates and times and locations, keeping records on hand, and finding and maintaining the necessary components for creating videos. Who knew?

Thankfully, this is somewhat easier than I thought it would be. Not THAT easy, but still, could be worse. Thankfully, I only need to find one more guy to have enough content for the initial start up for the site (I'm estimating here), so that's a plus. Well, that and I have to find a camera guy, but those are generally easy to find...More or less.

On top of launching a porn site that I've deluded myself into thinking will be the most profitable thing to hit the web since Nigerian Princes, I'm also working on my move to Toronto. Don't get too excited, because my ultimate goal is to get my ass to L.A., so I'm basically staying until I can convince immigration that no, I am not nor have I ever been a terrorist and I would be an invaluable addition to the U.S. So if anyone happens to know anyone in TO looking for a roommate, or if you have a lead on a job I can do down there...Well, once again you know where to find me.

Anyway, that's enough new happenings and shit in my life. So if you or someone you know wants to buy my car, or you just so happen to have $3800 lying around the house that you desperately need to gt rid of, feel free to drop me a line.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Happy 2nd Blogoversary!

Two years ago, I was in my room at my mother's house, creating a blog. I was starting one because, I had reasoned, "everyone else is doing it, so why not I?" I didn't actually think anything would come out of it. I was just out of high school, blithely naive, and I had no idea where my life was going.

Two years later, I'm in my room in my own apartment, still writing the blog. I just visited my high school yesterday, I'm still blithely naive, and I now only have a vague idea of where my life is going. So while it doesn't really sound like my life has changed, it has. Well, sort of.

For starters, I'm now a gay porn star. Two years ago, the idea of being in porn was exactly that: an idea. At the risk of sounding like one of those letters to Penthouse, but I never thought it would happen to me, but...Well, just Google my name and chances are you'll find me naked somewhere.

I never thought I would make it as a writer until my late twenties or early thirties, but so far I've been published on Pajiba, the blog that first inspired me to start the humble little writing space you're on right now, not to mention I've been hired on two different sites, as well as written about on Fleshbot, Queerclick and Unzipped. So, you know, suck on that, everyone in High School who said I'd never amount to anything! Especially Mr. Donovan. That guy can totally bite the fattest part of my dick.

Which brings me to the name change. Some of you are thinking "Oh look, he changed the name of the blog. That's nice." Some of you are wondering "What the fuck? I like the old one! CHANGE IT BACK!" And some of the more mentally unbalanced readers of the blog are absolutely furious about the name change and are currently planning on setting me on fire.

Fact of the matter is, it's been two years since I first started the blog. And while I still retain most of my overall personality, admittedly, I have changed. Mostly for the better, I'd think. This is sort of like my way of updating the blog so that it reflects who I currently am: a sort of mish-mash of both writer and pornstar. I'm still the awkward little nobody you knew from before, only now I'm the awkward little nobody that kinda resembles a somebody.

Anyway, as is tradition, I have to write 25 things you didn't know about me. So here it goes:

#1: I hate my feet. They're not bad feet by any stretch of the imagination, I just think they're weird looking and they smell funky.

#2: I don't floss. Ever. Well, not never; I'll floss if there's an important dinner or something and I'm being super anal about my hygiene, but for the most part, I was just raised in a household where flossing didn't really matter.

#3: I can't tell the difference between Electronica and House music. I'm entirely convinced that there is no difference, and that anyone who says otherwise needs a firm kick in the balls for being a douchebag.

#4: Sometimes when I'm really pissed off at someone, I'll think about pushing them in front of an oncoming train and feel instantly better.

#5: I have absolutely no problem with people calling me a bitch. This isn't some gay/female empowerment thing; people just tend to call me a bitch when I say anything that indicates I have a higher level of brain function then a blow-up doll. So basically, being called a bitch is the equivalent of someone saying that I'm not some brain-dead fuck-puppet, which I think we can all agree is probably a good thing.

#6: I can still name all 151 Pokemon. I grew up in the 90's, so basically every facet of my life as a kid was in some way influenced by Pokemon. Seriously, until I made it to high school, I was pretty much Pikachu's bitch.

#7: I used to have this little heart necklace that I wore everywhere and never took it off. It was a bookmark until I cut it up and turned it into a necklace; honestly, it couldn't have been worth more than $2. But then it broke and I got ridiculously bummed out. If anyone ever finds a heart necklace like the one I had, PLEASE let me know where I can get my hands on it.

#8: I loved Sex and the City. Even when it went into it's sixth season and it started to overstay its welcome I loved it. And for the record: as much as I make fun of her, I really do think Sarah Jessica Parker is, if not "HOT", a beautiful woman. Hell, they all are. I mean Christ, they're in their forties for God's sake; they look pretty damn good.

#9: As a gossip blogger, I am fully aware that most of the people I write about don't deserve the shit I write about them. For the most part, it's just a matter of humour. It's nothing personal, I'm just trying to make people laugh. There are a couple celebs I mock out of hate, but they're few and far between.

#10: For those of you (specifically, Bobby Calamitous from Fleshbot) wondering why I stay so thin when I eat my own weight in butter every day: I have no idea. For the most part, I chalk it up to having a metabolism that rivals Shaggy's from Scooby-Doo, but if you must know, I was a chubby kid. Thankfully, growing up chunky was what allowed me to develop a brain and a personality, so it was a pretty fair trade-off really.

#11: I've never fucked a woman. I've never even kissed a girl. Seriously, I'm like the purest form of gay known to man. Although if given even the slightest opportunity, I would fuck Buck Angel stupid. I don't care what he has down there, he's fucking hot.

#12: A couple people have suggested that Pornstar in the Kitchen become a full-fledged cooking show. If given the opportunity, I SO would. Hey, if Sandra Lee can do it, so can I.

#13: I once walked in on my brother doing it with his girlfriend. It was gross. And her boobs were weird. I don't even think they were facing the same way.

#14: Part of the reason I never go out in Montreal is because...Well, hate to say it, but some of the twinks in this town are fucking ridonkadonk. I saw one out once that was wearing the doofiest rainbow undies ever in the most ludicrously ripped jeans known to man. I was just like "What is wrong with you? You look ridiculous. You shouldn't exist, but you're standing right in front of me!" That shit wouldn't look good on anyone in the world; it sure as hell won't look good on you.

#15: I think couples who wear matching anything when they go out need to be chemically castrated before they taint the gene pool.

#16: The only Ed Hardy a person should have on them is one of his tattoos. If you wear Ed Hardy clothing, you have no taste in anything and you should be deeply ashamed of yourself as a human being.

#17: I honestly don't drink as much as people think I do. If I want to get drunk, then I'll do so as fast as I possibly can, but if I'm out and there's booze and I don't really give a shit one way or the next if I get drunk, then chances are I'll stay sober.

#18: I hate driving. I actually blew all my money on a car that ended up being used more often by my family members than myself.

#19: I've never had Taco Bell. I'm not sure if I'm missing out here or not.

#20: I unabashedly love Kylie Minogue and everything she does. I make absolutely no excuses or explanations for it either. I just flat-out adore her.

#21: More often then not, I usually end up being the butt of my family's jokes. Usually, I end up getting pissed off until I remember that I'm richer, hotter and more famous then they are, and I'm the only one out of them all that people are willing to pay to see naked, and I feel immediately better.

#22: I hate socks. For some reason, I go through socks faster than is probably normal, so right now all of my socks have holes in them. That's why I like sandals now.

#23: I want to cover my entire body with tattoos, but I'm ridiculously stingy with my money. At about any given moment, I have five different ideas about new tattoos.

#24: If given the opportunity, I would be popping steroids like Tic-Tacs. The only problem is that I have no idea where to get them or how much they cost.

#25: If porn and writing doesn't work out, I want to be a professional ukulele player. This would be much easier if I owned a ukulele or had any idea how to play one.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Alright, tonight's post has some good news and bad news and news that is just generally fucked up. I'll start with the bad news, since it happened first if you're going chronologically.

The bad news: For those of you wondering what the hell is going on with LitelySalted and why the hell you've been staring at Winnie Cooper for the past month...Well, the site has been sold. By the looks of it, the process may soon be complete, and when that finally happens, well, who knows? Neither of us really knows for certain where this one is going, but que sera sera I suppose.

The good news, however, is that I'm not out of the gossip writing game. I've been hired as a writer over at popbytes, where I'll be adding a bit of snark to the proceedings. As much as I loved working for LitelySalted and as much as I adore Stacey, I have to admit, popbytes is pretty goddamn fantastic. So even if LitelySalted is dunzo (once again, not sure if it is,) at least I have somewhere to channel the haterade.

And now for the news that will make you go "Whaaaaaaa?!": a friend of mine, who I won't name outright, recently went quiet for a little while, and the official story was that she was in a terrible accident and hospitalized. Naturally, I felt awful, because she's always been a great friend to me.

And then I found out that she faked the whole thing.


From what I heard, there's a pretty sizable amount of evidence (and I do mean SIZABLE) that she wasn't in an accident and that she wasn't in the hospital and...Well, that she lied. I really don't want this to be true, since she's been a great friend to me, but on the other hand, the evidence against it is pretty much insurmountable. To be honest, I'm a little pissed. I know I'm not the most honest person in the world, but I can't say I would ever fake something that serious.

I'm not sure what her possible reasoning could have been behind this, but naturally I'm a little upset that she felt the need to lie about something this extreme. I'm sure her actions don't speak for themselves here, but the idea that she could blatantly lie about something like this just makes me feel like an idiot for trusting her. It doesn't negate the wonderful things she's done for me, but I have to say, if this is true, I am extremely disappointed.

Anyway, this has been a horribly depressing and kinda scatter-brained blog post, so I'm just going to wrap this up before it gets any worse. Cheers.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Inglourious Free Bitches: A Real-Time Snarking of Lady Gaga's "Alejandro"

Can you believe it's only been two months (give or take) since the last overly long, product placement laden, completely nonsensical Lady Gaga video? Well lucky for those blue-balled by the wait, today brought fresh Gaga and it's just as terrible as her last video! Only instead of ripping off Quentin Tarantino, she's now ripping off Madonna. Either that or your gay cousin's "Art Project" for film school. But that's besides the point. Let's get to the snark.

0:13 - We start off with a shot of an army boy who apparently just got home from a viewing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", which is fitting since this video also features a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. There are also some obnoxiously huge titles just in case you couldn't remember what you were watching.

0:28 - For those of you who watched the video for Bad Romance and thought "Okay, but it could use some more Nazi overtones", well, here you go. I'm pretty sure this is what Michelle McGee thinks about when she fingerblasts herself.

1:00 - And now for the most oppressive Tae Bo routine ever. "EINS! ZWEI! DREI! VIER! FEEL ZE BURN! NOW SAULT ZE FUHRER TWENTY TIMES!"

1:10 - Incredible; for the first time ever, Lady Gaga has worn something and I have no idea how to mock it. Seriously, what the fuck is this? The best I can do is say that this is half H.R. Giger and half Professor Farnsworth's glasses. Oh, and there's a frozen heart with a bunch of pins in it. Hey, that iPhone isn't the only thing Steve Jobs lost in a bar.

1:40 - Oh, wait, it's all just a funeral! This explains absolutely nothing. I'm just assuming that this is meant to show that there is literally nothing that will keep Lady Gaga from dressing like Ms. Peacock...You know, if Ms. Peacock happened to be a prostitute.

1:58 - And just because she can, here's an almost-naked model covered in what appears to be puppet strings and "Baby's First SS Helmet" holding a gun.

2:12 - "I know that we are young and I know that you may love me, but I just can't be with you like this anymore, Alejandro." Wait, who the fuck is Alejandro? Was he the naked gun dude? The guy in the coffin? Dr. Frankenfurter from the beginning? Because he seemed like a keeper. Definitely a guy you can bring home to Mom.

2:14 - Finally, we get to the actual music. Once again, it takes over two goddamn minutes to get to the actual music. I guess it's sort of like foreplay, if the foreplay consisted of being punched in the balls with a pair of brass knuckles.

2:44 - Let's see: Hardbodied gays in uniform acting under the totalitarian reign of a sexually ambiguous electronica singer? This is what Bill O'Reilly thinks will happen if Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed. Seriously, before he goes to bed, Bill O'Reilly looks under the bed for twinks.

3:00 - I gotta say, for all her talk of "Hot like Mexico", this place doesn't really seem like a great place for a vacation. I think this might be that post-apocalyptic wasteland from that Sigur Ros video where all the little kids in gas masks play in black snow and then one of them dies. Good times, goooooooood times...

3:40 - For those of you wondering whether or not gay guys actually have sex by picking the guy up by his hips, slipping him some grade-A man meat then body slamming him onto hard pavement...Well, that's how I roll. Go big or go home bitches. FUCKING ROCK THAT ASS.

3:50 - And we finally have a discernible Lady Gaga costume: Gimp Nuns! Too bad Tony Buff did this over a week ago. (Yes, I'm fully aware that absolutely everyone thought of this. But too bad, I'm whippin' it out too [That's what she said])
Yup, sorry Gaga; You just got T-OWN-y'd.

4:07 - Apparently, Lady Gaga has tired of her hunky military men, so let's go fuck some guys with awful fucking hair. Look, I can handle the Kermit the Frog dresses and the cigarette sunglasses, but bowl-cuts? This woman is pure evil and must be stopped by any means necessary. *Cocks and loads gun* Any means necessary...

4:40 - In every Lady Gaga video, there is always at least one Ridiculous Gay Guy who just fucking kills me and steals my heart. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...
Shine on, you crazy homo.

5:12 - So Lady Gaga and her Dorothy Hamill looking homos (Dorothy Homos?) seem to be playing that game where everyone gathers around a person and then lifts them up using only two fingers and "magic". True story: For a Halloween party in the second grade, we played this game, and one of the girls we lifted got so scared she started crying and then peed on the teacher's arm. We called our teacher "Mrs. Pee Arm" for the rest of the year.

5:17 - Silly Lady Gaga, anal beans don't go in your mouth! Unless of course your mouth happens to be your...Oh, wait, actually, this explains a lot. Oh, also she has a crucifix on her vagina. Kinda brings a whole new meaning to the term "Nailed to the cross", doesn't it?

5:38 - And now we get to the part of the video where we lose any and all pretense that Lady Gaga is an original artist and jump headfirst into the land of shameless Madonna rip-offs. You can pick up your Spikey Death Boobs and Boy Toy Belt Buckle at the front.

6:21 - Speaking of Spikey Death Boobs, as is the natural progression of all things slut, Madonna Lady Gaga is now wearing a pair of guns on her nipples. I honestly wish I could make fun of this, but really, if they were ever produced for major distribution, you better fucking believe I'd be the first in line to buy one.

6:42 - Gaga, apparently no longer content to only rip off Madonna, is now stealing her look from Bono. Seriously, she even has the terrible hair and the glasses and everything.

8:16 - Lady Gaga decides to needlessly elongate the song by two minutes by repeating "Alejandro" over and over again while replaying clips of the video. Seriously. And then she shows the gay guys her boobs and the gays act like Jesus just came down from the heavens and offered them all deep-fried Twinkies. Please, like any of these guys would know what to do with a boob.

8:36 - We get one last shot of Naked Gun Guy and Lady Gaga's terrible Tony Buff knock-off, and then Gaga's face melts and I finally know what hell looks like. The end.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Speidi Complex: How "The Hills" Is Destroying America (Well, Probably)

It really is no secret at this point that I just fucking outright hate "The Hills". For those of you have no idea what that is...Well first off, you are a lucky, lucky person. How hard would it be for me to immigrate to your country? Second, here's a little breakdown of the show: There's a group of whores that lives in Hollywood: One is needy, one is a bitch, one is completely incapable of staring at anything but the ceiling, and the last one is easily manipulated and 100% recyclable. For the most part, said whores are pretty much interchangeable; You could switch their names around and no one would tell the difference. They have fake jobs and fuck men who aren't even famous enough to catch herpes from Paris Hilton.

And people fucking eat this shit up.

Here's the thing about "The Hills": While I've often gone out of my way to call them out for having no talent, watched them bitch at each other, and actively demanded the removal of their reproductive organs, the truth is I probably could have just ignored them. You see, the comforting thing about reality shows like this one is that, despite the fact that you know they're completely fake, terribly scripted and essentially the equivalent of Diet Coke for your brain, they knew there place: The entire universe of their reality was constricted to within the TV. Just like any TV show, the reality of the show ceased to exist once you turned it off or started watching something else.

BUT, and this a big but, it didn't. "The Hills" ever so slowly began leaking into the real world. It wasn't that the show was based on real events or real people, it was that the reality crafted specifically for the "The Hills" began to bleed into our reality; Go on TMZ, The Superficial or any other gossip blog and you'll see that the universe of "The Hills" is no longer restricted to the shiny little moving picture box you have planted in front of the sofa for all to see. It's real! It's really really real!

Yes, much like Pinocchio, they're real boys (er, girls) now. But not really. You see, obviously Heidi Montag is a real person. She has a passport and state-issued identification and all that, so we can safely agree that yes, she is a real person. However, "Heidi Montag", the character from "The Hills" is not a real person. Or at least, she shouldn't be. "Heidi Montag" is a character written for a terrible reality show. Same as that girl from "The Real World" who beat bitches up. But the only difference is, "The Hills" has fractured the fourth wall so drastically that the line between Heidi Montag and "Heidi Montag" is almost completely indistinguishable. Hell, if the ten plastic surgeries she got in one day or the fact that she split with her husband, Spencer Pratt, for the sake of a reality show she's doing is any indication, "Heidi Montag" may have replaced Heidi Montag as the actual human being in this scenario.

And that's what you should be concerned about.

Any dipshit can make a reality show. Hell, reality shows were first created because people were too lazy and untalented to create scripted television. And that's fine: In it's truest state, reality TV is about real people and real problems, and quite frankly, it's refreshing. And it would be if that were actually the case. But fact of the matter is, "The Hills" isn't about real people or real problems. And it's not just writing a cute little show restricted to the confines of television either: it's re-writing reality. Our reality. It may be just a small part, but when other people start defining what is and isn't true, even if it's a small part...Well, you're fucked.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I May Have Killed Rue McClanahan

This was a conversation Matt and I that happened the day Dennis Hopper died:

Me: Did you hear? Dennis Hopper died today.

Matt: No way, really?

Me: Yeah, totally. First Gary Coleman, now Dennis Hopper...This is a bad weekend to be famous.

Matt: Wonder who's gonna be the third one to die?

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Matt: Well, celebrity deaths always happen in threes, so one more is going to die.

Me: Does Simon Monjack count?

Matt: Who's he?

Me: He was the creepy fat guy that was married to Brittany Murphy.

Matt: No.

Me: Fuck, then it's gonna be someone we actually care about.

Matt: Yeah, but who?

Me: I wanna say Lindsay Lohan, but I feel like she has a couple more months in her. Probably one of The Golden Girls. I'm guessing Rue McClanahan, because Betty White is badass.

Matt: God, I hope not.

Me: Yeah, me too.

Me: ...FUCK.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

8 Glee Episodes That Need To Happen

I know Glee already did the Madonna episode and the kinda-sorta-semi-Gaga episode this season, which means artist-centric episodes are now officially fair game. So which ones need to happen as soon as humanely possible? These ones. For those of you wondering how or why these artists were picked: Yeah, I pretty much just pulled them all out of my ass. So any and all complaints can be written down on a piece of paper, rolled up real tight, and shoved up your ass.

Micheal Jackson

Okay, bit of an obvious choice. Considering that prior to the 90's, the guy couldn't even fart without being handed a Grammy, they have a sizable selection to pick from, as long as they don't go for any awkward "Child Molestation" jokes. And you know the "Thriller" performance would be a fucking trip.


Admittedly, I'm not much of an Elvis fan, which to classic rock fans is the equivalent of saying that nothing quenches your thirst like the sweet, sweet taste of blended puppies, but I still have to admit that an Elvis themed episode wouldn't be the absolute worst thing in the world.

The Beatles

Well, they already pulled off one Beatles song (That would be "Hello Goodbye"), so why not do an entire episode? Considering they have their own fucking "Rock Band" installment, I don't see why they would turn down licensing out a few more of their songs. At least this time we wouldn't have to worry about those irritating, squeaky plastic "Rock Band" guitars.

Broken Social Scene (And Their Satellites)

Hear me out on this one: At this point, every indie artist in Canada and their dog has been a part of Broken Social Scene. This includes Feist as well as members of Metric and Stars. Not only would the collective feel of the group match pretty well with the Glee kids, but I don't see why they couldn't whip out a performance of "1234" or "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead". Chances are this will never happen, but still, dare to dream.
Sigur Ros

Yeah, this one was more or less the brain child Zach Sire, although you have to admit, hearing Kurt or Rachel gibber in high-pitched Icelandic would be kinda totally amazing. Incredibly depressing, but amazing.


Outkast has that magical little gift of being both incredibly well known by mainstream audiences (remember when they played "Hey Ya" into an early grave? Exactly) and being legitimately good artists, which is kind of a rarity these days. And if they play their cards right, they might even make up for those awkward soul numbers.

Elton John

Simply put, Elton John is the kind of gay that is perfectly suited for Glee: Mainstream, at times over the top, and theatrical as hell. Anyone of the Glee kids could pull off his number with ease, and if done right, Ryan Murphy could use it to flesh out Kurt's love life beyond the creepy crush on Finn. And while I'm on the subject here: Finn? Really? He's a nice guy and kinda cute, but dude, have you seen Puck? Y'ello.


I want to see Rachel perform "Fuck The Pain Away." THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN.