Sunday, January 18, 2009

Ten Best Movie Death Scenes

10. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Now, on the surface, The Nightmare Before Christmas is pretty harmless. Sure, there are a few spooky little guys running around, and Jack could probably stand to eat a sandwich, but it's still relatively harmless, right? Not so much. Beneath the weird, quirky and colourful veneer lies one of the most horrific deaths imaginable. And it's a Disney flick, no less.

Our first kill comes at the very end when Jac goes head to head with The Oogie Boogie Man. Sure, it seems charming enough, until you take a step back and realize that Jack just tore off Oogie's skin (kinda), and his insides are spilling out into lava and being trampled on by Santa. Although maybe I'm just reaching for material here. Honestly, I'll use any excuse to write about this movie. I love it so...


9. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

My God, for a musical, this movie sure had a shit ton of blood, didn’t it? Granted, Sweeney Todd’s appeal came from the fact that he couldn’t give someone a shave without turning the poor bastard’s neck into a Tarantino blood fountain, but the worst death of them all came at the end.

SPOILER

Sweeney Todd dances around with Mrs. Lovett, then launched the woman into an oven. The fact that Helena Bonham Carter (who plays the unwitting kindling) was pregnant at the time makes this even more disturbing.

(And on another note, did anybody else expect Johnny Depp to jump up at the end, look into the camera and shout “The Aristocrats!” or was that just me?)


8. Shaun of the Dead

Sadly, this is the only zombie-related death on the list. David is the resident asshole of the group who resents Shaun for dating the woman for whom he has an unrequited crush, and then tries to shoot his mother in the face when she turns into a zombie. So it’s borderline cathartic to watch the asshole be torn in to people bacon by a group of ravenous corpses.

They really do not sugar coat this one either. Limbs are torn off, various segments of the digestive tract are removed...It’s safe to say he didn’t live to see the next day. Nor do I think he would have wanted to, either.


7. Final Destination 3
Formulaic? Yes. But my God is it ever entertaining. I mean sure they’ve pretty much released the same movie three times, and pretty soon, they’ll release it a fourth time, but it’s entertaining as shit, ain’t it?

Anyways, story thus far: Teens (portrayed by actors in their late 20’s and early 30’s for some reason) escape hopelessly gory death due to a vision, then they are picked off one by one in a Rube Goldberg Machine of cartoony gore. The best comes from the token jock, who takes a pair of weights to the head. This shit is the reason why I don’t have a gym membership. Well, besides that fact that I’m poor as fuck. And lazy.


6. Scanners

The original headsplosion. Words don’t really do it justice, you have to see it for yourself, really. A lot of love went into turning this man’s head into an exploding Gallagher watermelon. It’s art.


5. House of Wax

This one makes the list for the same reason that anybody actually bothered buying a ticket to see this movie: You finally get to watch Paris Hilton, the physical manifestation of everything that is wrong with the world, bite it. Hard.

Although there’s way too much self-awareness to the situation. Not only is she in a bra and panties, but she dies by taking a shaft through the face while a grainy camera films it all. Yes, we get it, you made an incredibly boring sex tape and people cared about it for some reason. Shut your trap, ho.


4. Nightmare on Elm Street

Yup, that’s twice Johnney Depp has made the list. Fucker is the king of blood spurting gore, huh? The original nightmare is still the best (while the third is the most entertaining, and the second is without a doubt the gayest), and still holds the title of best kill.

While it does seem rather painful to be pulled through your mattress and be turned into a geyser of chunky, bloody bits, you have to admit, anybody dumb enough to fall asleep with a fucking TV on top of them kinda has it coming.


3. Deep Blue Sea

True story: I saw this movie when I was around, what ten years old? Who knows. Anyways, we were all huddled about five feet away from the TV, watching Samuel Motherfucking Jackson deliver one of those inspirational speeches, when suddenly a shark the size of a fucking bulldozer pops up, grabs him and drags him into the water. Since then, I haven’t been able to swim in a pool alone.


2. Jason X

Seeing as Jason had previously murdered teens at Camp Crystal Lake, then taking a short trip to Manhattan, Jason decided to take a trip into space where, for shits and giggles, he could be terrifying in zero gravity. While it had arguably the worst premise, it also had the best kill.

You have to wonder what the job description for this was. “Beautiful woman in her early 20’s needed for laboratory work. Must be comfortable wearing practically nothing while dissecting a cryogenically frozen monster that can awake at a moment’s notice. Also, you’ll be working next to an open vat of Liquid Nitrogen.” Nothing dangerous about that, huh?


1. The Cube

Kinda came out of left field, huh? Since all of eighteen people have actually seen this movie, I might as well sum it up for you: A group of strangers are trapped in a giant maze where each room contains a booby trap. There’s something about prime numbers and a guy with autism, but I wasn’t really listening because all I could think about was this guy being...Well, see for yourself.

I KNOW! What the fuck, that just came out of nowhere, didn’t it? Seriously, fucker just fell apart like he was made of lego. Jeebus.

4 comments:

Lainey said...

I hate that I love the "Final Destination" movies, but I do. I think they're awesome. And the first "Nightmare on Elm Street" was brilliant. It really was scary and gross and fun and Johnny Depp was soooo fucking HOT! That death scene was fantastically ridiculous!

Twilla said...

Man, I'm a big, ole freak... I've seen everyone of these movies and I used to quote "Scanners" all the time: I'm going to suck your brain dry!

Jeremy Feist said...

Lainey: I love them too. And Johnny is alright. He's a good actor, and decent looking, but he's really just alright. He knows how to pick a good script!

Twilla: Scanners is fucking art, honey. ART! Let no one tell you otherwise.

Figgylicious said...

Heehee, I remember when I first watched that Final Destination death, I cheered, LOUDLY, and declared it the best death EVER.

I just watched it like 5 times in a row. Hee.

The best part about FD is how easily they gloss over the deaths, and just move along to the next piece of awesomeness. Great list!