If Infomercials Were Honest

Do you sometimes mix a pair of red socks in with your klan robe in the washing machine by accident?

Are you willing to fuck this cougar on the world's most bass-ackwards elliptical machine?

Will the screaming in your head never stop? ...Oh God, why won't it ever stop?!

Do you take financial advice from a guy who looks like he abducts little kids using an unmarked white van, promises of candy and a chloroform soaked rag?

Are you so fucking stupid that you are completely unaware of how to use a blanket?

Are you so hard-up for some cock that you would allow this Teddy to shove his face in between your tits and motorboat you like a cracked-out Charlie Sheen?

Are you such a filthy whore that you are completely unaware that your tits are hanging out in the entree?

Well then holy shit, what's wrong with you? Seriously, there are creatures at SEA WORLD with a higher brain function than you. And we make them balance their fucking dinner on their nose. Is that what we need to do? Do we need to balance a can of tuna on your nose to make you stop being such a dipshit?

I mean really, Flavour Waves? Snuggies? Do you know that we literally laugh at you when you buy this shit? Yes, we cover the mouthpiece of our phones and laugh at your big dumb face every time you buy something you saw on TV. The guy who just sold you that $40 Perfect Push-Up just used that money to snort rails off a stripper's asshole. Considering that you just paid $40 for a cheap hunk of useless plastic that makes you look like a self-involved douchebag when you could have just done it for free, you totally deserve it. Infomercials: Because no one ever went broke underestimating the potential for sheer human stupidity; Just look at FOX News!