Didn't do much today, since Jonathan stole my car and drove it down to fucking Burlington without telling me. In case you can't tell, I'm just a tiny bit pissed off right now. However, since the Golden Globes were last night and I didn't watch most of it because I was at work, I decided to make my own awards, The Notes On Bar Napkins Golden Ashtray Awards (or the Ashies for short). Yup, I'm milking the whole bar theme for all it's worth. Let's get started!
The Paul Haggis Award for Most Overrated Piece of Oscarbait
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
This one hurts me, mostly because it stars both Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchette (although then again, she's fucking EVERYWHERE, so chances are, she may inadvertently make the list a few more times. Sorry). But it had to be said, this movie is, on it's own, pretty good. However, when taking into consideration the release date, the source material, and the amount of a-list talent, you can't help but feel like this shouldn't have been better than it turned out to be.
The Tuchus Lingus Award for Most Obnoxious Pandering
Sex and the City
To put it bluntly, 2008 had more ass kissing and shameless sucking then the collection of DVDs hidden in my sock drawer. Religulous, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, An American Carol, Another Gay Sequel, Meet The Browns...Every group had their own little flick that begged for their money yet assumed they were so stupid, they would fork it over because OMG THEY AGREE WITH ME!!! And while Twilight was DEFINITELY in the running, that wasn't so much pandering to a group of people so much as it was milking a fad dry (although that doesn't mean it won't get its due). Sex and the City won this award for combining both shameless brown nosing and sucking the final remnants of the Carrie Bradshaw craze.
The Mysterious Crotch Rash Award for Most Annoying Trend
Remember when vampires were actually cool? They sucked the blood out of negligee-clad women, ruled the night, and ate chocolatey cereal with marshmallow bits. Hell, Christopher Moore even wrote a couple books about them. Then Stephenie Meyer pulled down her pants, bent over and took a big, steaming shit on Dracula. Twilight is bad. The movie is bad. The book is bad. Any medium this series moves into will be inherently bad. Get over it. Although to be fair, I have massive respect for Robert Pattinson, who actually had the balls to bash the source material. Kudos.
The "Please God, No More" Award for Most Continuous Stream of Crap
It all started with Scary Movie, the spoof of horror flicks that, to my prepubescent mind, was hysterically funny. But then they got tired of crapping those ones out, so the moved on to the incredibly unfunny Date Movie, then Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Superhero Movie and finally, la piece de resistance, Disaster Movie. All I can say is, please stop it. But I know my words fall on deaf ears, as this year we can expect Dance Flick as well as the soon coming Not Another Not Another Movie. Because fuck you, that's why.
The Drunk Uncle Award for Worst Holiday Movie
Congratulations Vince Vaughn. You went from Swingers and Wedding Crashers to becoming the next Tim fucking Allen. Not only was this a bad movie, it was an unforgettably bad movie. This movie was so bad, you actually had residual guilt from having watched it in the first place. Ho ho ho, Merry Fucking Christmas.
The "APPLAUSE" Sign Award for The Movie That Tried So Hard, Yet Failed So Miserably, To Be Funny Award
The Love Guru
I was considering giving this award to Larry the Cable Guy's Witless Protection, but decided to hand it to Mike Meyer's wonderfully unfunny flick instead. I'm sure they probably have the same amount of poop and midget jokes, but at least with Witless protection, you knew you were going for the bottom of the barrel. The Love Guru tried to be funny. When it was released, they had the promo department on overdrive. And guess what? It sucked. Hard. It's easily the most unfunny and useless movie Mike Meyers has ever done. And That's saying something.
The Lipstick On A Pig Award for Most Pitiful Attempt to Replace A Good Movie With Celebrity Cameo
Another Gay Sequel
Never heard of it? Good for you. That's probably because it went straight to DVD, and for good reason. If you were to compare Another Gay Sequel to other teen sex comedies, it probably wouldn't be any worse than most of its kind. That being said, that's not a good thing, since most teen sex comedies suck it big time. So how to remedy this? By marching out the celebrity cameos en masse. They snagged big name homo celebs like RuPaul (who I secretly adore. Tell no one), Michael Lucas (who I not so secretly adore), Lady Bunny, Brent Corrigan, Aden & Jordan Jaric, Coulton Ford, Amanda Lepore and (in breaking the patternof bringing on celebs people actually like) Perez Hilton. Unfortunately, they must have left the funny bits in the car or something. Who knows?
The "What A Twist!" Award for Most Fucking Ridonkulous Surprise Ending
Remember The Sixth Sense? Remember how it was actually pretty good and the ending made sense and was considered shocking? Well, that was almost a fucking decade ago, and looking at The Happening, it shows. The big surprise twist in this one was that plants were releasing weird shit into the air that made people kill themselves in the most inhumane way. And it ended with the ominous 50's B-movie style "It could happen anywhere. In our homes, across the sea, and even...IN OUR OWN CINEMA THEATRES!" God save us! Oh Zooey, I love you, but you really should pick your scripts better.
The Giant Douche And Turd Sandwich Award for Worst Performances, Male and Female
Paris Hilton for The Hottie and the Nottie
Martin Lawrence for College Road Trip and Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins
While Paris Hilton's "win" is pretty obvious for anyone half of a half of a brain, Martin Lawrence's movies both came out early enough in the year, to such a dreadful box office, that he flew under the radar. But sorry, both of your movies were fucking terrible. Enjoy Celebrity Rehab!
And Finally, The Award For Worst Picture of 2008
Kill yourself. You'll be happy you did.
To be fair, there were some good movies this year. So here's a couple awards for some actually good movies.
The Pierre Fitch Award for Movie You Totally Wanna Fuck
This movie was surprisingly not awful. And I may be the gayest gay in the U.S.Gay, but even I was a little turned on watching Angelina Jolie ride the hood of a speeding car, firing off hot lead like a vengeful Pez dispenser of bullets. And James McAvoy was suprisingly sexy. Who knew?
The "Don't Call It A Comeback" Award for a Comeback
Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler
I have to admit a sick sort of attraction to Mickey Rourke. Sure, his face literally looks like it's melting off his face, but the man is so imperfect that he seems, in a strange sort of way, sexy. He uses this imperfection for all it's worth in The Wrestler, playing a deeply complex and broken man rising from the ashes to fight to the end.
The Fanboy Award for Best Comic Book Movie
The Dark Knight
At the risk of inciting yet another Batman/Ironman flame war, I'm just gonna give this one to The Dark Knight, a remarkably poigniant and morose look at morality and society, with enough explosions to help the medecine go down.
The Sackboy Award for Most Adorable Animated Creature
Sure, I can go on and on about the underlying message of overconsumption or the brillaint way they told a story in that first half hour without using dialogue, but let's face it most people went to see it because it featured the be-all-end-all cutest little guy ever willed into existence.
The "Suck it, Apatow" Award for Funniest Movie
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Easily the most balls out hysterically funny you will see this year. I honestly can't remember laughing this hard at any movie. Kevin Smith will fucking destroy your shit, he will melt your girlfriend's panties, and he will leave you wanting. 'Cause that's how he rolls. Bitch.
The Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding Award for Best Movie You Didn't See
I was tempted to give this one to either Slumdog Millionaire or Happy-Go-Lucky, but I have a soft spot for In Bruges. It didn't recieve as much attention as the other two, but cold still hold it's own against them both. Plus, I'm just a big softy for Dark Comedies.
The "For Your Consideration" Award for Best Performances, Male and Female
Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married
For a flat out wonderful performance from an actresse who really isn't getting as much attention as she deserves.
Robert Downey Jr. for Iron Man, Charlie Bartlett and Tropic Thunder
Another underrated actor who finally got the recognition he deserved, and who then turned in one of the greatest comedic performances you'll ever see.
The Golden Ashtray Award for Best Picture of 2008
Considering how materiualistic and petty mainstream gay culture seems to have become (I'm looking at you, Christian Siriano), and seeing as how this is the year Prop 8 was passed, desrtoying countless marriages and turning an entire group of people into second class citizens, Milk came at the perfect time, to show us what we need to be and what need to do.
The Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius Award for Lifetime Achievement
Well, that's it for this year. Until the next. Cheers!