Saturday, September 6, 2008

Are We Breakin' Up? Is There Trouble Between You and I?

Before I go the article, I'd just like to remind everyone that the cancer walk is coming up, and unless y'all start ponying up here, I'm not taking anything off. And then no one gets the sexy pictures. Is that what you want? Then head over Here and pledge, if you please. I only need $150 more dollars, then I'm taking it all off for you guys. Well, almost all of it. The undies are staying on.

Now, for what the post is actually about. One of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend of two year yesterday, and of course, she was miserable. She's past the sharp pain stage (a fairly quick stage, actually), and she's at the heavy pain stage, where it feels like your hearts been ripped out and replaced with a dumbell. Anyways, I sent her my breakup cure, which I'm hoping helped a bit, and I've decided to throw one up here too. So here it is, your guide to fixing a broken heart.

1: Music

You need weepy ass songs. You need lots and lots of weepy ass songs, actually. And not just one of those lame lil top 40 pieces of shit where they say "Baby" every five words, I mean the real shit. Here's a quick playlist you'll need.

Billie Holiday: Gloomy Sunday
Kate Nash: The Nicest Thing
A Fine Frenzy: Almost Lover
Broken Social Scene: Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl
Sia: Breathe Me
Nicole Atkins: The Way It Is
Fiona Apple: Never Is A Promise
Regina Spektor: Somedays
Stars: Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Modest Mouse: Little Motels
Feist: The Park
Imogen Heap: Hide And Seek
Alanis Morissette: Tapes
Emily Haines: Winning
Rilo Kiley: Does He Love You?
She & Him: Take It Back

2. Movies

Your gonna need a tear-jerker or two in there also. Obviously, you're going to want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind somewhere in there. While the Notebook has pretty much bought itself a seat in the chick flick hall of fame, you might as well add it in there for Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. And if you want something to perk you up a bit, go fr Futurama's Bender's Big Score, a movie both hysterically funny, but with surprising amounts of heart. And of course, if you need something that'll get your mind off what's-his-name, I might suggest Destination London or One Night with Pierre Fitch.

3. Books

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Please. It is physically impossible to read with a broken heart. Moving on.

4. Drinks

90% of your time during the healing process will be in a drunken stupor. While I swear by Vodka (liquid heartache), I've had suggestions of Boozehound's French .75 (Thanks, MO), either red or white wine (Thanks, Rusty), Tequila (Thanks, Sarah), Gin and Fresca, and even a Nyquil (Thanks, David!). Whatever floats your boat really.

5. Friends

No one ever got through a heart break alone. Surround yourself with them. True friends won't mind picking you up, dusting you off, and (in my case) mopping thrown up Vodka off the floor. So thanks to everyone who left some love while I got over mine.

That's about it. If I forgot anything, leave it in the comments. Happy Healing!


Sarah said...

Well, I've never suffered romantic heartbreak, because I've never been in love since commitment terrifies me and I always run away when things start to smell serious. I once had a miscarriage though, and that did break my heart. Granted, it's not exactly the same as romantic heartache but pain is pain, right?

When I was done with the sobbing until I vomited and lying around in shattered despair, I moved on to a solid couple of months of drunken, stoned out of my skull, reckless behaviour. Then I went camping and it was freezing and rained all weekend and I got sick and it turned into pneumonia (both viral and bacterial) and I was in and out of the hospital for six weeks.

That was a sufficient degree of ordeal to make me feel like I'd suffered enough, I guess, because then I started feeling like a normal human being again.

David said...

Here are David's cures for breaking up:

1) Your ex is not your friend. Do not call, do not write, do not text, do not smoke signal. Avoid places he or she will be, defriend him or her from MySpace and Facebook. Take him or her out of your phone and out of your instant messenger buddy lists. Maybe someday you'll be able to speak, but until you are able to forget about him or her completely, you're not ready.

2) Know that you will have bad days. There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself. You're going to slip and you're going to fall. What is important is that you don't let those days become expected. Keep telling yourself you're getting better. Own the pain, don't let it own you.

3) Drink Nyquil. Sleep. The more time your brain is awake, the more time you have to think and to ponder and to miss and to mourn.

4) Fill your time. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a full time commitment for many people. When it ends, there will be a lot of time that used to be dedicated to that person. Fill it with something, anything, so that you aren't twiddling your thumbs and crying.

5) Punch babies. They can't fight back.