Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Pornstar 101: Choosing Your Porn Name

One of the biggest decisions you will ever make is choosing your porn name. Whether you're actually going into porn, or you got drunk at a friend's kegger and your waxing hypothetical about your career as "Mike Magnum", everyone has a porn name. To date, their are over 10 billion porn names in existence*. Jason Crystal is responsible for approximately 20% of them**. But how do you choose yours? With this handy-dandy guide. I suggest printing out and keeping it in your wallet or purse at all times. Why? Because your mom.

#1: Don't Use Any Method Involving A Pet's Name
I know the standard method involves your first pet's name plus the street you grew up on, but this is impractical. For starters, if you grew up in New York City, you're gonna end up with a goddamn number. I don't care how big a fan you are of Seinfeld, Seven is a dumb name. And even if you grew up anywhere else, you're still going to end up with a crappy name. Christ, I would have ended up as Kahlua Windmill, which sounds like the most depraved sex act ever.

#2: Keep It Simple...But Not Too Simple

Like any good title, you want it to be short, grab interest, but not give too much away. For example, "Dick Steel" is vaguely sexual, and of course, SHORT. Believe me, no one by the name of "Frederick-Charleston Szczygielski" will ever win a Grabby. Too much work to engrave, really. On the flip-side, "Cum Penissucker" is way too dirty, and you can kiss any chance of ever appearing on The Wendy Williams Show goodbye.

#3: Are You Latino? You Must Name Yourself Ricky Martinez Did you know there are, like, four gay porn stars named Ricky Martinez? Seriously? Come on, there are like an infinite amount of other names you could have picked here. His music isn't even that good anyway. Although considering the original Ricky Martin just came out, chances are they're all feeling pretty vindicated right now.

#4: Pick One Name, Then Stick With It

There's a reason why you're parents only ever gave you one full name: Because there's no reason for you to have a second. mind you, if something comes up and you're forced to change it, totally acceptable. But going back and forth between two names? Annoying. Going back and forth between 19? Grounds for chemical castration.

#5: Middle Names = Fucking Awesome
Middle names are a severely underrated aspect of the porn name. The porn middle name gives you the perfect opportunity to finally say that danger really IS your middle name.

#6: Pick A Name That Corresponds To Your Look
Think of it as advertising: if you're a twink, get a name that sounds youthful. If you're one of those super-giganto muscle bears, use a tough sounding name. Seriously, if you're a bodybuilder by the name of Tracy Young or something, be prepared for weird looks.

#7: Unless You're A Girl, No Pretentious Misspellings Allowed
I have no idea why, but for female pornstars there's this weird thing where every name has to be spelled in a weird way with added, useless double letters and X's thrown in. This doesn't work with men. Just spell your name like a normal person; you'll thank me later.

#8: No Single Names

Unless you're Cher, Madonna or Jewel (and if you are, I'm terribly sorry), just pick a last name. ANY last name. I think you need to earn an assload of money before you can walk around with only name.

#9: Google It

Think of picking your porn name like buying a house or getting a boyfriend: You're going to want to get some history before you make a commitment. It may seem perfect now, but you're face is going to be sooooooo red when you find out you're sharing a porn name with someone who raped and killed a dozen 12-year-old girls in the name of Xenu.

#10: STEVE HOLT!
If you name yourself "STEVE HOLT!", you win at life.

*Completely made up statistic. **Actual statistic.

9 comments:

Donnie said...

Arrested Development reference...excellent.

SizingUp said...

Extra points for Steve Holts in shemale porn.

bourgtai said...

Hmm... *googles Kyle Derring*

bourgtai said...

Clean slate! Awesome.

Thud Hardbutt said...

I kinda like Thud Hardbutt! I christened him 12 years ago & I kinda think it's a name that will transcend time! Now, I just need to make some porn! c",)

meaux said...

Aw, but my first pet's name was Mitzi. Kind of perfect for a porn name, don't you think? The name of the street I grew up on, "Strathlorne-Scotsville" as a last name...not so much.

Anonymous said...

I always thought it was middle name and street name. Making me Thomas Union, which I thought was awesome.

esme said...

Jeremy, Can we get married?
Three things have made my life tonight.
One was TK's post on Pajiba about Joss Whedon (which doesn't involve you but is worth mentioning because I'm still *squee*ing)
Two is the STEVE HOLT! because it's my go-to catchphrase in life
Three is that on your twitter sidebar-y thing, it says that you're Dr. Horrible-ing a lot. It makes you the good kind of nerd, not the I-wear-my-hair-in-a-combover-even-though-I'm-not-bald kind.
So yeah. I kinda love you.

Hank Mohaski said...

Using the old method of first pet/childhood street, my porn name is SMOKEY JUNIPER, which is a very good porn name, and one that has served me well after all these years in the biz.