Inglourious Free Bitches: A Real-Time Snarking of Lady Gaga's "Alejandro"

Can you believe it's only been two months (give or take) since the last overly long, product placement laden, completely nonsensical Lady Gaga video? Well lucky for those blue-balled by the wait, today brought fresh Gaga and it's just as terrible as her last video! Only instead of ripping off Quentin Tarantino, she's now ripping off Madonna. Either that or your gay cousin's "Art Project" for film school. But that's besides the point. Let's get to the snark.

0:13 - We start off with a shot of an army boy who apparently just got home from a viewing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", which is fitting since this video also features a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. There are also some obnoxiously huge titles just in case you couldn't remember what you were watching.

0:28 - For those of you who watched the video for Bad Romance and thought "Okay, but it could use some more Nazi overtones", well, here you go. I'm pretty sure this is what Michelle McGee thinks about when she fingerblasts herself.

1:00 - And now for the most oppressive Tae Bo routine ever. "EINS! ZWEI! DREI! VIER! FEEL ZE BURN! NOW SAULT ZE FUHRER TWENTY TIMES!"

1:10 - Incredible; for the first time ever, Lady Gaga has worn something and I have no idea how to mock it. Seriously, what the fuck is this? The best I can do is say that this is half H.R. Giger and half Professor Farnsworth's glasses. Oh, and there's a frozen heart with a bunch of pins in it. Hey, that iPhone isn't the only thing Steve Jobs lost in a bar.

1:40 - Oh, wait, it's all just a funeral! This explains absolutely nothing. I'm just assuming that this is meant to show that there is literally nothing that will keep Lady Gaga from dressing like Ms. Peacock...You know, if Ms. Peacock happened to be a prostitute.

1:58 - And just because she can, here's an almost-naked model covered in what appears to be puppet strings and "Baby's First SS Helmet" holding a gun.

2:12 - "I know that we are young and I know that you may love me, but I just can't be with you like this anymore, Alejandro." Wait, who the fuck is Alejandro? Was he the naked gun dude? The guy in the coffin? Dr. Frankenfurter from the beginning? Because he seemed like a keeper. Definitely a guy you can bring home to Mom.

2:14 - Finally, we get to the actual music. Once again, it takes over two goddamn minutes to get to the actual music. I guess it's sort of like foreplay, if the foreplay consisted of being punched in the balls with a pair of brass knuckles.

2:44 - Let's see: Hardbodied gays in uniform acting under the totalitarian reign of a sexually ambiguous electronica singer? This is what Bill O'Reilly thinks will happen if Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed. Seriously, before he goes to bed, Bill O'Reilly looks under the bed for twinks.

3:00 - I gotta say, for all her talk of "Hot like Mexico", this place doesn't really seem like a great place for a vacation. I think this might be that post-apocalyptic wasteland from that Sigur Ros video where all the little kids in gas masks play in black snow and then one of them dies. Good times, goooooooood times...

3:40 - For those of you wondering whether or not gay guys actually have sex by picking the guy up by his hips, slipping him some grade-A man meat then body slamming him onto hard pavement...Well, that's how I roll. Go big or go home bitches. FUCKING ROCK THAT ASS.

3:50 - And we finally have a discernible Lady Gaga costume: Gimp Nuns! Too bad Tony Buff did this over a week ago. (Yes, I'm fully aware that absolutely everyone thought of this. But too bad, I'm whippin' it out too [That's what she said])
Yup, sorry Gaga; You just got T-OWN-y'd.

4:07 - Apparently, Lady Gaga has tired of her hunky military men, so let's go fuck some guys with awful fucking hair. Look, I can handle the Kermit the Frog dresses and the cigarette sunglasses, but bowl-cuts? This woman is pure evil and must be stopped by any means necessary. *Cocks and loads gun* Any means necessary...

4:40 - In every Lady Gaga video, there is always at least one Ridiculous Gay Guy who just fucking kills me and steals my heart. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...
Shine on, you crazy homo.

5:12 - So Lady Gaga and her Dorothy Hamill looking homos (Dorothy Homos?) seem to be playing that game where everyone gathers around a person and then lifts them up using only two fingers and "magic". True story: For a Halloween party in the second grade, we played this game, and one of the girls we lifted got so scared she started crying and then peed on the teacher's arm. We called our teacher "Mrs. Pee Arm" for the rest of the year.

5:17 - Silly Lady Gaga, anal beans don't go in your mouth! Unless of course your mouth happens to be your...Oh, wait, actually, this explains a lot. Oh, also she has a crucifix on her vagina. Kinda brings a whole new meaning to the term "Nailed to the cross", doesn't it?

5:38 - And now we get to the part of the video where we lose any and all pretense that Lady Gaga is an original artist and jump headfirst into the land of shameless Madonna rip-offs. You can pick up your Spikey Death Boobs and Boy Toy Belt Buckle at the front.

6:21 - Speaking of Spikey Death Boobs, as is the natural progression of all things slut, Madonna Lady Gaga is now wearing a pair of guns on her nipples. I honestly wish I could make fun of this, but really, if they were ever produced for major distribution, you better fucking believe I'd be the first in line to buy one.

6:42 - Gaga, apparently no longer content to only rip off Madonna, is now stealing her look from Bono. Seriously, she even has the terrible hair and the glasses and everything.

8:16 - Lady Gaga decides to needlessly elongate the song by two minutes by repeating "Alejandro" over and over again while replaying clips of the video. Seriously. And then she shows the gay guys her boobs and the gays act like Jesus just came down from the heavens and offered them all deep-fried Twinkies. Please, like any of these guys would know what to do with a boob.

8:36 - We get one last shot of Naked Gun Guy and Lady Gaga's terrible Tony Buff knock-off, and then Gaga's face melts and I finally know what hell looks like. The end.