Sometime last night, I came to an incredibly important realization: No matter how much I wish it were otherwise, no matter how much I wish it were more, and no matter how much I wish I actually, truly deserved it, me and my pseudo-guy will never be boyfriends. Not unless he wants it.
Okay, back story: He came over last night to take me out for some drinks, as he apparently made a fuckload of money at Campus. As you would imagine, we had a couple drinks, went back to my place, watched Adventureland, then went to bed. As we lay in bed, eating cheeseburgers he had picked up from McDonald's, he turned to me and said this:
"You know Jeremy, you're the best friend I've had in a while"
It was at this point that I realized that I could never be more than just friends. Not that I don't want to, and not that I don't secretly wonder if I can make him happy in a more meaningful way or any of that shit, but it's the simple fact that, well, if I take him at his word, I'm the best friend he's had in a while. And I don't want to risk him losing his best friend just because I got greedy and decided I wanted more.
Maybe one day I'll find someone who actually really does love me*, and with whom I can be with for the rest of my life, but, well, until that day, at least I know that I have a good friend. And really, how rare is a good friend?
*I wouldn't hold my breath, though.
4 comments:
Oh, baby. You're what? 19? I hadn't found anyone who really loved me *that way* at 19 either. It's an open debate as to whether or not I have at 23. Yes, I'd been in a relationship by then, but it was an awful, dysfunctional, emotional wreck of a relationship and I'd probably be better off if it hadn't have happened at all.
What I'm say is; give yourself time. Most people don't find real love young, despite what all the movies and TV shows and whatnot want you to believe.
young love is a crazy, untamed mess. have fun crushing on guys, but don't let them break your heart too badly. and i second rusty's theme. the older you get, the more perspective you have, and believe me, you'll look back on last night and think, god, adventureland bored the crap outta me. and he may or may not even be remembered in that memory. i'm almost 40 and therefore, i'm your elder and you will NOT GET HURT! *shields feist from outside influences*
I get that he might be a good guy. And that I may seem like I'm putting on airs that I know better than you.
He might well be and I might well not know better, but my point is: get rid of the whole "not deserving" train of thought. Please take me at my word and trust that you deserve it.
Now, you might end up having a reciprocal and equal friendship with this guy, that makes you happy. You might pine for him for a while and be the lower pan in the scale of your relationship, the one with the weightier feelings. That might last or it might not. It may also make you happy -in a melancholy-er way- or it might not.
But all this detail doesn't really matter. It's just gonna be the way you happen to roll towards a better, more confident and self-assured Feist.
Just heed the typing of your reader-friends who are, in being older than you but none the wiser, nevertheless sure in saying: YOU DESERVE IT.
And it will come. I shout because I overidentify. You're a smart boy. You've figured out already how a good friend is truly hard to find. Just try to be equal to that friend, I'd say. Don't make yourself lower to make him happy.
And, wow, thanks for putting up with my endless ranting.
PS. Shoutout to Rusty. 23 FTW! Do you find you feel way old, though. Like, I'm going gray and shit.
Hi Jeremy: Those were good comments. Rusty, 23 sounds good to me. When I was 23 I couldn't believe that I was that old. I still can't believe that I am as old as I am. Well, it sounds good that you are friends, you can never have too many friends.
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