Your Daily Dose Of Zombie Goodness

What if I told you there was a mod out there that combined my loves of video games, zombies, violence, and the senseless slaughter of beloved childhood icons? Well now there is. Your welcome, Earth.

Who Killed Jeremy Feist?

This is what I would look like as a zombie. Well, sorta. I just smeared a bunch of flour and ketchup on my face to make myself look as dead as possible on a dare from Rocco Giovanni. Normal people probably wouldn't have done it, but then again, normal people have things like "Dignity" and "Self-Respect". Neither of which, you should probably know by now, I actually have. Well, that, and let's face it: Zombies are AWESOME. And I look totally hot covered in blood/ketchup.

Zombies vs. Vampires

Well, I could do a serious post on Sri Lanka or something like that, but no. Instead I will be using my time to debate the pros and cons of things that don't exist. Honestly, if print media ran more articles about the undead, maybe they wouldn't be as totally fucked as they are right now.

1. Movies

Vampires
To date, there have been only two vampire movies worth a flying fuck: Dracula and Let The Right One In (for the sake of my sanity, I'm just gonna pretend that the impending remake, Let Me In, doesn't exist). Other than that, it's been a sea of absolute shit, with Van Helsing and Twilight immediately springing to mind.


Zombies
There is no such thing as a bad zombie movie. On top of the fantastic 28 Days and 28 Weeks, we've also had Shaun of the Dead, The Evil Dead trilogy, Dawn of the Dead...Hell, even the shitty Zombie flicks like Zombie Strippers are hilariously awesome.

Winner
Zombies, naturally. Vampire movies fucking suck. My apologies to all the out-of-touch tweens out there, but Edward Cullen is a fucking pussy.


2. Foes

Vampires
Along with the aforementioned Van Helsing, Vamps also have a natural enemy in Buffy Summers. And of course, later on they would have an entire goddamn army of women who can kick ass on a paranormal level to deal with. And Willow. Don't forget Willow! Basically, vampires are fuh-UCKED.


Zombies
There haven't been many definitive zombie-slayers, with the exception of Ash from the Evil Dead trilogy. Bruce Campbell with a chainsaw for an arm? Fuck yeah, dude.

Winner
Vampires. Let's face it: Buffy was fucking AWESOME. As much as I love me some Chainsaw-Campbell, Buffy was badass on levels never thought to have existed. Point for the vamps!

3. Fuckability

Vampires
While there are a multitude of vampires from True Blood that many of you would find fuckable, let's face it: Any of that cool, forbidden charm that vampires once had has been forever lost thanks to the throngs of tweens who can't quite understand that Edward Cullen DOES NOT EXIST.

Zombies
Okay, this can kinda go either way. On one hand, they're corpses. On the other hand, thus far, Jenna Jameson, Francois Sagat and Rocco Giovanni have all portrayed zombies. You cannot tell me that you wouldn't sleep with any of the above.
Yowza.
Winner
Zombies. Although I blame this victory on the fact that, let's face it, gay porn stars are teh sexy.
...I'll be in my bunk.


4. Powers

Vampires
Oh Godtopus, what don't these guys have...They can fly, they can turn into bats, wolves and fog, they have super strength, they can hypnotize you, and they feed on your blood. Vampires will fuck your shit up.

Zombies
Ummmmm...Well, they can survive massive amounts of pain without dying, and they can turn others into zombies, and...yeah, that's about it.

Winner
Vampires. Honestly, the perks alone are worth switching over to the undead. Who wouldn't want to be able to turn into a bat?


5. Weaknesses

Vampires
They may have a shit-ton of powers, but just about everything can kill a vampire. Wooden stake through the heart, decapitation, Holy water, crosses, sunlight, garlic, burning...Everything short of a cold can kill these guys off.

Zombies
There is only one way to kill a zombie: Destroy the brain. Nothing else will destroy them. You can set them on fire, riddle them with bullets, hack off all their limbs, but they'll keep coming. Forever. And the screaming...Oh God, the screaming...It never stops. WHY WON'T IT STOP?

Winner
Zombies. THEY JUST WON'T STOP! WHY WON'T THEY JUST STOP?!

The Winner Is...

Zombies! Take up your mantle as the reigning champions of the undead!

Boys and Girls of Every Age, Wouldn't You Like to See Something Strange?

It's October, and you know what that means! Well, aside from Black & Blue. And the Canadian Thanksgiving. It's Halloween! That magical time of year where you can beg for candy dressed like a total skank and no one will make you feel guilty for it!

But of course, aside from dressing up like a sexy nurse/flight attendent/witch/serial arsonist, it's also a pretty easy excuse to go on a horror flick binge. So in honour of Halloween, here are the ten movies you have to watch for Halloween.

10. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

Or as I like to call it, "The Peanuts special where Linus fucks up and ensures that he'll die a virgin". Seriously, the poor kid had to deliver one of the most well known dialogues in the history of Christmas just to make up for this clusterfuck. The Great Pumpkin?! Really? Sweet merciful Godtopus. And for that matter, who the fuck gives out rocks on Halloween? The parents in this town are total assholes.

9. Halloween

This is kind of a given, isn't it? And of course, I'm talking about the ORIGINAL Halloween, not the forgetably Rob Zombie remake. Sure, the name of Michael Meyers may be ruined thanks to Mike Meyers and his knack for making completely shit movies, but he's still creepy as fuck.

8. The Blair Witch Project

With Cloverfield no longer topical and the likely soon to flop Quarantine coming out, it's nice to look back at where the fourth wall first got it's ass handed back to it. Compared to the new generation of horror, where movies are only scary if they feature one of the characters drinking an intestine smoothie, it's good to look back on subtlty. Remember subtlty? It's dead now.

7. The Excorcist

This is why I'm getting a v-sec. No child of mine is getting demonically possessed. Fuck that shit. But yeah, Linda Blair freaked my shit out. Seriously, did you SEE how far around her head can go? And the puke! Holy shit, I do not want to deal with that.

6. Scream

Something I should probably tell you right now: I grew up on movies from the 90's. I love 90's movies. And I love Scream. What can I say? It was the first horro movie to realise how stupid it was. And you know what? It was pretty good!

5. Final Destination

Oh my Godtopus, did I ever love this movie. Take a bunch of teens,have them avoid horrible accident, then have death pick them off in the most cartoony way available. Sure, it's repetitive as hell, but a shit-ton of fun.

4. Friday the 13th

I've never been to summer camp. My kids (knock on wood) will not go to summer camp. And assuming the world hasn't been overrun by zombies, my grandkids aren't going to summer camp. You know why? Because the counselors are idiots who let children drown and routinely get killed off by old people while having sex. Also, Kevin Bacon goes there. So yeah, it's not happening.

3. Nightmare on Elm Street

I know everyone falls between team Freddy and team Jason, but I have to side with Freddy on this one. Sure, he wears a Christmas sweater, but have you seen his kills? Each one is tailor made to fit each person's vice. Now THAT's just good business. The original still stands as the best, though if you can throw the third one in for good measure. And while you're at it, you might as well watch the second too. The second movie was GAY GAY GAY. Get on it.

2. Night of the Living Dead

ZOMBIES. IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT GODDAMN ZOMBIES. This is pretty much required viewing if you plan on living through the Zombie Apocalypse. This is one of the first and arguably the best zombie movie ever made.

1. Everything Tim Burton Ever Made

Nightmare Before Christmas. Edward Scissorhands. Corpse Bride. Sweeney Todd. Mars Attacks! And of course, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Enough said.