Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Scathing Pin-Ups for Bitchy People

Okay, so today I got a call from Bitchtits informing that two packages came for me from the U.S., one of them from Feisty Media. At first, I assumed this was Feist serving me a subpoena for taking her name, then remembered that it was actually Turk Mason/Melrose/Something sending a congratulatory pic my way. I couldn't exactly tell Bitchtits that, so I made up some bullshit excuse that one of my friends from High School got an internship at a media company that did album artwork, so he just sent them from the mailroom in there. Honestly, even I'm surprised at how fast I managed to pull that one out of my ass.

So I went over to Bitchtits' house, where, sure enough, there was a very pretty, very NSFW signed pic of Turk, which I've since added to my small (but growing) pile of things gay porn stars have signed for me. It's a work in progress. Oh wouldn't my mother be proud to know that I know the lead actor in Bareback Mountain (For the record, YES, that is a real movie, YES, Turk starred in it, YES, this is the greatest thing ever).

Admit it: This is without a doubt the coolest thing you'll see all day. Also, not to worry, I fully appreciate the irony that my future porn name and a studio's porn name are the same. Actually, I laughed a little when I heard.

After searching around for the box of cigars that should have rightly been mine but was totally jacked from me at the last minute, I found out that it had already been open, and was already halfway finished. So I stole Bitchtits' cell phone charger and went shopping. Don't bother trying to follow that line of logic, 'cause even I'm not gonna bother.

I went to HMV to (finally) pick up albums from Fleet Foxes and MGMT. I haven't actually listened to them yet, since the CD/DVD drive on my laptop is being a cunt. But that's not the point. The point was that while standing in line to fork over money to one of the many overly-pierced hipster cashiers, I noticed a 2009 calendar featuring (of all things) The Love Guru. The fact that someone would actually pay money for a calendar featuring an incredibly unfunny movie from last years makes me want to punch God in the face.

But it got me thinking, people need calendars, and Godtopus knows the Eloquents are by far the most sexy/perverted people ever (seriously, Jay and Sarah, please fuck each other already). I'm pretty sure the ideas been discussed, but what if we got the sexiest of the Pajibans and made a sexy calendar for charity? We could make spoof movies a la Bareback Mountain, pose for the poster, and then sell them, and give all the money to Alabamapink? Admit it, you know you love it.

Anyways, that's all for now. I'm off to go convert all my american money back to our crappy monoploy-esque Canadian bucks, walk Kahlua, and maybe by another pack of Passive-Aggressive Revenge Cigarettes. Lates.


Rusty said...

There is something drastically wrong with the arm of the one guy on that cover. I probably only noticed that because I'm not the target audience.

And also, you're not the first Pajiban male to try and get me to take my clothes off over the internet, but you are the first who I genuinely believe does not have ulterior motives.

Robert said...


Sofi said...

I love your idea!! E-mail it to Stacey and ask her to put it in Pajiba Love.

jamiepants said...

I recently lost about 10 lbs, so I'm not above it.

Dropout! said...

I fully support the Pajiba calendar, as long as we get some males in there too. Naked. And I would volunteer if it didn't mean having to explain this to my friends.

Jeremy Feist said...

Rusty: I ASSUME you're not referring to Turk (He's the one on your left hand side with the tattoo on your shoulder). Because that wouldn't be good. No, not at all. *Ominous Music*

Robert: :) Right back at ya.

Sofi: Thanks! Maybe later. For now, que sera, sera.

jamiepants: Yay! Which month do you want to be?

Dropout: I'll defs try. Maybe on of the Pajibettes, one of the Pajiboys. We all secretly wanna see the Pookster's black snake, don't we?

Figgylicious said...

That is pretty fucking amazing.

I am loving your blog more and more with every post.


-Miss September

Nicole said...

Count me in for the calendar - it's a stroke of genius (yes, I went there.)

By the way, I claim December. I'm thinking a Santa hat, fishnets, and dominatrix boots.


meaux said...

Ooh, love the idea! I'm a bit of a cameraphobe (and it doesn't much like me either), but maybe I can help with the spoof movies....

Obviously, we'd have to do "Godtopussy." Oh, and do you think we can talk Che Grovera into a tasteful "Muppets Take Manhattan: In My Pants" spread?

Jeremy Feist said...

Figgylicious: Why thank you, Ms. September. have you decided on which movie you're gonna spoof?

Nicole: Oh, snap! Oh no you di'int! But yeah, there are like five people all trying to claim December right now. Not sure how we're gonna work this out, but we will.

Meaux: Of course you can help out behind the scenes! With any luck, I may just convince some of my pornstar bretheren to help out with the shoot. Godtopussy is a go, as is Che's Muppet pic. I'm thinking something black and white, with Miss Piggy in a floor length ball gown. Classy.

Nicole said...

Well, I wanted December since it's my birthday but I'm easy, so stick me anywhere. (Hey-o!)