We open on the Glee clubbers watching Sue Sylvester recreate Olivia Newton John's "Physical", because everything is funnier when Sue Sylvester does it. Sue Sylvester, surprisingly, is not amused by this, so she pulls up a list of the sluttiest Glee club members. Naturally, Santana is number one, while Rachel is dead last. Because as we all know, Rachel's vagina has pretty much sealed over. Hey, girl needs to put something in it before it grows over. As punishment, Will makes the Glee club perform Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby".
I think we call all agree that Will Shuester is a fucking sub-mental.
Embarrassment over, Sue Sylvester is back in the teacher's loung, being laughed at by all the teachers. In slow motion. Molly Shannon comes over to make fun of her some more for some reason. Really? Molly Shannon? Meanwhile, Rachel, pissed over the fact that she's essentially a rape-whistle away from being a 40-year-old shut-in, decides she needs to slut it up a little, because virgins are BAD...Or something.
The rest of the Glee Clubbers decide to follow suit, by being their badass little selves, while Sue talks to her mentally-disabled sister about how bad it feels to be laughed at. Sue decides to counter-act this by becoming a therapist at the school. God help whoever takes mental health advice from a woman who looks to be one set of testes away from being Owen Wilson.
Rachel decides that in order to get her badassness quotient up, she needs to start fucking Puck. Let's review, shall we? In the space of about four episodes, Rachel has fucked Finn, Jesse and Puck. How is this woman considered a virgin anyway? Girl has seen more hot cock than the inside of a KFC.
Sue, having told Emma all about how Will had a sleep-over with April and made out with the coach of Vocal Adrenaline, confronts the whitest person in the world, while an old woman talks about her dead husband. Sooooooo...yeah, not a great time. Anyway, Emma calls Shue a slut. Because he is, despite the fact that he's so white, even his jizz is darker than he is.
Meanwhile, in order to get on the top of the Glee slut list, Arnie, Kurt, Mercedes, Brittany and Tina decide to perform MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" in the library. Aaaaaand fuck it. Glee? Meet me at Camera 3.
Look, I know the whole purpose of this episode is to show that you don't have to be ashamed for who you are, but so far you've pulled up the two most embarrassing songs of the 90's. Seriously, the only people who listens to that shit does so ironically. Please stop making my ears bleed.
Anyway, Shue decides to interrogate the Glee clubbers about who put up the list. Fingers are pointed, words are said, and Brittany reveals that she can't turn on a computer. Kurt has the final say, asking if Shue has started watching Law & Order reruns because of the divorce. The kids decide that, with the library performance backfiring, they need to come forward about leaking Sue's video in order to claim their badassery. Speaking of Sue's video, Olivia Newton John gives her a call over the video she made, so guess who's gonna be guesting this week?
The teachers, having found out about Will Shuester being a filthy manskank, decides to rake him over the coals for it. Really guys? Out of all the things you can make fun of him for, you make fun of him for having the most nonjudgmental cock ever? Did you not see his lame, early aughts boyband hair? Or the fact that he can sing "Ice Ice Baby" without a deep-seeded sense of shame?
Kurt decides to come forward about leaking the video, but SURPRISE! Since Olivia Newton John is coming in, she's decided to forgive them. And of course, we get the remake of Sue Sylvester and Newton John. Thankfully, the guys are all hot instead of schlubby, so I'll let it slide. The only downside is that Sue sounds so auto-tuned, it's like she's had her vocal chords ripped out and replaced with an iPhone. But hey, ABS!
Shue, running out of time to figure out who posted the slut list, decides to look at the kids "Bad Reputation" videos. Rachel and Puck do a video together, and unfortunately, does not in anyway involve Puck whipping his dick out. BULLSHIT. The least you could do is at least give us a shot of his ass, but no. On the plus side, it does involve Rachel getting shot by one of her gay Dads, so there's that.
However, this backfires to, because Finn, Puck and Jesse all think that Rachel is a huge whore now for cheating on them. Sue, the slightly less slutty video whore, tells her sister that she made the video with ONJ in order to impress her and, in yet another act of surprising sweetness, gives all the money she earnd to the nursing home her sister stays in.
Back to everyone's favourite Jew-Fro'd whore, Shue goes back to Emma to beg for forgiveness. Emma decides to continue with the relationship, probably because she knows she has Mr. Wonderbread by the short and curlies. However, his newfound shame allows him to figure out that Quinn put up the list because she's pissed about how quickly her reputation went to shit. However, he decides to let the whole thing slide, since you'd have the be a huge dickweed to expel a pregnant teen.
The newly-cuckolded Jesse St. James decides to break things off with Rachel now that everyone knows she "Took the slow train from Philly".
...That's code for "Check out the slut".
Anyway, we cap off this weeks train-wreck of embarrassment with "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" because really, this show could use a little more red-faced shame, couldn't it? All I know is, somewhere out there, Stacey is currently screaming with rage.
- Does anyone else think it's about time they brought Sue's sister back? At this point, it's the only human thing about her?
- Alternate title for this episode: "Let's make sure we don't sell a single fucking song off of this week's show!" Seriously, Vanilla Ice? MC Hammer? You're better than this, Glee. You're better than this.
- Didn't we all know that Rachel was a huge whore even before this episode? Seriously, poor girl's seen more nerd cock than the urinal at a Star Wars convention.
- I guess this week's badass move by Kurt is meant to apologize for the weird/creepy crush he has on Finn. Seriously: FINN?!