Thursday, February 11, 2010

The 10 Worst Screen Couples Ever

#10 - Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Riley (Marc Blucas) in Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Honestly, if you tried to pinpoint the exact moment where Buffy started going down hill, it was when stupid Riley showed up. He was hot, yes, but Riley was fucking boring and kinda useless and we all know that Buffy could do so much better than this dork.

#9 - Ben (Seth Rogen) and Alison (Katherine Heigl) in Knocked Up
This one is pretty bad for two reasons: the first is that it ushered in the Hollywood fad of pairing an average looking dude with a hot and completely out of his league chick out of sheer wish fulfillment. The second was that their entire relationship is based around the fact the he got her eggo preggo. They don't actually love each other; she just happens to be lugging around his crothfruit.

#8 - Jake (Sam Worthington) and Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) in Avatar
Why yes, this entry is here for the sole reason of pissing off Avatards, why do you ask? Oh, and also because they're fucking furries. Seriously, at some point you have to wonder when people will back off and go "Hmmmm...Is it weird that the main character wants to fuck a giant cat?"

#7 - Vivian (Julia Roberts) and Edward (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman
What's that? It's just the story of a girl with a heart of gold finding the man of her dreams? Yeah, not really. No matter how you cut it, it's still a movie where Richard Gere can only love Julia Roberts after she fits in with the rich, elite crowd. Because love means completely selling out to people more powerful than you are.

#6 - Jim (Jason Biggs) and a pie in American Pie
...It's a fucking pie, you sick fuck. I don't care how boned up you are, WHO FUCKS A PIE?!

#5 - Anakin (Hayden Christensen) and Padme (Natalie Portman) in Star Wars: The Shitty Ones Everyone Hated
Christ, I don't think these two were involved so much as they were just spouting cliches at each other while George Lucas continued to curb stomp every last ounce of good will he had left. You know you're in a bad relationship when one of you dies, the other becomes pure evil and this is still seen as one of the better outcomes.

#4 - Izzie (Katherine Heigl) and Denny's Ghost (Jeffery Dean Morgan) in Grey's Anatomy
This is the one that elicited the most cries of "What in the fucking fuck is this fuckery?" and for good reason: somewhere down the line, the writers apparently got bored or just grew tired of Heigl's bullshit and decided to write the most fucking stupid story arch ever where Katherine Heigl fucks either a ghost or a figment of her imagination while everyone else wondered what the hell happened to the days where everyone just sat around talking about va-jay-jays.

#3 - Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Mr. Big (Chris Noth) in Sex and the City
I don't know which is worse: The on-again/off-again bullshit that the writers pimped out for six (SIX!) goddamn seasons and two fucking movies, the fact that even while she was dating guys who were named after gay porn stars (No, really) all she could think about was the rich guy with the big dick or that we're supposed to buy into the notion that their romance, based entirely on convenience, is true. All I know is, these people need to get to the fucking convent before they procreate.

#2 - Bella (Kristen Stewart) and pretty much fucking everyone in Twilight
This one may not be the most annoying, but it is the most culturally poisonous; Apparently, Bella's only standard for dating is that her guy needs to be some sort of pussified mythical creature. It doesn't matter if he treats her like total shit and never full reciprocates her feelings (Edward) or simply lies in wait until she's emotionally vulnerable and easily manipulable (Jacob), he just needs to be inhuman. You see ladies? Guys don't need to treat you with respect or decency, they just need to fulfill a weird fetish of yours.

#1 - Ross (David Schwimmer) and Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) in Friends
Like you totally didn't see this one coming. Eight years. Eight goddamn years of the writers playing the "are they or aren't they card" and for what? They get together at the end of the series? Well Jesus fucking Christ, it's a Christmas miracle. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor and pop the champagne because the two most unlikable people on a TV show run into the ground might be fucking. Truly, my life is complete.


James said...

I will agree with Ross and Rachel in hindsight, but at the time the show was going it was the perfect way to end the series. Seriously, there are enough shows - really good/great shows - that never get a decent ending because the networks (FOX, ABC I'm looking at you) pull the plug early. It was nice to see one end exactly how the majority of people wanted it to end. Say what you will about cliches and pandering to the lowest common denominator, but damned if I wasn't on the edge of my seat waiting to see how it would all end. And unlike the Will & Grace finale I wasn't disappointed. I agree, 10 years of dicking us around was really pushing it as far as building up the inevitable couple pairing. But, at the time, I really didn't notice or care. Yours, Peanut_Butter_And_James

ohnochriso said...

I could not agree with the Buffy/Riley pairing more! My friend and I used to refer to Riley as "The Potato" because he was so utterly beige and bland.

However, "Knocked Up" is so not the originator of the schlubby dude/hot chick out of his league pairing. That has been a Hollywood wank-fantasy for eons.

Anonymous said...

Stick to the bar napkins, because this shit is pretty much unreadable. "Crotchfruit?" Who are you, Diablo Cody?

Jeremy Feist said...

Blow me Anon.

Actually, I have to give them credit for at least giving the fans what they wanted, although playing the "You want it? Can't have it! You want it? Can't have it!" for 8 years? Cruel man. Cruel.

And Riley looks less like a tater and more like G.I. Joe back in the days before he was some sort of tech thing who hung around with a guy named Snow Job.

ShinyKate said...

Just wanted to chime in with love for the list. As always, you hit the proverbial nail (representing my cultural pet peeves) and smashed it right on the head. And a big motherfucking AMEN to your comments on #2.

Anonymous said...

C'mon, you gotta give 'Buffy' (the show, not the character) some credit for Riley. He was written intentionally to be the most boring character on Earth, just because she wasted to get as far as possible from the sturm und drang she had with Angel, and so they could have the relationship pendulum swing back even further with Spike.

Isn't there some special dispensation when the writing staff add a character that they know the audience will hate on purpose (well, two, if you count Dawn) just so they can show some character development? It was awful, of course, but it was awful for a purpose, not as an accidental end to itself.

Personally, I always felt kinda sorry for Blucas. He musta been so excited when his agent told him he'd have a major guest part on a popular show, only to show up week after week asking if he had anything to do THIS episode, only to be told no. Yet again.

Good times.

Stella said...

Love the list, and that wedding cartoon is so scary-true to my sister's wedding I'm getting the heebie geebies all over again.

mr. loboto said...

good list, though you are very charitable to say that Seth Rogen is "average looking". :P

Anonymous said...

You forgot Jack Black and Kate Winslet in The Holiday.

Figgylicious said...

Really, the most annoying thing about Ross and Rachel was just how completely fucking insufferable Ross had become by the end of the show. He went from being a sweet, dorky guy to a complete fucking loser no one could stand. And the idea that he wound up with RACHEL was patently ridiculous. They should've let that show die sooner.

Figgylicious said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Twilight may not be the best movie series In the world (Harry potter is) but it is the second best and I love it... How there is a love triangle between Edward, Jacob, and Bella... But if you want to make fun of it...but let me say this Bella and Edward got married in the end and I bet you couldn't get one person...and the cullens have a new two new vampires in their coven... Bella and Renesme (Bella and Edwards baby girl)...and if such things as vampire existed I would love to be an IMMORTAL