Saturday, March 27, 2010

Suck It Saturday

Remember No Whining Wednesday? Well, consider today the opposite day: Suck It Saturday. It's the end of the week, so from now on, Saturday is the new day to air out all of your grievances and start the new week! So here are something that can suck it:

#1: People Who Don't Understand "Personal Space"

Here's the thing: If I stretch my arms out to my sides and whip them around and they touch you? You are too damn close. If it's a really crowded room or we're in an elevator or something, then okay, whatever. Totally cool with that. However, if it's a big-ass room, and I don't know you, and you're close enough for me to smell what you had for breakfast (which, as far as I can tell, was a steaming bowl of poo) I'm automatically filing you under "P" for "Probably a serial rapist".

#2: People Who Order A Ton Of Food Then Barely Eat It And Throw It Out Instead

Did you know people invented doggie bags for a reason? Yeah, it's so that you don't make your waiter throw out a shitload of perfectly good food. So help me Godtopus, next person who makes me throw out a gigantic slab of meat will be tied up, forced to watch a homeless person eat the food, and then I'll probably bitch slap them a couple times for being a total dickhole.

#3: Bloody Caesars

So apparently, this is some sort of Canadian thing, so I might need to back this one up a bit: A Bloody Caesar is exactly the same thing as a Bloody Mary, only instead of Tomato Juice, it's CLAMato Juice. As in WHY ARE YOU PAYING TO DRINK CLAM JUICE?! Seriously, do you know how gross that is? Gag. Oh, and they take damn near forever to make because they have a bajillion ingredients. They're totally annoying.

#4: People Who Have No Sense Of Humour

I'm sure this comes as a huge shock to you, but did you know I do this thing where I make fun of people? I know, I'm as shocked as you are. Well apparently this doesn't go over all that well sometimes, which strikes me as odd because they seem to have this belief that I'm not allowed to make fun of certain things. Here's the thing: I make fun of things because it's funny. If I don't make fun of something, it's not because I like it; it's because it's not funny. So yeah, if I make fun of you? It's because you did something funny. That's all it is.

#5: Owl City

If you've never had the (Dis)pleasure of experiencing Owl City, don't Google them. For your own safety, don't. Imagine what The Postal Service would sound like if instead Ben Gibbard they got that whiney emo kid from your Intro to College English Class who thinks his poetry is amazing when it really just makes him sound like a huge pussy. Read these lyrics and try not to start clawing at your computer monitor:

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

One thing you should know about this is that a grown man is singing this. And people love it. Ugh.

Anyway, that's what I think can suck it. Feel free to spread the hate and come up with things that you think can totally suck it.


Brook Brooks said...

10 hour long video games that cost $100NZD. Fuck you, developers.

People who continue to cast Uma Thurman in (shitty) romantic comedies.

The Mint Chicks. A mildly successful New Zealand band that everybody thinks is the shit. THEY ARE NOT. BLAND, GENERIC VAGUELY INDIE ROCK.

That is all.

Snath said...

Owl City is from a town about an hour away from me, where my grandparents lived for years and years. I used to go visit them several times a year.

Owatonna, MN, now known as the birthplace of Owl City. Blech.

Here's a quote from Adam Young about the comparisons between his band and The Postal Service:

[The Postal Service] released a record in 2003, and that was it. There was really nothing to compare it to until some one else came along and wrote the next chapter. Maybe that's this record. Maybe that's this band.

Please get cancer and die in a fire. kthx

Drake said...

then I'll probably bitch slap them a couple times for being a total dickhole

Use your dick for the slapping.

Around here, there's a regular custom of leaving your doggie bag in prominent places for the homeless. Wish there was some polite way for you to inform those conspicuous consumers and wasters about such a thing.