Monday, November 2, 2009

Used To Be One Of The Rotten Ones And I Liked You For That

It's been a quiet month here. Before you ask, yes, this is another Clyde post. That's the thing about losing the first person you ever really open yourself up to: You can say you're over it, and you can walk around with a smile on your face, but fact of the matter is, there is no getting over it. You can't smash your heart into a million jagged little pieces and walk away unscathed.

And everyone telling me to just move on really doesn't help matters. It's a nice sentiment, but how do you move on when you don't even know where the hell you are? When you wake up one day and find out that no, you do not get a boyfriend. Instead, you get to watch them walk out the door one day and never come back. You get to lose your job because being there reminds you of him until it gets to the point where working there becomes emotionally draining. Sweet trade-off, huh?

The best part about all of this is that I didn't get a goodbye. There's no closure to this, no way of knowing where he is or making peace with this. Just one day waking up and realizing that a part of you is gone. There really is no better way to put it. Just gone. Like that. There's really no logical or sensible reason for it, and to be honest, I'm not sure if that makes any of this better or worse.

It's kinda fitting that all this is taking place around Halloween, because if you think about it, what really scares people won't go bump in the night or rise in a full moon. It's the thought of being alone that will really frighten someone. You want to scare someone? Break their heart.


Drew said...

Easy to say to get over a person, and then everyone says it takes time, then how long you gotta wait.


meaux said...

You can't move on. You don't get over it. You just learn to live with the little hole in your life, and you get used to it.

It's creeping up on a year since I lost a friend to cancer, and I didn't get to say goodbye either (she had moved out west a couple of years before). Didn't even realize how much she meant to me until she was gone. She was the one friend I had that I could tell anything to without fear of judgment, and I miss having that kind of friend. And I really, really miss HER.

I know it's not the same thing you shared with Clyde at all. But I just wanted you to know that even though life does go on, and you will get through this, as far as I'm concerned it's okay to not move on and be over it.