Thursday, January 29, 2009

The 10 Biggest Video Game Asshole Villains

Gary - Pokemon

This one kinda holds a special place in my heart, because Pokemon was the first game I ever beat by myself (Yes, I totally spammed the rare candy glitch, but who didn’t?). It was also featured Gary, who my twelve-year old self would come to despise. He was an over-privileged asshole throughout the game, which made beating him in a G-Rated dog-fight all the more sweeter (Also, was I the only one who named my Gary “Shithead” at the beginning of the game?).

Sexy Nurses – Any Silent Hill that isn’t 2

At first, these girls weren’t really annoying. They were physical manifestations of Silent Hill 2’s James repressed libido due to his wife’s illness. When they started showing up in every Silent Hill game afterwards, their overall air of creepiness kinda fell to zero. Yeah, we get it, they have boobs. They’re also dead and trying to kill you. Bit of a boner-killer there.

Waluigi – The Mario Series

Meh, might as well say it: Waluigi is the fucking Scrappy Doo of video games. As if Wario wasn’t quite annoying enough, we get Waluigi, a stretched out, purple version of Luigi that looks like he should be tying a damsel to some train tracks. Well, that or handing out free candy to children in an unmarked white van. Either/or, really.

Demyx – Kingdom Hearts II

This doesn’t have much to do with Demyx as it does KHII’s obsession with ear-fucking me by repeating stupid phrases. Basically, long story short: Demyx is part of group of villains who have no hearts, he fights with a Sitar, and he has an annoying habit of shouting “DANCE! WATER DANCE!”. This probably would have been funny if he didn’t shout this ten times a minute while Donald blew his magic load five seconds in and Goofy threw potions every time I got a scratch.

Tonberry – Final Fantasy Series

Don’t let the adorable little thing fool you: He will shank you and you will die. Little fucker just randomly pops up all by himself. You can smack him around a bit while he shuffles about aimlessly, then BAM! He shivs you with a knife and suddenly you’re dead. Asshole.

Re-Dead – Legend of Zelda Series

This skinny piss-ant makes the list for two reasons: A) He’s a zombie, and B) He’s the only one on the list who dry-humps you to death.

Seriously. First, he will freeze you in place, then he’ll hobble over to you and proceed to fuck you to death. And he doesn’t even bother buying you a drink first...

Dr. Salvadore – Resident Evil 4

Tip: If you go to a medical school that advocates running around, beheading random people for no reason, you might want to consider a transfer. And for that matter, how the fuck did he get a chainsaw? Seriously, the villagers around him are dirt poor, carrying around scythes and torches, and this motherfucker has a chainsaw? Bullshit.

The Duck Hunt Dog

The very first video game character that taught us how to hate...Sigh. Good times. Some of you might say that he isn’t really a villain, but come on; this snide little bastard would jump out of the grass every time you failed to shoot one of those fucking duck, and his laugh would echo in your soul throughout the day. That’s pretty fucked up right there.

Psycho Mantis – Metal Gear Solid

While the rest of the entries here are general douchebags, this is the only one on the list who actually fucks around with you physically. He’ll go through your memory card, make your controller move, and even pretend to make your system shut off. He’s basically a douchebag on a very meta level.

Piranha Plant – The Mario Universe

I really do hate these things. Since I’m late and it’s lazy, here’s my mini rant on these assholes.

I fucking HATED those pirannah plants! You'd be standing on top of a warp pipe, trying to fit Mario's fat ass down and oh wouldn't you know it, a goddamn tomato with teeth pups up and all of a sudden Mario is falling off the stage. And even when you were out of harms way, they were shooting fucking FIRE BALLS at you. Out of there mouth.

Fucking salad wannabe.


Matt the Great! said...

As much as I LOVE the Zelda games, I hate hate hate the Re-Dead. They are more annoying than anything else and almost impossible to defeat. Couldn't agree more!!!

Mr. Controversy said...

I'd also like to respectfully add ANY of the psychopaths in Dead Rising. Those bastards are fucked in the head.

Jeremy Feist said...

Matt: I know, right? The least they can do is buy you a drink, right?

Mr. Controversy: You might also want to add "The people who decided a wii port of DR would be a good idea". Yeah, REEEEEEEEEEEEALLY thought that one through.