Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Speidi Complex: How "The Hills" Is Destroying America (Well, Probably)

It really is no secret at this point that I just fucking outright hate "The Hills". For those of you have no idea what that is...Well first off, you are a lucky, lucky person. How hard would it be for me to immigrate to your country? Second, here's a little breakdown of the show: There's a group of whores that lives in Hollywood: One is needy, one is a bitch, one is completely incapable of staring at anything but the ceiling, and the last one is easily manipulated and 100% recyclable. For the most part, said whores are pretty much interchangeable; You could switch their names around and no one would tell the difference. They have fake jobs and fuck men who aren't even famous enough to catch herpes from Paris Hilton.

And people fucking eat this shit up.

Here's the thing about "The Hills": While I've often gone out of my way to call them out for having no talent, watched them bitch at each other, and actively demanded the removal of their reproductive organs, the truth is I probably could have just ignored them. You see, the comforting thing about reality shows like this one is that, despite the fact that you know they're completely fake, terribly scripted and essentially the equivalent of Diet Coke for your brain, they knew there place: The entire universe of their reality was constricted to within the TV. Just like any TV show, the reality of the show ceased to exist once you turned it off or started watching something else.

BUT, and this a big but, it didn't. "The Hills" ever so slowly began leaking into the real world. It wasn't that the show was based on real events or real people, it was that the reality crafted specifically for the "The Hills" began to bleed into our reality; Go on TMZ, The Superficial or any other gossip blog and you'll see that the universe of "The Hills" is no longer restricted to the shiny little moving picture box you have planted in front of the sofa for all to see. It's real! It's really really real!

Yes, much like Pinocchio, they're real boys (er, girls) now. But not really. You see, obviously Heidi Montag is a real person. She has a passport and state-issued identification and all that, so we can safely agree that yes, she is a real person. However, "Heidi Montag", the character from "The Hills" is not a real person. Or at least, she shouldn't be. "Heidi Montag" is a character written for a terrible reality show. Same as that girl from "The Real World" who beat bitches up. But the only difference is, "The Hills" has fractured the fourth wall so drastically that the line between Heidi Montag and "Heidi Montag" is almost completely indistinguishable. Hell, if the ten plastic surgeries she got in one day or the fact that she split with her husband, Spencer Pratt, for the sake of a reality show she's doing is any indication, "Heidi Montag" may have replaced Heidi Montag as the actual human being in this scenario.

And that's what you should be concerned about.

Any dipshit can make a reality show. Hell, reality shows were first created because people were too lazy and untalented to create scripted television. And that's fine: In it's truest state, reality TV is about real people and real problems, and quite frankly, it's refreshing. And it would be if that were actually the case. But fact of the matter is, "The Hills" isn't about real people or real problems. And it's not just writing a cute little show restricted to the confines of television either: it's re-writing reality. Our reality. It may be just a small part, but when other people start defining what is and isn't true, even if it's a small part...Well, you're fucked.


kelly said...

YES! Thank you! These people are living charactures and I'm afraid that society has gone absolutely fuckballs retarded because if it hadn't instead of these people being in my life (they shouldn't be bc I have a strict "no reality tv unless its fed to me by Joel McHale rule") they should be in a house somewhere where their minders point at them at the table and comment that "how cute, she thinks she's people". And I suspect that rant didn't make any sense but I'm just so tired of looking at her stupid horse face CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, WOMAN! Ok, I'm done now. And P.S. I love you and if you need to marry someone to get a green card or visa or whatever, I'm single and I won't mind you bringing home slampieces

Robert said...

What’s happened Jeremy, have you forgotten the protocols to reply to blog posts? Or have you become too famous now to reply haha
X Robert

Scott said...

I love your blog. I love your rants. I love you observations and I love how your skewed view of the world seems to mirror mine although I am not a cute young pornstar. I am not sure if I am just reliving my misspent youth though your prose but I do know that I am ALWAYS checking for your latest missive.

Jeremy Feist said...

Kelly: Awwww, you're a sweetie :P For some reason, a lot of woman have offered to Green Card marry me. Is that a good thing?

Robert: Yeah I know sorry Rob. I've been busy with LitelySalted/Surgery for the past couple months. Since both are now over, I can stop neglecting my blog again. Sweet!

Scott: Thank you! Honestly, I think everyone's skewed at this point. I'm just more upfront about it.

kelly said...

Thanks, I really am ; ) and yes its a good thing, its because you're all adorable and bitchy and moody.