Monday, September 21, 2009

10 Fashions That Need To Die

#10: Abercrombie & Fitch

This one hurts a little bit, because they actually make some decent clothes. The only reason they make the list is because, well, there is absolutely no reason why a shirt should cost $80. None. I don't care how good it looks, shoveling over $80 so you can be their personal billboard is fucking stupid.

#9: Stupid Zig-Zaggy Shit In Your Hair

I blame this one on Kanye. I think there was a seven-day window where this was remotely cool, then he got onstage and proceeded to humiliate sweet little Taylor Swift. After that, hair design lost it. The only way this would acceptable is if you had them spell out "Dumbass" on the back of your head.

#8: Scarves Anytime But Winter

Do you know what scarves do? They keep your neck warm. If it's 25 degrees celsius (or however the fuck many it is in Farenheit), you do not need a scarf. Unless of course you want me to use it to throttle you to within an inch of your life, in which case I'd be happy to oblige.

#7: Anything That Flashes The Hoo-Ha

Do yourself a favor right now: Grab a mirror and hold it under your croth. Can you see your own naughty bits? If so, wear some goddamn underwear. If not, then by all means walk around with your flag flapping in the wind.*

#6: The "OMG Without The Glasses Or The Hair-Bun She's So Pretty!" Look

You know how this works: Shy and meek office worker/librarian/other dorky job walks around, minding her own business, then one day WHAM! Everyone suddenly realizes that underneath the glasses she was actually HOT. Who knew? Oh come on, you do realize that it's shit why everyone makes fun of all the idiot characters in Superman that don't know that without the glasses, Clark Kent can punch through the goddamn Earth.

#5: The Kate Gosselin Haircut

You have it all: Great Life, Great Family, but you just don't look like a terrible mother who would exploit her nightmarishly large brood for personal gain. Well now you can with The Kate Gosselin! Like The Rachel from the 90's (Only with more child abuse), just go to your salon and ask them if they can make it look like a Yorkshire terrier died on your head.

#4: Monogrammed Slippers

For the sophisticated playboy in all of us, the slippers say "I'm old, feeble, and I will inadvertently shit myself if I cough too hard", while the monogram says "I'm young, hip, and I will fucking date rape you should you look away from your drink for so much as a SECOND".

#3: Anything Lady Gaga Wears

Remember that story arch on Arrested Development where George Bluth falls for a character played by Charlize Theron, who he thinks is a total genius because she's British, when in fact she has the mentality of an eight-year-old? Same basic principle, really. Lady Gaga is not a genius, she's just stupid.

#2: Dressing Like A Vampire

I'm only going to say this once, so listen up: Goth > Emo > Dog Shit > Syphilis > Chewing off your own balls while your family is forced to watch at Gunpoint > Vampires.

#1: Ed Hardy

Words cannot even being to describe my hatred for The Ed Hardy line. Every time I see someone walking around with their hat or their shirt emblazoned with Ed Hardy, I get the sudden urge to Falcon Punch them in the throat. This impulse is usually controlled, but not always...

*Haha! Dangly Parts.


Deistbrawler said...

Here, you can fucking kill off Hollister and Affliction. Every asshat frat boy or guy with muscles likes to wear Affliction and it drives me nuts. You're still a pussy dickshit, take the fucking shirt off.

You Hollister motherfuckers. Guess what? You all look the same! Fucking clones of jackasses that look like other jackasses.

Sorry...thanks for the rant.

Anonymous said...

Those non-winter scarves help white girls like me avoid the summertime collarbone sunburn fest. No matter how much sunblock I put on, my collarbone/chest area burns. And like, more than any other part of my body. I have no idea why it happens, but it does, it's like the white girl's farmer tan (I literally get turned into a redneck), and I try to avoid it. So there.

Hayden Tompkins said...

I rock the non-winter scarf because I have DDDs and I needed something to cover up the cleavage. (When they're that big even "modest" shirts sometimes give you a problem.)

Particularly when I was working in the legal field because it was MONTHS before I figured out why some of the attorneys liked to stand at my desk.

Sandman said...

I agree with the Ed Hardy sentiments. The thing is............he's a cool designer. I like the artwork. But when you walk through the mall and 90% of the people are wearing ONE brand, it's a little off-putting.

I'm not a real fashion-minded person, so not too much bothers me. But being from the hood, I hate where Hip Hop fashion is right now. I remember when it was cool to just walk outside your house with a white t-shirt, dickies, and white sneakers. Now everything is skulls, rhinestones, skinny jeans and wallet chains. It's tacky and feminine.

Jeremy Feist said...

Deist: Well, since Hollister is actually owned by A&F, we can just file it under that category as well.

Anon: Okay, well if it keeps you from getting Melanoma, then I can respect that.

Hayden: Okay, after a while I'm guessing the whole "Stop staring at my boobs, jack-whacker" gets annoying.

Sandman: I know, I was discussing it with someone the other day. He doesn't design any of the clothes, he's only tied to them by name.

Rae at 24:01 A.M. said...

I agree with you 100%!!

Bigg said...

In my opinion it's #2 FTW.

Whorish Mouth said...

You know what's sad about #1? I like the tattoo art type of thing going on, but what I don't like are the words ED HARDY plastered all over everything. That should stay in the tag on the inside of your shirt, in my opinion. I don't need a label announcing that I bought a fucking beater for $90, I could just scribble on a K-Mart t-shirt "I'm a giant douche" and it basicially accomplishes the same thing.