Sunday, November 8, 2009

My Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I think we can both agree that I've been a relatively good boy this year. Well, barring my career in porn. Then lying to my family about it. Or the that time I used witchcraft to give someone syphilis, and then subsequently laughing hysterically about it when it actually worked (Well fuck me, how was I supposed to know it would work?) Or binge-drinking at Ian's Halloween party, throwing up, passing out in his bathroom and then trying to use his dog as a pillow.

Other than that, I've been a fucking saint, and anyone who says otherwise is a lying liar who tells lies. What I'm trying to say is, you fucking owe me, fatty.

Sainthood by Tegan And Sara

Come on Santa, you know how much I love lesbian twins who sing indie pop-rock songs.

Inglourious Basterds on DVD

If only because I fantasize about doing dirty, horribly, unspeakable things to the Bear Jew. Honestly, I would so shit to him that would make a rabbi eat pork. L'Chayim.

Mad Men on DVD

Once again, based entirely on my desire to fuck Jon Hamm stupid. And Bryan Batt. Don't judge me you asshole, there's no way in hell I'm the only one who would ride Sal like a mechanical Bull.

White Wine (And Lots Of It)

I don't care what kind you get me, I'm not too choosy, so long as it'll pretty much numb me emotionally, I'll be a-okay.

Left 4 Dead 2

Because nothing says "Happy Holidays" like shooting a bloated, puking zombie until he explodes.

Count Cockula Fleshlight

I'm still convinced this is the dumbest thing in the world, but (A) I'm morbidly curious about what this would feel like, and (B) Nothing would piss Stephanie Meyers off more than this. Also, I have no boyfriend and my right hand is wearing a little thin.

A Standing Electric Mixer

...When did I get old?

Studio Work

Titan, Falcon, Channel 1...If you could somehow blackmail me into Raging Stallion that would be pretty tits too. Get my skinny little ass to the states. You owe me, Sandy.

John Dies At The End by David Wong

Gee, I wonder how it ends?

So there it is. That's my Christmas wishlist. Just a warning here, but my Syphilis curses work alarmingly well, sooooooo...just puttin' that out there. Don't puss out on me, tubby.

xxx, Jeremy Feist


DeWayne In San Diego said...

You do Voodoo? Withcraft god what talents do you have hidden ?

Yes you need a nice solid cast metal Kitchen Aid no Baker should be without one!

Anonymous said...

i just saw the tegan/sara cd at target!

Robert said...

Oh please Jeremy, don't give Santa syphilis, I beg you ... please, please lol!
x Robert

Anonymous said...

I need that syphilis spell, like, now. Thanks in advance!

Deistbrawler said...

Ok...I want that fleshlight.

Don't you hate it when your hand breaks up with you? Drives me nuts.

Jeremy Feist said...

Dewayne: Actually, I want that one the most, but I figured I better lead into it.

gp: Tegan and Sara? Yay! Target? Not so yay!

Robert: Only if the fat fuck delivers, Robby.

Caligula: Oh come on, you don't hand out shit like that so easily!

Deistbrawler: Yes, but we're on amicable terms.

Eric said...

I just picked up "John Dies At The End" a little while ago. Going to get to it soon.