Two years ago, I was in my room at my mother's house, creating a blog. I was starting one because, I had reasoned, "everyone else is doing it, so why not I?" I didn't actually think anything would come out of it. I was just out of high school, blithely naive, and I had no idea where my life was going.
Two years later, I'm in my room in my own apartment, still writing the blog. I just visited my high school yesterday, I'm still blithely naive, and I now only have a vague idea of where my life is going. So while it doesn't really sound like my life has changed, it has. Well, sort of.
For starters, I'm now a gay porn star. Two years ago, the idea of being in porn was exactly that: an idea. At the risk of sounding like one of those letters to Penthouse, but I never thought it would happen to me, but...Well, just Google my name and chances are you'll find me naked somewhere.
I never thought I would make it as a writer until my late twenties or early thirties, but so far I've been published on Pajiba, the blog that first inspired me to start the humble little writing space you're on right now, not to mention I've been hired on two different sites, as well as written about on Fleshbot, Queerclick and Unzipped. So, you know, suck on that, everyone in High School who said I'd never amount to anything! Especially Mr. Donovan. That guy can totally bite the fattest part of my dick.
Which brings me to the name change. Some of you are thinking "Oh look, he changed the name of the blog. That's nice." Some of you are wondering "What the fuck? I like the old one! CHANGE IT BACK!" And some of the more mentally unbalanced readers of the blog are absolutely furious about the name change and are currently planning on setting me on fire.
Fact of the matter is, it's been two years since I first started the blog. And while I still retain most of my overall personality, admittedly, I have changed. Mostly for the better, I'd think. This is sort of like my way of updating the blog so that it reflects who I currently am: a sort of mish-mash of both writer and pornstar. I'm still the awkward little nobody you knew from before, only now I'm the awkward little nobody that kinda resembles a somebody.
Anyway, as is tradition, I have to write 25 things you didn't know about me. So here it goes:
#1: I hate my feet. They're not bad feet by any stretch of the imagination, I just think they're weird looking and they smell funky.
#2: I don't floss. Ever. Well, not never; I'll floss if there's an important dinner or something and I'm being super anal about my hygiene, but for the most part, I was just raised in a household where flossing didn't really matter.
#3: I can't tell the difference between Electronica and House music. I'm entirely convinced that there is no difference, and that anyone who says otherwise needs a firm kick in the balls for being a douchebag.
#4: Sometimes when I'm really pissed off at someone, I'll think about pushing them in front of an oncoming train and feel instantly better.
#5: I have absolutely no problem with people calling me a bitch. This isn't some gay/female empowerment thing; people just tend to call me a bitch when I say anything that indicates I have a higher level of brain function then a blow-up doll. So basically, being called a bitch is the equivalent of someone saying that I'm not some brain-dead fuck-puppet, which I think we can all agree is probably a good thing.
#6: I can still name all 151 Pokemon. I grew up in the 90's, so basically every facet of my life as a kid was in some way influenced by Pokemon. Seriously, until I made it to high school, I was pretty much Pikachu's bitch.
#7: I used to have this little heart necklace that I wore everywhere and never took it off. It was a bookmark until I cut it up and turned it into a necklace; honestly, it couldn't have been worth more than $2. But then it broke and I got ridiculously bummed out. If anyone ever finds a heart necklace like the one I had, PLEASE let me know where I can get my hands on it.
#8: I loved Sex and the City. Even when it went into it's sixth season and it started to overstay its welcome I loved it. And for the record: as much as I make fun of her, I really do think Sarah Jessica Parker is, if not "HOT", a beautiful woman. Hell, they all are. I mean Christ, they're in their forties for God's sake; they look pretty damn good.
#9: As a gossip blogger, I am fully aware that most of the people I write about don't deserve the shit I write about them. For the most part, it's just a matter of humour. It's nothing personal, I'm just trying to make people laugh. There are a couple celebs I mock out of hate, but they're few and far between.
#10: For those of you (specifically, Bobby Calamitous from Fleshbot) wondering why I stay so thin when I eat my own weight in butter every day: I have no idea. For the most part, I chalk it up to having a metabolism that rivals Shaggy's from Scooby-Doo, but if you must know, I was a chubby kid. Thankfully, growing up chunky was what allowed me to develop a brain and a personality, so it was a pretty fair trade-off really.
#11: I've never fucked a woman. I've never even kissed a girl. Seriously, I'm like the purest form of gay known to man. Although if given even the slightest opportunity, I would fuck Buck Angel stupid. I don't care what he has down there, he's fucking hot.
#12: A couple people have suggested that Pornstar in the Kitchen become a full-fledged cooking show. If given the opportunity, I SO would. Hey, if Sandra Lee can do it, so can I.
#13: I once walked in on my brother doing it with his girlfriend. It was gross. And her boobs were weird. I don't even think they were facing the same way.
#14: Part of the reason I never go out in Montreal is because...Well, hate to say it, but some of the twinks in this town are fucking ridonkadonk. I saw one out once that was wearing the doofiest rainbow undies ever in the most ludicrously ripped jeans known to man. I was just like "What is wrong with you? You look ridiculous. You shouldn't exist, but you're standing right in front of me!" That shit wouldn't look good on anyone in the world; it sure as hell won't look good on you.
#15: I think couples who wear matching anything when they go out need to be chemically castrated before they taint the gene pool.
#16: The only Ed Hardy a person should have on them is one of his tattoos. If you wear Ed Hardy clothing, you have no taste in anything and you should be deeply ashamed of yourself as a human being.
#17: I honestly don't drink as much as people think I do. If I want to get drunk, then I'll do so as fast as I possibly can, but if I'm out and there's booze and I don't really give a shit one way or the next if I get drunk, then chances are I'll stay sober.
#18: I hate driving. I actually blew all my money on a car that ended up being used more often by my family members than myself.
#19: I've never had Taco Bell. I'm not sure if I'm missing out here or not.
#20: I unabashedly love Kylie Minogue and everything she does. I make absolutely no excuses or explanations for it either. I just flat-out adore her.
#21: More often then not, I usually end up being the butt of my family's jokes. Usually, I end up getting pissed off until I remember that I'm richer, hotter and more famous then they are, and I'm the only one out of them all that people are willing to pay to see naked, and I feel immediately better.
#22: I hate socks. For some reason, I go through socks faster than is probably normal, so right now all of my socks have holes in them. That's why I like sandals now.
#23: I want to cover my entire body with tattoos, but I'm ridiculously stingy with my money. At about any given moment, I have five different ideas about new tattoos.
#24: If given the opportunity, I would be popping steroids like Tic-Tacs. The only problem is that I have no idea where to get them or how much they cost.
#25: If porn and writing doesn't work out, I want to be a professional ukulele player. This would be much easier if I owned a ukulele or had any idea how to play one.