Sunday, May 9, 2010

Things I Learned From My Mother

Mother's Day: The day of the year where you celebrate the woman who is terribly, terribly disappointed in you. In all seriousness, I probably wouldn't have turned out quite as well as I would have without her, so here are a few of the things I've learned from my mother.
  • If you want a great Cosmo, it's one part Triple Sec, one part lime cordial, two parts vodka and two parts cranberry juice. If you want, you can also switch in some Sour Puss for the Lime.
  • There's never a bad time to laugh at someone else's expense. Do it often.
  • If you want something, get off your ass and get it. What the fuck did your last maid die of anyway?
  • "Sarah Palin is a cunt." - My mother's exact words.
  • Shoulder Pads are the goddamn devil. Seriously, why did anyone ever wear those?
  • There is absolutely no argument in the world that can't be won with the phrase, "Because I said so."
  • The laundry basket is RIGHT. THERE. There is absolutely no reason why you can't put clothes in the basket when it is two feet away.
  • Speaking of laundry baskets, if you ever want to get your kids to eat their vegetables, remember these words: "Finish your dinner or else you don't get to go down the stairs in a laundry basket."
  • People don't slave at work all day so that they can come home and wash your dishes.
  • There's nothing you can do that would make your mother stop loving you. I should know; I've pretty much tried every trick in the book here.

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