Monday, February 15, 2010

Waltz (Better Than Fine)

A couple people have asked me why I want to move to L.A. and aside from the more obvious reasons (it's warm, it has famous people, everyone is gay), I couldn't quite put my finger on why I wanted to go. I mean, I knew why, but it was one of those feelings that is completely indescribable although instantly recognizable.

Until today.

Just imagine this: You wake up one morning, look around, go to work, come back home and think, "this is good enough." You wake up the next morning, look around, go to work, come back home, and think, "this is good enough." You repeat this again and again and again until you wake up one morning, look around, go to work, come back home and think, "This isn't good enough. I want more."

Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy or narcissistic, but all I've been able to think about lately is that if I stay in Montreal, I'll never do anything. I mean, of course I'll do something, but I won't be doing what I want to do. I just want to do something big and important, and if that's selfish and bitchy, then maybe I'm okay with that. There are some parts of Montreal I'll be upset to have to let go, like my family, who I will miss terribly, but when it comes to everything else, is it so wrong to want more out of my own life than mediocrity?

I'd be lying if I said there weren't other reasons too. It's time I get a fresh start here, time I start taking control of my career, time I start trying to get my life back together after Clyde...And there's one more reason. I won't say what (or who) it is, but it's a reason I wish I could say wasn't as important as it actually is. All I can say is, I'll be happy to finally be rid of it.

That's it for now. Come tomorrow, I'll be heading to the consulate so that I can get my life to a place where I won't wake up everyday wanting more. If I want to define my life in two words, I don't want them to be "Good enough"; I want them to be "Even better."


falsemirror said...

you're working toward moving forward, which is more than many people, including myself, do.

take advantage of making these changes in your life while you're still young. i was in the midst of making a similar sort of change in my own life, but the economy and the job market decided to jump off a cliff, which has left with with a stack of debt, no job, and a job market that tells me i am over educated.

i'm trying to make progress now, but getting the momentum is difficult; it's as though my entire purpose in life has been taken from me. that sort of emptiness can be very difficult to navigate.

best of luck. i wish you well.

James said...

As an old fart (I went to drive-in movies and remember the days when TV went silent after Johnny Carson), I've found out that city changes rarely change the person. I was a cranky man in all the cities I've lived in. LOL

Good luck. Have fun. Hope it all works out.

sdf said...

a guy from montreal moving to another city, because everyone there is gay?

now i've heard everything.