I Guess I'll Wait Another Year

I think we've established last year what I think about New Year's Eve (Hate it; think it can go fuck itself) and what I think about New Year's Day (Not a fan either), so allow me to gracefully sidestep this horrible, horrible day.

Point is, it's been a crappy year. I'm not about to discount the fact that a lot of good things have happened too, but all in all? Crap. Most people my age describe relationship troubles as arguments about going on dates or not talking enough; Mine is the fact that my love in some far off town in an indeterminate graveyard.

Not to mention the fact that lack of closure can lead to balding. And if my mother's predictions are true, I'll grow up to look like my Dad. If the bitch is right, I'll probably either off myself or dump a ton of money getting plastic surgery.

Although one thing I am happy about is that I don't have to write anymore end of year lists. I mean yes, they were fun at first, but after a while, the novelty sort of wears off. Needless to say I won't be condensing ideas into numerically arranged lists in descending order for a looooooooong time.

Also, one final thing: If I hear one more person use the word "Drama" to describe daily problems (i.e. "Laura J.'s not coming to the movies because Melanie C. owes her $5? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS DRAMA!"), I will not hesitate to claw their eyes out. When the hell did daily life become a bad MTV reality show? At this point, "Drama" to me has become synonymous for "I'm a douchebag with no grasp of reality; Please hit me in the face with a crowbar until this situation is remedied".

Jeremy Feist: Hitting you in the face with a crowbar since 2010.

Here Comes 2010...

Well, it's almost that time of year again: The time where everyone decides to do a bunch of shit with no actual intention of actually fulfilling it. So to commemorate this, let's look back on last year's Resolutions, and then see what I can promise myself this time.

New Motto: You're not the only one who's ever been hurt.

• So far, still a pretty good Motto. Although I may change that to something more optimistic.
  

Stop trying to please and bend over backwards for people who obviously couldn't give two shits about me.

• Nope. Failed this and failed it hard. I am Jeremy, king of the doormats. Bow before my passive-aggressiveness.
  

Learn how to bartend. Seriously, that shit looks like fun.

• Working on that one right now, and so far? Not a bad job. With any luck, I might even work at a REAL bar someday! Crossin' my fingers.
  

Listen to Dustin when he says not to go see a crappy movie, even if it is Christmas. Lesson learned, Rowles, lesson learned.

• Well, I tried, but to be fair I DID put Terminator 4 on the list of movies I had to watch, and you don't just walk away from a commitment like that. Even then, it wasn't, you know, THAT awful. I mean it wasn't great, but not awful.
  

Try my hand at my dream job.

• If you haven't figured this one out by now...Yup. Porn. And for the record, I am one superbeautifulmonster, it's just that no one really knows me yet, but mark my words, I will fucking rock the shit out of 2010.
  

Move out of my parent's house(s). Which is going to be easy since I'm a full time college student.

• Also done! And as much as I love my family, I love them even more when I don't see them everyday. Sorta like how you get sick of eating Chipotle if you eat it everday, then you wait a week and realize that you LOVE Chipotle...Only without the whole "Crapping Blood" thing.
  

Try not to drink a bottle of Drain-O.

• Shockingly enough, accomplished. I totally just high-fived myself.
  

Find a boyfriend. Everyone I know seems to have found one at pretty much the exact same time, so now I'm the odd one out. Oh well, they all seem pretty happy about it, so I might as well give it a try.

• Okay, so...Yeah. I found one, but then it wasn't, but then it was, and then he died. I'm not sure if I won or lost this one. The part of me that loves him says I won, but the part of me that misses him says I lost.
  

If I'm angry at someone, be it because they break something expensive, refuse to listen to me, or blow me off for some bullshit excuse, tell them that they are, in fact, full of shit.

• Well...Sorta. I kinda did a couple times, but there are still a few douchebags out there who need to realize that you don't fuck with Jeremy Feist and walk away without being voodoo-ed.
  

If someone does something that really makes them happy, encourage them.

• To be fair, I did. It's not like I was on the sidelines waving pom-poms, but I still did it.
  

Make (as Liz Phair put it) shitloads of money.

• I wouldn't qualify it as shitloads just yet, but I did manage to fucking buh-buh-BANK this year.
  

Learn how to play the Cello. Not sure why, but I've always had a fondness for Cellos.

• Yeah, I just did not even bother trying with this one. Fail. Complete and total fail on my part here.

Alright, so what does the New Year bring? Well, how about this:

• Move out of Montreal to either Toronto, New York or California. Although I'm kinda hoping for the latter.
• Bulk up and reach 180 by this time next year.
• Finally (FINALLY) start doing work for big name studios. Even if I have to beg, bribe, blackmail and every other b-word to do it (Burgle? Bully? Bitch? Help me out here.)
• Get a boyfriend. Again.
• Learn to play the ukulele. Scientifically speaking, they rock harder with less square footage than a cello.
• Start writing.
  

Oh Joy, Another Year. Hoo-Cock-Sucking-Cunt-Fucking-Ray.

Well, looks like we've only got a little over a week before this disappointment of a year wraps up. But thankfully, I won't be in this cold, barren, God-forsaken country for New Years. I'll be down in The Dominican Republic in a time-share villa for a week with an open sushi and alcohol bar. Which sounds cool, until you realise that I'm down there wit my family. Anyways, since I'm not sure if I'll have wifi down there, I figured I might as well share with y'all my New Year's Resolutions.

- New Motto: You're not the only one who's ever been hurt.

- Stop trying to please and bend over backwards for people who obviously couldn't give two shits about me.

- Learn how to bartend. Seriously, that shit looks like fun.

- Listen to Dustin when he says not to go see a crappy movie, even if it is Christmas. Lesson learned, Rowles, lesson learned.

- Try my hand at my dream job.

- Move out of my parent's house(s). Which is going to be easy since I'm a full time college student.

- Try not to drink a bottle of Drain-O.

- Find a boyfriend. Everyone I know seems to have found one at pretty much the exact same time, so now I'm the odd one out. Oh well, they all seem pretty happy about it, so I might as well give it a try.

- If I'm angry at someone, be it because they break something expensive, refuse to listen to me, or blow me off for some bullshit excuse, tell them that they are, in fact, full of shit.

- If someone does something that really makes them happy, encouage them.

- Make (as Liz Phair put it) shitloads of money.

- Learn how to play the Cello. Not sure why, but I've always had a fondness for Cellos.