Monday, March 29, 2010

8 Fictional Characters Who Are Surprisingly Shitty At Their Job

#8 - Mills Lane (Celebrity Deathmatch)

Actually, Mills Lane is a damn fine referee, but let's face it: Is there really a point officiating over a fight where someone is going to end up in a body bag anyway? For the most part, all he really does is stand in the corner in order to keep A-List blood off of him.

#7 - Nancy Botwin (Weeds)

You know, for a weed dealer, Nancy doesn't actually deal that much weed. Actually, the only time we see her doing any dealing, she's getting busted. Not only that, but most of her actual victories are because of other people, and she usually ends up completely blowing them anyway.

#6 - Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)

Apparently wisest and most powerful wizard in the series, Dumbledore is kind of a gigantic dumbass for the most part. Despite being the most accomplished man out there, instead of becoming what is essentially wizard president, he decides to become the principal of a school where 1/4 of the students go on to commit mass genocide. And he also got killed by one of his employees, although that was just some double-double-cross or something. Point is, you can't spell Dumbledore without "Dumb".

#5 - Gregory House (House)

House is a doctor, and by "Doctor", I mean he physically and verbally abuses his patients, throws out wild accusations, pops pills and generally acts like a dick to everyone and everything until the disease is halted at the last minute. For the most part, this usually involves a shit load of illegal or unethical practices, but hey, living patients. Woooooo!

#4 - Dora The Explorer (Dora The Explorer)

Ugh, yes, this bitch. She doesn't so much "explore" as she does "walk around, stare vacantly at the screen, and encourage your children to scream like banshee hellbeasts from the deepest pits of the inferno." Hey Dora, wanna find that tree or whatever the fuck it is you're after? Fucking look behind you, you stupid prostitot.

#3 - Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

For those of you wondering what exactly the fuck Lara does, she's an archaeologist. Yes, really. Which strikes me as odd really since she's perfectly happy to smash various fossilized pots and vases for the little trinkets inside, also she can get her hands on ONE little piece of shiny bullshit. Congratulations on breaking millions of dollars worth of priceless artifacts.

#2 - The entire cast of CSI (CSI: Pretty Much Any of Them)

I'm surprised these people actually manage to get anything accomplished since none of them even know what exactly their job entails. In the show, not only does the CSI team investigate the location, but they apparently perform all the functions of pretty much the entire judicial system as well. Not only that, but forensic evidence becomes some sort of hyper-accurate method where a murder can be tracked down by a cigarette butt and a wad of gum under someone's shoe. Sure, whatever you say.

#1 - The Staff of Seattle Grace Hospital (Grey's Anatomy)

To be honest, the CSIs probably would have taken this one if it weren't for the fact that the doctors of Grey's Anatomy regularly kill their patients through illegal and immoral practices. Seriously, I may not be an expert, but I somehow think letting a patient die so you can score some organ harvesting might be against the Hippocratic Oath. Or at the very least, result in a greater punishment than a verbal thrashing.


Deistbrawler said...

Lara Croft isn't an archaeologist...she's a tomb raider. Thus the title. Indiana Jones she is not.

Then again what did Indy do? He didn't care what got destroyed as long as the artifact he wanted remained intact.

ChristianH said...

I would have to agree with Deistbrawler's inclusion of Indiana Jones, but I have to contend with you on Dumbledore. The man pretty much single-handedly builds Harry Potter from a know-nothing shit to a kick-ass wizard trained to defeat the epitome of evil. Plus, he was the entire reason that Hogwarts managed to not get destroyed for the first six books, and only *spoiler alert* died because he figured out how to defeat Voldemort but was cursed and blahblahblah. Point is, Dumbledore = Badass as shit.

Anonymous said...

Not very interesting, funny or even insightful. Plus your bilious hatred of Dora the Explorer and the "prostitot" comment is a red flag for a creepy woman-hater. Ick.

Anonymous said...

Dumbledor Is a great wizard he was wise and fair and you know what the killing was staged Dumbledor wanted snape to kill him because he was going to die within a year but he was a reason voldemort didn't destroy hogwarts because voldemort wouldn't dare come close to Dumbledor because he had the ELDER WAND THE MOST POWERFUL WAND IN THE WIZARDING WORLD if you had read or even watched the movies you would understand... yes Dumbledor may had done some bad things like promise snape that Lilly potter would be kept safe from voldemort and then not keep her safe... and not tells Harry that he still had one remaining family member Lilly his mother had used the Polyjuce potion to turn her into snape but he done great things to he practically raised Harry when he finnaly got to hogwarts... Dumbledor is THE GREATEST HEADMASTER HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY HAS EVER SEEN AND WILL EVER HAVE.........