A Realtime Review Of Lady Gaga's "Telephone"

0:00 - Alright, so this shit is apparently a continuation of Lady Gaga's Paparazzi video, so here's the story so far: Lady Gaga's boyfriend threw her off a balcony for some reason, so then she was a paraplegic, but then she wasn't, and then there were a bunch of dead whores or something, and then she dressed up like a slutty Mickey Mouse (technically, this would make her Minnie Mouse) and killed her boyfriend, so they threw her ass in jail. Ha ha! It's funny because she's stupid. Anyway, onto the actual video or something!

0:26 - Yes, 26 seconds. Apparently, this is how long it takes for the opening credits to roll and for people to realize this is a Lady Gaga video. On the plus side, thanks to the opening credits, we now know who to blame for this piece of crap.

0:32 - Enter Lady Gaga, who appears to be channeling Gwen Stefani circa whenever the fuck she was still relevant. She's being escorted by two very angry displeased lesbians through the "Prison for Bitches", as opposed to the "Prison for generally pleasant young women".

1:09 - I love how the inmates' first reaction to seeing someone knew is to fuck their prison bars. Apparently, there was some sort of clerical error and Gaga accidentally got sent to AlcaTRAMP. Naturally, first thing the guards do when they get her to her cell is to strip her bare-ass naked because why the fuck not, right? On the plus side, we now know that Lady Gaga doesn't have a penis; although it appears she got herself vagazzled.

1:30 - Now it's outdoors time, and Gaga got herself some cigarettes and...GODAMMIT. Seriously, cigarettes are like money in prison! Money you can SMOKE. And you turned them into sunglasses. Do you have any idea how much crystal meth you could have bought with those?

2:07 - And for no discernible reason, Gaga is now making out with a lesbian. This has absolutely no impact on the rest of the video whatsoever, although it does give us a chance to play "Spot the clumsily disguised product placement." Hint: The name of the company is the exact opposite of what Lady Gaga is.

2:30 - And we're back inside now. As you can see, the previous scene? Absolutely no relevance to the plot whatsoever. Told ya. And now two very angry lesbians are kicking the shit out of each other. You can tell it's serious because Gaga is combing her hair. This is universal sign language for "It is SO on."

2:48 - Alright, lesbian fight is over. The entire time, I kinda expected Shao Khan to step in and be all like "FINISH HER", but now. Way to miss the boat, Gaga. And the music finally kicks in after...Over two and a half minutes of absolutely fucking nothing.

3:10 - Someone apparently gave a shit enough to call Gaga while she was rotting in jail, and how does she thank them? By basically telling them she was too busy to talk, dropping the phone then dancing. Christ, you'd think one of those angry lesbos from before would walk over, yank those stupid Diet Coke cans out of her hair and violently beat her with the receiver for dancing like such a fucking spazz.

3:20 - And back to the cells now, which are all open and all the inmates are walking around freely in their bras and panties. I could make a joke about this being Sing-Sing or some shit like that, but more accurately, the name of the jail should be Syph-Syph.

4:05 - Nice to know that in between all the gang-rape, violent assaults an race wars, the prison's art program can still churn out perfectly timed choreographed dance numbers. Your tax dollars at work, people. Anyway, now Gaga is decked out in "Crime Scene: Do Not Cross" tape. That's funny; since when did they start classifying herpes as a crime?

4:26 - Oh Frabjous Day! Someone bailed Lady Gaga out of jail! Nice to know we live in a country where all a murderer needs to walk out of jail scott-free is a friend with cash. Isn't that right, Roman Polanski? And for those of you who ever looked at the Quaker Oats guy and wondered what he would look like as a prostitute...

5:08 - And here comes Beyonce in the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill. Can you believe Quentin loaned it to them for free? And all they had to do was let him cum on their feet....A win-win situation for all involved.

5:30 - "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger." Ummmmm...No? You could make leather, or steak, or fucking gelatin or maybe some milk even. What I'm trying to say here is that Lady Gaga is fucking retarded.

5:57 - And now we're in some fucking podunk diner that is inexplicably packed despite being stuck smackdab in the middle of fucking Nowhere. Beyonce is meeting Tyrese Gibson for lunch, and is apparently doing that "Smize" thing Tyra Banks won't shut her gigantic mouth about. Either that or she has the power to randomly make subtitles appear.

6:17 - While Tyrese is busy playing grab-ass with the town bicycle, Beyonce slips some poison into his coffee. Didn't Gaga try this shit in her last video? Seriously, just shoot the fucker point-blank in the face already, it'll save everyone a lot of time and grief. Either way, it apparently isn't very good poison, as all he does is cough a little bit. That's what you get for trying to kill him using a travel-sized bottle of Colgate mouthwash.

6:21 - Problem: We're about six and a half minutes in and so far there's only been two telephones in the entire thing. Solution: Staple a phone to Gaga's head, then get a bunch of gay guys to dance around while talking into food. I'm especially fond of this guy, who is having WAY too much fun talking with a head of lettuce.

7:08 - Alright kids, time to learn how to make a sandwich! First, spread unhealthy amounts of mayo on some Wonder Bread, dance around with a bunch of gays, then just dump a shitload of poison on everything and call it a day. This is what happens when you take cooking tips from Sandra Lee.

7:32 - So Gaga serves up the poisoned food and Tyrese Gibson croaks and dies. In all fairness, if you're dumb enough to eat food served to you by a woman whose hair has been sculpted into a telephone receiver, you deserve to die.

7:43 - And just because they can, they go ahead and poison everyone else in the diner too. Christ, you'd think after the first 20 people mysteriously keeled over while clutching their throats they would have gotten the hint, but apparently not.

8:07 - Of course, now that everyone is dead, it's time to throw on an American flag bikini and dance on their grave. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

8:23 - Oh darn, can you believe Beyonce almost made it through an entire video without patting her weave? What a shame, she was so close too...

8:45 - Alright, so Gaga has time for one more stupid costume, and it is...A leopard-print catsuit? Really? Ugh. At this point, unless she's taping live lobsters to her nipples or wearing a hat made out of copies of Kafka's Metamorphosis, it's just not doing it for me.

8:57 - Oh wait, they got one more stupid outfit in and...CURTAINS AND COWBOY HATS? Goddammit, if you're not gonna try anymore, neither am I.

9:20 - Alright, so apparently they're gonna drive off far, far away, and then they both sort of do the whole Thelma & Louise hand-hold thing. Only instead of driving off a cliff, they do absolutely nothing. What a friggin' rip!