The 10 Best "Fuck You We're Over Asshole" Songs

#10: Grizzly Bear - The Knife

To be perfectly honest, it's not the best "Fuck You" song, but it is an absolutely beautiful song, and it's about a relationship going straight to shit because the other person a lying liar who tells lies.

What It Says: "So you're a giant sociopath and I can't believe a word you say, so get the fuck out."

#9: Hot Hot Heat - Goodnight Goodnight

The song itself is about two minutes long, but it's essentially what happens when your snobby-ass ex tries desperately to win you back and you have to show them the door.

What It Says: "You're a pretentious dick, you have no real friends and you're embarrassing to be around, so never see me again."

#8: Kate Nash - Shit Song

This song pretty much sums up what happens after a relationship: You drink a lot, miss your ex, than realize you're better off without him and drink some more because you can.

What It Says: "I could go back to you, or I could just drink this entire bottle of wine while I remember what a total piece of shit you are...Yeah, I'll go with the wine."

#7: Be Your Own Pet - You're A Waste

This one is a little weird, considering that not only is it a "Fuck you" song, but it also squeezes in some actual emotional input and talks about how relationships are the responsibility of two people, not just one person constantly fucking up.

What It Says: "Yeah, I fucked up, but you were a dickhead too, and seeing you in pain makes me pretty happy because you're an absolute fucking tool."

#6: Ben Folds Five - Song For The Dumped

So you've just been dumped. What's your first instinct? To get back all the things you've ever given that whorish bitch. Hey, you bought them, so technically they're yours.

What It Says: "You want to leave? Fine, give me back all the shit I ever gave you, you gold digging whore. I don't give a shit if it was a gift, you owe me slut."

#5: Lily Allen - Not Big

So is your stupid shit of a (soon-to-be-if-not-already) ex-boyfriend a terrible fuck with a small dick and a case of premature ejaculation? Well have I got the song for you...

What It Says: "You were fucking awful in bed and your cock is bad. Therefore, I'm going to fuck all your best friends then tell everyone about what a lousy lay you were."

#4: Rilo Kiley - Breakin' Up

So you broke up and apparently everything is supposed to go to shit...Except it doesn't. The world keeps turning and you realize you're going to be okay with or without him. And then you realize he's the one hurting and all of a sudden all you want to do is twist the knife while it's still in him just because you can.

What It Says: "So you dumped my ass and now you're the one who's in pain, so now I'm going to rub it in about how fucking meaningless you are to me and how goddamn awesome I am so THERE."

#3: Sia - The Girl That You Lost To Cocaine

You're significant other has a thing for drugs and/or booze and no matter how much you do for them it doesn't work. What do you do? Well, two choices: One, you can keep trying to break own this brick wall with your bare hands, or you can dump his stupid ass so that he can go be with his druggie loser friends.

What It Says: "Obviously, you'd rather hang out with a bunch of drug addicts than me, so fuck you; Go die of an overdose and see if I care, you fucking narc. And good luck paying for a new nose when that fucking beak you have now collapses on you."

#2: Miranda Lambert - Kerosene

To be honest, this entire list could have just been Miranda Lambert, so I just picked the best one: If you ever wanted to get back at your cheating, lying, disrespectful, good-for-nothing low-life, this might give you a couple ideas.

What It Says: "You treated me like absolute shit and lied to my face, so I'm going to shoot you and set your corpse on fire. How you like them apples?"

#1: Fiona Apple - Get Gone

This song is what happens when you've reached the end of your rope, and you're tired of defending him and making excuses for him and trying to help him and giving for him and all you want is for him to just get the fuck out of your life.

What It Says: "I know you couldn't give two shits about me, so pack up your shit and fucking leave already, your worthless, ungrateful fuck."

The 10 Worst Screen Couples Ever

#10 - Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Riley (Marc Blucas) in Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Honestly, if you tried to pinpoint the exact moment where Buffy started going down hill, it was when stupid Riley showed up. He was hot, yes, but Riley was fucking boring and kinda useless and we all know that Buffy could do so much better than this dork.

#9 - Ben (Seth Rogen) and Alison (Katherine Heigl) in Knocked Up
This one is pretty bad for two reasons: the first is that it ushered in the Hollywood fad of pairing an average looking dude with a hot and completely out of his league chick out of sheer wish fulfillment. The second was that their entire relationship is based around the fact the he got her eggo preggo. They don't actually love each other; she just happens to be lugging around his crothfruit.

#8 - Jake (Sam Worthington) and Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) in Avatar
Why yes, this entry is here for the sole reason of pissing off Avatards, why do you ask? Oh, and also because they're fucking furries. Seriously, at some point you have to wonder when people will back off and go "Hmmmm...Is it weird that the main character wants to fuck a giant cat?"

#7 - Vivian (Julia Roberts) and Edward (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman
What's that? It's just the story of a girl with a heart of gold finding the man of her dreams? Yeah, not really. No matter how you cut it, it's still a movie where Richard Gere can only love Julia Roberts after she fits in with the rich, elite crowd. Because love means completely selling out to people more powerful than you are.

#6 - Jim (Jason Biggs) and a pie in American Pie
...It's a fucking pie, you sick fuck. I don't care how boned up you are, WHO FUCKS A PIE?!

#5 - Anakin (Hayden Christensen) and Padme (Natalie Portman) in Star Wars: The Shitty Ones Everyone Hated
Christ, I don't think these two were involved so much as they were just spouting cliches at each other while George Lucas continued to curb stomp every last ounce of good will he had left. You know you're in a bad relationship when one of you dies, the other becomes pure evil and this is still seen as one of the better outcomes.

#4 - Izzie (Katherine Heigl) and Denny's Ghost (Jeffery Dean Morgan) in Grey's Anatomy
This is the one that elicited the most cries of "What in the fucking fuck is this fuckery?" and for good reason: somewhere down the line, the writers apparently got bored or just grew tired of Heigl's bullshit and decided to write the most fucking stupid story arch ever where Katherine Heigl fucks either a ghost or a figment of her imagination while everyone else wondered what the hell happened to the days where everyone just sat around talking about va-jay-jays.

#3 - Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Mr. Big (Chris Noth) in Sex and the City
I don't know which is worse: The on-again/off-again bullshit that the writers pimped out for six (SIX!) goddamn seasons and two fucking movies, the fact that even while she was dating guys who were named after gay porn stars (No, really) all she could think about was the rich guy with the big dick or that we're supposed to buy into the notion that their romance, based entirely on convenience, is true. All I know is, these people need to get to the fucking convent before they procreate.

#2 - Bella (Kristen Stewart) and pretty much fucking everyone in Twilight
This one may not be the most annoying, but it is the most culturally poisonous; Apparently, Bella's only standard for dating is that her guy needs to be some sort of pussified mythical creature. It doesn't matter if he treats her like total shit and never full reciprocates her feelings (Edward) or simply lies in wait until she's emotionally vulnerable and easily manipulable (Jacob), he just needs to be inhuman. You see ladies? Guys don't need to treat you with respect or decency, they just need to fulfill a weird fetish of yours.

#1 - Ross (David Schwimmer) and Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) in Friends
Like you totally didn't see this one coming. Eight years. Eight goddamn years of the writers playing the "are they or aren't they card" and for what? They get together at the end of the series? Well Jesus fucking Christ, it's a Christmas miracle. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor and pop the champagne because the two most unlikable people on a TV show run into the ground might be fucking. Truly, my life is complete.

How To Bullshit Your Way Through Valentine's

Step 1: The Restaurant

Start off by making a reservation at a restaurant. Any restaurant, really. Apparently, the fact that you can pick up a phone and make sure that there will be a table waiting for you on the day people demand romantic gestures is a fucking panty-melter if ever there was one.

Step 2: Flowers

Can you drive to the nearest flower shop? Can you pay $20 for a dozen roses? Well then aren't you just a regular fucking Casanova. What better way to tell your loved ones how special they are then by giving them the exact same thing everyone else is getting?

Step 3: Chocolates

Much like your relationship, most of the chocolates look good at first glance, but upon further inspection, the better part of them are just absolute shit. Chances are, she'll eat the five good ones then throw out the twenty or crap chocolates that absolutely fucking no one likes.

Step 4: The Movie

What's that? You want to go see a well-written movie with competent acting and professional directing? Well fuck you Mr./Mrs. Elitist, because you're going to pay good money to see one of the various shitty Romantic-Comedies that Hollywood seems content to crap out for this exact season and you're going to fucking like it.

Step 5: The Card

And here's where it all comes together. You could write an honest, staightforward letter about you true feelings, but emotions and independent thought are for pussies, which is why James Cameron now has more money than God. Considering that most people write at a third grade level (which shouldn't be all that surprising considering your education program is based on The Three R's, a system where 66% of the curriculum is spelled incorrectly), you're best bet is to buy a mass produced Valentine's Day card, because impersonal corporations who have never met you know exactly how you feel.

Just follow those five steps and I guarantee you will be up to your neck in pussy. Happy fucking Valentine's Day. Weep for humanity.

Bad Romance: The Start Of The 1st Annual Anti-Love Week

It's Valentine's week, and as you all know, I fucking despise Valentine's. Hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate. Honestly, I hate VD more than life itself. Therefore, I have declared this week to be Anti-Love Week here at NOBN, which (as you might expect) is seven days of pure, unadulterated hate to balance out the capitalist, faux-sentimentality of VD. To kick things off, here's a first in a series of honest Valentine's Day Cards. Give it to someone you love hate this Valentine's Day!