Friday, September 18, 2009

It's Not Me, It's You

You know what? I think I'm done with this weepy emo "Waaaaah what's wrong with me" bullshit. I've come to the realization that, not only do I fucking love myself, but I think I'm pretty goddamn awesome, and anyone who says otherwise should just take a chainsaw to their own faces, because they are obviously to stupid to function.

For the past five months, I've been asking myself "What's wrong with me? What don't people like about me?" And yesterday, I had what can really only be described as one of the most insulting and humiliating moments at work ever. And you know what? I lived through it. The world didn't end, I didn't spontaneously combust into flames of suckiness, and as far as I can tell, I'm pretty fucking happy right now.

As it turns out, you can really only ask yourself "What's wrong with me?" so many times before you sit down and say "Hmmm, maybe it's just them". I mean yes, it sucks when people don't like you, and it sucks when people say shit about you or just generally feed you bullshit on a constant level. Hell, I've had someone call me "Violently Unattractive" on a blog. Not just unattractive, but VIOLENTLY so. As if the mere sight of me would cause him to plow his truck through a crowd of people. Not only is this thought completely fucking stupid, but quite frankly, I think he's wrong and wouldn't know awesome if it roundhouse kicked him in the teeth and then fucked his cat in the ass.

Point is, it's not my goddamn fault you suck so much. No, I don't have muscles all over the friggin' place, I'm not basking in my untold riches, I don't wear fancy bullshit designer clothes and I sure as hell don't walk around smiling all fucking day for your entertainment like some sort of perma-high fucktard. Don't like it? Too fucking bad. I'm pretty fucking awesome, and if you're too stupid to see that, you might want to consider padding all the corners in your house and putting safety gates next to all the stairs for your own safety, else Darwinism knocks your dumbass of the face of the planet.

In conclusion, I'm fucking awesome and so are you. If you think differently, go suck a fuck.


guiltypartner said...

i'm a big slice of awesuminess too!

fuck er'body else! bitches!

Dayna said...

OMG... I SOOOOO LOVE THIS POST! I actually wrote something similar in a letter I never really intend to mail to my ex... LOL I'm so happy I found you on Pornobobbie's twitter! You always make me smile!

Deistbrawler said...

Were I gay...after that violent hate rant...I would totally do you. Because me, as the Brawler, loves hate. I love it. I would make out with you. Sex...on the other hand, you would have to persuade me. I'm weird like that.

sterling said...

Are you fucking kidding me?

Finally, Mister Jeremy Feist, you've come to the conclusion that your mutha-fucking cool-as-shit bacon ass puts the "awe" in awesome. XXXOOO

Those who think otherwise can go fuck their pointless sorry bullshit... whatever loser... who the fuck cares?

*so happy* I feel like kissing power dykes and slapping babies.

SKellyHart said...

Sir, you are so awesome that my husband (who happens to be very straight) now has a favorite gay porn star. He didn't think that would be possible until I had him read your blog. Your synopsis of LOTR completely won him over. He will probably never watch a film that you star in, but he thinks that you are the bees knees (that's a good thing).

Keep being awesome. Also, keep making yummy food. You are beautiful, funny AND you can cook. Any man that can't see what a catch you are is a damned fool. Remember that.

Pajiba led me to you, by the way.

Trouble said...

Hell to the motherfucking yes!

Alli said...

Here's to being awesome!!!


Pants said...

Finally he gets it...