The Vacation, Episode 3: Are You There Godtopus? It’s Me, Jeremy

All I can say right now is please, for the love of Godtopus, let me be adopted. More on this later. But for now, let’s do some recapping

Thursday, we went to the aquarium to ogle some us some fish...or fishes. Yeah, does anyone know what the plural of fish is? Anyways, the rest of the family went swimming with dolphins, while I stood by taking pictures. I’m sure Dolphin Diving is fun, but (A) swimming with anything resembling a shark will likely result in me freaking my shit out, and (B) Dolphins have been known to gang rape and beat other dolphins for shits and giggles. As much as I would love to swim with the natures fratboys, pass.

After that, we went to go see shows involving trained Sea Lions and Nurse Shark feeding. The latter actually had trainers who went into the water, picked up a fucking shark and brought it out into the audience. I’m fairly surprised that they still had all their digits, especially since they had a part of the show where they picked up the sharks, displayed their hoo-has and kissed them on the snouts. I’m just saying, if some asshole slapped my vajooter in front of an audience, then tried to get second base with me, they’d be missing some toes.

Friday, I spent most of the day poolside, trying different drinks off the menu. I tried a Brandy Alexander, since both Feist and Ron Sexsmith wrote a song about it. It’s not bad, actually. It tastes like chocolate milk with a kick. I also tried a Zombie, thanks to Matt’s suggestion. It’s pretty good, but holy jeebus does it ever sneak up on you.

I was actually having a pretty good day until I passed by one of the pool workers leading some guests in a dance number. I was just passing through when all of a sudden, the guy has my limp ass wrist in a death grip, trying to get me to join. Two things are wrong with this scenario:

1: I do not dance.

2: You do not grab any part of me without my say so. Unless you’re hot, in which case, hey, all yours.

Since being assaulted by The Dominican Fun Nazi wasn’t exactly high on my list of things to do, I just told him I left something behind, and took the long route around. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I heard him screaming “YOU VEEL HEF FUN!” at the others.

After that, we went out to dinner, and once again, he got drunk. Then he decided to drive the golf cart. I’m not sure if you can get a DUI in one of those, but I decided to walk back, rather than risk seeing my Dad pulled over for Drunk Driving. The fact that when I got home none of them were dead, on fire or incarcerated (or any combination thereof) was both a surprise and kind of a disappointment. To be honest with you, they all act like this all the time. I’m really starting to think that I’m adopted, although this may just be wishful thinking.

Anyways, for now, they’re all out getting lunch, and I’m back at the pool, sampling new drinks and tanning. I’m a little darker now, in case you’re wondering, although I’m thinking of buying some minutes at a tanning salon when I get back. Depends on how I feel, really.

Anyways, talk to you later!