All Bow Before The Smiley Spider

Okay, so anyone who knows me knows that spiders tend to turn me into a screaming, hytserical mess of a human being. Especially the big, nasty, hairy ones. Did you know that spiders actually had mouths? And that they're terrifying? I learned this last week. That being said, look at that adorable little guy up there. Awwwwwwww, it's so cute! Sure, spiders make me go all scared and screamy, but look at him, he's smiling! And those cute little green eyes...

I want one. I want one of these as a pet.

I'll name him Snowball, and I'll feed him whatever the fuck those little guys eat, and at Christmas I'll take a picture of him wearing a little Santa hat and put it on my Christmas Card and send it to everyone I know. I mean, yeah, he'll probably end up escaping from his cage one night while I'm asleep and eating my brain, but it's a small price to pay for being able to take Snowball out on a little spider-walk around the neighbourhood.

Also, I just found out today that when Jonathan stole my car the other day to go down to Burlington*, he was actually driving on a flat tire, which then became a completely-fucking-destroyed tire. Anyways, today Dad brought me the bill for the car that I NEVER FUCKING DRIVE and asked me, in utter sincerity, "So, who's paying for this?"

I thought he was joking me. I've honestly only ever driven the car a handful of times since I bought it last August, while Jonathan drives it everyday. I mean, I'm sure Jon will pay for it (actually, make that "He WILL pay for it, if he appreciates not having broken knee caps"), but seriously, what the fuck would have possibly given him the idea that I would pay for something he did? Fuck that shit. Jonathan knew about the tire, he was asked to bring it in for a change, and instead he drove it five hours to and from the States. Fuck him in the ear. I'm not paying $300.

*The best part about all this? He went so he could buy clothes from Hollister and American Eagle. All my brothers wear v-neck shirts and faux-hawks, and blow-dry their hair. How the fuck did I turn out to be the homo in this equation?

UPDATE! Courtesy of Matt the Great!...Thank you so much for making my sad little dreams come true. Now with added monoclle goodness! I love you, Mattie!

Who Loves Ya, Sarah?

Yup. I made a tasty, tasty Lemon Chiffon Cake today. And before anyone asks, no, there is no jizz in this cake. The fact that I even had to say that worries me. You know who you are, jerkface. Teeheehee!

Not much else happened today. Went to work, then after that, I went to see Marley & Me. Don't judge me, it's not that bad. It's akin to eating frozen yogourt. Not the most exciting of things, but it's sweet enough and doesn't leave you with that much guilt. Although the ending killed me. You probably already know how it's gonna end, but for the sake of not being a spoiler, I won't give too much away. All I'll say is, I saw it coming like a truck in the middle of a fucking valley, and I didn't even bother stepping out of the way. One minute I've got my poker face on, the next they're playing the dead dog card and I'm sobbing into my Reece's Pieces. Oh yeah, I'm dignified. You see the things I do for you Matt?

A completely useless FYI here, but I suck at Poker. The instant I get anything remotely resembling a good hand, I'm drunk and naked on the table doing celebratory air fucks into the faces of the other players. Just so you know.

The Taste of his Cherry Chapstick...

Well, what a weekend it's been. To the canadians who read this, hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving! And to the americans, Happy (*snort*) Columbus Day (*snicker*). Anyways, let's go through my weekend, shall we?

Well first off was Pierre's release party for "One Night With Pierre Fitch" at the Skye Restobar. Mind you, I just finished my midterms, so I hadn't had a drink in damn near FOREVER. So to make up for lost time, I decided to get drunk off my ass in the first, oh, say, twenty minutes. One cosmo, two Coke and Rums, Three Jack and Cokes, and one mysterious shot Pierre gave me. I'm stil not sure what was in it, but really, who cares? Anyways, Jeremy Hall showed up, and after getting off the guys from mancandy.com, I stumbled over to introduce myself. All I can say is, THANK GOD for Jeremy Hall, who kept me from falling face first on the floor and who bought me a red bull.

And we kinda made out.

Yeah.

I wasn't going to tell you guys, mostly because I try not kiss and tell, but Pierre kinda let it slip already. Not that I mind, of course. What can I say? I went downstairs to the bathroom, and he was upstairs making sure I was alright and I didn't pass out in the bathroom. Then he pulled me over behind the curtains, and well...

That's all you fuckers are getting. Sorry, but I'm not going into detail. All I can say is, Jeremy was a complete gentleman, and he was incredibly sweet to me.

The day after that was Mom's Thanksgiving, which I had to weather with a pounding headache, and the day after that was Dad's birthday/Thanksgiving. Of course, once again, I was the only one who bothered getting him a gift, so of course, they all signed the card. I mean my God, you know when it is, would it kill you to pick up something? ANYTHING?! Jeebus, we've been doing this for almost twenty years now, and not ONCE have they ever picked up a birthday gift for EITHER parent. Yeesh, what these three would do without me is completely beyond me.

Anyways, that's my weekend. If I can find any pics from the party, I'll steal them and put them up here. Lates, bitches!

(P.S., Matt the Great has another interview up from Roman Heart, which you can read Here. Actually, he sent the questions last night, and Roman answered the day after. Quick huh? Thanks Roman!)

I Met A Celebrity!

Guess who saw his first celebrity yesterday? I did! Weee!

Anyways, Blog Fav/Porn Star/Incredibly Nice Guy Pierre Fitch wrote a lil note saying that he needed to get rid of a couple extra DVDs lying around. I decided to help him out because A) I am SUCH a good person, and B) I am completely powerless against a sale. So we arranged to meet in the Village.

So I went down, met him at the cafe, and of course, he's being really sweet, and of course, I begin stuttering like a complete tool. Fuck me. Something about hot guys that immediately turns me into a huge klutz. Anyways, here's a brief sampling of our conversation...

Pierre: Hey, how are you?

Me: (Incoherent babbling)

Pierre: It's great to finally meet you!

Me: (More incoherent babbling)

Pierre: So, you want me to sign it for you?

Me: (Yup. Still an idiot)

Pierre: ...I'm sorry, are you feeling okay?

Me: (Collapse)

Well, mind you, it didn't go THAT badly, I'm just embellishing for the sake of a good story. But still, I felt like a pretty huge idiot afterwards. Thankfully, he didn't even mention it, so THANK YOU for that one, Pierre.

And just to show you how nice he is... Look, he signed it! Yay!


Therefore, all readers are noe required to love Pierre Fitch. I SAID LOVE THE FITCH!

Also, nicest guy ever Matt The Great! has his own blog, which you can (and will) check out Here!