Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Speidi Complex: How "The Hills" Is Destroying America (Well, Probably)
It really is no secret at this point that I just fucking outright hate "The Hills". For those of you have no idea what that is...Well first off, you are a lucky, lucky person. How hard would it be for me to immigrate to your country? Second, here's a little breakdown of the show: There's a group of whores that lives in Hollywood: One is needy, one is a bitch, one is completely incapable of staring at anything but the ceiling, and the last one is easily manipulated and 100% recyclable. For the most part, said whores are pretty much interchangeable; You could switch their names around and no one would tell the difference. They have fake jobs and fuck men who aren't even famous enough to catch herpes from Paris Hilton.
And people fucking eat this shit up.
Here's the thing about "The Hills": While I've often gone out of my way to call them out for having no talent, watched them bitch at each other, and actively demanded the removal of their reproductive organs, the truth is I probably could have just ignored them. You see, the comforting thing about reality shows like this one is that, despite the fact that you know they're completely fake, terribly scripted and essentially the equivalent of Diet Coke for your brain, they knew there place: The entire universe of their reality was constricted to within the TV. Just like any TV show, the reality of the show ceased to exist once you turned it off or started watching something else.
BUT, and this a big but, it didn't. "The Hills" ever so slowly began leaking into the real world. It wasn't that the show was based on real events or real people, it was that the reality crafted specifically for the "The Hills" began to bleed into our reality; Go on TMZ, The Superficial or any other gossip blog and you'll see that the universe of "The Hills" is no longer restricted to the shiny little moving picture box you have planted in front of the sofa for all to see. It's real! It's really really real!
Yes, much like Pinocchio, they're real boys (er, girls) now. But not really. You see, obviously Heidi Montag is a real person. She has a passport and state-issued identification and all that, so we can safely agree that yes, she is a real person. However, "Heidi Montag", the character from "The Hills" is not a real person. Or at least, she shouldn't be. "Heidi Montag" is a character written for a terrible reality show. Same as that girl from "The Real World" who beat bitches up. But the only difference is, "The Hills" has fractured the fourth wall so drastically that the line between Heidi Montag and "Heidi Montag" is almost completely indistinguishable. Hell, if the ten plastic surgeries she got in one day or the fact that she split with her husband, Spencer Pratt, for the sake of a reality show she's doing is any indication, "Heidi Montag" may have replaced Heidi Montag as the actual human being in this scenario.
And that's what you should be concerned about.
Any dipshit can make a reality show. Hell, reality shows were first created because people were too lazy and untalented to create scripted television. And that's fine: In it's truest state, reality TV is about real people and real problems, and quite frankly, it's refreshing. And it would be if that were actually the case. But fact of the matter is, "The Hills" isn't about real people or real problems. And it's not just writing a cute little show restricted to the confines of television either: it's re-writing reality. Our reality. It may be just a small part, but when other people start defining what is and isn't true, even if it's a small part...Well, you're fucked.