Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dying Is Fine: 10 Ironic Deaths

Attila The Hun

Who the Fuck Was He?
The crazy motherfucker who conquered everyone and their dog, then proceeded to reproduce like a room full of methed out Rabbits. He was basically a bit of a crazy motherfucker. That being said, he was a lot of fun at parties, assuming he didn't kill everyone and rape their corpses.

How'd He Die?
Nose Bleed. I'm serious, he died from something that could have been prevented with a humidifier. Apparently, on the night of his wedding, he partied a tad too hard, and ended up with a nose bleed. He then proceeded to choke on his own blood. Charming.

Jim Fixx

Who The Fuck Was He?
Jim was pretty much the guy who made jogging mainstream. You know those mallwalkers who shuffle by while you're waiting in line at the Cinnabon? You can thank Jim for them.

How'd He Die
Massive Heart Attack while jogging. Despite literally writing the book on running (called The Complete Book of Running), he also had a family history of poor health, as well as a bit of a past as a slob. Go fig.

Myra Davis

Who The Fuck Was She?
Remember the infamous shower scene from Psycho? Well, Myra was the body double for Janet Leigh.

How'd She Die?
Strangled to death. While this in itself doesn't exactly scream "IRONY MOST FOUL!", it helps to remember that the person she was strangled by was the caretaker/handyman of her house. Kinda like Norman Bates in Psycho. Oooooooo...

Johann Underwald

Who The Fuck Was He?
Johann was a brilliant mathematician. Not exactly and exciting job, but he was referred to as the next Einstein, so, you know, there was that.

How'd He Die?
Well, you might want to hold onto those Einstein comparisons. While I may be a total re-re at Calculus, even I know that you shouldn't try to pull off a 250' bungee jump with a 300' rope. Dumbass.

Jimi Hendrix

Who The Fuck Was He?
Oh come on, if you can't figure out who Hendrix is, you probably still haven't figured out how stupid that last death was. Fine, Jimi was pretty much the greatest fucking Guitar Player ever. Anyone care to disagree? I don't think so...

How'd He Die?
Chocked on his own vomit, but that's not where the irony kicks in. Jimi died in 1970, Five years after writing "The Ballad of Jimi", which included the line,
"Five years, this he said. He's not gone, he's just dead"
Creepy, ain't it?

Felix Powell

Who The Fuck Was He?
During World Was I, Felix was responsible for writing the sickeningly optimistic marching song "Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag And Smile, Smile, Smile". I just puked in my mouth a little bit.

How'd He Die?
Suicide. Yes, the man who wrote the most annoyingly happy song ever shot himself with his own rifle. Which really doesn't bode well for the rest of us, especially you, Alanis Morissette.

Hand Steininger

Who The Fuck Was He?
He was pretty much famous for having the world's longest beard. Seriously, the damn thing was 4'6. Don't worry, his comeuppance for his poor choice in facial accoutrement is coming shortly.

How'd He Die?
He tripped over his own goddamn beard and broke his neck. In perhaps the greatest fail ever, in his attempt to escape a fire, Hans accidently stepped on his own beard, tripping himself and breaking his neck. Worst. Moustache Ride. Ever.

Bobby Leach

Who The Fuck Was He?
Bobby Leach made his living by cock slapping Death in the face in front of an audience. A professional Daredevil, Bobby was the second man to go over Niagra Falls and live to tell the tale. As you might expect, Death decided to collect in the most embarrassing way possible.

How'd He Die?
He slipped on an orange peel. Well, technically speaking, the fall injured his leg, which led to gangrene, which led to amputation, which led to his death two months later, but I prefer to think he died when he slipped on an orange peel and pulled a Charlie Brown flight through the air.

Alben Barkley

Who The Fuck Was He?
Alben was the 35th Vice President of the United States, having run with Harry S. Truman. He was also that guy who would always say "How can it possibly get any worse?" which would cause it to rain.

How'd He Die?
Heart Attack. Once again, while this doesn't sound too ironic, it helps to put it in perspective, since he died right after stating, "I'm glad to sit on the back row, for I would rather be a servant in the House of the Lord than to sit in the seats of the mighty." Guess not. Either God has a pretty sharp sense of humour, or he was really pissed about Truman winning.

King Bela I of Hungary

Who The Fuck Was He?
The very brief King of Hungary. Bela ascended to the throne by overthrowing his brother, which not only earned him the title of king, but effectively stream lined his Christmas Card list for the rest of is very short life.

How'd He Die?
Well, that throne he worked so hard to get had a canopy. Normally, this would be only a trifling detail, at least until the canopy fell down and crushed him. Mmmmmm...Irony.


Robert said...

Thanks Jeremy for the info.
May I leave you with politically incorrect piece flying around Australia.

The most powerful politician in the world is black.
The best golfer in the world is black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is black.
Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

x Robert

Robert said...

It is fucking hot here - 44 deg C with 40+ temps until Sunday. I am fucking melting man - it's too hot to do anthing!!!
Can I come and visit with you (not just for the cooler temps - promise)

Rusty said...

I'm assuming you're familiar with the Darwin Awards, but if not, you should seriously become familiar with the Darwin Awards.

Excellent list.

Figgylicious said...

Awesome list. My favorite was the bearded dude. Had to feel very fucking stupid as he fell, huh?

dammitjanet said...

Most excellent list!!!
I hope sincerely that you have checked out this book---


friggin' hilarious!!!! in a, sick and twisted sort of way, of course!

meaux said...

Hahaha, buddy, that's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time! Well done!

There apparently was an urban legend that Bobby "Don't Worry, Be Happy" McFerrin killed himself. Now I wonder if that started out of confusion with the Felix Powell story. (Gosh, that'd make an interesting E! True Hollywood Story...)

Dropout! said...

OK, I thought the list was funny, but I'm going to play irony cop for a second. Myra Davis's and Alben Barkley's deaths were not ironic, but coincidental. Hand the Beard Guy got what was coming to him, King B was karma, and Jimi Hendrix's was a setup. A SETUP I TELL YOU! LONG LIVE HENDRIX!

Jeremy Feist said...

Robert: Hee! You can come up here anytime! You might wanna bring a jacket though.

Rusty: Actually, Matt pointed it out yesterday while I was trying to scrounge together ten deaths. It's harder than you think. Who knew?

Figgy: I have no sympathy for that guy. I mean really, what would possess you to get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "I need a beard the height of a child"?

Dammitjanet: That looks amazing. I also found a book about all the different ways you can die. I didn't buy it, but I've been meaning to!

Meaux: I know, that's what I thought! Who knows, maybe they're related or something...

Dropout!: I like to think of them as being Ironic in an Alanis sort of way. Believe me, finding truly ironic deaths is some hard shit, girl!

Mr. Controversy said...

Thanks...now I can't get the image of Felix Powell with a grin on his face, right before he blows his brains out. All while his famous song is playing! (In my mind it looks like a shot out of a Coen Brothers comedy.)