Monday, September 21, 2009
10 Fashions That Need To Die
#10: Abercrombie & Fitch
This one hurts a little bit, because they actually make some decent clothes. The only reason they make the list is because, well, there is absolutely no reason why a shirt should cost $80. None. I don't care how good it looks, shoveling over $80 so you can be their personal billboard is fucking stupid.
#9: Stupid Zig-Zaggy Shit In Your Hair
I blame this one on Kanye. I think there was a seven-day window where this was remotely cool, then he got onstage and proceeded to humiliate sweet little Taylor Swift. After that, hair design lost it. The only way this would acceptable is if you had them spell out "Dumbass" on the back of your head.
#8: Scarves Anytime But Winter
Do you know what scarves do? They keep your neck warm. If it's 25 degrees celsius (or however the fuck many it is in Farenheit), you do not need a scarf. Unless of course you want me to use it to throttle you to within an inch of your life, in which case I'd be happy to oblige.
#7: Anything That Flashes The Hoo-Ha
Do yourself a favor right now: Grab a mirror and hold it under your croth. Can you see your own naughty bits? If so, wear some goddamn underwear. If not, then by all means walk around with your flag flapping in the wind.*
#6: The "OMG Without The Glasses Or The Hair-Bun She's So Pretty!" Look
You know how this works: Shy and meek office worker/librarian/other dorky job walks around, minding her own business, then one day WHAM! Everyone suddenly realizes that underneath the glasses she was actually HOT. Who knew? Oh come on, you do realize that it's shit why everyone makes fun of all the idiot characters in Superman that don't know that without the glasses, Clark Kent can punch through the goddamn Earth.
#5: The Kate Gosselin Haircut
You have it all: Great Life, Great Family, but you just don't look like a terrible mother who would exploit her nightmarishly large brood for personal gain. Well now you can with The Kate Gosselin! Like The Rachel from the 90's (Only with more child abuse), just go to your salon and ask them if they can make it look like a Yorkshire terrier died on your head.
#4: Monogrammed Slippers
For the sophisticated playboy in all of us, the slippers say "I'm old, feeble, and I will inadvertently shit myself if I cough too hard", while the monogram says "I'm young, hip, and I will fucking date rape you should you look away from your drink for so much as a SECOND".
#3: Anything Lady Gaga Wears
Remember that story arch on Arrested Development where George Bluth falls for a character played by Charlize Theron, who he thinks is a total genius because she's British, when in fact she has the mentality of an eight-year-old? Same basic principle, really. Lady Gaga is not a genius, she's just stupid.
#2: Dressing Like A Vampire
I'm only going to say this once, so listen up: Goth > Emo > Dog Shit > Syphilis > Chewing off your own balls while your family is forced to watch at Gunpoint > Vampires.
#1: Ed Hardy
Words cannot even being to describe my hatred for The Ed Hardy line. Every time I see someone walking around with their hat or their shirt emblazoned with Ed Hardy, I get the sudden urge to Falcon Punch them in the throat. This impulse is usually controlled, but not always...
*Haha! Dangly Parts.