Wednesday, January 14, 2009

All Bow Before The Smiley Spider

Okay, so anyone who knows me knows that spiders tend to turn me into a screaming, hytserical mess of a human being. Especially the big, nasty, hairy ones. Did you know that spiders actually had mouths? And that they're terrifying? I learned this last week. That being said, look at that adorable little guy up there. Awwwwwwww, it's so cute! Sure, spiders make me go all scared and screamy, but look at him, he's smiling! And those cute little green eyes...

I want one. I want one of these as a pet.

I'll name him Snowball, and I'll feed him whatever the fuck those little guys eat, and at Christmas I'll take a picture of him wearing a little Santa hat and put it on my Christmas Card and send it to everyone I know. I mean, yeah, he'll probably end up escaping from his cage one night while I'm asleep and eating my brain, but it's a small price to pay for being able to take Snowball out on a little spider-walk around the neighbourhood.

Also, I just found out today that when Jonathan stole my car the other day to go down to Burlington*, he was actually driving on a flat tire, which then became a completely-fucking-destroyed tire. Anyways, today Dad brought me the bill for the car that I NEVER FUCKING DRIVE and asked me, in utter sincerity, "So, who's paying for this?"

I thought he was joking me. I've honestly only ever driven the car a handful of times since I bought it last August, while Jonathan drives it everyday. I mean, I'm sure Jon will pay for it (actually, make that "He WILL pay for it, if he appreciates not having broken knee caps"), but seriously, what the fuck would have possibly given him the idea that I would pay for something he did? Fuck that shit. Jonathan knew about the tire, he was asked to bring it in for a change, and instead he drove it five hours to and from the States. Fuck him in the ear. I'm not paying $300.

*The best part about all this? He went so he could buy clothes from Hollister and American Eagle. All my brothers wear v-neck shirts and faux-hawks, and blow-dry their hair. How the fuck did I turn out to be the homo in this equation?

UPDATE! Courtesy of Matt the Great!...Thank you so much for making my sad little dreams come true. Now with added monoclle goodness! I love you, Mattie!


jamiepants said...

That spider is precious. To look at. Please don't bring Snowball around me unless you want me to cry.

Matt the Great! said...

Can you trade your brother in for a new and improved model?

Robert said...

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!! - I hate spiders and they can kill humans over here in Oz

meaux said...

Awwww. I hate spiders, but still...awwwww. Matt, nice work! Superspider is tooth-achingly adorable!

Marra Alane said...

What kind of people drive 5 hours across state lines to buy fucking Hollister? Your brothers confuse me.