Friday, January 9, 2009

Yes, You're Kid Is Precious. Please Shut Up Already.

Okay, so one thing you should probably know about my mom's side of the family is that we have our own dorky little family news letter. This is exactly as dorky as it sounds. And it isn't one of those monthly things that becomes, at best, a slight annoyance you casually throw into recycle bin...then subsequently go into the recycle bin and delete it again (Hotmail, go fig). This shit comes once every three days.

The best part about the whole thing is that pretty much every single letter is about their son/my cousin Scott. This would be the same guy who told some old bitch to (And I quote) "SUCK MY COCK!". He's a really good football player, so I guess there's some substance to it all. That being said, Scott could take a poop and his dad would be over the toilet, snapping pictures and typing a lengthy, thousand word diatribe on what an amazing poop his son just had and how it will go on to win the fucking Grey Cup.

And before you go there, I'm aware of the hypocrisy of bitching about my smug-ass uncle while I type away on my blog. But for the record, this is a BLOG. A blog is essentially a bottle of lube and Matthew Rush The Zombie Killing Dildo away from masturbation. But at least I don't slap the bullshit title of "Family News Letter" on it.

Anyways, today he sent us a two-thousand word missive on (wait for it) Scott going back to school. Seriously. I mean, yeah he goes to a prep school in the states, but still, who gives a fuck? And in case your wondering, yes, Scott was one of those kids who was tall, athletic, rich, won tons of awards and had good grades. And now he's at prep school. I was the theather geek who did all the behind the scenes crap and never won anything. And now I'm in dropout college. As I said before, I was the basketcase.

Anyways, sad to say, but we all secretly make fun of him behind his back for being such a smug, self-righteous prick. The best was last year, on my birthday, he writes one of those obligatory birthday posts, that goes "So-and-so is this year old! Condescending quote!" which is, by the way, nowhere near the "Oh Sweet and Happy Day this, for jeebus has risen again in the form of our child!". Anyways, last year, he decides to write "Jeremy sure has become quite the ladies man, hasn't he?" which kinda made batshit sense, since I had been out for over a year at that point. So I decided to fuck with him by writing to all of them "Thanks! My boyfriend thinks so too!" It was a nice little way to shut him up.

Not sure why I brought any of this up. It's fun making fun of my family. It's too easy. Anyways, so you know this post wasn't just for shits and giggles...NERD + Santogold. Who loves ya, Rusty?


Rusty said...

Awww, I totally downloaded that song once I found out you could get it for free. It's awesome.

And don't kid yourself, you are a ladies man. You got all the ladies of Pajiba willing to take scantily clad pictures for a calender. You just don't want to have sex with the ladies, and let's face it, that's really our loss ; )

Robert said...

Damn, why is it that all the hotties like you are gay?
Wait a sec, I'm gay and a guy - shit man - wanna fuck?
x Robert

meaux said...

Wow, your cousin sounds so freakin' special. Golly gee. And seriously, this newsletter goes out every three days? How much free time do these people have--and why are they assuming everyone else in your family has time to read that crap?!

Oh, poor Jeremy. You always manage to make my family sound sane in comparison--and I have two psychotic breakdowns, a drug overdose, and a few alcoholics swimming in my gene pool.

Hey, by the way--where does one get a Matthew Rush The Zombie Killing Dildo anyway?!

Jeremy Feist said...

Rusty: I fucking love that song. I guess your right about the whole "naked pajibettes" thing. But then again, it is for 'Bamapink.

Robert: Yes, let's. I'll bring Matthew ;)

meaux: It's not that my family is full on crazt, they're just easy targets. It's like fishing with dynamite in a barrel. And another Matthew? Google that shit. You'll be thankful you did.