Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How To Bullshit Your Way Through Valentine's

Step 1: The Restaurant

Start off by making a reservation at a restaurant. Any restaurant, really. Apparently, the fact that you can pick up a phone and make sure that there will be a table waiting for you on the day people demand romantic gestures is a fucking panty-melter if ever there was one.

Step 2: Flowers

Can you drive to the nearest flower shop? Can you pay $20 for a dozen roses? Well then aren't you just a regular fucking Casanova. What better way to tell your loved ones how special they are then by giving them the exact same thing everyone else is getting?

Step 3: Chocolates

Much like your relationship, most of the chocolates look good at first glance, but upon further inspection, the better part of them are just absolute shit. Chances are, she'll eat the five good ones then throw out the twenty or crap chocolates that absolutely fucking no one likes.

Step 4: The Movie

What's that? You want to go see a well-written movie with competent acting and professional directing? Well fuck you Mr./Mrs. Elitist, because you're going to pay good money to see one of the various shitty Romantic-Comedies that Hollywood seems content to crap out for this exact season and you're going to fucking like it.

Step 5: The Card

And here's where it all comes together. You could write an honest, staightforward letter about you true feelings, but emotions and independent thought are for pussies, which is why James Cameron now has more money than God. Considering that most people write at a third grade level (which shouldn't be all that surprising considering your education program is based on The Three R's, a system where 66% of the curriculum is spelled incorrectly), you're best bet is to buy a mass produced Valentine's Day card, because impersonal corporations who have never met you know exactly how you feel.

Just follow those five steps and I guarantee you will be up to your neck in pussy. Happy fucking Valentine's Day. Weep for humanity.

4 comments:

Jadine said...

Thanks, Jeremy. I also fucking despise Valentine's Day.

Figgylicious said...

I love this. You've pretty much covered the whole bullshit aspect of Valentine's Day: all you have to do to 'prove your love' is follow what the commercials tell you to do. Make the most minimal effort just once a year and everything will be perfect.

James said...

Coming here is not helping me sleepwalk through Val Day.

Jeremy Feist said...

Jadine: Oh God, I hate it with an absolute PASSION.

Figgy: I know, at this point, it's become "Love is spontaneous and random, which is why you have to do what everyone else does!"

James: Sorry, I just like to bitch about VD :P