Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Am Become Death, The Destroyer Of Worlds

I have a theory about Youtube. I believe that Youtube was actually created as a blackhole to swallow all the stupidity in the world and keep it contained. Need proof? Think about all the people who have become famous through Youtube. Now think about Youtube commenters. See my point?

Well, as much as I despise Youtube, it has it's benefits. For example, free music videos and live performances. But in that stupid little live feed on the main page, there was this one video that kept popping up like an flaring case of the herp. It's called "Kiss Me Through The Phone" and it's by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. There is not one part of that sentence that doesn't make me hate everything and everyone. Especially kittens. This video makes me hate kittens. Fuck you Soulja Boy Tell 'Em.

Here's the real-time review. Don't say I didn't warn you.

0:07: Wow, this guy does not cut corners. In the first seven seconds, I’ve seen bling roughly the size of a hardcover book, the token video ho, and in case you forgot who would be assaulting your eardrums for the next three minutes, the obligatory mumbling of “Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em”. Fuck me with a chainsaw.

0:26: And here we see the gimmick of the video. Boy meets Girl. Boy falls in love with Girl. Boy is away, so he calls Girl. Girl is unable to tell difference between real life and the pixelated mess that is her cell phone screen. Girl kisses cell phone. I wonder if you can get herpes through a phone, and if you could die from said herpes.

0:33: Yeah, I'm not doing this sober. I'm breaking out my boyfriend.

0:40: Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (his actual fucking name) finally starts rapping. I suddenly remember how much I hate humanity in general. And cell phones. God do I hate cell phones.

1:00: Completely random shot of Soulja Boy Kill Him (not his actual fucking name, more of a suggestion) going through his walk-in closet over rhymes of “I miss ya, I miss ya, I really wanna kiss ya”. Apparently, this song was written by an eight year old. I wouldn’t be surprised if the original lyrics were written in crayon.

1:18: And once again, she has her mouth on her cell like somebody dipped the damn thing in cookie dough. Seriously, we get it; you miss your boyfriend. Do you really need to kiss your phone? This girl needs to invest in a Matthew Rush The Zombie Slaying Dildo.

1:33: And now we cut to the two of them in their parent’s mansions, having an incredibly one sided conversation. She seems to be smiling, despite the fact that she’s currently being phone-raped in the ear right now, which leads me to believe that she has the damn thing on mute. Yeah, even partially drunk this video still sucks unbelievable amounts of balls.

1:57: And just for shits and giggles, let’s throw her on a treadmill. True story: One of my teachers was running on a treadmill in the school’s gym, only to have a heart attack and die. And they kept the machine, because the principal was a fucking douche. So now maybe you guys can sympathize with me when I say that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if said douche became a permanent, pulpy fixture in the grill of my car.

2:31: The video has now moved into the disturbing realm of “Viagra commercial” territory. Because there’s nothing more appealing than the thought of your shrivelled old parents bumping uglies. Phone sex: It’s fun for the whole family!

2:45: Funny, I remember this bottle being much more full. Fuck.

3:00: We’re nearing the end of the video right now, which means they’ve officially run out of material. Cue the shitty b-roll footage of groupies chewing on phones with the occasional shot of Soulja Boy Stab Him. For the record, I’m currently crying tears of acid à la Pandora after she opened the box of all evils.

3:15: The video fades to black while I cry out for God to no response. Maybe he’s kissing someone through a phone or something, who knows. Point is, this video has convinced me that Soulja Boy Tell Me To Shut Up needs to have a few toes cut off.

Unfortunately, Universal Media is full of assholes, and they won't let me embed the video. Fuck you, Universal Media.

Actually, come to think of it, they are preventing me from posting a shitty fucking Soulja Boy Tell 'Em video. So maybe not fuck you. I dunno, my brain parts are a little bit fucked after getting skullfucked by whatever the fuck that steaming pile of shit was. This video makes me swear, too. Statler and Waldorf, what do you two think?

My sentiments exactly.


Matt the Great! said...

OMG, I absolutely love the old guys from the Muppet Show. I could watch them all night. That was a classic show!

Robert said...

I agree Jeremy – banal at best, waste of space at worst!
X Robert

jM said...

Why would you do this to yourself?! I could have told that this would ONLY end in pain and homicidal thoughts. Do you know what happens when you stab a car radio with a nail file? I do, because of that fool.